I write
because I'm selfish.
When I die,
I want to be remembered.
I don't
want to be washed away
by the currents of time
worn down
'til I disappear
among all the other
minuscule
grains of sand/pieces of silt.
I want to be preserved
through my work,
to mean something
to someone.
Long after
everyone I have ever
and will
know
has been buried beneath the ground
and their bones
have begun to
crumble,
even if it's just
one person-
one reader-
I want to know
that I still have an audience.
I want to me immortalized
in paper and ink,
and I want
to write.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Love the topic!
I do have a couple of comments though.
Where you say "Long after/everyone I have ever/and will/know," I would add another "ever" after "will". This parallelism, I think, adds to the effect of that sentence. It also makes the line "and will" seem less choppy and abrupt.
The line where you say "grains of sand/pieces of silt," I might alter slightly. Rather than leave the / in the middle of the line, I would separate it into two lines or I would use a comma or dash to add the same effect. Which one you choose depends on what you like aesthetically and what you think sounds best within the poem.
Additionally, I'm not sure that I would break the poem into stanzas, but I would definitely look at the formatting. For this poem, I would try a single spaced format rather than the double spaced that it is. You can get that by holding shift as you press enter. I think this may make your poem appear better and may make it slightly easier to read.
Awesome start!
--Grey
Heej,
This is great!
You really captured the fear of human.
To be forgotten.
No tips from me tho, just loved your work
Greetz,
Xx
thanks
I think this was an ingenious way to convey the message that you don't want to be forgotten when you die. That you want your passion to live on in your memory, if nothing else. I, sadly, will never be very good at poetry, but this poem makes me want to be. We just finished a poetry unit at my school, and I wish we could share work like this.
One nit-picky thing:
I want to me immortalized - me should be be
But, other than that, that line was AMAAAAAAZING! I normally hate poetry, but if I read yours all day long, I would definitely stop.
thank you so much! I'm new to YMS so it means a lot to me!
So am I! Would you mind checking out a story of mine- or, actually, two?
One is called Spotlight and it's a short story, and the other is United- Chapter 1. It's a novel.
sure
"A great poem that is telling about your life that is perfect for people that like this kind
of poetry. Creepy in someways but very good, Many readers will love this story just like I did,
Keep o writing and remember, writing is something you make and like, don't let peoples words get in the way" -EmeraldLinks
Thanks! You just made my day!