Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.
PROLOUGE
Every night following the seventeeth of December, I would wake up at two in the morning. Yet I was not an insomiac, or struggling with an illness. I would simply wake up, fixated on the door with glazed eyes in the hopes that I would hear a knock. The faint hope that the door would creak open against my will, and I would see a flash of white teeth and bright, blue eyes like a summer sky. And when the door finally pushed open, a boy of eighteen would rake his hand through his hair and walk towards me. Him. And I would press my mouth to his for a long, long time. But every night, that never happened. Every night, my eyes darted around my empty apartment room, pillows strewn across the floor, and the tears would fall fast, violently. To calm myself, I would look around and imagine his face, his flawless face, grinning devilishly behind the kitchen counter. "Want me to make you something? You know I'm a horrible cook," he would always say this with a grin. In response, I would purse my lips, my heart fluttering partly because I love his cooking and partly because of his smile.
I will never have this now. Each night, I would throw the pillows further across the room. Each night, I would break down harder and have difficulty breathing, difficulty sleeping with only my shadows. The nights grew harder to bear. I could still feel my hair prickling at the back of my neck with the memory of his gentle touch. My heartbeat would never slow. A year later, December 17th. I spent it alone in my apartment, but he was holding my hand, I could feel it. I could feel him caressing my arms, my shoulders, sending chills up my spine. But instead of feeling warm with his touch, I only felt coldness. His long fingers began tracing patterns in my back, and I felt the tears coming again. Except this time, hysteria bubbled up inside me, and I found myself struggling for air. "Alex!" I screamed into the pitch black. "Alex, goddammit, why did you go?" Suddenly I jolted up out of bed and began searching my bathroom cabinets frantically, my hands shaking. I was looking for the smooth surface of a bottle. Pills. Alex. My hands, jittering with panic, finally grasped hold of a pill bottle and started to twist the cap open. Sharp, pinching blues scattered on the countertop while some fell to the floor. I gripped a handful, squeezing them in my hands until veins throbbed in my neck. "Alex!" I screamed, but this time it seemed more like a wail. The pills left my hands one by one as I emptied them into my throat without a second thought. They would soon drain down my esophagus and hopefully take my life. I was shaking, shaking so badly that my shoulders slammed into the wall, and tears were blurring the edges of my vision. "Death will set you free," a voice echoed in my head. "You can see your love again." But at that instant, something else snapped inside of me. "No," I said. "No." And then I threw them up.
End of chapter
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137,443 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
I'd like to start off by saying that this is a really intriguing beginning for a story. The protagonist is fairly well-characterized (her struggle between suicidal urges and will to survive is one of my personal favorite parts), and the mystery is downright tantalizing. That being said, there are a few stylistic flaws/inconsistencies that could (for the most part) be fixed fairly easily.
First off, the way the paragraphs are separated is rather awkward - having two blocks of text set apart only by double-spacing breaks up the flow of the story, and is also visually unappealing. Generally speaking, it's better to indent. I'd also recommend having more paragraphs - even though this is fairly short, it would move a lot more smoothly (a good rule of thumb is to start a new paragraph every time someone speaks).
There are also a few easily-fixable stylistic problems and unclear bits that could be easily fixed. Be warned, this is where I'm going to start getting technical and nit-picky.
"I would simply wake up, fixated on the door with glazed eyes..." this part of the sentence isn't bad inasmuch as it does the job, but it doesn't flow terribly well. I'd change it to something like "I would simply wake up, my glazed eyes fixated on the door," but you're free to change it however you like.
"...bright, blue eyes like a summer sky." Again, this sentence gets the job done, but while the bit about the summer sky is pretty, it seems a bit unnecessary.
"I will never have this now." There's a tense shift here; it should be "I would never have that now".
"Suddenly I jolted up out of bed..." While "suddenly" is a fairly easy way to indicate, well, sudden-ness, it's awkward to read and comes across as lazy. A better way of creating the effect you're after would be to have a few sentences of the narrator reminiscing in her bed, then saying "I jolted up out of bed".
Beyond that, I don't have much else to pick apart. Your descriptions are, for the most part, really good (a personal favorite of mine was the bit about "sharp, pinching blues," it really helped set the mood without being too purple) and the conflict really draws me in.
I wish you all the best as you continue with this story!
Thanks for the review! I found your suggestions to be very helpful, and I will definitely consider them while editing.
Thank you. I'm glad to be of help.
I have to be picky: YOU SPELT PROLOGUE WRONG! XDDDDDDDDDD
Now for the work: After reading, I can't decide whether your protagonist is male or female? And there is no determining factor to decide this. It's a little unclear.
Little typo: 'insomiac' = insomniac
The purpose of a prologue is to tell the reader about something that is relevant to the story, but generally happens out of its chronological sequence.
I think you could include this as Chapter 1 of your work quite easily.
Just a suggestion.
Good job. Keep writing.
Thank you for the review and thoughtful suggestions!
Hi Moonlight, here to review your prologue!
Wow! I agree this was so intense and intriguing and just wow. I really enjoyed reading this, it was so chilling but so interesting. I like how the first paragraph just states Alex as a random boy with blue eyes, but then more descriptions are formed in the second paragraph, of what he means to the MC. Your descriptions are really great, and just the whole plot that seems to be forming is so cool and makes me want to read more.
I'm actually finding it quite hard to come up with improvements, but I guess my first one is the layout of this. It's just two really big paragraphs which kind of makes it slower to read than it could be. I think that you could try and split this up into smaller paragraphs, I'm not saying loads of two line paragraphs but maybe just a few more smaller paragraphs so that it doesn't look so clumped together. If you're unsure where you can start a new paragraph, there's some useful information on that here. Also, maybe a couple of one-line paragraphs could be really effective here- you've already done a great job at using some really short sentences but this too could really work.
The other thing to mention is that I think you've revealed quite a lot about Alex here which is good, but I was thinking a bit more about how he made the MC feel. Did he make them feel safe? Because it seems right now that they're really scared without him, especially at night, they feel like they're missing something. And as this prologue is kind of short, I don't think there's any harm in including a bit about this because it just makes Alex and the MC seem more like characters the reader can empathise with. Without this, it just leaves me wondering why is the MC so obsessed with him?
Overall, this is really good! I really enjoyed reading this, you've used some really good techniques to keep it interesting. Maybe try and break down your paragraphs a bit more, and think more about how Alex made the MC feel. I hope this review helped, feel free to PM me with any questions you have or if you'd like another review on anything.
Keep writing,
~ArcticMonkey x
Thank you, your review means a lot!
I will definitely take your critiques into consideration.
Wow. This is really intense!
Firstly, the beginning sentence attracts readers and makes them want to read on, which is great and a good skill to have.
Also, I like the end bit, when all these conflicting thought are in her head and then the last sentence:
"And then I threw them up."
Is really effective and the reader wants to know what happens next. So, more please?
The thing I'd suggest to improve it, however, is to maybe break up your paragraphs a bit more? So if you do, then if someone clicks on it, they'll see this beautifully presented work and get a good first impression.
There are a couple of small spelling mistakes too..:
"seventeeth" should be "seventeenth"
"insomiac" should be "insomniac"
That's all I can suggest to improve on though, and I am really intrigued as to what your character does next in this and I really have to know!
Have a great Christmas!
-CFG
Thanks for reviewing my work, and I hope you have a great Christmas as well! There will definitely be more to come following the prologue