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Freedom

by Burntshadow


Then all at once;
Wind came down from the valleys,
Sun came down from the meadows,

And all at once
The fish dove down,
The eagles soared!

And all at once
Freedom reigned
For when
Liberty
Reigns in our heart
Freedom, our lady fair
Shall surely find us.


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16 Reviews


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Sun Jan 26, 2014 10:38 am
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SWOPNIL wrote a review...



Hi there! Happy review day to you.
The title is very pleasing and so is the content. Which human heart won't be appealed by the very essence of freedom? The use of nature-related imagery further adds up the soothing effect. It serves as a remarkable connotation to liberty- free like nature!

However, the repetition of "And all at once" does not work well for me. I wouldn't call it annoying but I felt that it is a bit overused. And if I were to take it literally, it wouldn't make much sense either- Liberty is not achieved "all at once" rather it hinges on a gradual struggle of generations. Apologies, I think I got rather carried away here.

This poem starts as:

Then all at once
Wind came down from the valleys
Sun came down from the meadows


Now, I have mixed feeling about starting a literary work with "Then". I don't think everyone will like it- it leaves a lot of imagination on behalf of the reader. But I personally don't have any problem with that. Also the repetition of "reign" (used twice in the same stanza) could do better with any other substitute. I have to say, rest of the word choice is brilliant.

This bit really touched me:
For when
Liberty
Reigns in our heart
Freedom, our lady fair
Shall surely find us.


Great work! Keep writing. Take Care.

SWOPNIL
Cobalt Critiquers




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9 Reviews


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Sun Jan 26, 2014 2:04 am
kat13254 wrote a review...



Really beautiful poem! I love it, a couple things though. One. It's short, Two. There doesn't have to be capitalization every line. I love the message of the story and everything about it. Three. There isn't any punctuation. Also, my favorite line which also meant the most to me was the opening line. "Then all at once
Wind came down from the valleys
Sun came down from the meadows"
I know this review isn't much but there isn't much I can say. So, once again, I love the poem!




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35 Reviews


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Sun Jan 26, 2014 12:34 am
Nica wrote a review...



Absolutely Beautiful! Hi, victorianbeauty here for a review, my first of Review Day! This is a very inspirational poem that would truly appeal to the staunch American heart! One small thing that I would change is this:

"For when
Liberty
Reigns our hearts
Freedom, our lady fair
Shall surely find us."

I would change the 3rd line to, "Reigns in our heart." It's better English.

Another thing is that it isn't exactly proper grammar to start a sentence or poem with the word 'and'. Technically, it's an article and isn't supposed to be used to start a sentence.

All in all, I think that it is a very good poem that is spiritual and shows an independent heart. Always love to see that :) Keep up the good work!




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Sun Jan 26, 2014 12:19 am
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niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there Burntshadow! Nite here to review for the Cobalt Critiquers this fine Review Day!

Now, I think you start out with some pretty imagery, but when I look at the first stanza again, it's a little weird. Wind can't come down from (already low) valleys, nor does sun come from meadows. I'd also consider using more powerful verbs than "came". Perhaps the wind rushes down into the valleys and sunlight spreads across the meadows.

Second stanza nitpick: The fish dove down. Otherwise I think this also has some pretty imagery.

The third stanza is the weakest, in my opinion. Words like "liberty" and "freedom" are abstractions, which means they don't have a concrete meaning. This makes them weak word choices for poetry since readers connect better to imagery. There is an attempt at metaphor with "Freedom, our lady fair", but it's a bit overdone ("Lady Liberty" and all that), so it needs a bit more. You might play with this more by showing us how you envision this lady. For example: Is she wearing a little black dress or a ratty T-shirt? Seeing how you picture this figure would give the metaphor a unique twist.

I also think there should be a stronger bridge between the nature imagery and the idea of liberty/freedom. Why do those images convey freedom to you? Perhaps this "Lady freedom" character could interact with nature.

Overall, there's some nice imagery in here, but the connection between the images could be stronger. Keep writing! :)




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Sun Jan 26, 2014 12:10 am
Wisteria wrote a review...



Hello, Shadow, Subtle here for a review! This is. Really lovely poem. It put a unique little twist on the IDE of freedom and what it represented. The stanzas worked effectively, conveying what you want to the readers. The language here, though simple was sufficient enough to depict a clear image of the valleys with soft meadows, the gliding grace of the eagles and how the fishes dove down. I like the last stanza too, it summed up the poem nicely. So, content-wise,it is perfect. I have no nitpicks, the idea itself is wonderful.

The only technical nitpick I had is that try not to start your poem with And, I know this is a poem but on grammatical terms. Try not to start a poem with 'And'.

Instead, perhaps just try starting it with 'All at once'. Some might found the repetition of 'all at once' repetitive, but I think it was nicely used here. As it emphasized the unanimously of the action.

Overall, wonderful poem with a wonderful message! Keep up the good work!





The ink in which our lives are inscribed is indelible.
— Helena 'HG' Wells, Warehouse 13