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Young Writers Society


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The Pact, Chapter One, Part One

by horrendous


1

Adam the 'prentice was carefully placing bronze ore into the crucible under the high thatch roof facing the main road in Ophem. His face was one of concentration - he had large burn scars on both arms from touching the sides of the opening, and learned fast that haste brought pain in this activity. He had to reach deep into the large stone furnace to place the ore into the crucible, and his arms were currently halfway up his biceps into the stone opening.

"Adam", a cold and deep voice spoke from behind him. Adam jumped, connecting the insides of both elbows with the top of the opening. He yelled in surprise and pain, dropping the ore haphazardly into the crucible and retracting his arms like snakes striking in reverse.

"Oooooo, ow, ow, ow!" Adam exclaimed, ripping off his heavy gloves and rubbing the insides of his elbows. He'd forgotten about the cause of his accident in his pain.

"Owie, oh man, that hurt! Wow!"

"Adam".

Again Adam jumped and turned in the direction of the voice. He squinted in the failing light. The figure was wearing a tan traveling cloak, the hood masking his face in darkness.

"W-who are you?" Adam asked feebly, still rubbing his arms.

Adre took a step forward, allowing the light from a torch hanging from the pole that supported the corner of the thatch roof to illuminate his face.

Adam's face lit up. "Oh, Adre! You scared the willies outta me! You shouldn't -"

Adam cut off mid-sentence. Was this Adre? This man's face was scary - seemed cut out of stone... and his eyes... was that the reflection of the torch? Must be, Adam concluded.

"Adre? Something wrong, good friend?" Adam ventured cautiously. The urge to flee was creeping up his spine, nearing his brain.

"The crossbow. Is it ready?"

Adam struggled to recall working on a crossbow - with Adre's firey eyes focused on him with such intensity, thought became even more rudimentary than was usual for him. His face started to twist into a look of despair - then it dawned on him.

"The crossbow! Yeah! Yeah, Adre, I finished it up just after you left". Then a question occured to him. "What are you doin' back here, Adre?"

"Something dear was stolen from me. I'm going to punish those who stole it".

Adam nodded stupidly, not understanding what Adre was talking about.

"The crossbow, Adam".

"Yeah, just a second".

Adam turned and went through a wooden door leading into the shop. As soon as he stepped through the threshhold, he felt much better. Something was wrong with Adre. He'd never made Adam feel uncomfortable before, always the opposite. Adam looked around in the torchlight and spotted a small cedar crossbow, reinforced with bronze. There were leather straps, two hanging from each side, as well as a circular brass magazine that wrapped around the forearm and held extra bolts. There was a mechanism inside the crossbow that used the energy spent firing one bolt to load another.

Adam carefully picked this well-crafted weapon and carried it out in front of him as though it were a relic. He exited the shop and looked at Adre. Adre's face and eyes were vacant, as though he were consulting an internal voice.

"Adre?"

Adre's vacant face came to life and his eyes locked onto Adam's. Adam was startled, but didn't jump. He held the crossbow out before him.

Adre gave it a cursory glance before rolling up the sleeze on his left arm, grasping the crossbow and slapping it onto his left forearm. Adam cringed. Adre quickly fastened the leather straps, then looked at Adam.

"How do I fire it?"

Adam pointed to a flat piece of bronze protruding from the front of the crossbow, underneath the bolt groove. There was a circular shape punched out of the end.

"See this? Pull it with your finger to -"

Adre pointed his left arm at a nearby barrel and pulled the trigger three times. Three bolts rocketed from the crossbow, impaling the barrel. A thick whump sound accompanied each one.

Adre brought the bow to his face, nodding.

"Excellent. This will do".

The urge to flee was growing unignorable.

Adre's firey eyes again focused on Adam. He reached into his cloak and produced a small pouch.

"Payment", Adre said, and held the pouch out in front of him. Adam brought a shaking hand to the pouch and took it. Adre saw this and frowned. His eyes softened.

"Adam, I've known you since you were young. You were always joyful, and it pains me to see you so shaken. It's only fair that I let you know that you may not see me again for many moons, if ever. I cannot return to Ophem after tonight. Someone... a sweet and innocent little girl has been killed."

Adre bared his teeth slightly and narrowed his eyes, and Adam couldn't tell if this was due to pain or anger.

"Whatever you see or hear, Adam, know that I was not responsible. But I'm going to find those who are, and they will know regret".

The import of Adre's words were not lost on Adam, even in his fear. "Okay, Adre. I understand". Adam held out his hand, and despite his urge to snatch it away, he allowed Adre to shake it.

Adre nodded and turned away, striding into the darkness. Adam looked after him until he was enveloped in the dark, then looked at the pouch he held. The agreed fee for the crossbow was 15 silver pieces - there was at least twice that amount here. Adam didn't care. He sulked his way into the shop and carelessly tossed the pouch onto the counter. A crime was commited. I was not responsible. Adam felt terrible. He may not ever see Adre again, and he might be in heaps of trouble. His head swam with worries and anxiousness, and he quickly locked the shop and started home, leaving the furnace burning.

2

Adre walked back to his horse with a heavy heart. He wished he could have avoided that errand, but he needed this weapon.

He could feel new strength flowing through him, and he assumed this was a result of consuming his heart. He shuddered at the thought. Such bloodthirst had consumed him, a need to eat. Not just anything - flesh. The taste and texture was still fresh in his mouth, and he was revolted. He spat.

He reached his horse, mounted it, and kicked the sides. The horse started forward. He kicked again and the horse broke out in a run. The neighbors would check on his house in the morning and find his and their daughters, slain. Witnesses would place him there. He had to put distance between himself and Ophem. He didn't want the guard catching up - not for his sake, for theirs. He didn't want to kill anyone, but he was resolute in his mission. No one would stop him.

3

Daemon-Eye Slayer watched Adre's progress from afar. Hades' ploy had worked without a hiccup, as to be expected from the king of the underworld, with nothing but time and animosity on his hands. Demon-Eye thought that hatred had driven Hades mad, but that wasn't his problem. The king had a knack for scheming, and calculated the man and motive that would suit their needs perfectly. Now the potential Slayer was in motion, moving generally eastward without much direction. The grand-chieftain planned to give him some. He'd given some two-bit chieftain information - just the right concoction of lies and half-truths to point the mark in the right direction, and give him some more motivation. Now he was putting him in the mark's path along with a small unit, guaranteeing a bloodbath. The hunger would do the rest.

Now the only wildcard was the estranged Slayer, Sharptooth. Demon-Eye couldn't use his clairvoyance to see him - how that was possible, he didn't know, but Sharptooth had effectively masked himself from Demon-Eye's sight. He could complicate things. Sharptooth would eventually contact the mark, but even then the Slayers couldn't reveal themselves around him. They could only hope Sharptooth couldn't make the mark stray. He had a way with words, that one, a way of provoking that was hard to ignore. He'd once been a loyal Slayer, but sought to regain his humanity - not unlike Demon-Eye himself. But Demon-Eye didn't have the strength to force himself from Hades' grasp as Sharptooth did. He was biding his time.

He continued his remote vigil on the mark, his body motionless in a red silk-lined chair in the grand-chieftain's hall, his eyes black and gleaming.

4

Chieftain Abrand was feeling proud. He'd been called to the grand-chieftain's chamber before departing for Tyfor and given specific orders, as well as let it in some clan secrets. He never saw the grand-chieftain, only heard his voice boom in a darkly lit hall. He'd knelt before an empty oaken throne to recieve his orders. Now he was camped in the town square in Tyfor, having routed the defenders earlier that day.

He'd been told to watch for a lone rider carrying a greatsword. Told to kill him on sight, and to utilize all his men to do it. Apparently this man was some sort of close combat expert. The description sounded familiar. He'd heard fevered reports of a man earlier in the day that had killed a great many of his soldiers, and he had used an iron greatsword. He didn't know what came of the alliance soldier, but this couldn't be the same man. One anonymous soldier didn't warrant Heath Abrand's strength and talent, the way he saw it.

He let the issue slip from thought as he devoured a greasy, roasted mutton chop in the equally greasy light of the lamp. These alliance cowards were far too comfortable here in there walled city to be a real threat. The clan had taken them utterly off-guard, and swept the defenders aside as a broom sweeps dust. Doubtless they were calling for aid from neighboring cities - a fruitless act. It would take days for reinforcements to arrive, days that Abrand had no intention of giving them. By daylight tomorrow, Abrand's force was assaulting that steep and narrow pass leading up the cliff, and these soft saps wouldn't resist for long. The mere appearance of the clan's footsoldiers - adorned in blood-stained bones and matted fur, faces lined with crimson war paint - was enough for many of the alliance dogs to turn tail earlier that day. Abrand was supremely satisfied with his current position, and the forshadowing of the lone soldier and the death that followed him was lost on the chieftain.


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87 Reviews


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Tue Jul 22, 2014 2:04 pm
Alchemist wrote a review...



Hey! I'm finally back to review your work, for "Adopt a novel" review!

Quick nitpick! You are making a punctuation mistake, when closing them, like this ". ,where it should be the other way around. I too thought that was the correct way to do it, though well, it's not. xD

First of all, I really like your style. It is perfect for fantasy; well, your ability to depict the situation, surrondings and feelings of your characters could be a part of a classic as well. I like it and it's pleasant to read.

There is one thing that is 'concerning' me, though. It may sound somewhat harsh, but I don't want to lie to you. Now it's nothing big, and I'm barely a two chapters into the story, so whatever I write here may not be of significance.

Firs, your main 'villian' is Hades. It is borrowed from a greek mythology. Second, you have to be VERY careful with the plot which includes evil, dark lord who seeks to conquer the world, becouse that is the idea folded way too many times. Well there is a positive concerning this thing, that is, you write from the perspective of the dark side, so far. Not completely, but now it is the dark side. Though, to avoid your story being cliche, I suggest you have a good long think on the future of this story, and its plot-twists.

There is also one more thing though, I'm not sure if you noticed this... but the whole story might be somewhat alike the 'Ghost rider' movie. You will also have to be really careful fo avoid further crossovers.

I'm sorry for being harsh, but I think being silent about this will help nobody. As I've said, your writing style is good, so you definitely got the thing for writing. And as I've said, I'm only two chapters into this, who knows what may happen, and you yourself havent written a whole lot of it. So look upon what I've told you as a things to avoid and try to walk around to make your story unique!

-Alchemist




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Sun Jun 29, 2014 2:41 pm
ScarletDreams14 wrote a review...



This was interesting, I actually quite liked it.
It kept me entertained, I wasn't really bored at all, which is good!

I went over this, and I'm curious to know if these spelling mistakes we're intentional.

View over the following:

1

with Adre's [firey] eyes focused on him with such intensity, thought became even more rudimentary than was usual for him. (Was the word in brackets meant to be spelled like that? There might be a misspelling.) http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/fiery

"The crossbow! Yeah! Yeah, Adre, I finished it up just after you left". Then a question [occurred] to him. "What are you doin' back here, Adre?" ( http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictiona ... 1404052241 )


Adam turned and went through a wooden door leading into the shop. As soon as he stepped through the [threshhold] , he felt much better. ( http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/threshold )



Adre gave it a cursory glance before rolling up the [sleeze] on his left arm, grasping the crossbow and slapping it onto his left forearm. Adam cringed. Adre quickly fastened the leather straps, then looked at Adam. ( http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/sleeve )


A crime was [commited]. I was not responsible. Adam felt terrible. He may not ever see Adre again, and he might be in heaps of trouble. His head swam with worries and anxiousness, and he quickly locked the shop and started home, leaving the furnace burning.
( http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/committed )

4

He'd knelt before an empty oaken throne to [receive] his orders. Now he was camped in the town square in Tyfor, having routed the defenders earlier that day.
( http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/receive )


Hopefully I was accurate on this. If not I used a dictionary and spell-check.
So it may not be fully accurate. Different words are spelled differently, in other countries.

Anyway overall really good job!

Thumbs Up!
Image

Sincerely, @ScarletDreams14; Member of Salsa Verde

Writer, Artist, Student and Reader




horrendous says...


thanks for the nitpicks, i miss a lot in editing. i'm glad my story didn't bore you heh.

thanks for the review.





^^ No problem, and it was great nice job!



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Sun Jan 19, 2014 12:47 am
SetSytes wrote a review...



I'm currently reading Joe Abercrombie and this reminds me of the work, and is just as good. It feels like the sort of work that could end up spanning a trilogy with this character, and the world-building that might follow.
There were a couple of little bits that threw me a little: "He sulked his way into the shop and carelessly tossed the pouch onto the counter. A crime was commited. I was not responsible." - Is this 'I was not responsible' him repeating the words of Adre? If so 'a crime was committed' preceding kinda confuses it a bit. Or maybe it's just late and I'm reading it wrong.
Otherwise, I have no complaints. The writing is direct and unflowery, perfectly suited to the work and ease of reading. It's gritty where it should be, engaging characters and plot, and it makes you want to read to see how things are going. It all feels like the tip of the iceberg, and I hope it is.




horrendous says...


yes, that was Adam's internal dialogue recounting Adre's words. i'm learning and developing prose as i go, and the fact that i failed freshman English doesn't help much. to me it's surprising that people enjoyed this story so much, and gratifying. i'll continue working on this as long as you agree to continue reading.

i'm really glad that you enjoyed this.



horrendous says...


yes, that was Adam's internal dialogue recounting Adre's words. i'm learning and developing prose as i go, and the fact that i failed freshman English doesn't help much. to me it's surprising that people enjoyed this story so much, and gratifying. i'll continue working on this as long as you agree to continue reading.

i'm really glad that you enjoyed this.



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Sun Dec 29, 2013 11:55 am
Gummy wrote a review...



Wow, this was tremendous! I don't usually read under the "Novel" category, but I decided to try out this piece, and boy, I do not regret it!

So, yeah. Onto my review! Gummy's the name, reviewing's my game! Today, I'm going to review Chapter 1, Part 1 from "The Pact", by... horrendous? That's a rather sad name, you know. :C It does remind me of the protagonist of How To Train Your Dragon, (whose name is too long to be pronounced) though.

All right, so onto what I liked about this po--I mean chapter! Sorry, I'm just so used to reviewing poetry... Anyway, umm... I guess I can run things a little different, since this is a novel chapter. Basic rules apply, though. The grammar could use a touch-up or two, but my fellow reviewer already covered that. The story flows cleanly, and even with the shifts in the points of view, the reader can clearly understand what's going on in the story at all times. That's really good, by the way. Lastly, instead of worrying about organization, we're going to talk about a similar topic: Grabbing the reader's attention. Like many other Fantasy stories, this one is quick to choose a plot to follow, and adding Hades and his cronies also helps pique the reader's interest by alluding to a well-known character. The story is full of interesting situations, particularly when Adam gets burned on the furnace. It's a subconscious reaction to brace oneself for pain when visualizing extreme cases of it.

That's it! As always, keep writing, take care, and I'll expect to see more of your work in the near future. Remember that the key is to practice!




horrendous says...


you think it's sad? i guess it is, though it's meant tongue-in-cheek.

anyway, since i'm getting so much positive feedback i'll come clean and admit that i thought this story was going to get much worse criticism. i had actually decided to scrap the story, as my interest in it had waned. but hearing all this positive feedback has made me decide to take it back up.

i'm really glad you enjoyed this story. thanks for reading and reviewing.



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Sun Dec 29, 2013 11:39 am
Dreamy wrote a review...



Hey there,
Dreamy here to review. I first read this, I was so very pleased and intrigued that I so badly wanted to know what happened previously.So I ended up your previous chapters And here I am pleased and surprised on how a gruesome story like this, can be so beautifully framed.

The Plot

The plot was so intriguing and dark. It immediately caught my eyes. Though it is same old story of revenge or vengeance by a father for his daughter. But what really stands out is the time period you have chosen for it. That would be the winning point for this story.

The Characters

So far it has been only Adre, and I'm not asking for more :P I must say that you've got good eyes for character formatting. Adre's character is meticulously sculptured and I like his past, him being a tough soldier and a loving father. And Adam, he was surely a fool.

Writing Style

I always like third person narrative, I always enjoy that. And you have done a great job in that. And I must say that your narration is really good. Your descriptive of Adre's and the old lady's was so beautifully crafted. I loved each and every bit of this story. I want you to take a look at this though,

mounted it,


Is it not "mounted on it" ? I'm not sure. But I thought you need to have a look at it.

Other than that, I didn't find any grammatical mistakes. I really liked this one. And I can't wait to read more of this. Good luck!

Keep writing!!!

Cheers!!! :D




horrendous says...


about the plot. if you read the original drafts (the ones that don't say rewrite), you'll find this story was originally just an excuse for me to write gory, excessive battle scenes. after others commented on how shitty it was, i rebuilt the story instead of scrapping it. that's why the plot seems so basic, but i'm going to emphasize the subplot of Hades doing his thing to even it out.

and Adre started out as a bloodthirsty murder machine, but i realized that's not a relatable character, so i made him more human.

glad you enjoyed it, thanks for reading and reviewing.



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Sun Dec 29, 2013 11:35 am
ConverseFireGirl wrote a review...



Wow, once I started reading this, I just couldn't stop!

A few little easy to correct mistakes...:
"firey" - "fiery" (this happened twice. :P)
"occured" - "occurred"
"threshhold" - "threshold"
"sleeze" - "sleeve"
"commited" - "committed"
"bloodthirst " - (this depends, you can have 'blood thirst' or I think "blood lust" would also work :) )
"recieve" - "receive"
"greatsword" - "great sword" (or if this is an actual name for it, capitalize it, so: "Greatsword," or "Great Sword")
"forshadowing" - "foreshadowing"
With a little editing, this will be perfect!
"He reached his horse, mounted it, and kicked the sides. The horse started forward. He kicked again and the horse broke out in a run." I found the word "horse" was a little over used here. Depending on whether the horse is male or female, juggle it around a bit.


Now onto the good stuff! :D
Right, I loved your story line, it's great.
Your characters are both convincible and likable and a little mysterious, which are all good things! Also, I apologize that I didn't read the prologue, I am only reviewing this on the content, but the story line is fabulous.
I also like your descriptions, the description of the crossbow was fabulous, seriously! Keep up the good work, with some editing, this will be TREMENDOUS. :D
-CFG




horrendous says...


hey, thanks for pointing those out spelling errors. i haven't gone over this story in a while and had no idea it contained so many typos.

and yes, i have an ongoing issue with repeated words. i sometimes have a hard time thinking up synonyms, use the same word as a placeholder and then just forget to break out the thesaurus later.

thanks for reading and reviewing.




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— yosh