It was nearing to the end of the school year, and Jason and Sheila both got super excited. Jason was going to play video games all summer; even if we went to our cousin's house, he would play there, too. Sheila was different, she loved doing activities in the summer. Swimming, overnight camps, stuff that I was never going to go to.
I was in my room, surfing through my list of music. I counted down eight times then clicked the play button. She Will be Loved by Maroon 5 came on, and I listened carefully, figuring out what every little word was.
"Ember!" Jason called. I shut off my iPod and sat up from my bed that I was laying on.
"What? What do you want?" I asked, yelling. It was Sunday, and Jason rarely got out of his room, it was only to eat or go to the bathroom. I wonder why he was out now.
Mousse's head was laying on my thigh, and his tail was by my feet. His head lifted off my leg, and he growled.
What is wrong? I climbed out of bed, set my iPod on the nightstand that was by it, and made my way to the door to go downstairs.
"Come on, Mousse. Downstairs." I said, and Mousse started walking off. I grabbed a tuft of his hair and let him guide me. I really needed a leash for him.
I stopped at the bottom of the stairs and whipped my head in directions, trying to listen where Jason was. Everything was quiet.
"Jason?" I called softly. "Why do you need me down here?"
I heard feet on the floor, and Sheila said, "Ember, it's me." She walked to the right of me and I smelled something like strawberries. Maybe she was eating one.
"Oh. Jason wanted me or something," I replied, and was about to tell Mousse to go to my room, when from behind me someone pushed me and yelled loudly. I stumbled forward, almost falling on my face until Sheila caught me.
I screamed, and over my screaming I heard Sheila say, "Why did you do that, Jason? Why? Do you realize she is blind?"
Eventually I stopped screaming. I bit my lip to hold tears in—I didn't want to cry. No.
"I hate you, Jason," I say, mostly to myself, but I knew he heard me. "Up to my room, Mousse."
I walked up with Mousse, and I opened my room door, let Mousse in, then got in myself and locked it shut.
I let out an elated sigh, but I was still trembling from Jason scaring me. Why, why when my life was going so good, it got worse now? Why this year? First it was everything being so overwhelming, then this.
I clenched my teeth and made my way to my bed, walking carelessly. I stepped on something hard and sharp. I winced, but I kept walking and when I finally got to my bed I sat down.
If I wasn't blind, Jason, I thought, then I wouldn't mind your trick. But if you don't know, I am blind. I wonder why he did it. Maybe he was just trying to be mean. A mean, nasty brother.
I wish I could write Braille. Then no one would know if I wrote, Jason is the cruelest person I've met. When he dies, send him to Hell.
I locked myself in my room for most of the day. At evening, though, someone knocked on my door.
"Ember? Can I come in?" Jason's identifiable voice rang through my ears.
I was quiet for a while, but then I finally said, "No. Get out of my life."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hi there!
The thing I really like about this chapter is how you involved Jason in this chapter. I said in a previous review that I'd like to see how the rest of Ember's family reacts/feels about her. Although this is a sort of sad event, it's great. Seeing how Jason acts around Ember is great character development. And it's not only character development for Jason, but also for Ember. Seeing her flip out like that was very interesting. She has a completely different side to her; one that is not nice and understanding.
So I can see that the story is progressing. I used to be a bit bothered by the fact that the story didn't seem to be going anywhere. But now as I'm reading on, I see how it's progressing. And I like the way it is going. I also think it's cool how you linked the Braille into this chapter. It really shows how excited Ember is about it. I hope that you keep this up in later chapters as well.
The only thing "negative" I have to say about this chapter is that their parents are not there in this chapter. This seems like something that the parents would interfere with. Where are they? Why weren't they there to reprimand Jason for pushing Ember? It's a good thing that Sheila was there to defend her.
On to the next chapter!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hi Willow, Em101cats is back to review, and soon I will review chapter twelve! Can't wait!
Anyways, one thing I have to say is this: AMAZING! Great work Willow! Wow wow wow! This chapter is sooooooooooo interesting and suspicious and suspenseful. Her brother pushing her? Ember saying "Get out of my life" to Jason? Ingenious ideas, Willow! You surprise me every time!
I think you meant for 'what' to be italics as well, as the 'is wrong' is too. But then again, when writing in italics that is supposed to symbolize thought, emphasizing is needed too and italics can be meant for that too. So when someone is thinking with emphasis, the emphasized word or words is not italic. So if you meant for it not to be italics, then don't fix it, it's perfect!
Otherwise I did not see any mistakes. Short chapter, but that's perfectly okay!
Keep on surprising me with those twists and turns of yours, and keep up the great writing!
~Em101cats~
Thanks! Yeah, I meant for it not too be italicized
Hello! Here as requested.
As usual, we'll start with the nitpicks. There's only one, and Raven covered the other:
1. This is a comma splice. Replace comma after "all summer" with a semicolon.
2. Cousin's*
Okay, so Jason's jerk move was totally out of the blue?! Like, seriously, I know you're trying to create some excitement and action, but that was out of character for him. First off, he simply can't have forgotten that she's blind, since it's on his mind 24/7 that "Hey! Ember needs this and can't do this and needs assistance with this and her dog is there because she's blind and oh yeah, she's BLIND." So I find it really hard to believe that he forgot about her being blind, but if that's what you wanna go with, then go with it. Just have a good reason for it; otherwise, I kill Jason.
I'm curious to know why Jason did that, so hopefully you don't disappoint with this. ^^ I'm glad that summer is rolling around and that Shelia caught Ember. She's a good sister, even if a bit stereotypical. I'm off to read the next chapter!
Hi,
Stuff in red: Do you mean being?
Stuff in plain text: I see that you are using italics for Ember's thoughts. And this is a thought right?
Spoiler
Raven,
Oops let me fix that.