Young Writers Society

Fantasy. I can spend hours living in one of my fantasy worlds, reading fantasy novels and even writing my own. It is therefore that I can think of nothing more fitting for my first contribution to this society than to review a fellow fantasy author's work.


Firstly, the well-loved grammar and spellng rules:

1. "Her red-brown hair swished behind her, smooth as a fox’s tail, and just as fine. But Dianne was not feeling as fine as her outward appearance made her seem."
- 'But' should only ever be used to begin a sentence if the purpose is to create a dramatic pause and to emphasise the meaning of that particular sentence. Often, said sentence appears in a paragraph of its own.
- "Her red-brown hair swished behind her, smooth as a fox’s tail, and just as fine, but Dianne was not feeling as fine as her outward appearance made her seem."

2. "Amazing that she could get lost in her own hometown. Not only that, but on the way home!"
- These are sentence fragments. Consider 'de-fragmenting' them.
- "It was amazing that she could get lost in her own hometown, and not only that, but on the way home!" OR "That she could get lost in her own hometown - even on the way home! - was amazing."

3. "A second carriage rattled passed before Dianne strode purposefully across the street."
- Words such as 'passed' and 'past' are easily confused. It is therefore the responsibilty of the writer to know the distinction between the two.
- "A second carriage rattled past before Dianne strode purposefully across the street." OR "A second carriage passed Dianne before she strode purposefully across the street."

4. "Wonderful luck she had, getting lost while a wizard threatened her little brother at home."
- Another sentence fragment.
- "What wonderful luck she had, getting lost while a wizard threatened her little brother at home."

5. "But soon enough, Dianne’s gaze wandered onto the passersby."
- Another case of beginning a sentence with 'But' in inappropirate circumstances.
- "Soon enough, Dianne's gaze wandered onto the passersby."

6. " “You’ll have me murdered, hm?” a voice echoed behind her. "
- spelling error
- " “You’ll have me murdered, hmm?” a voice echoed behind her. "

7. " "You Sir, do not appear to be dumb.” "
- incorrect punctuation: Whenever another character is addressed, the address must be placed between commas.
- " "You, Sir, do not appear to be dumb.” "

8. "His black hair managed to actually shine in the low light of Braxton’s ridiculously large study."
- incorrect word order
- "His black hair actually managed to shine in the low light of Braxton’s ridiculously large study."

9. " “Navigation was the only thing she ever had difficulty with.” "
- Even though it sounds better, it is incorrect to end a sentence with a preposition. However, in the event of informal direct speech it is acceptable; not with formal speech.
- " “Navigation was the only thing with which she ever had difficulty.” "

10. "The contrast between pastel flowers and dark forest joined perfectly with fluffy white clouds that breezed through a pure blue sky. But he wasn’t here to admire the gardens."
- This actually IS an example of where it is acceptable to begin a sentence with 'But' - I simply wished to congratulate you for it.

11. " “For all we know, one of them may be here,” the Baron chuckled, “If our daughter turns up, fast asleep in a bed of poppies, we’ll contact you immediately.” "
- incorrect punctuation: Whenever two sentences, consisting of direct speech, are used but are seperated by a narrative and the first sentence is concluded, the narrative ends with a full stop.
- " “For all we know, one of them may be here,” the Baron chuckled. “If our daughter turns up, fast asleep in a bed of poppies, we’ll contact you immediately.” "


Secondly, the just as well-loved, but more complicated, style rules:

1. "This route was supposed to be the one thing she could get right in terms of direction."
- I encounter this mistake quite a lot: Whenever one is writing in the third person, two things must be remembered: Firstly, the narrative of a story in third person is written in the past tense, and secondly, one must ensure that the narrative remains in the past tense. Thus, I suggest replacing words like 'this', 'today' and 'now' with 'that', 'that day' and 'these'.
- "That route was supposed to be the one thing she could get right in terms of direction."

2. "Wonderful luck she had, getting lost while a wizard threatened her little brother at home."
- This sentence is ambiguous. Is both the wizard and Dianne's little brother at her home, where the wizard is threatening him, or has the wizard threatened her little brother, who just happens to be home at present? Consider the following: The man shot the lion in his pajamas. Though one can make assumptions, the exact meaning of the given sentence is obscure. Hence, avoiding ambiguity is advised. (You'll see in the correction below, I use the sentence I suggested in the grammatical part of this review.)
- "What wonderful luck she had, getting lost while a wizard had threatened her little brother, who was presently at home."

3. "Science was so much better, and never cursed people or their families."
- If 'wizards' were referred to and not 'magic', 'scientists' should be reffered to and not 'science'.
- "Scientists were so much better, and never cursed people or their families."

4. "A small, frail lady with a little black terrier strolled poshly in pastel purple..."
- Another textbook case of ambiguity.
- "A small, frail lady in pastel purple strolled poshly with a little black terrier..."

5. "And of course it was at this moment that she realized again how lost she was."
- I fail to see how this sentence is relevant to the previous paragraph. (Also, if this were not a mistake, the presense of 'this' would be, as stated and explained in number one of this section.)
- "She once again realized how lost she was."

6. "Frustrated, Dianne thrust her face to the sky and shouted, “Gah! Stupid wizard, are you trying to keep me from getting to my brother? Just you wait, man! I’ll have you murdered before you hurt him!” "
- incorrect verb usage: One cannot thrust one's face, and if you have someone officially killed, and not in secret, you have them executed.
- "Frustrated, Dianne looked up to the sky and shouted, “Gah! Stupid wizard, are you trying to keep me from getting to my brother? Just you wait, man! I’ll have you executed before you hurt him!” "

7. " “You’ll have me murdered, hm?” a voice echoed behind her. It was close, and Dianne could feel air rush past her ears. "
- incorrect verb usage: See the above-mentioned for the explanation on killing; if a voice is close, it cannot possibly echo; and wind rushes past one's ears - if one feels the voice, it must be incredibly loud, which is why it's more likely to feel someone's breath on one's ears.
- " “You’ll have me executed, hmm?” a voice asked behind her. It was close, and Dianne could feel the breath against her ears. "

8. "Though grey, he obviously had a great deal of hair underneath his bowler hat."
- ambiguity: Is the man grey, or his hair?
- "Though it was grey, the man obviously had a great deal of hair underneath his bowler hat."

9. " “Not you,” Dianne retorted, jutting out her chin, “A dumb wizard who has threatened to put me to sleep and turn my brother into a fox." "
- incorrect capitalisation: Whenever two sentences, consisting of direct speech, are used but are seperated by a narrative and the first sentence is not concluded, the sentence after the narrative does not begin with a capitalised word.
- " “Not you,” Dianne retorted, jutting out her chin, “a dumb wizard who has threatened to put me to sleep and turn my brother into a fox." "

10. " “I dare say that I am the one who threatened to curse your brother, Dear.” "
- incorrect capitalisation: Words such as 'sir' may be spelt with or without a capital letter, but words such as 'dear', 'dearie', 'darling', 'friend' or 'mate' may only be spelt without capital letters, save for at the beginning of a sentence.
- " “I dare say that I am the one who threatened to curse your brother, dear.” "

11. "Not even the streetlamps glowed, nor did the stars shine."
- When I read through your work, up to that point there had been no indication that it was night.
- There is no suggestion here because the stated and implied time of day is contradictory.

12. "Her heartbeat thumped slowly in her chest, pounding like a ritardando at the end of a sonatina, thick and weary."
- I especially enjoyed this comparison, but, being a student of music, I must point out that not all sonatinas' codas are thick and weary. Some clarity would be appreciated here.
- "Her heartbeat thumped slower in her chest, pounding like a grave ritardando at the end of a sonatina, thick and weary."

13. "Dianne’s shoes clicked endlessly on the cobblestones... And then, the song ended altogether."
- This super-paragraph (it's a term I created which refers to a collection of paragraphs and seperated from others by an open line, asterisks or any other symbols) should, in my opinion, rather be a prologue than a part of the first chapter.
- I suggest publishing the first super-paragraph independently, as a prologue.

14. " "Not only that, but it’s about a young lady." "
- incorrect verb usage
- " "Not only that, but it’s a young lady." "

15. " “I was wondering, dear Brother, if you had any, ahem, quests concerning young maidens for me.” "
- Incorrect capitalisation is used, and I would suggest writing 'quests' in italics. (By the way, could anyone tell me how I implement such writing techniques such as bold, italics and underlining whilst writing on the internet? I see some of the other reviewers of this page has succeeded in it.)
- " “I was wondering, dear brother, if you had any, ahem, quests concerning young maidens for me.” "

16. " “Whatever you say, Dearest Brother,” Ferrell sang, “But remember that after Gordon’s engagement, father began passing all requests regarding women to the two of us.” "
- incorrect capitalisation
- " “Whatever you say, dearest brother,” Ferrell sang, “but remember that after Gordon’s engagement, Father began passing all requests regarding women to the two of us.” "

17. "In this room now was a gigantic, flowing, pink and yellow floral print that didn’t match the view outside, or the grandeur of the light fixtures at all."
- See the first comment in this section for an explanation.
- "In that room there was resultantly a gigantic, flowing, pink and yellow floral print that didn’t match the view outside, or the grandeur of the light fixtures, at all."

18. "People often spoke of Trador and its gardens. Supposedly they were equal in majesty to the royal gardens, but Braxton usually managed to avoid visiting."
- incorrect punctuation
- "People often spoke of Trador and its gardens: Supposedly they were equal in majesty to the royal gardens, but Braxton usually managed to avoid visiting."

19. " "Braxton stuttered to begin. “S-she was lost?" "
- The sentence structure is awkard and a reason needs to be provided if coherent reading is to be achieved.
- "Surprised, Braxton began stuttering, “S-she was lost?" "

20. " “I don’t know how he did the figures for it, but the flowers and paths fit together in some of the prettiest geometries I’ve seen." "
- Perhaps the description can be improved a little?
- " “I don’t know how he did the figures for it, but the flowers and paths fit together in some of the most beautiful geometric shapes I’ve seen." "

21. " "You ought to see it from the dining hall windows.” "
- redundancy
- " "You ought to see it from the dining hall.” "


Please, do not think me a criticising, pessimistic hater; I am a perfectionist. I can't help but point out a mistake someone made, not because I enjoy correcting people, but rather because I want their work to be as best as it possibly can be. I must stress, however, that it took me the better part of four hours to complete this review, so I'm begging you, do not ignore the corrections, but rather take them to heart.

Having gotten that out of the way, and I can congratulate you on an excellent piece of writing. The plot is intriguing, the characters believable and you have a writing style which some published authors could not even begin to challenge. Your vocabulary is well-balanced, not too complicated nor too simple, and based off what I have read so far, I am going to enjoy what's to come just as much, if not more.

I look forward to continue reading your story.

Timmy here for a review!

I read as I review, so I will point out my nitpicks first.

Nitpicks

Her red-brown hair swished behind her, smooth as a fox’s tail, and just as fine. ---I don't think that example works very well, really. I haven't ever felt a fox tail, but I can imagine its similar to a dog's tail, and they aren't that fine... Well, as fine as human hair, anyway.

Wonderful luck she had, getting lost while a wizard threatened her little brother at home. ---Awkward wording there... Perhaps this would work better? She had such wonderful luck, getting lost while a wizard threatened her little brother at home.

“I was wondering, dear Brother, if you had any, ahem, quests concerning young maidens for me.” ----This sentence is awkward as well... I think the best way would be to just word it in such a way that some of the commas are eliminated.

“Whatever you say, Dearest Brother, ----Usually Dearest Brother isn't capitalized

And whenever the spell was cast, Dianne, that is, our daughter, was probably lost somewhere.” ---Another sentence where the commas make the sentence awkward to read.

SPC Ulala reporting to make edits to your piece!

"But Dianne was not feeling..." Please don't ever start a sentence with "but". "Because" is only sometimes acceptable.

"Amazing that she could get lost in her own hometown." This is a sentence fragment.

"Not only that, but on the way home!" I would suggest revising this sentence. It doesn't flow properly.

"This route was supposed to be the one thing she could get right in terms of direction." This sentence also doesn't flow properly.

"A second carriage rattled past before Dianne strode purposefully across the street." "Past" should be "passed". "Purposefully" is unneeded and distracting. Omit it.

"Wonderful luck she had, getting lost while a wizard threatened her little brother at home." The comma should be a colon.

"But soon enough, Dianne’s gaze wandered onto the passersby. A small, frail lady with a little black terrier strolled poshly in pastel purple. A short, black-haired man shouted rude comments at an apprentice baker, and a very tall, cloaked man tipped his top hat at her as she passed by." Again, do not begin with "but". Since you're introducing a complex list, you should use semicolons, like this:
"Soon enough, Dianne’s gaze wandered onto the passersby; A small, frail lady with a little black terrier strolled poshly in pastel purple; a short, black-haired man shouted rude comments at an apprentice baker; and a very tall, cloaked man tipped his top hat at her as she passed by."

I've hit all of the majour grammatical errors that you have in this piece, so I'll leave that issue alone for now. Just remember to read through your work.

I must say, while I'm really intrigued by your characters and I'm in love with your imagery, I am not very happy with your narration style. The feel that I had for this piece was that it was of a more "Victorian era" setting, in a sense. I never felt any sort of formality that I normally do with fantasy pieces like this. I always look for a more formal narrator with my fantasy pieces, because it presents the story in a matter-of-fact way that allows for me to relate to it in a more realistic manner.

Keep up the great writing!

This is quite good, and very intriguing. I love your characters, you do them way better than I do, and trust me when I say that I'm taking notes. There are a few problems though. Your pace seems to be a bit quick and you don't give much more than generic detail on the setting. I'd suggest that you try to "paint", as I'd call it, with your words (you know I'm a sucker for imagery). It also seems that you kind of quickly mull over some details without really highlighting them enough. On my first read through it seemed as though Braxton magically reappeared at the Trador mansion after breakfast, and to breakfast after his studying of the task at hand. Finally it seems as though Dianne is a bit more "ditzy" than you want her to be. For someone described as a fox I'd imagine there'd be more bight in her comments and a touch of cynicism in her thoughts. Other than that this is excellent! It's late where I am at the moment (for me at least) so I'll probably read the other chapters over the weekend.

On a side note, I'd like to ask a few questions, and maybe make some literary pointers. What time period does this take place in? It's obviously medieval, but medieval is separated into more eras than you'd imagine, each with it's own characteristics and feel. Also what age is Braxton, and why is he fighting wizards and stuff? Princes are far more valuable than most people would imagine, and if he's doing anything like that it'd probably be against his parent's wishes, because he absolutely had too, or if there's a potential reward of wealth and power. I say all this because princes were usually betrothed to princesses in other neighboring kingdoms, to be married around age 16 in order to cement alliances, and potentially inherit thrones. Even if he's far from first in line this would be the case. At the very least shouldn't he have an entourage of heavily armed guards or retainers of some sort?

Anyway, that's all I have for now, and I'm terribly sorry for the historical nitpicking. It's just that if you want a really interesting story you shouldn't really draw from typical myths and fokelore. The peasants responsible for such didn't really know or care about how feudalism actually worked. But I digress. It's a great story (much better than mine at the moment) and I hope that the next few chapters are just as intriguing. Keep up the good work, and fare thee well!

~Scoeri

Hello there, Buggie. I'm Stori, and I shall review your work.

Dianne’s shoes clicked endlessly on the cobblestones. Her red-brown hair swished behind her, smooth as a fox’s tail, and just as fine.

This route was supposed to be the one thing she could get right in terms of direction. A second carriage rattled past before Dianne strode purposefully across the street.

“Not you,” Dianne retorted, jutting out her chin, “A dumb wizard who has threatened to put me to sleep and turn my brother into a fox.

They’re supposed to be young men, handsome and fair and completely empty upstairs.”

Her heartbeat thumped slowly in her chest, pounding like a ritardando at the end of a sonatina

the third prince himself

Hello there, Buggie. I'm Stori, and I shall review your work.

Dianne’s shoes clicked endlessly on the cobblestones. Her red-brown hair swished behind her, smooth as a fox’s tail, and just as fine.

This route was supposed to be the one thing she could get right in terms of direction. A second carriage rattled past before Dianne strode purposefully across the street.

“Not you,” Dianne retorted, jutting out her chin, “A dumb wizard who has threatened to put me to sleep and turn my brother into a fox.

They’re supposed to be young men, handsome and fair and completely empty upstairs.”

Her heartbeat thumped slowly in her chest, pounding like a ritardando at the end of a sonatina

the third prince himself

Messenger here to review for you Buggie! Your name makes me laugh BTW. And your avatar is cool. But anyway, this is a review, not a glotation over you avvie!

smooth as a fox’s tail, and just as proud.

Her heartbeat thumped slowly in Dianne’s chest,

“It’s alright, Ferrell is free to stay up and watch the golden apples disappear.”

When at last, the meal was over, Braxton fled immediately for Trador.

This was very fun to read.

You use a lot of great descriptions that really bring up images of the city and the gardens.

“I’d love to,” Braxton said, staring in awe at the sturdy pine forest that separated different fields. The contrast between pastel flowers and dark forest joined perfectly with fluffy white clouds that breezed through a pure blue sky."

It's easy to be drawn into the story when you explain what your character's are seeing like this.

The story itself was also very interesting. I love fantasies, and I love it when they flow with the fairy tale genre as well, and this definitely has that feel. Even while Dianne was being suffocated (dare I say) there was still enough "light explanations" to keep it upbeat, even if it was in a weird way. I hate it when people "try" to make everything all emotional and blubbery, and it just comes out sounding like a soap opera. But that's not how your story is.

I also love that Braxton and Ferrell have this weird job of questing. It's so childish in it's nature, but honestly, it's a very adult concept, and the combination of the two make it just plain fun.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this.

Thank you buggiedude2340!