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Young Writers Society


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Fading Fairytales - Chapter Two

by crossroads


2070(ish) words; for TLMS contest, week two

_____

The family’s portrait behind the black curtains overlooked the dining room, the late king seeming to watch over his family’s meals. For the young guards standing by each of two doors, it appeared to be hard to stop glancing at the picture. Through the thin fabric of darkness, one could still see the pale faces and rich clothing, telling the story of a history of losses. The picture was covered in black whenever a family member would die - the last time five years ago, although the crown prince’s wife was never drawn next to his still young figure - and a dark purple veil would be hung over it whenever the Labyrinth would take another of the king’s children.

Too many times.

Devin frowned at the wine in his cup, and his own reflection in it. He looked tired; more tired than he expected, with dark bags under his eyes and wrinkles on his forehead, which refused to go away even as he tried to relax his face. Even his body seemed tired, fingers ignoring his attempts to make them hold the cutlery, his hands barely able to coordinately move a knife and a fork.

Taking a sip of the wine, mostly so he would no longer have to stare at himself in the mirror of dark red liquid, he stole a glance towards Sandor. His older brother, although they had traveled all the way from the Mereth fortress together, seemed as fresh as ever, not for a moment breaking his always perfect posture.

He traveled in a carriage and probably slept through every available moment, Devin reminded himself. You traveled on a horse and kept your guard by the king’s body for two nights. He probably has nothing to still be sore of.

Turning his head around, he let his eyes slide over his siblings. It was the first time in five years - since Deena died and Ananna was born - that he could see them all together. Maybe it was the presence of food, more than anyone had appetite for, or the soft pounding of the rain on the windows, but looking at them like that, Devin almost felt like a part of a loving family.

His oldest brother sat right to Mother, his back hunched slightly as he leaned towards her chair to hear her whispered words. Erion’s expression stayed as stone as ever as he kept nodding in agreement, but his eyes kept flickering towards his daughter. Devin smiled slightly as he turned his gaze to Ananna as well; sitting next to her father, the little princess seemed the only one untouched by the death of her grandfather.

She’s a child. The longer she manages to stay carefree, the brighter our kingdom’s future will probably be. Gods know that not one of us of got to stay a child very long.

He sighed silently as his eyes skimmed over Sandor again, once more wondering if it was possible the second king’s son had a gift of magic that helped him to never look his age. He shoved away the thought - hiding magic was impossible, especially for a figure as public as one of the princes. And even if it was possible, Devin was ready to bet his sword on his brother’s inability to hide any speck of power that’d make him stronger than Erion.

“Are you alright?” His sister’s touch pulled him out of thoughts, the sight of her hand on his making him smile for the first time in what felt like centuries. He squeezed it shortly in an answer, turning to her.

As if looking into a mirror, he thought to himself, but then corrected his mind; as if looking at my reflection in water or a crystal. So similar, yet undeniably, almost unreally different.

“I’m just tired,” he muttered, meeting Lenore’s eyes. They were the exact shade of grey as his own - though hers lacked the dark bags under them - under carefully crafted eyebrows and with that calm expression which made him feel safe and everyone else feel alerted.

“I know,” she replied, pulling her hand from his to take a bite of fish from her plate. He observed her, feeling his mood turning lighter. Unlike on anyone else, his twin always seemed to have that effect on him, as if there was something about her presence that made him feel less tired - both physically and mentally. He had nearly forgotten how it felt, in the seven months he hasn’t seen her.

He opened his mouth to ask her what life’s been like in Goldencourt and whether Hedril’s been taking good care of her - whether she’s been taking care of him, even more - when the queen’s words cut his thoughts. He reached for his glass again before looking at her.

“It’s time to hold a proper coronation,” she said. All the heads turned to her, except for Erion’s. The crown prince kept observing his soup darkly, ignoring the way Sandor’s head turned to him and the way Iluan’s eyes darted from him to their mother.

“Father never named the heir,” the count noticed. Devin felt himself frowning a little. As a knight, sworn to his older brother and the rest of the family just like the king’s illegitimate son, he had given up on royal title and heirloom, knowing well enough his place in the line of succession is at least five deaths away - considering Ethian never gets legitimised, their mother doesn’t object and none of his other older siblings has a child. And yet, the king’s words about the crown planted a seed of wonder in his mind. He never imagined himself on the throne, preferring the weight of sword over that of a crown - but out of five remaining children, he was the only one who still seemed to care about the family, and it was so easy - easier than he dared to let himself think - to imagine his father bestowing the title to him.

Stop thinking that way.

“It’s been three days since your father’s funeral,” Devin got out of his thoughts just in time to hear his mother say. “It’s time.”

“I’ve been here three days too long,” Iluan noticed. The queen sighed silently, giving him one of her held-back smiles.

“One would think you’d be as glad to see your family as it is to see you,” she said.

Iluan smirked. “One would think this family would think of visiting me if I was so missed.” He raised his glass. “Once in four years would’ve done the trick.” Devin narrowed his eyes at him. It was hard to tell with Iluan, and his voice told nothing of his true feelings, but for a moment his words made Devin wonder if the count was admitting to being hurt and asking for an apology.

“Drakefort is barely two miles away from the ocean border of the Labyrinth,” Erion said calmly, seeming somewhat detached from the conversation. “You’ll forgive the bluntness, but I doubt your loneliness is our primal concern at the moment. Father hasn’t named the heir, but rules of succession are as clear as ever. There must be coronation, and there must be a king. Unless the fall of Naavia is already in your interest, Iluan, I take it you will agree.”

Devin tried to imagine living there as his brother turned silent again, everyone’s eyes resting on Iluan. Being so close to the Labyrinth must’ve been frightening. Knowing everything was surrounded by it, even if one never caught a glimpse of its shadowed entrances, was enough to make a person scared and uncomfortable - seeing the mists across the ocean as he’d look out of the window, knowing just over there the sea would change colour and lead him into something different from the world he knows, was something Devin didn’t quite want to keep imagining.

“Fall of Naavia is not in my interest, and I see no reason why it would ever be,” Iluan said finally. “As I already said a couple of days ago, I am not marrying the Emperor. Stop trying so hard to present me as an enemy, that was Father’s game.” He leaned back, taking his drink again. “I agree, you should get your crown.” He took a sip of wine. “Ah. And it’s less than two miles away now, but I suppose that is just a technicality.”

No one said a word, dark thoughts clouding their expressions; same dark thoughts that ran through Devin’s mind.

The Labyrinth is getting closer again… How is it that silence of this family seems so much heavier than any other?

Even the little princess’s eyes seemed scared, wide and light under thin curled eyebrows, as she turned to her father as if asking for comfort without a word.

“It’s moving,” Sandor said finally. “Do we know if there’s anything that made it move, after staying still for years?”

“Maybe it’s getting hungry,” Lenore muttered, taking a piece of potato and smirking slightly as she glanced at Sandor over it. “I highly doubt moving is the right way to put it… What use would it have of moving? It’s obviously growing, meaning something is probably making it grow.”

Devin turned to her. “The way you put it, it sounds like you also have an idea what it is.”

“I don’t.” She shrugged. “But everything needs to feed in order to grow, isn’t it so? Whatever it’s using to grow…”

“...it’ll want more of it.” Devin rubbed his temples. “Brilliant…”

“I don’t like this story,” Ananna mumbled, cowering a bit in her chair and glancing at her father again. Looking back at her, Erion nodded slowly.

“I don’t like it either.” He turned to his siblings again. “But it’s irrelevant. There is nothing we can do about it now. A small group of my scouts will accompany you on your way back to Drakefort. Furthermore, Lenore… Will you be going back to Goldencourt?” He turned to her and she met his eyes with a slightly raised eyebrow. “Or rather, have you considered staying here instead, or accompanying Sandor and Devin to Mereth?”

Devin’s heart beat faster for a moment, as he imagined Lenore coming with him. Hedril would surely come with her - he was her guardian and best friend, Devin remembered him being there when they were kids almost as often as the twins themselves would be together.

And we’d get to meet again…

“I’ve considered it, yes,” Lenore said then, her tone as uninterested as always. "I've decided against it." She pointed her fork at Erion, shrugging in reply to her mother’s scowl. “However hard it seems to imagine anything more boring than Goldencourt, I’m afraid both sitting around in Mereth and wandering around here falls under that category.”

*

With a deep sigh - first one he’d allowed himself since his father died - Devin took off his shirt and belt, putting his sword aside, and bent over the washing basin. He let the water cool his hands for a long moment, before drawing his fingers through his hair. He was tired. Unusually, unbearably so, and there was nothing he could do about it. Ever since they arrived, he’d barely slept, turning in his bed until the covers would fall to the floor and then spending the rest of the night sitting by the window and observing the stars.

He missed Mereth already. Not because it was more beautiful than the castle, or because there was anyone waiting for him there, but it was only in Mereth that he could have his peace.

Although I do miss two people to share that peace with.

He sighed once more, splashing water over his face again and then walked over to the window, taking a candle on his way. Opening the window, he let his mind wander, looking at the sun setting behind the mountains. Somewhere behind those mountains, up to the Northeast, lay his fortress, barely a few miles away from the Ladymoon’s Swamps. He wondered if the mists over them still looked as golden as he remembered them from childhood, as he narrowed his eyes at the setting sun. It painted the edges of the forest in fire, only for a short couple of minutes before disappearing behind the cliffs.

Devin only had a moment to smile - then a gloved hand clasped tightly over his mouth, another gripping his wrist, and a soft blow over his shoulder extinguished the flame.

***


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1634 Reviews


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Tue Aug 26, 2014 7:28 pm
Deanie wrote a review...



Hi Aria!

I have to admit - I don't really have much to say about this chapter. It was almost perfect in itself. Unlike the first one where I felt lost and confused at some points, I felt like I really knew what was going on now. I could imagine them all seated in this guarded room, holding this discussion, and I could see all the different family members. I like how we're switching (although in third person) between different people. We're getting other perspectives and in this case it is really working well.

I feel like we should get more of Devin's thoughts about his brother returning. Yes, he did state his reasons, but there will always be suspicions that he has other reasons, even if he is family. I know I would be suspicious. So, maybe he should be thinking about it a bit more. I feel like he would also be thinking more about being King and who it falls to. But after continuing the chapter and seeing it brought up later on makes me feel satisfied enough to forget that point. But I would've liked more thoughts about his brother being back home.

family’s portrait behind the black curtains overlooked the dining room, the late king seeming to watch over his family’s meals.


Oh no, I think this is a comma splice. The comma doesn't really connect those two sentences well because they're so separate. How about: black curtains overlooked the dining room, making the it seem like the late kin was watching over his family's meals. That way we make the direct connection of the portrait in both parts of the sentence, and now it makes sense again.

He had nearly forgotten how it felt, in the seven months he hasn’t seen her.


I don't really feel like the comma is necessary here.

I don't really have anything more to say! I apologise for this being a short review, but all the previous reviews mentioned everything worth covering and now I didn't have much to say! Hopefully I can be more help in future parts.

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Deanie x




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Sun Jun 29, 2014 1:02 pm
Kelpies wrote a review...



Hello AriaAdams,

The suspense! It's killing me! I did find one minor error though:

"not one of us of got" I think you should take out the last "of".


That's pretty much it. I really like where this story is going. I'm eating up these chapters like peanuts, I'll feel quite deprived when I finish them. I love your story! I'm so reading the rest of the chapters!

~Kelpies




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Mon Apr 14, 2014 3:31 am
Snowery wrote a review...



Hey Aria! Silver here for a review!! :)

Everyone else have basically stolen all the nitpicks and to tell you the truth I was so engrossed in the story that I didn't really look for any. :)

I really liked this chapter because you've given us a much better sense of your "world". You've introduced the concept of the labyrinth which I think is awesome.

Knowing everything was surrounded by it,

Are they completely surrounded by this labyrinth? 'Cause if they are that is totally scary and cool because it seems like a really unique concept.

I have to commend you on your choice of p.o.v for this chapter. It's nice to have a different perspective and I 'm glad that you didn't go for someone really obvious like Iluan. I like that you picked Devon because when I read about him in the other chapter he seemed slightly unimportant, so yeah I thought that was cool.

Just like everyone else, I loved that ending! It was just awesome in every way. I really don't have much negatives to say so keep up the great work. Oh, I also like the game of thronesy kind of feel that this story has, with each character being quite developed and the labyrinth having a similar effect as "the wall". I'm really enjoying this! Happy writing!! :) :)

Silverlock




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Fri Apr 11, 2014 10:38 pm
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Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

Your wisely sage has finally reached the rendezvous point that was previously discussed. She apologizes for her lateness and lack of nourishing food for the next leg of the journey. There's a long story about dragons and tar pits and mountain troll thieves, but that story can wait for another time. Your sage owes you a review.

Just real quick, it doesn't look like you edited much before posting. Don't hate me! It's just my honest opinion. Therefore, I will pointing out lots of things that can be improved. Yipee! Let's get started!! :D

Time for some nitpicks:

The family’s portrait behind the black curtains overlooked the dining room, the late king seeming to watch over his family’s meals.

I had to read this sentence over a few times before I really understood it. I think the problem was that I wasn't connecting the fact that the king was in the family portrait. I think that's just the unobservant part of me coming out. Maybe you could add a short description as to where everyone is placed in this portrait? I'd really just like to know where the king and queen are. You don't have to go into specific details. That would fit best after the comma I think. Then the part about the late king watching over their meals would make more sense.

The picture was covered in black whenever a family member would die - the last time being five years ago, although the crown prince’s wife was never drawn next to his still young figure break here. New sentence --> and A dark purple veil would be hung over it whenever the Labyrinth would take another of the king’s children.

I think this should really be two sentences. Even though you have a dash to separate the part about the last time someone died in the family it just seems like such a loaded sentence. I made the changes in the quote above so you can see exactly what I mean.

His older brother, although they had traveled all the way from the Mereth fortress together, seemed as fresh as ever, not for a moment breaking his always perfect posture.

In this sentence you just have to switch parts around. The part about Sander being fresh as ever should go before saying he traveled all the way from the Mereth fortress. That would make the comparison between Sander and Devin a lot more apparent. It would read: "His older brother seemed fresh as ever, even though he traveled all the way from the Mereth forest with Devin, and never broke his perfect posture."

Gods know that not one of us of got to stay a child very long.

Just a little typo here; an extra word you probably didn't mean to write. And also, did you mean 'gods'? Usually it's just God singular, but there could be multiple gods that these characters believe in. I'm just curious.

He shoved away the thought - hiding magic was impossible, especially for a figure as public as one of the princes.

This is sort of a run-on. It's one of those sentences where I can't really tell if it's a run-on or not. But it just seems like too much information in one sentence. The dash should be a semi-colon instead and there should be a period after the word impossible. Then start a new sentence.

They were the exact shade of grey as his own - though hers lacked the dark bags under them - under carefully crafted eyebrows and with that calm expression which made him feel safe and everyone else feel alerted.

Here's another place where it should be two separate sentences instead of just one.

“As I already said a couple of days ago, I am not marrying the Emperor.

I'm not a huge fan of this statement. Obviously they all know that he is not marrying the Emperor. That would just be weird and -- well, weird. So I find it a bit awkward to read. Maybe instead you should say something about how he's in love with the emperor's daughter and doesn't give a crap about anything the emperor believes in or supports.

or because there was'nt anyone waiting for him there

Typo

Alright, nitpicks are done!

I'm super interested in this idea of the Labyrinth. Ever since you mentioned it taking the king's children, I was hooked. I wanted to know more. Where was this Labyrinth? What did it look like? Were its victims killed or just trapped for all eternity, doomed to never emerge again? I always think it's amazing how one word can invoke so many thoughts and yearnings to know more. Seriously. That's what I love about words and language in general. It's so easy to draw someone into a story. And that's exactly what you did here.

And oh my gosh, that cliffhanger! It's perfect! Kidnappings, or just surprise attacks in general, are hard to describe sometimes. You don't want to get into too much detail because the reader's will be overwhelmed and might lose sight of the fear that the character is feeling. But you made it short and to the point, leaving me with so many questions that I won't get answered until the next chapter. How can you be so mean to me?! D':

As for the rest of the chapter, it was good. I'm still a bit confused with all these characters and I have to go back a few sentences too reread and understand who's who, but I know that'll get better with time. I just have to get used to everyone.

I enjoyed reading this! I really hope that the Labyrinth didn't catch Devin. That would be terrible! But kinda good for me because then I'll get to see what the Labyrinth is like. I'm so mean. I'm over here hoping something terrible happens to your character just so I can see what would happen XD

Your sage hopes the nourishment strengthened you and prepared you for your journey ahead. She sends you ahead with the next rendezvous point and promises she will be more prompt in the future.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




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Mon Apr 07, 2014 8:29 pm
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SushiSashimi333 wrote a review...



So you said I didn't have to review this, but you see, I like talking so I'm going to XD However, to make you feel less guilty or whatever, I shall make it shorter. You told me you already know what you did wrong, so I'll start with everything that I feel you did quite right!

1. The second half of your story seemed to pick up pace which I really liked, discussing the matters of the heir and all it let's my mind wander and start making predictions about the outcome of the story.
2. The discussion of the labyrinth, not knowing much about it and the way in which it's mentioned send chills down my spine. I can't wait to find out more about it, I guess it's like the big mystery right now in your story that I need to solve.
3. Then ending was very nicely done. Painting that nice scenery then creating such a calming mood only to have him be kidnapped XD Terrific really!!!
4. You had a pretty good flow throughout most of your story, there were some fairly rough parts in the beginning, but overall you did a pretty good job.
5. Pace was perfect, you started out slow to make the end seem like it was going faster and it allowed the end to go smoothly and perfectly.

Of course there were some parts that you needed to fix. It seemed that the first half had some trouble in keeping my attention and some of the sentences were... awkward. Just work on flow there and grabbing the reader's attention a little more. You mentioned some names that I didn't remember, but that might be because I read your first chapter last week so I don't remember quite as well. Some explanations or slight recaps might be good and help the characters stick in a reader's mind.

That's all I really have to say, hope this was short ><

Sushi :D




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Sun Apr 06, 2014 12:48 pm
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Apricity wrote a review...



Heyo, Ari. Subtle here for a review! This was a long chapter, I had to employ my eye dropper to get through this. Though that factor might be that I've been staring at the computer for two hours. Anyways, enough of me rambling. Let's get onto the real deal.

So, I'm going to comment on your content first and after that, if there's any nitpicking left. We'll see. First of all, I would like to say that your descriptions are very vivid and detailed. A lot of metaphors and similes were well-used, that detailed your character's emotions and inner feelings as well as giving the readers a detailed description of the situation they're in. At first, I was confused who Devin is since you switched POVs but then I realized he was one of the king's sons which is good way to offer readers different perspective of how individual characters act or what role they play in the plot. Though there were some info dumps along the way when Devin and his siblings mused over the crown, I still really liked it because the dialogue was smooth and they conveyed much of the situation at hand and at the same time. Providing a voice and in-depth personality with each character. Now, interesting as it is you probably could cut off some of their musings and shorten it to the essential parts. Because it did bore me a bit. The part I enjoyed the most was probably the last paragraph because that was one killer. Way to leave me hanging for more..

So, I found a few suggestions here and there:

I noticed you wrote 'traveled' instead of 'travelled' earlier on. I'm not sure if this is deliberate or what, if not. Traveled should be travelled.

when the queen’s words cut his thoughts.
Cut his thoughts? Did she get a knife and cut his thoughts of? I think you meant, 'cut through' or 'cut off'.

everyone else feel alerted.
Is the feel necessary there? Alerted would sound sharper on its own.

“Father never named the heir,” the count noticed. Devin felt himself frowning a little. As a knight, sworn to his older brother and the rest of the family just like the king’s illegitimate son, he had given up on royal title and heirloom, knowing well enough his place in the line of succession is at least five deaths away - considering Ethian never gets legitimised, their mother doesn’t object and none of his other older siblings has a child. And yet, the king’s words about the crown planted a seed of wonder in his mind. He never imagined himself on the throne, preferring the weight of sword over that of a crown - but out of five remaining children, he was the only one who still seemed to care about the family, and it was so easy - easier than he dared to let himself think - to imagine his father bestowing the title to him.
I don't know, Ari. That inner musing bordered on info dump, I will admit I skimmed that part because it wasn't exactly interesting nor could I see it is crucial to the story. I think with your descriptive skills, you can weave those facts in in short sentences here and there instead of bunching them altogether in one place.As far as I could see, only the last two lines were essential as they displayed Devin's emotions towards his brothers and the crown.

“One would think you’d be as glad to see your family as it is to see you,” she said.
I think you meant, 'they are' instead of 'it is'.

So, I'm going to stop here because I think I've made my point. A lot of chapter has written with Devin and his siblings and a lot of stream-of-consciousness was going on here, and some of those merged into info dump. I'm not saying is bad, Ari. Because is not, but try and avoid over-describing things or over-detailing a certain character's feelings. Keep your writing concise and keep the action up, fast and steady. I know you can do this because I've read some of your other works. Your introduction and ending was good, but as aforementioned. The middle part had a bit too much dialogue and not enough action, I actually had to read it twice so I can review it.

Overall, I think this is an interesting chapter (though the middle part is a bit like a filler...*coughs), but the ending was wonderful and your language is promising as it is for your characters. Even with so many, you've managed to keep them palpable and have their own voice to a certain standard, so keep it up and tell me when the next chapter is up!

Hoped I helped!

-S.s





Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.
— Martin Luther King Jr.