Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
I know when we’re in bed
and you scream “Oh, God!”
that the g isn’t capitalized
in your mind
because any welcome spirits
have long ago left your heart.
Now you try finding the divine
in me.
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137,690 Literary Works • 672,059 Reviews
Well, this was extremely unexpected. I can't control my laughter from this.
Strange here, and I have a review for this.
Oh, god. This is sad yet hilarious. I'm sorry for saying this, but wow. It has a great idea in it. "The g isn't capitalized." You took my heart out and kept it. Its sad, looking at a relationship separating, but the way it started and how sexual it is is fantastic. I give you props. A good poem about relationships. This has to be one of my favorite poems in the last couple of months. Bravo, Sbitoni!
Overall, fantastic.
I can't rate this, because no rate can capture this.
Great job
Keep writing
Stay groovy, my friend *hair flips*
Hello!
This was a short little poem wasn't it.
First the things I liked:
-The little detail about the capitalized "G." That was a very deep little sentence.
-I like the way you presented this theme of looking for something else in place of a divine power.
-I like the simplicity of the poem as a whole, as well as the language, which was neither too fancy nor too simple.
Some things I think need improving:
-I think it would be better if you didn't actually capitalize the 'G' in the exclamation, because that's supposed to represent exactly what they said, and not having it capitalized wouldn't detract from the ability to understand the poem.
-You say "welcome spirits" but I think you mean more along the lines of "religious thoughts," because when you say "welcome spirits," I think of like, river spirits, and "spirits" as in alcohol, as well as "the spirit of kindness/giving etc."
-I think you need a period after "heart."
-I wish we new more about what this person is screaming that for anyway. I don't know if that's a good exclamation, or a distressed one or anything. It's not a necessary detail, it might even be too much.
In fact, I would even suggest removing the first line, but then your title doesn't make a lot of sense, and neither does the "try to find the divine in me" part. BUT if you want your poem to have just a touch more mystery, I say get rid of that first line (It's rather clunky) and just keep the title and "divine" part just the same, and the reader can make a connection themselves. And if they don't "get it," sucks to be them.
I think that would remove the unnecessary (in my eyes) clutter of the first line and get straight to the point.
Of course you couldn't just remove it. I'd suggest saying "I know when you scream..."
Anyway, I really liked this poem. Good work, Keep writing!
~fortis
Haha, the reason why I put this poem under 16 for mature content, would be because people under this age would not understand this poem. I agree with putting a period after heart. Thank you for helping me with my punctuation! I included the capitalized G in order to provide contrast within the poem. I suppose you can say I also incorporated irony by doing this, language versus concept (or something along the lines of that). My intention was not for this poem to be mysterious; The first line was intended to provide an implied setting/scenario (again, something for mature audiences). Your point of the phrase "welcome spirits" does make me ponder, though. I will try and find if I can find a more precise way to dictate that thought. Thanks for the review!
Wow. Great work here. It reads like it took no effort to write because it just came so naturally. I love how the ending has a blank line before the last line. Not sure if it's intentional or not but I think the break really emphasized the close. As to the content of this piece I don't have any critiques. *clap!!!*
thank you! and yes, the break was intentional.
*clap*
thanks!!!!