Young Writers Society

Love the topic!

I do have a couple of comments though.

Where you say "Long after/everyone I have ever/and will/know," I would add another "ever" after "will". This parallelism, I think, adds to the effect of that sentence. It also makes the line "and will" seem less choppy and abrupt.

The line where you say "grains of sand/pieces of silt," I might alter slightly. Rather than leave the / in the middle of the line, I would separate it into two lines or I would use a comma or dash to add the same effect. Which one you choose depends on what you like aesthetically and what you think sounds best within the poem.

Additionally, I'm not sure that I would break the poem into stanzas, but I would definitely look at the formatting. For this poem, I would try a single spaced format rather than the double spaced that it is. You can get that by holding shift as you press enter. I think this may make your poem appear better and may make it slightly easier to read.

Awesome start!

--Grey

Heej,

This is great!
You really captured the fear of human.
To be forgotten.
No tips from me tho, just loved your work

Greetz,
Xx

I think this was an ingenious way to convey the message that you don't want to be forgotten when you die. That you want your passion to live on in your memory, if nothing else. I, sadly, will never be very good at poetry, but this poem makes me want to be. We just finished a poetry unit at my school, and I wish we could share work like this.

One nit-picky thing:

I want to me immortalized - me should be be

But, other than that, that line was AMAAAAAAZING! I normally hate poetry, but if I read yours all day long, I would definitely stop.

"A great poem that is telling about your life that is perfect for people that like this kind
of poetry. Creepy in someways but very good, Many readers will love this story just like I did,
Keep o writing and remember, writing is something you make and like, don't let peoples words get in the way" -EmeraldLinks