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16+ Mature Content

Origins Chapter 1

by t0sh


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.

I'm not a very good writer but here is what I have so far, it does mis-use prodigy and anomaly, but I'm trying to think up an entirely new word for the species. As well, there are some mistakes however this piece is 90% done.

Origins

Chapter I: Encounter

THE PLUMMETING rain run along the tips of my hair, each drop liquefying over the contours of my face. They dropped off the bottom of my bellowed chin, which was slumped from the heavy burden of thought. My consciousness was focused attentively on my search, one with seemingly no direction. Regardless I continued to search through various cities archives and libraries with hopes of sparking a flare of memory to recall my forgotten past.

Homelessness had befallen me four years ago. I awoke on a road in Canada just outside the vicinity of Regina. I bore no clothes or assortments of any kind, akin to the knowledge in my mental capacity. The only reprisal I had for such a lack of cognition was a floundering fire in the distance. Fumes danced heavily abroad a hole in the ground. Just below those fumes I was able to deduce that some metallic object lay beneath. The sound of fire still hissed from its dancing flames. At the time, that was of no concern to me. For my body was hindered and worn, all the while being restless with a sense of adrenaline coursing through my veins, reasons of which were obscure to me.

For at the time I had not experienced Earth before, and everything amidst me from flora to the rugged terrain and the lights in the distance all triggered interest, but less important than the intent to find out what had happened. For it was within that moment that I realized the perplexities of my state, of having absolutely no recollection of the events preceding these circumstances, or any sort of memory at all. It almost seemed as though I had dropped out of the sky. With that I began to think, and eventually I surprised even myself. Somehow, I was aware of the norms of this society, and what followed caught me off guard me even more, I knew this planet was called Earth, and that it was populated by a species called humans. I also deduced that they populated a myriad differentiating metropolitan's called cities, towns and that there was a code of morality here, all of which was influenced from their differentiating cultures, with nearly each culture governed by different forms of democracy. It would be some time until I could understand what that really was, but I shrugged all these realizations for a moment and peered over my surroundings. I saw a noticeable light in the distance. I wasn't sure how I distinguished it but I knew it had to be some sort of town.

As I continued to think back to those events I found myself lapsing in and out of thought. A sudden shiver coursed through my body and I brought my hands over my opposing arms to warm them; my mind than lapsed back to that most mysterious day and how I came to where I was now.

Having no objective or motivations in mind, I made way for that distant light that seemed so far away. I walked down that road during an odd hour of the night, the stars were out and all was silent, save for the occasional cry of a cricket and the cool wind rushing through the air. I wasn't entirely certain as to where I was going, but I required some wear. Had anybody seen my state of bareness I’m certain a conflict would have endured.

When my arrival to the shady little town came, I noticed there was nobody awake, save for a certain clothing shop on the left. I walked towards it and instinct kicked in. I blasted a hole through the window of the shop, and of course sirens began blaring at an alarming rate. Out of desperation, I grabbed a back-pack, food and some clothes inside of the store. With that, I immediately began running and found myself mystified by my seeming velocity. Within a few minutes of running down the road the town I was in mere minutes ago was already as far as the distant horizon.

For a moment I snapped back out of thought, upon realizing a man had dropped some coin in a jar for me. I hadn't accumulated much over the day, but it was enough for a warm coffee in the café just down the street.

“Thank-you” I replied with a nod.

But that is when I lowered my head again and brought my arms around myself. The growing thickness of the rain, commingled with the frigid cold of autumn, proved to be excruciating. Once against I continued to reminisce back to that one day, there had to be something I missed.

From the road I looked back to that little town where I had awoken, this was my last chance to search its surroundings and deduce whatever I could, but with me being uncomfortable from passing events and those that had just transpired I began walking down that lonely road; and when that road ended, I continued walking, in any direction, with the thoughts of truth basking mentally.

"Something, will reprieve me of the absence of identity, someday" I continually told myself, though nothing ever did.

It was from that ill met day that I chose to walk alone; I built not lasting friendships or relations of any kind. Reason being, a mere phone call to law enforcement in whatever city I was residing in could lead to pursuit from the human beings. They were looking for us, trying to not only find myself but a myriad of other prodigious beings that walked the Earth. From this disregard of relation, I did however interact with others for brief periods. But this time spent was extremely scarce and random, and only provoked until my business was finished in whatever city I was currently searching. Still, the underlying truth amidst my searches was failure. For those next few years I walked about without a name or any sense of identity. It was from that lack of self-realization that I began to pursue a name. But I found my motivation equally challenged by my lack of understanding in regards to everything around me.

“What name coincides the present time in society? How do I name myself something that is normal and not overly silly?” I asked myself while I sat at a certain coffee shop two years preceding now.

It was in that moment that a man walked in. He took no notice of my ill kept apparel and after a few brief words he was sitting across the table from me.

We exchanged some words before he introduced himself as Jayko, when it was my turn to tell him my name I found myself at a loss. He found it rather queer that I could not respond, but I gave him anything that came to mind.

I found his character quite appealing and commingled with the fact that he was rather pleasant to others with no judgement to color or luxuries of wealth, I figured I could use his name in the absence of my own. So I settled on the name Jayko. It seemingly has fit in rather well with these societies, and has on the odd occasion brought me some-what closer to the people I talked with. This name has been carried with me along my travels, through the frigid cold days of winter, through the blistering heat of summer.

A mighty roar of thunder awoke me from thought. A brisk wind kissed my cheeks and sent shutters down my spine. The crowd amongst me cared little for my hindered state. They quickly made way past me with little to no attention at all. It bothered me little. The petty necessities of these societies, through employment and independence, would only stray me from my original intentions. Many have always said to work, become a tax payer, than continue my search, but I was reluctant. From this disregard, I was slouched against a buildings side, pondering my next move. My eyes were fixated ever so attentively on the puddle before me.

"Who am I? Why am I here? How many more are there of my mind?” I thought to myself. "If there are a-lot, do they share a resemblance with me or to something I’m entirely unfamiliar with?" Reason being for such thought was the apparent space-craft that I had traveled in to come to this planet.

News stations and local newspapers reported sightings of such anomalies. Reports elaborated on petty crimes such as robbery, mischief, but other acts detailed heroism to rescuing those in dire need and aiding law enforcement. Whether these actions were for some purpose, or attempt to pursue unity with the humans, I could not be sure, nor of how closely they resembled me. It was a definite priority to shed light upon, but at the moment, my thoughts were bent on one thing only, the Toronto National Archives, and its Public Library. Perhaps something could be found there that could highlight an event that could spark a flare of memory to help tie some loose ends together.

The Toronto National Archives seemed like the best choice from my current location, St Catharine’s, which was only a few miles away from Toronto itself; which is the largest city in Canada and would likely hold more history on its dusty shelves than any of the previous cities I had visited.

After much pondering and thought, I finally decided that the best time to check through it would be tomorrow morning, seeing as how the current hours likely had them closed. It would provide me with an entire day to carefully examine everything and check through all the logs they carried in their computers.

The only means of evidence I currently have for some sense of identity is paper I managed to tear from a page of a sheet. It was located a few miles from the crash landing. I found it as I was walking away from the wreckage of the ship. It must have been scattered in the distance from the floundering debris, only to be picked up from my untimely approach.

It was an odd sort of paper, much more delicate than any I had since come by and more durable too. I held it inside my pants pocket for indefinite periods of time only to bring it out at a random café store or a bite to eat, for the sole means of study. The odd characteristic about it is the writings upon it, they were similar in appearance to those upon my back and face, some symbolic gestures that referenced something… perhaps an objective, or a location or name? I’ve always taken countless minutes throughout the day to try and draw elaborated letters in an attempt to deduce the definition of the seeming language, all to no avail of course. The important thing was that it was one of pieces of evidence regarding my crash landing upon Earth that I have, and has since been something I've sought to shed light upon, but nothing since has come my way.

However, my time required something of other importance, thirst. My stomach had begun to sing the first hums of desire. It actually bothered me a little. With that, I grabbed my cup I had laid upon my side and quickly emptied it into my hands. $3.25! More than enough to purchase a coffee just down the road, for some reason though; I didn’t feel the intent to eat. For many reasons of course, it was far too expensive and I had some food inside my baggage.

So I picked myself up and stashed my baggage underneath the bridge where I kept all my belongings the previous night. It drew some interest from me. I paced backwards in the process.

‘Will my belongings be okay if I went for a coffee?’ I asked myself, merely because I could not be sure. I looked upwards and it was still raining with the utmost intensity, showing no signs of slowing down for some time.

I decided to shrug off the worry and began treading towards the coffee shop just up the road.

Walking through the heart of downtown proved more annoying than I had originally thought. The crowd amongst me was very thick and people seemed discourteous to physical boundaries. There were no mannerisms to be had. I brushed shoulders with everyone who walked past me. Some were on their cell phones, sheltered with an umbrella from the falling rain, while others were fixated on their own priorities. Some glanced at me with judgement while others muttered rude remarks. However, whoever was foolish enough to be so ignorant, I walked into with full intent. It was then that they felt a portion of my power, as they were humorously pushed aside. Some yelled up to me, while others continued on business of their own. I smiled. Then I arrived at my location. The signature name was lighted by fluorescent tubes, with each word glowing but one. The building seemed to echo and ensuing statement of age, from its dark shady image to the slowly decaying bricks that built its foundation. I walked up towards the door and grasped its rusty handle. I pushed it open and walked inwards. A faint tinkle from a door chimer sung about. I found everyone staring at me; some were perplexed with judgment while others giggled.

I threw my hoodie down from my head and pellets of rain fell on to the ground, dampening its rugged surface. My shoes slumped into its soaked interior. As I stepped out of the mess, people muttered about.

“A prodigy” Said one. Others shook their heads in response to his statement. They all clearly realized my differentiated being.

In the far corner of the room I could hear people muttering things under their breath.

Was it my eyes? I checked.

Possibly, there no other way they could recognize that I was a prodigy, save for a tattoo that was just visible on my neck.

After ignoring the comments, I stepped out of the soaked mess, flustered from the annoyance of grime. Trails of droplets followed my steps towards a leather stool just in front of the wooden counter.

Cutlery and napkins were laid out in perfectly symmetry upon its surface. I began fingering one of them, whilst looking down in deep thought. I couldn’t get the lack of identity or purpose out of my mind. All in all, it was quite a depressing realization.

I sighed to the disbelief.

That is when an elderly lady came, somewhere in her early forties. She looked very appealing; wearing a neatly worn uniform, coloured black and white, commingled with thin long work pants. Both of which were equally fashioned by her polished shoes.

“Would you like anything to drink?” She asked pleasantly.

“Coffee will be fine” I replied smiling. That was really all I had the money for.

“Definitely” she responded.

She took a few moments and came back with a pot of steaming fresh coffee. Clearly just set upon the kettle. After pouring a quick glass she once again looked at my curiously, I assumed she was beginning to suspect what everyone else was.

“Would you happen to know what else you would like?” She asked generously, staring into my eyes in the process.

I chuckled and blinked heavily, she definitely suspected.

“No that will be fine” I said smiling, seemingly pleased. I turned my head away in the process, attempting to hide my eyes. They always shun with a potent glow, and if I powered up or was angered they would increase in potency.

“No problem, you just let me know if you wish to order anything” She finished with a smirk before turning around and making way towards other hungry customers. Her respect and patronage towards my difference was much appreciated.

I wrapped my hands around the cup as if to warm them. My hair continued to dribble remnants of rain on to wooden counter. However I could only find my troubled mind focusing solely on its priority.

That is when the door opened and in walked a girl whom I keenly looked at. She walked abruptly and sat on the chair next to me. She too was approached by the generous and well-mannered waitress, surprisingly she also only asked for a coffee as well.

She glanced in my direction several times between our lengthy periodical sips. She didn’t say anything, but she kept looking at me in an uncanny way. Regardless, I continued to focus on my drink, heeding not her attempts for communication. Association of such in regards to her prodigy status could possibly lead to trouble.

Brief and awkward moments followed but that is when a sudden noise came about. I glanced upwards in front of me and saw a news station currently broadcasting a live interview.

“Hmmm, this should be interesting” I said aloud as I read the slogan of the title. It read ‘Social Sufferance Regarding Prodigy & Human Co-Existence’

The broadcaster was well fashioned with neatly gelled hair, and he wore a deep blue tuxedo to match his equally formal shoes. He was interviewing another man, clearly one whom was equally well dressed. The interviewee spoke with curiosity and intent; he was seemingly a witness for some account.

I stared upwards and continued listening.

“Brendan? I believe” Asked the enquirer, extending his hand in a friendly gesture.

“Yes?” Brendan replied. A quick titter echoed in the crowd.

“You say you have witnessed, first hand, the ferocity and destruction these prodigies are capable of” Asked the interviewer.

“Yes, there is no question that these are beings of a different nature, whether they’re from outer-space or possibly some unknown area on Earth, such as Antarctica, remains to be seen. However, we can solidify that they are indeed powerful and dangerous!” He exclaimed.

“Dangerous in what way?” Asked the interviewee, he gestured interest.

“Well firstly, we have numerous accounts from civilians and law enforcement across the globe that evidently proves their execrable means. Militaries, have even reported coming into conflict with these beings” Exasperatedly explained Brendan.

“That may be so, but if my people were being hunted or denied the social acceptance through law that we’re all entitled to, I’m sure I would retaliate myself” Responded the interviewer.

“True, but this is not their land, nor is this their planet. We have built a working monetary system that is now an establishment without fault, so in theory what if we do allow them to share our rights as people? How will this affect the establishment? What if more of their kind shows up in the distant future? What then?” Brendan asked in increasing gossip.

“Well, in all fairness Brendan they have not provoked a global war or fought for or asked for social rights equal to us as human beings. It hasn’t happened in these last four years so why should we continue to worry about conflict?”

“Well, yes, their intentions remain to be seen but we do not have knowledge that substantiates a claim regarding their diplomacy with humans” He paused for a second and began ruffling through a large black brief case, cluttered with paper. He picked one sheet and studied it heavily before proceeding.

“It is stated by eye witnesses of the public, law enforcement and militaries alike that sightings have occurred in Canada, The United States of America, Brazil and even as far as Russia. It has also been documented from each country that violence has occurred within their borders in regards to the prodigy and human calamities. Whether every individual prodigy was purposely fighting law enforcement it matters not. These are clearly vigilantes trying in some way to prove that they are above the law and do not seek to abide by it. Now the question is, ‘what do we do about it’?” He explained with a pointed finger.

The news reporter responded thusly.

“If I may, you argue that their only intentions are problematic for society, and that they do not fit in with the jurisdictions their individually each apart of. Well… evidence is crucial to make such claims so if I may, where is it?” He seemingly spoke for our behalf, an objection of which the crowd went silent towards.

I sighed deeply, detesting their gossip and misunderstandings. The girl beside me noticed my reaction and quickly glanced over again. This time her stare was a little longer. I peeked to the corner of my eye and she quickly looked towards the television again.

The witness continued the conversation. “Well… rather than explain perhaps I can show you?” The interviewee asked, extending his arm towards a large widescreen T.V sitting between them.

“Yes that’s fine. If I may, what is it you wish to show me and our viewers?” Asked the enquirer.

“It is an actual video recording that depicts the ferocity these beings are capable of. Please bear in mind that the footage you’re about to see is a few years old” He explained as he waved the camera over to focus on the screen.

“I mind you and our viewers that it is quite graphic” He warned just before pressing play on a DVD player that was placed below the T.V.

At that moment several drunken slurs and threats were spoken towards me and the girl. They were irritably said by a large group of men over in the far corner of the restaurant.

I quickly glanced in the direction of the men and noticed they were all drinking quite heavily. In the same retrospect I glanced towards the girl sitting next to me, I gave her a quick nod of my head, reassuring her that everything would be fine. I turned my attention back towards the television.

The news room lights went out and a video came unto the T.V, the audio was loud and filled with muffled voices in a state of chaos and bewilderment. It was at this point that everybody in the Café looked onwards. All the chatter between the people that populated the restaurant suddenly stopped. I drew my head upwards, focusing attentively on the recording.

Quick jagged shots of Afghanistan came into focus. Explosions and fleeting people could be seen scrambling in all directions on the screen. The camera was very shaking, clearly taken by the hands of an amateur. It swept and curved in every direction before it focused on the explosions in the far distance. Voices of a different language could be heard with growing intensity. They continued to muffle the same words over and over. Gunshots and screams echoed throughout the vicinity of the area.

Suddenly there came a figure, a being who was seemingly human was in confrontation with the military forces of whatever country the video was recorded in. It walked towards them as almost a figure of un-touchable force. Numerous bullets were being fired upon it but it was seemingly unaffected. It than exalted a great scream.

There came large balls of seeming energy from his hands, and an aura dimming and brightening, surrounded his exterior. He exhibited incredible power and retaliated with an energy wave, shot outwards from his hands. The vigour of the energy destroyed several police vehicles in front of him.

The screaming was muffled from the many explosions happening about. People seemingly darted in every direction as the military began to try an attack. Their attempt was in vein, for the prodigy was teleporting at such a rate their bullets were useless. Each soldier was quickly disarmed and tossed about. Than the great being turned towards the camera holder, whom began to run in the opposite direction.

Everything turned black.

Slowly, the recording ceased to play and began fading back to the news station that was aired previously.

Something about this interview sickened my stomach; my emotions were akin to disgust. Reason being was the picture they were trying to paint regarding the prodigies. Something so dark and misleading, I could only wonder how somebody would do this. But the viewers wouldn’t recognize this! Violence was the only teaching that seemed to be presented from this station.

“Turn it off” My tone hinted anger.

“I’m sorry but I think everybody is interested in this report” Replied the waitress, somewhat sympathetic but obviously quite reluctant at the same time.

Quick shouts of exasperation echoed from the back of the café.

I glanced at her with a cold gaze as I slightly increased the glow of my irises.

“Turn it off”

She immediately glanced around the room with bothered eyes. There was silence, until she reached for the remote and turned the television off. People in the back of the room broke into exasperation, and at that moment the men in the far corner got up and began making way towards me, I could sense their bitter motivations.

I breathed a long and bellowed sigh. Then I turned my attention to the girl sitting next to me, she was staring back at me with widened eyes, seemingly worried about their intentions.

I knew she could sense it too.

“Hey buddy, do you mind?” Said one of the four, whom shoved my shoulder in challenge. He brought himself closer to me while the other three encircled me and began muttering things to one another.

“This guy must be off the streets, look at these clothes!” Said one as he fingered my clothing.

“No doubt, the kids a prodigy too” Said another.

“What more could you expect from one. Shit, they don’t even have homes” He added.

I was actually afraid of a possible confrontation, because their misfortunate attempts to quarrel with someone to dangerous left me victim to their arrogance. In a mere second I could have their faces on the floor, rubbing against the dirt as they so much resembled.

That is when the girl made an untimely move, asking the inebriated group to simply leave me alone. I quickly peered over in her direction. I saw some courage but at the same time, I saw tenderness.

Fear danced in her eyes.

The men were rather ignorant to her plead and clearly to inebriated to concur with it. Instead they turned their attention towards her and with that I saw her eyes widened, she quickly looked at the counter in intimidation.

Those around us lapsed into discomfort and silently continued what they were originally doing, trying to bear no attention to what was happening in front of their eyes. Even the waitress went to the back of her work station to avoid dissolving what was happening inside her own store.

I merely shook my head to everybody’s coward-ness and to the fact I would have to step in.

“What do you have to say woman?” Shouted the one whom had the sheer insolence to place

his hands on me.

“I’m simply asking you to stop and leave him alone…” Her voice trailed off as she kept

speaking, seemingly, towards the counter.

The group of men began walking towards her.

At that particular moment, I couldn’t supress my anger anymore. It wasn’t simply from the passing events but everything in general, intermingled with the stupidity of some people. I could feel my anger increasing significantly but I managed to control it.

“Enough!” I shouted exasperatedly as I slammed my cup down and rose to a standing

Posture.

From a faint glimpse of my peripherals I could see her staring at me, not just me but a very revealing part of myself, my eyes. My very pupils began strengthening in their coloured potency.

The four men stopped hastily and quickly studied my profound difference from the subtle homeless man to one of the prodigies so greatly feared on this planet.

I immediately stepped towards the one whom started the whole scenario, namely the one whom put his hands on me not even five minutes prior. He took a step back from my challenge, fear seemingly over-came him.

The remaining three of his group retreated out the door, but he seemingly couldn’t let this lesson be the end of it.

Suddenly, he threw a punch at my face, but I didn’t attempt to stop it at all. With that, I heard his hand break upon meeting the durability of my body. He immediately grabbed his hand in pain and began cussing me. I simply laughed to his reaction.

Having not strained a single breath, or moved but a muscle, I took a moment to study those around me. Their faces were all in shock as the man kept grumbling before my feet.

That is when I blotted everything else out and turned back to my coffee. I leaned upon the counter and grabbed the cups handle, and began finishing its tasty remnants.

“You’re… you’re one of them” She spoke to me. However I was barely listening to her and was more focused on my priorities.

“Yes, and if you don’t mind, please leave me alone” I replied as I gave a quick study of the waitress. She was on the phone and seemingly calling the police.

I was all too familiar with the coward-ness of humans.

“I know what you are” She spoke into my ear as she brought herself close to me.

That is when I turned towards her.

“Look…” I began, but my voice trailed off when I glanced into her face.

She smiled at me, but it wasn’t just that.

It was her eyes.

She was a prodigy!

That was when she immediately made way for the door, she pushed it open and walked out.

“Hey!” I shouted as I pursued her, but I stopped a few feet before realizing I had not paid for my coffee.

I turned back quickly and threw down whatever change I had and immediately ran after her.

I left the gossip of the people behind but kept the waitresses phone call in mind. The police were, perhaps, on their way. Whatever business I had with this girl would have to be quick, but I was far too interested to leave this opportunity to converse un-filled.

After shoving the door open, once again, the door chimed and I saw her in my peripherals. She was walking on the side-walk to the left, and was already a ways down.

Once again, I ran after her in attempt keep her pace in tune with mine.

“Hey!” I shouted up to her whilst queerly looking above. I noticed that the rain slowed to some degree, but it was still pouring quite heavily.

Upon hearing my shout for her attention she turned around. When my eyes finally looked over her with some time to study her appearance, I found myself nearly at a loss for words. For a brief moment I simply stood and stared at her in mesmerisation.

From my study of her appearance I could deduce that her hair was as equally ill-mannered as my own. It shun a dazzling black under the towering light poles, yet it was filled with knots and dirt, a tangled mess. The girl’s facial structure was appealing in all regards, her cheek-bones, though slim, were akin to her lips and nose. Both of which were equally beautified from her eyes, they were large and curious, and not only that, but they shun a consistent greenish hue; a traditional mark of the prodigy lineage. Her eye-liner however seemed a little messy, as though she quickly put it on in the morning in a hurry.

“Yes? Can I help you?” She asked playfully.

She knew why I suddenly rushed up to get to get her attention, but she pretended to be quite dubious to my arrival.

“Who are you? What’s your name?” I asked in a hasty fashion, realizing that she appeared to be as charitable as ever.

“What’s the importance of my name?” She asked me.

“I’m curious because I saw you’re eyes, merely because only prodigies have those kinds of eyes” I responded, adding I said. “And given the events that have transpired, I think the police will be looking for us, don’t you think?”

“For you, not me”

“Is that so?”

“… Yes!”

She was correct, but in all honesty, I didn’t really care. With that, I turned my back on her and begun walking towards my baggage. It was located across the street under the bridges arch. I walked across without taking heed of the oncoming traffic.

Upon reaching the bitter location that I now called home, I turned about and saw her eyes fixated attentively on the dark arc underlying the bridge. She curiously examined my belongings, those of which were all stashed in plastic garbage bags and laid out atop one another.

“Is that you’re stuff over there?” She asked anxiously as she nodded towards the location of the arch.

“Yes they belong to me, why?” I asked concerned about her interest. As I did she looked into my eyes and quaintly witnessed the color amid my irises fluctuate a strong greenish color.

“I didn’t mean any disrespect; I’m just a little concerned that’s all. Prodigies don’t usually take to the streets as individuals” She replied. Adding she said, “They usually group together with others like themselves, and here I see you living in circumstances so... heart-breaking”

“Its fine and no that’s not how all prodigies live, take me for example!” I responded with half my attention focused on the girl and the other half on my baggage. Reason being was that I was worried that the passing storm had dampened all my clothes or ruined my remaining food.

“Yes, there are some that take to the streets. But, doesn’t that bother you? A warm bed to sleep in and a bite to every day isn’t too much to ask from you’re fellow kindred is it?” She asked with a bit more seriousness in tone.

“Through the last four years I’ve grown accustomed to life on the streets… frankly, it doesn’t bother me too much” I replied with a quick gesture of re-assurance.

“Too much…?”

“Well! I suppose it does a little, but things could always be worse. Speaking of that, what’s your situation like?” I asked her curiously as I began ruffling through the garbage bags.

“It’s good; I have a house and a job. It was… pretty difficult to get that working in four years, I will admit that. But all in all, I’m able to get by pretending that I’m human” She replied as she quaintly tried helping me gather my things together.

“Do you have a name?” I asked slouched over the top of my bag. I found that everything was indeed wet, and this didn’t help the matters unfolding.

“Yes I do. Aaliyah!” She said happily.

I took a moment’s pause merely because she was a prodigy and that none of us were born with names.

“Where did you get that name?” I asked her with more interest.

“Well…I thought a lot about that and went through a bunch of different sources, but after I heard a song that I really liked I found out the artist’s name and that’s the one that I like the most”

“Aaliyah!” She added.

Her enthusiasm made me chuckle momentarily. I found it awkward that a prodigy would be so happy amid everything else transpiring in the world.

“And yourself?” She asked me, gesturing my response with her hand.

“Yes, I do have a name. It’s Jayko” I responded.

“That’s an interesting name, where did you get it from?”

“Err…” This girl had a mentality to converse and I could already feel myself getting nervous. Reason being is that I never really associated with anomalies.

She looked at me with a sarcastic expression of expectation.

“From a friend” I finally mustered.

“Hmm…” She said in response, as her voice trailed off.

A few moments of awkwardness passed until I finally rose to my feet. I deduced that three of the four bags were ruined, namely the food, and simply grabbed my main back-pack and slung it over my shoulder.

“Well, it was nice to meet you Aaliyah, but I think I’d best be on my way now” I gave her the friendliest smile I could muster, but I could tell she wasn’t buying it. Abruptly she intervened.

“Where are you going?” She asked with seeming puzzlement.

“I’m not sure”

“Well… seeing as how the police are looking for you, would you consider a place to sleep? Perhaps until you figure things out?” She asked kindly.

Her offer was very kind and very tempting, but I wasn’t entirely sure. Her beauty didn’t help matters either.

“No”

“Well then, are you sure?”

“Err, no”

She looked at me with a puzzled look.

I glanced back towards the dark arch of the bridge. The rain poured heavily amidst us and seemingly blanketed the view of the darkness in such a way; I felt a sense of bitterness. The fire in front of the arch kindled as its last remnants burned to no means.

“If you want to you may. It might help erase some troubles off your mind” She spoke as she wrote something on to a piece of paper.

She handed it to me and I didn’t take a moment’s pause to look at it. It was her home address.

“If you want to come stay for a few nights feel welcomed! I’ll see you around!” She said before turning around with a smirk that all too well hinted flirty-ness.

Periodically I suspired while looking unto my surroundings; nothing but empty roads and a passing storm. Details of such that only added to my immoderate state. I’ve walked streets similar to these for such a long time that I feel as though I wouldn’t know who I was in the event I did find out. Perhaps differentiating my circumstances would be beneficial in some sense.

“Aaliyah! Wait!” I shouted upwards as I began running towards her. She noticed my call and turned around smiling.

“Yes?” She asked as playful as before.

I smirked.

“So you’ve decided to come after all?” She asked.

“Sure… why not? How far is it?” I asked intently while looking upon my surroundings. Deep in the far reaches of the city police sirens echoed an ensuing statement, trouble.

She looked in the direction of the sirens as well. Concern overcame here face in a mere second.

“Not far, it’s only a bus ride away. But we should get moving now” She replied as she quickly grabbed a few of my belongings.


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Mon Feb 10, 2014 11:34 pm
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Magenta wrote a review...



Hello there!

This is Magenta here to write you a quick review. Firstly, I see that you've just joined YWS on February 7. Good job! I'm glad to see one more person on this website who can write us some interesting stories. Welcome to the society. ;) I'm suer that you will like it here and I offer you my assistance if you ever need some, though it looks like you're already enjoying yourself. You've done some reviews and submitted some things. And don't worry about reviews. When I submitted my first work, it felt like everyone was ignoring it, but then a couple days later I had several comments and reviews. I think that this is perfectly fine in length and I am glad to write a review for you. So, I shall proceed with my reviewing?

"THE PLUMMETING rain run along the tips of my hair, each drop liquefying over the contours of my face. They dropped off the bottom of my bellowed chin, which was slumped from the heavy burden of thought. My consciousness was focused attentively on my search, one with seemingly no direction. Regardless I continued to search through various cities archives and libraries with hopes of sparking a flare of memory to recall my forgotten past."

I see that these first words are capitalized deliberately so that it is written like a published book. Am I right? Though, what I just wanted to point out to you was the fourth word in the sentence,run. I think that this should be "ran" because you seem to be in the past. It's just something small that I noticed. No biggie. Just another note, "liquefying" I though was spelt as "liquifying". Or it might just be a word that can be spelt different ways. Either way, the rain can't quite liquify because it already is in the liquid state. I think that you could replace the word "bellowing" with something like "protruding" or "jutting" because I think they hold more of the meaning that you were going for. Bellowing means to emit a deep, loud roar or sound, which isn't quite what you need. Also, make sure that you place a comma after "regardless". I think that you are a very descriptive writer and you have a great ability with words.

"For my body was hindered and worn, all the while being restless with a sense of adrenaline coursing through my veins, reasons of which were obscure to me."
I like your vocabulary because it isn't difficult to understand, but it is perfect for what image you are trying to create. "A sense of adrenaline"? Maybe you could write "a flow of adrenaline" because you usually have adrenaline in your body, not really a sense of it, if you get what I mean.

"For at the time I had not experienced Earth before, and everything amidst me from flora to the rugged terrain and the lights in the distance all triggered interest, but less important than the intent to find out what had happened."

Place a comma right after "for at the time" so that your sentence is punctuated correctly. I would also suggest writing "but were less important" because I feel like "were" is missing there.

"A sudden shiver coursed through my body and I brought my hands over my opposing arms to warm them; my mind than lapsed back to that most mysterious day and how I came to where I was now."
I think that you might want a different word than "opposing" to describe the positions of your hands on your arms. Also, you have a commonly confused word in here which is "than". Than is only used when comparing things like "She was taller than him by a few feet". Here, it seems like you are referring to "then" as an adverb as referring to time.

"Concern overcame here face in a mere second." Reread this sentence again, perhaps? I think that "overcame her face" sounds a tad strange. Maybe you could right this a, "Her face suddenly twisted into an expression of concern." Im not sure, but you know what I mean.

"The screaming was muffled from the many explosions happening about." This last part could be changed a little. "Happening about"?

This is really a great chapter, though long, is it is filled with fascinating characters and a great plot that you've put out. Your characters are developed and you haas a great exposition filled with intense imagery. You don't have much to improve on besides a few commas and a word.
Other than these few things, I see that you have a very well developed story and I can see that you will go far. You are a great writer. Keep on writing! ;)

~ Magenta




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Fri Feb 07, 2014 10:51 pm
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ChildOfNowhere wrote a review...



Hey there!

First off, welcome to YWS. I do hope you'll enjoy your stay here, and don't worry, people will review your story ;) It sometimes takes time for people to notice it, or they're too busy to give it the attention it deserves. Patience is something one must learn, especially if wanting quality reviews and published works eventually. It's better to wait and then get a few in-depth, good reviews, than get a bunch of not really helpful one-liners in first ten minutes, isn't it?

Anyway, onto the review. I'll focus on the flow, atmosphere, characters and so on, giving less attention to possible grammar/spelling errors. That's something you can check for yourself, or use a spellchecker. The most glaringly obvious ones include writing words with unnecessary hyphens/dashes, though more concerning might be the switching of tenses at some points (where they do not mark the change from the past/flashback to present or alike). I suggest you to check that carefully, it's quite easy to miss.

I've read the whole chapter before reviewing, but I'll go paragraph by paragraph (for most part), adding in reactions I had while reading them.
May I ask, is this your last draft, how you want it to look like in the end, or rather first draft or some in between, and you expect to spend quite some time more working on it?

THE PLUMMETING rain run along the tips of my hair, each drop liquefying over the contours of my face. They dropped off the bottom of my bellowed chin, which was slumped from the heavy burden of thought. My consciousness was focused attentively on my search, one with seemingly no direction. Regardless I continued to search through various cities archives and libraries with hopes of sparking a flare of memory to recall my forgotten past.


Are the caps intentional? If so, I'm guessing it was in attempt of some onomatopoeic image, but I would suggest you get rid of them. Caps in writing are generally considered shouting, and they're not really very inviting, especially in the beginning.

Furthermore, "each drop liquefying over the contours of my face"? I get what you're saying here, but it's worded a bit strangely. Rain is a liquid; saying it liquefied is like saying the ice froze or, in your case, water turned into water. It doesn't really make all that much sense, does it?
Perhaps you could try something like "flowing down my face like thin rivers" or something like that. It's a fairly cliche and random example, but just to illustrate the point.

Homelessness had befallen me four years ago. I awoke on a road in Canada just outside the vicinity of Regina. I bore no clothes or assortments of any kind, akin to the knowledge in my mental capacity. The only reprisal I had for such a lack of cognition was a floundering fire in the distance. Fumes danced heavily abroad a hole in the ground. Just below those fumes I was able to deduce that some metallic object lay beneath. The sound of fire still hissed from its dancing flames. At the time, that was of no concern to me. For my body was hindered and worn, all the while being restless with a sense of adrenaline coursing through my veins, reasons of which were obscure to me.


How did your MC know where he was? Even if he had memories, it'd not be easy to tell where he was after randomly waking up on some road. He might somehow deduce he's on a road somewhere, obviously outside of a town or village since there's no houses or people around, but it'd take him a while to precisely place himself in Canada, vicinity of Regina.
Unless if he passed by that spot countless times before, and hence knew what it was at a glance, it doesn't really make sense that he can tell where he is. Of course, the fact you mention it doesn't mean he figured it out right away. He could've been told where he was as he walked into some bar all disoriented, or from a random person on the street, or by reading the headers of newspaper by the trash can. That works, but in that case it'd be nice if you added a simply "if I were to trust the pale letters on a page of newspaper which wind threw in my face" or something of the sort to the end of the sentence I put in bold above.

For at the time I had not experienced Earth before, and everything amidst me from flora to the rugged terrain and the lights in the distance all triggered interest, but less important than the intent to find out what had happened.
(...)
I saw a noticeable light in the distance. I wasn't sure how I distinguished it but I knew it had to be some sort of town.


Alright, so he's not human, he's never been to Earth before, and doesn't get why he knows anything that he knows. Sounds good, but especially then, it makes no real sense that he knew where exactly he was in the paragraph above ;) Unless he suddenly got some sort of amazing internal GPS telling him exactly where he is? It doesn't seem so, especially since he here speaks of what appears to be some sort of town. If he had the ability to tell his own exact location, he should be able to also tell which city is that.

When my arrival to the shady little town came, I noticed there was nobody awake, save for a certain clothing shop on the left.* I walked towards it and instinct kicked in. I blasted a hole through the window of the shop, and of course sirens began blaring at an alarming rate. Out of desperation, I grabbed a back-pack, food and some clothes inside of the store. With that, I immediately began running and found myself mystified by my seeming velocity. Within a few minutes of running down the road the town I was in mere minutes ago was already as far as the distant horizon.


Heh, alright. The first sentence here is a bit strange. Why not simply say "When I arrived..."? It appears to me that you're trying to keep to a specific voice here, and a rich style which is supposed to thoroughly present the "show, don't tell" rule and amaze the readers by how amazing language you're capable of using. That's generally fine, and can work out really well, but there comes a point when it feels overdone - and seeing as I haven't even gotten to the end of first chapter of what will once be (is already?) a full novel, the fact I'm mentioning this isn't a particularly good sign.
I like the way of writing you use here, but then I like it to be consistent and not seem forced.
For example, the sentences I put in italics are way more informally written, without so much regard to that "rich" style you seem to be creating here. The simplicity of the words used in them seems very strange, especially in compare to phrases such as mystified by my seeming velocity or already as far as the distant horizon, which are both very illustrious and heavy on that kind of language which makes an average reader want to carry a dictionary around along with your novel. There is nothing wrong in combining styles and writing some sentences more simply - au contraire, it is welcomed and helps the reader to understand the text better - but in that case, keep that consistent, and try not to have such drastic jumps from simply kicking the door to questioning one's mysterious velocity.

The * refers to the fact you basically said the shop was awake. Except if your MC sees it as a living person, which I don't think is the case, consider rewording.

For a moment I snapped back out of thought, upon realizing a man had dropped some coin in a jar for me. I hadn't accumulated much over the day, but it was enough for a warm coffee in the café just down the street.


Upon reading this part, I went back to the beginning and re-realised the part in between was in fact a flashback. Which is great, and I'm very fond of flashbacks mixing with the actual story, but I'd suggest putting those flashbacks in italics. They'd be noticed and followed more easily, plus the italics seem to provide a sense of mystery for the readers, so it can be good for more than one thing ;)

How many more are there of my mind?

A typo, I believe? c:

I saw you noted that "prodigy" isn't the right word, and it really isn't. I'm not too sure, but so far this seems to be happening in our time or slightly before, something like late 20th century. I believe people would then, if he looked very differently, call him an alien and freak out. If he looked human, but with some deformation or just ragged clothes and unwashed hair, they'd probably come up with something far more insulting than a prodigy, seeing as it basically marks someone talented beyond his or her years :p I understand it can also, to quote the dictionary, refer to "an amazing or unusual thing, esp. one out of the ordinary course of nature", but it isn't really used that way often, especially not in everyday speech and in the kind of situation you describe.

That is when an elderly lady came, somewhere in her early forties.


xD I doubt you could really call a woman in her early forties elderly. Yes, it refers to someone older than the protagonist, but that word creates an image of a person at least in their sixties or so. This woman isn't even 45; she's probably too young to be the MC's mother, let alone anything further. Consider just dropping that word, as it doesn't really seem necessary anyway.

Without quoting for a while, I found the news report and the way people treated him and the girl quite interesting. So these prodigies, as you called them, aren't completely unknown to humans, but are completely mysterious and misunderstood. How comes the humans aren't hunting them, then, to make tests and see what the heck these beings are, why are they so different and what do they want?
While speaking about them, you mention the tattoo and that there was something in their eyes, but other than that we don't really know what they look like. I would really like to know more about the appearance of your character here. Perhaps you could add a short scene in which he observes his expression or something alike, or compares himself to a human? It doesn't have to be long or an info-dump, but it would certainly help your readers connect with him better.

You do mention what she looks like, and that they more or less share appearance, and that serves this purpose.. though it would still be nice to catch a glimpse of his looks earlier in the story c:

Quick jagged shots of Afghanistan came into focus.
(...)
Suddenly there came a figure, a being who was seemingly human was in confrontation with the military forces of whatever country the video was recorded in.


Um.. you just said it was Afghanistan, no?

With this, I'm done with the quoting. The only other thing I noticed is that you quite often use expressions such as "a certain store", "that particular cafe" and of the like, which comes off slightly odd at moments. Also, the sentences "Reason being is that ..." are both grammatically incorrect and unnecessary, really. For most of his actions, readers can see reasons from the way he acts and thinks, even if you don't mention them, and it's sometimes good to let the readers assume and guess some things. Feel free to leave explanations of this sort out.

All in all, I do think this was a very good chapter. You seem to have a well thought of premise, and seem to know where you're heading with the plot, which is good. The characterisation isn't lacking, and I'm quite fond of his way of seeing and commenting the world around. What I'd like to see is maybe more of his thoughts, written in present tense as if he's thinking them while observing something, just at the moment as the reader sees it though his eyes. You do have it, but written in fairly complicated sentences which come across less as thoughts and more as explanations put there only for those readers who are able to even understand both the words used and the casual criticism of society behind them (which I compliment you for, by the way). Also, this way of writing, with telling so many things, is fairly narrative and many might find it bordering with boring after a while, and you don't want that. It's a very nice way of writing, which flows in its own way (apart from some mistakes and overly decorated sentences weighted with huge adjectives no one really uses in everyday thoughts, let alone speech), but it might do it good to occasionally cut it with thoughts which randomly fly through the character's head, in the form they do so. Making your character relatable is a very important thing, and this helps achieving it.
I liked the potential darkness behind these "prodigies", and the way your MC fights it because he doesn't really want to hurt people. I also found the detail when he returns to pay for coffee quite cute. I don't think any human would do that, especially if the owner of the cafe was calling the police to arrest him and that money was all he had.
Your story flew well, it wasn't hard to keep track of and, once one gets used to the technique and the language which I might call somewhat eccentric, it is a really enjoyable read. Not the kind one would want to take to the beach (though I think I would), but I doubt that was your intention anyway, and I salute that. I do hope you keep consistent in the next chapters, though, and that this kind of writing comes natural to you, otherwise it could very soon lose its charm and that would really be a shame.

The one last thing I have to say is that this chapter is in no way too long for a novel; however, I do have to give you a heads-up about posting your next chapters, because it really is easier for people to review them if they're shorter. I understand that means spending more points to post them, but you can easily earn points about reviewing other people's works - it's as important to the rest of us to get reviews as it is to you, after all ;) If you really really really don't want to cut your chapters in two halves and post them like that (that's something I can also understand, I don't like chopping my chapters either), and have already written bigger part of your novel, you can try posting it in the Novel Workshop in the Forums. That, however, doesn't guarantee you'd get as many reviews, and certainly not in very short time, but it might be worth a shot.

Good luck with your novel, and don't forget that patience matters c:
Feel free to let me know if you need anything, have any questions or need some kind of help~

Aria




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Fri Feb 07, 2014 5:24 pm
t0sh says...



If your not interested in reading it than don't read it. Lol, it says it's apart of a novel, of course it's going to be long.




Panikos says...


It's just friendly advice, mate. You'll be hard pushed to find someone willing to review your work if it takes ages to read. I'd be happy to do one if it wasn't so long.
I've had to slice up my chapters in the past - so have lots of people. It's not an insult to your writing.


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t0sh says...


Well than review half, take a week, and review the other half. Simple as that.



Panikos says...


I'm just saying that people are going to feel put off. Jeez.


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t0sh says...


I've heard all the same before on many other sites. However you can't call yourself a true reader unless you enjoy reading lots.



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Fri Feb 07, 2014 5:18 pm
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Panikos says...



Crikey! I'm not here to review but I'd seriously suggest that you split this chapter up into two parts, because it'll take a long time for a reviewer to plough through! :)





I was promis'd on a time, To have a reason for my rhyme: From that time unto this season, I receiv'd nor rhyme nor reason.
— Edmund Spenser