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Young Writers Society


12+

The Last Breath of Fire, Prologue

by Zontafer


Try to imagine a black space. Nothing but darkness. Except for a gate. A single gate, somewhere deep in the black void. Behind this gate, a small kingdom was. The most tragic and grey garden you have ever seen. Bricks of stone put together, to create a big hall. A feasting hall. This feasting hall belonged to spirits. Spirits who practiced powerful magic, and had the force to destroy anything. Once, in their garden, these forces of life used their sorcery. They were playing around to see what they could do with their powers.

An accident occurred. Their power was so strong, that it broke out from the gate, and into the void, and colours filled the world. The four elements created the world, with two dimensions. Earth was the first of all, and the main element. To fill the holes where earth could not fill, water came. Wind hit the earth, to blow over all silence. Finally yet importantly, from the fourth element, fire, the sun was created to bring warmth upon the earth and wash away all darkness. The light from the giant star shone upon the black and endless void, to create the light blue sky. Together with these elements, green grass spread across the ground. Soon, bigger plants and flowers started to grow. Trees of oak and walnut, yellow dandelions and roses of pink and red, wild bushes and tall grass everywhere.

The days of Luxterria grew darker and darker each day. Dawn came slowly later and later, whilst dusk was never far away. A fierce, red dragon flew above the clouds of the sky. It leaned its head forwards and sat course down to the earth. Beneath the clouds dark forests with wild beasts, mountains with dark and abandoned mines, and deep mysterious waters found place. The beast spotted mankind riding their horses far down on the earth. The dragon flew down to them, as she smelled their fear. She could hear them scream while they tried to escape her wrath. The flying creature’s throat started glowing a red colour of warmth. She was the heir of fire, roamed her mind whilst opening her mouth, with flames coming out of it. All over the realm, screams could be heard, as they burned alive from her flames.

As the life slowly and painfully sank out of them, she flapped with her wings, choking the flames. The dragon grabbed them with her claws and flew up to a mountain. At the top of the mountain, there was a little entrance. Hungry cries sounded as they heard their mother coming. Three dragon children lived in the nest. Their mother gave them two of the men to feast on, and took the third for herself.

They must grow strong, she thought. She was the last of her kin, and after the death of all the dragon riders, she had been waiting for a new one to come. No one ever called for her though, and as the years had gone by, her eggs had now hatched. Now she had a responsibility of three dragons. The hunting for food had tired her, and she could not provide much food for herself, if she wanted her children to live on. She realized how much she missed her old dragonrider who had died in the Field of Fire.

The war broke out when some of the dragonriders wanted to use dragons for their thirst after power. Corrupted by power and darkness, both races suffered. An alliance of the last true dragonriders fought together. The two most powerful dragons, Verath and Roluth, met. Their riders fought against each other in a clash of red, orange and blue flames. Even purple, the most powerful of them all. The dragons summoned their last strength, and breathed a flame of purple against each other. Then, the explosion sounded all over the entire realm. Everyone, both men and dragonkin fell to the ground.

Later on, I woke up. All alone. Everyone was dead. Except for me, and my three eggs. I am the last dragon. The last creature in this world who is capable of breathing fire. Now, I am waiting for the last dragonrider. There are those descendants of the city Asgard, but none of them are true dragonriders.

The beast watched her children eat the fresh flesh of men. It is my task, and mine alone to make sure the dragons survive. I cannot fail.


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Fri Oct 10, 2014 6:58 pm
makepastanotwar wrote a review...



Hey!
I enjoyed this. It caught my attention right away and the wording was strong, though a bit rushed. But, it is only a prologue so I know everything will be explained. It's really interesting, and being a dragon and fantasy lover like myself, I like it. I know this story was put out a while ago but this is my first review so please forgive me for starting out like this :) can't wait to start reading the rest!

- Pasta!!




Zontafer says...


Thanks for the review!
And it doesnt matter that it was written a long time ago, it was still helpful. ^^
Thanks again,

- Zont



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Fri Jun 20, 2014 6:25 am
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Ravingmoon wrote a review...



Hey there.

Please forgive me if I offend you in anyway during this review. As much as the story caught my attention, I think you tried to get everything out quickly. I am assuming that the creatures who Practice this magic will be brought into better light later.

I liked the introduction of the dragon, Though I still do not know what her name is. Also, the meeting of the most powerful dragons could be saved for a later time. Simply because it seems a wee bit out of place. I also like the dragon rider back story. Gives us a bit of foreshadowing and I really like the anticipation. Although, I think that the battle of flames should be written differently. If I may, I will give an example.

"Both sides fought in a dance of red, orange, blue and even purple fire, the strongest of all."

But see, this is my opinion. Nothing more.

And I do not understand how the eggs survived. Perhaps they were hidden or she was pregnant before the battle started. And I am assuming that you implied that The two dragons mentioned are the parents. Might want to give that detail.

All in all, this was a great story and it really does make me want to read more. Now know that I have started from the beginning and will be reviewing the rest soon. Keep up the great work




Zontafer says...


Thanks for the review!
This was written over 3 months ago, so it's a bit 'rusty', but thanks for tips!
I totally agree with what you said, and I'll try to remember it if I ever rewrite it (which I probably will).
Thanks again!

- Zontafer



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Tue May 06, 2014 10:23 pm
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Alchemist wrote a review...



Hello!

This is my first review so u might want not to take me very seriously.

I really like the style of yours. Im also a fellow fantasy lover.

On the other side, story seems like it could turn into a cliche. The whole thing about last of its kind, dragonriders, waiting for the chosen one is widely used nowdays. I dont say this is cliche, but you will have to be really carefull to keep the story original.

Last, and probably least, did you take the name of the city, Asgard, intentionally? If yes then is ok, if no you might want to check the name out.

I see that you have went quite deep into the story while im writing this, i will try to find time and read it all in a next few days.

-Alchemist




Zontafer says...


Thanks for your review, and welcome to YWS!
Yeah, I know. I've been trying to stay as original as possible during my story. In fact, I haven't read any dragon novels, only watched Eragon a long time ago. And yeah, I chose Asgard from Norse Mythology. If I will keep it, I don't know.
Thanks again!

- Zontafer



Alchemist says...


Asgard is cool, as long as its not a coincidence. But hey, this is a writers society, not an everyday life, people here are smart. :)

I think i already wrote it somewere, but the chapter one promises an interesting twist, so im not that worried about your originality anymore.

-Alchemist



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Tue Mar 11, 2014 10:17 pm
Zontafer says...



Okay, I couldn't turn this into a reply, since it was too long!

Thank you for the review! When someone is reviewing your work, you really realize what you need to improve and what you need to fix, so thanks for pointing it out! :)
Whilst editing the text, I noticed I had used ''as'' like four times, so I fixed that too.

Thanks a lot!

- Zontafer




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Tue Mar 11, 2014 9:25 pm
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OliveDreams wrote a review...



Hey Zontafer! 

So - this piece immediately caught my eye. I am fantasy and prologue MAD! This looks right up my alley! I will review as I read so that it will make a lot more sense to both me and you.

Here goes!

Then, an accident occurred
- I think you could take out the ‘then‘ here. It would sound a lot more powerful.

Your imagery is beautiful! I can’t really ask for much more in this department. It’s always nice to see an author who can really paint a picture with words :)

The beast spotted mankind riding their horses down on the earth. The dragon flew down to them, as she smelled their fear. She could hear them scream as they tried to escape her. The flying creature’s throat started glowing red of warmth. She was the heir of fire. Flames flew out of her mouth as she opened it, and their clothes took fire. All over the realm, screams could be heard, as they burned alive from her flames.
- This section feels really start/stop when you read it aloud. Maybe a little too many short sentences? Extend a few to maintain the flow.

I agree with MrGreen, your first two passages are the most effective. They have been well thought out and written with tender love and care. Make sure you put as much time into the rest of your prologue. However, I think you’ve picked it up to the same standard again in the final section.

I like this! It has a lot going for it and I like the endless possibilities that you could take it. I don’t think I’ve ever read a dragon story from the point of view of a dragon before.....nice job.

Good luck!

Olive <3




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Tue Mar 11, 2014 8:54 pm
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MrGreen wrote a review...



This is an interesting and captivating prologue. It is well-written and has the potential to grow into something very good. Your prose style is simple yet evocative; and I particularly like the first two passages, as the tone of them reminded me a little of the creation story in genesis. The world-building is strong; and the stream of conciousness of the dragon is a great idea, well worth expanding on. All in all, very nicely done.




Zontafer says...


Wow thanks a lot! :)



MrGreen says...


No problem




One believes things because one has been conditioned to believe them.
— Aldous Huxley, Brave New World