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Now and Forever

by vluvswriting


Love is that emotion, yeah the pristine one,

When except him you can see or hear none;

It dominates all other feelings, and happens just to a few,

To this captivating feeling, I confess I'm new;

It is deeper than the pacific, wider than the skies,

And to find this true love, every living soul tries;

A little of lust, but it is founded upon honest trust,

And if this love famines trust, life blows away in just a gust;

Love demands faith, sacrifice, and utmost care,

If you can't afford these, to love don't you dare;

In his absence you die with unrest and pain,

It feels like a desert crop, badly in need of rain;

In his presence, your happiness seems to have no bound,

And truly you are luckiest, if such love you've found.

A/N: Love is in the air...!

Review Please

Here is the link to my facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/vluvswriting

Please like it. Ty.


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396 Reviews


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Sun Jan 19, 2014 10:21 am
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Pompadour wrote a review...



Heya vluvswriting! Pompadour here for a quick review!

OK, so first off, you strike me as a romantic. Just the feeling I get. But while you obviously have rhyming-skill, and your imagery is also good, I was sort of disappointed by the cliché-ness. Love isn't an ornament to be set on a mantelpiece, and maybe that's one of the reasons I disagree with you when you term it as "pristine." Sure, it's fragile. But it's also warm, and flighty, and cruel. There are many sides to a hexagon.

Think of love as a hexagon.

I don't mind the occasional simple yet cliché poem, because I'm a sucker for clichés myself. But when you have obvious talent and could accomplish wonders with this little piece, that's where I'm trying to push you. I'm not being harsh. At all. But I am being honest. There is ugliness within beauty; beauty within ugliness. Explore that and pin the flying words to paper. Light them on fire! You know you can do it!

Well, that's it for me trying to push you off a cliff. :D I'll move on to the technical stuff, now.

First there's:

It dominates all other feelings, and happens just to a few,

And to this gorgeous feeling, I confess am new;


I think this would be better as:

It dominates all other feelings, and happens to a select few,

And to this gorgeous feeling, I confess that I am new;


I like this bit, though:

It feels like a desert crop, badly in need of rain;


But I'd suggest you tweak the words so you "show" instead of "tell." For example, you could say: "It feels like a desert crop, with withered want of rain." or something like that.

Overall, great job with this piece, but I know you can do better! Keep it up, keep writing and I hope to see more of your work up soon! Never stop writing; that too is a form of love.

Cheers,
~Pompadour :)




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Sun Jan 19, 2014 4:02 am
Kaity says...



Hello!(:

Kaity here to review!

This was a great poem! Very descriptive and creative. It looked at love in a different light. However there were a few lines when it didn't flow at easily as the rest. None the less it was still an awesome piece! I enjoyed it(: keep up the good work!




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Fri Jan 17, 2014 11:24 am
Laure wrote a review...



Hello, Laure here to review on this killer night! I like this poem, is simple, romantic but it has a touch of sadness to it as well. You've done a wonderful job here by rhyming line by line, is pretty rare to see those nowadays! And your rhyme blends in naturally too! Great job! I can't really go over your technical things because all the reviewers before me has already stated them.

But I do have some little suggestions for ya:

Love is that feeling, yeah the pristine one,
Pristine? Are you sure you want to describe love as pristine? Love is all over the place, is crazy. If you can't find any words, refer to a thesaurus!

And truly you are luckiest, if such love you've found.
The sentence sounds a bit awkward and doesn't flow quite right. Maybe try changing it to, 'you truly are lucky'? Since you're already said truly, and luckiest sounds like a mouthful to me.

Overall, great job for your first poem! Best of luck in your future writing!

-Laure




vluvswriting says...


*first poem on love (I have a few dedicated to mum)
:) Thank you! :D :D



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Thu Jan 16, 2014 7:04 am
vluvswriting says...



:D




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Thu Jan 16, 2014 7:02 am
vluvswriting says...



:)




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Wed Jan 15, 2014 3:53 pm
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athoughttookmyfancy wrote a review...



Hey vluvswriting,

I'm really impressed and absolutely love by your rhymes. Personally, I have never been that good with rhyming because I think it obstructs articulation by constraining the format. But your poem still displays good flow so I think that's really great. I'm really envious.

What I think you can improve on is by adding more voice and personality to your narrative. For instance, the things(for the lack of a better word) that you use to describe the character/POV "I" are all pretty generic and applies to everyone. "I" confesses to how love is refreshing, gorgeous, and implores the readers/You to sacrifice and dedicate something in exchange for love. It's true that generic expressions and compositions appeal to everyone- but that does not excuse oversimplification.
For a work that uses generic characters and yet still demonstrate a high level of thinking, I would recommend "If on a Winter's Night a Traveller" by Italo Calvino. That book is pretty great, and has a romantic main storyline as well- something that you might fancy.


and please don't sell your souls to cliches. "goregous feeling"? Come on, you can do better than that.




vluvswriting says...


Hey athoughttookmyfancy, firstly, thank you for the review!
I have mum tell me this, reading all my poems, do not go on rhyme, go with the message you want to convey. And somehow I end up in rhyming my poems all the time, and it doesn't seem that forced (hopefully)!
About the 'I' thing (for the lack of a better word), I have only 3 poems which are narrative and have a POV... Those are a dedication to someone that is why :)
I'll work on few more. Thanks for that!
About the book, thank you so much again!

And and and about GORGEOUS FEELING, this was my first poem on love, and its not that bad! <<pout>> ;) thanks anyway!



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Wed Jan 15, 2014 1:54 pm
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AEChronicle wrote a review...



Well written. It's about love. Simple, sweet, yet to the point. You have a good combination of words to complete the rhymes, but not change the feel or the concept of the poem. Plus; Who doesn't like love?

Favorite line: "A little of lust, but founded upon honest trust," It's the truth, we are all human, we all have human/animalistic instincts, but the trust that we give to each other, through our love, allows us to set all that aside.

Thank you vluvswriting!




vluvswriting says...


Hey...thanks AEC!!
Reply to:-Favorite line: "A little of lust, but founded upon honest trust," It's the truth, we are all human, we all have human/animalistic instincts, but the trust that we give to each other, through our love, allows us to set all that aside.
The line was initially "It is void of any lust, founded upon honest trust,"
And then.... I grew up ;)
Love IS a little of lust too!
Thanks for commenting. Brought back old memories :)
Reply for:-Well written. It's about love. Simple, sweet, yet to the point. You have a good combination of words to complete the rhymes, but not change the feel or the concept of the poem. Plus; Who doesn't like love?
That did make me smile :) thank you..... true, who doesn't like love :D



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Wed Jan 15, 2014 10:50 am
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Wisteria wrote a review...



Hello vluvswriting, Subtle here to review for ya on this fine evening! I like this poem you have written here, the rhyme doesn't seem forced at all and there is generally a steady flow to it. I also like the imagery you have used here, and this poem is light-hearted and positive. Now, on with the technical things.

And to this gorgeous feeling, i confess am new;
I believe no matter in what circumstance, I by itself it capitalized.

It is deeper than the pacific, wider than the skies,
-I have to say this is a bit cliché, but it conveyed your message across well enough. I suggest next time, try finding some more creative metaphors, after all. That is what poetry is about, creativity and expression!

And if this love famines trust, life blows away just in a gust;
I think this sentence would flow better if you reword it like this: And if this love famines trust, life blows away in just a gust. Great line by the way!

If you cant afford these, to love don't you dare;
Apostrophe in 'can't'.

Overall, nice poem, but watch out for the little details in the grammatical sense! Hoped I helped!

-S.s




vluvswriting says...


S.s thank you so much
This was my first poem on love.
I have mum tell me this, reading all my poems, do not go on rhyme, go with the message you want to convey. And somehow I end up in rhyming my poems all the time, and it doesn't seem that forced (hopefully)!
Thank you for confirming it doesn't seem forced. :)
About the grammatical errors, thanks a million. I'll take care, for sure!
About the metaphor pacific and skies, it was again a try to rhyme it with tries :P thanks again :)



Wisteria says...


Ah, I see.Well, nice job! And you're welcome.



vluvswriting says...


Thanks for taking out the time to comment :) means a lot to me!



Wisteria says...


Eh, I have nothing to do. Don't sweat it, kiddo. xD



vluvswriting says...


:D :D :D :D :D :D :D thanks!
xoxo
vluvswriting :D




There are those who say that life is like a book, with chapters for each event in your life and a limited number of pages on which you can spend your time. But I prefer to think that a book is like a life, particularly a good one, which is well to worth staying up all night to finish.
— Lemony Snicket