An Introduction

I prefer to add in my opinions as I read. My thoughts or edits are are brackets. Keep in mind that most of my edits are just re-wordings. A [x] means I removed something. If a sentence starts with a [?] that means I have a question or a comment at the end.
This review is just my opinion. You don't have to take any of my suggestions.


[x]

A wall of fire [blazes angrily between the] two advancing armies. [x][B]lue and red flames[x] [stretch up] into the sky, [?]devouring everything that comes close to its searing heat[What is there to devour in the sky? If you mean things around it, I would put this in a different sentence]. [x][Suddenly a shadow sweeps overhead] [and] darkens [the armies below.]

Then [x] a [ferocious] roar [x] shakes the [?]heavens[shaking the sky? Maybe you should say it sent a ripple through the clouds, or something like that. Otherwise, it would be more earth-shaking.][x]. [Suddenly another stream of flames shoots down from] the sky[x]. [The men] raise their shields[x], but [they're incinerated in seconds]. [The flames part and there are only piles of ash and molten metal.]

[?]Then the two armies clash together, steel clashing with steel. [They're still fighting even though a dragon is torching the battlefield? It seems like an elephant in the room. An elephant on fire.] [x][Insert a description of the men kabaabing each other.] [The wounded men cry out before they are trampled by the waves of combatants], [left to moan, sprawled across the blood-soaked earth.]

[x][The audience doesn't need to be told this. I would cut it.]

[?][The dragon stands beyond his loyal army.] His [insert description of banner] banner is held high, [above the searing flames]. [x] [I'm confused. The dragon has men fighting for him? And I thought he was just in the sky? I would clear all this up at the very beginning.]

[I realize now that the two armies are the armies of the dragon and the men. The impression the reader gets is that there are two human armies, and their battle has been interrupted by the dragon. You should clear this up in the very beginning, otherwise you will lose the audience's attention.]

[Opposite the mighty beast is man]. Man[,] [so weak. Weak to injury, weak to greed, weak to power.] [Truly evil, truly pitiful creatures.]

[The dragon sits proudly. His eyes flicker over the battlefield in quiet pride.] [His] banner [x] [shudders in the high winds], [above] the blood and violence[x]. [Insert description of the men falling like flies. Remember: show us what's happening, don't tell us.]

[new paragraph] [B]ut the humans have one last card to play. [SO CLICHE! Use something different! "But humans are harder to kill than they at first seem." Anything else, really. You might not even want to put this in here at all.]

The dragon [swoops] over the field, spreading [death and flame][x]. The humans [cower and then shrivel into black pillars of ash.]

[Then a] shot rings out. Two of them, fired almost simultaneously from the same enormous gun. [??? First thing: you say "a shot," and then say it was two shots. Second thing: guns? If this is a medieval setting, they would have catapults, trebuchets, crossbows and ballistas. I imagine you mean a ballista, but I'm not certain. If this world DOES have guns, make it clearer to the audience this is a more modern setting, and do it earlier.]

[x][The] shadow [plunges] from the sky[x]. The men lower their shields[.] [Insert description of their tension -- the sweat pooling over their brows, their swords half raised like a question][x] [Insert description of how they watch the horizon for the shadow.] [Then] the [dragon's] banner droops[x] [and pitches forward,] [crashing to the] ground[x] beside the stunned troops.

The dragon is dead.



- - - - -


Okay, your biggest weaknesses are these: you do a lot of telling, and not nearly enough showing, and you use a lot of passive voice.
The first thing you should do to fix the show/tell is look at what you're writing and ask if it's a description or a status update.
"The flag is burning." vs "Tendrils of flame rise from the cloth."

As for the passive voice, this can be a little more difficult to pin down exactly. An active voice gives the impression of an action happening immediately, at the present moment. A passive voice is more similar to storytelling. Active voice helps the reader have a vicarious experience. The easiest rule of thumb is that if your action ends in an "ing," it's probably passive. You can still use "ing" words, just be careful. Use your best judgement.
"Flames are rising from the ground." vs "Flames rise from the ground."

Now onto the good. There are a lot of good things to say about this story.

I caught no spelling errors.
Your sequence of events is sound. Although the exact circumstances were confusing at first, there was no confusion in exactly what was happening at any given time. With battles like this, a reoccurring problem you see is the author giving too much information or too many unimportant details. The reader gets lost and has no clue what's going on. Your clarity in action is a real strength.
Your premise is intriguing. Man versus dragon is cliche, but man versus a dragon army is unique. I'm curious where you're going to go with this.
Most importantly, I want to read more. You've piqued interest. I know I probably seemed really harsh in the editing, but it was very good. If you post more, let me know. I'll read and review like this again if you'd really like.

Good job, keep writing.

Hey, Flame here!

I love reviewing fantasy and sci-fi, and even more so, introductions and prologues, because they're bound to be exciting. And you didn't disappoint me! You grabbed my attention from the start, with that tremendous fire. Great fluency and grammar, and your descriptions were amazing--just the perfect length !

Overall, though, this was a bit cliché. You could make it more unique by delving into the men's thoughts and emotions, adding more detail, rather than describing the basic outline of the battle. Maybe write from the dragon's or a single soldier's perspective. I'm also unsure why this is an introduction. The reader is given little information and would be confused by the entrance of the dragon. This introduction looks more like an excerpt from the middle of your book.

I hope that I wasn't too hard on you there. Now the rest of this review is just composed of tiny mistakes, just things you might have missed while rereading your piece...

"A shadow passed overhead. A huge shadow. One that darkened a great deal of the enemy." These fragments, while intended to create drama, contrasted oddly with the sentences before it. A possibility is clipping them to another paragraph, combining the first two sentences, and simply deleting the last one:

"Then a huge shadow passed overhead."

"Then the two armies clashed together, steel clashing with steel and the ever present cries of the wounded..." "The ever present cries of the wounded" isn't relevant with the rest of the sentence. To maintain flow, you could write: "...clashed together, and the air rang with the cries of the wounded..."

"Species who never though the world could..." Did you mean "through" or "on?"

"The humans covered themselves once more, even though it does no good." You accidently switched between past and present tense. Did you mean "even though it wouldn't do any good?"

And that's all. Thanks for reading this! I love what you've got so far, and I honestly can't wait for you to submit more!!!

Can you say "Just right"?

You had me hooked at the first sentence. This was perfect. There were no spelling or grammatical errors. Your story flowed smoothly. And to top it all off, the ending was a bit of a cliff hanger. Who or what killed the dragon? If this is just an intro, I can imagine what the chapters will be like.

You're gonna continue this, right? Right?

Hey timmyjake!! Silver here to review your introduction!
First of all congratulations on such a well written piece! It was really good. No grammar or spelling problems and your structure was great. It also had and interesting plot and you had great descriptions to hold the reader's interest. I'm just a little confused, on the dragon's side who's fighting? Is it men as well? If it is hope that at some point you explain why they would be fighting for a dragon against their own species. If not then what are they? Apart from that I thought that this was a brilliant introduction, well written and very interesting. Can't wait for the next parts! Happy writing!!

Silverlock

Ooh, goody! I'm first to review.

I thought this introduction was really, really good. It held my interest and left me wanting more. It was intricate and nicely written, had a good flow, and all around a fun read. It has a lot of promise and I believe it'll make a great novel if you can maintain the same pace. Also, no grammar issues or punctuation problems that I could see, which is a win in itself.

Good work!