Young Writers Society

Heya, lost! Casanova here to do a review for you!

Anyway, let's hit a few hit a few basic points.

Characters:
Alright, so for the most part your characters are there. They're well rounded and well thought out, and in a lot of the places I think that you portray them well. The beginning of this, however, I think that they're a bit boring and robotic, if that makes any sense. Anyway, onward to the next point.

Plot:

So, the plot is the most interesting thing here. I find that it's creates a spark in my mind wanting me to know more about it, and I feel like I need to turn to the next page, so to speak. So props for that, most novels aren't compelling in that aspect. I had a few nitpicks though.

The first one is basic. At the beginning it seems really rushed. Like, you skip a whole part of the people's lives that I would like to know about. It's like we're moving on a rollercoaster that doesn't slow down, and I don't like that.

The other thing is the way you just go ahead and kill off the woman he loves. I mean, I would like to know more about her and more about her death. How, why, when, where, things like that. It's interesting and you just go ahead and skip that part of it.

The next thing would be the week that she dies. I want to see him try to make her fall in love with him. I think that would be a crucial point in the story considering it's the last week of her life.

Anyway, that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped.

Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.

Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron

Hi lostthought! Here as requested - sorry it's taken so long!

Thought I'd start with the quibbles. Most of them have already been pointed out, and the only one that really jumped out at me was:

." I hold out my hand. It gets shook 

Helloooo there Lostthought! Pompadour here for a quick review~

Technical

Her life ended from a gamble I played.

I think "because of" would be more appropriate there.

That was one year ago. I still mourn her death. I have tried to move on to another girl, but I can't. She was my life, my Maria. A gamble. A foolish gamble that ended in death. How dumb I was! How I still feel a pang of guilt in my heart every time I think about it. Just a foolish gamble...

All right, so I pretty much understood that you were going for emphasis here, but you just ended up teasing the reader. Why was she a gamble? It also seems a bit repetitive, and like you're simply stretching the fact out for no reason at all. Also, the transition seems to be kind of abrupt. I had to re-read this bit twice. Maybe if the first para was in italics or something...?

Crap o.o I posted it twice somehow :/ @Nate

Interesting beginning! This is a really cool plot!

oh, Hey xD I'm Kamryn! I'll try and review your work for you

I love how much love there was for this woman, and how it's a mystery of how she finally confessed her love!

I think it would be very interesting as the story goes on to 'flashback' to how she was killed! Which, I haven't read the next few chapters, but I hope it's there ;3

Actually, maybe that'd be better to reveal later in the story, but build up to it Maybe put a plot twist and make Tyler a Vampire or something

Kidding, Kidding.

Anyways, Amazing beginning! You seem to have much experience!

Thanks for reading until here <3

Kamryn

Interesting beginning! This is a really cool plot!

oh, Hey xD I'm Kamryn! I'll try and review your work for you

I love how much love there was for this woman, and how it's a mystery of how she finally confessed her love!

I think it would be very interesting as the story goes on to 'flashback' to how she was killed! Which, I haven't read the next few chapters, but I hope it's there ;3

Actually, maybe that'd be better to reveal later in the story, but build up to it Maybe put a plot twist and make Tyler a Vampire or something

Kidding, Kidding.

Anyways, Amazing beginning! You seem to have much experience!

Thanks for reading until here <3

Kamryn

Hey, Lost!

The atmosphere's so well-crafted, I can't compliment you enough. Braided with shadow, draped in mist. You start with a significant character's death--risky, but something an experienced writer can pull off. I'm expecting plenty detailed flashbacks to ensue. And this really seized my attention:

Tyler asked, "Hey, David, want to make a bet?"

So, Tyler was in Arkansas, eh? He can't escape my wrath forever. He will pay for his crime. How stupid is he, to think that he is safe. How stupid to think he can hide from me forever. Well, he has another thing coming to him.

...as she laid there,

...that use to inhabit her.

I have tried to move on to another girl but I can't.

How retarded I was!

How I still feel a pang of guilt in my heart every time I think about it.

"Sure bro

"If you win, she will be your wife. If you lose, however, she dies."

dark skinned

His features are hard to see for a hood covered his face from view.

Really loved it, nice choice of words and great imagination you got!
Keep up the good work i can't wait to read more of your stories.

Wow, that was darker than I was expecting! Not that I have a problem with that, of course. In fact it's one of my favourite things to read. I'm not quite as good as you at writing it though I must confess!
This story has a lot of potential, I'll definitely follow it with such a great first chapter I can only imagine what else you have to offer us.
The only, truly miniscule, mistake I noticed, "I don't remember holding a pencil, nevertheless breaking one." Though that's not necessarily incorrect I think you mean, I don't remember holding a pencil, let alone breaking one. Nevertheless would mean I don't remember holding a pencil, but I broke it anyway, whether I remembered holding it or not. Like I said, that might have been exactly what you meant but I thought that I'd point it out to you just in case it wasn't.
You're a talented writer, that much is clear. I really hope you continue this story, I'm definitely looking forward to seeing exactly where it goes, and I really hope you keep on writing, you're too good not to!
In conclusion, a truly great start!
Faithless

I've been reading a lot of dark literature lately, but this takes the reward. Death, grief, wrath, vengeance, trickery, what more can a person ask for? I admire your consistency of this chapter and how you went straight into the action. I'm not much for stories told in a sort of present tense with "I say", "he says", "she says", but this was written so well that I'm going to have to keep my eyes open for the next chapter. Also if you're going to continue the story in the present tense, make sure that you really revise your work, otherwise your readers won't know which it is supposed to be. The only grammatical error I found was towards the beginning. "Would've" and "have" do not go in the same sentence, drop one and keep the other but I would keep "would've". Other than that, your sentence structure and your grammar was flawless. You have left me with a lot of anticipation after reading this. This guy is left with a sense of unhealthy revenge fueled by a broken heart. It's awful when a friend betrays you like that. But what is going to happen later in the story? Is the main character going to continue his quest for revenge, or is he going to have a change of heart sometime later in the story? Is his former friend going to put up a fight or is he going to cower? Or if you want to turn this into something a little more supernatural, is the main character's love going to come back to life? You have me guessing.