Trako hated running with a passion. Fleeing from danger, escaping the clutches of his enemy. He preferred to stand and face them off, showing them he wasn’t afraid. That he never would be.
But things rarely worked out that way. The entirety of his day seemed to be filled with things he didn’t really feel like doing. Running from danger and school were only a few of the many calamities he faced during the daylight hours.
Night was even worse.
A brief summary of an average night: Run for a few hours on roads, rooftops—everything. Fitfully sleep for a little while before having to take to the road again, putting as much distance between him and his pursuers.
The scrolvs.
The name sent shivers down his back. The creatures that killed his parents so long ago. The creatures that followed him wherever he went, in the hope they could kill him. The creatures that were as cold-blooded and evil as the one who commanded them.
They hadn’t caught onto his most recent ploy—not yet. Instead of beginning the night on the ground, he climbed to a rooftop in the hope that it would slow them down. So far it had. He hadn’t seen nor heard them in hours, a record for him.
The sun had set behind the horizon a long time before, but there was still plenty of light to see. The city before him was so bright—so superbly illuminated by the millions of bulbs glaring before him—that he could see everything that happened down below. He could see people from all walks of life going to their homes for the night or even heading out, something he didn’t recommend.
It was common knowledge that it was extremely dangerous to be out after dark. He knew that too, but had no choice.
He was alone.
The one thing that separated him from the rest of the world more than anything else, the entire human race. Everyone had someone they could rely on, a place of refuge where they could hide out or seek advice—something. His only place of refuge were the rooftops of Parinol. And sometimes they weren’t very cordial to him, either.
But at least he had chosen the right roof tonight. He remembered previous times when he was caught in the commercial side of town, beyond the interstate that cut the city in half. There were a limited amount of buildings that had an accessible roof. That had proved near catastrophic when he had been trapped on a roof, with no way to get down save for directly into the scrolv’s eager arms.
Sweat rolled off his temple, tracing its way slowly down his cheek. He lifted his hand and wiped the sweat off with a frown. Sweating already? The night hadn’t even begun.
A sound echoed from the alley to his right and he spun around instantly—his eyes searching before his mind processed everything.
The outline of the alley, the run-down store front whose neon lights seemed out of place. The trash bins that leaned against the graffiti stained buildings. Litter and garbage covering the ground like a multi-colored mulch. Nothing escaped his gaze.
But no one was there.
His body relaxed, but his mind remained acute to the sounds of the street. After years of self-conditioning, he was always on the watch. Even without actually thinking about danger, he was always on the lookout for it.
He continued to keep an eye on the street, but he allowed himself to wander. The alley below wasn’t the only place where scrolvs loved to wait.
He stood up and walked around on the flat roof. It was bone dry, thanks to the Gorgos desert that surrounded the city, giving them no rain, no green—only sand. That helped him walk soundlessly. He was pleased about that at first because it helped him become more inconspicuous, but then he remembered that whatever advantage it gave to him was also given to the scrolvs.
If he was quiet while walking on it, so were they.
He took his attention off the street. They weren’t attacking from there. Something just told him so. A hunch, gut feeling—whatever he wanted to call it. He just knew.
A sound to his left alerted him once again, attentive once more. No, more than one sound. Many sounds. The skitter of feet that he heard when someone heavy attempted to remain silent. He tried to distinguish the noises, to break them up and determine how many of them there were.
If there was only one scrolv, he could handle it without running. But more than one? Not an option. With all the time and experience he had spent fighting the monsters, he knew when he was outmatched.
He wasn’t completely defenseless, though.
Trako opened his hand and a spark danced across his palm. The spark morphed into a stream of flame, circling his hand like a whirlwind, until it died out in a plume of smoke that caught the breeze.
A blessing to help him defeat the scrolvs?
End of chapter
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140,489 Literary Works • 673,249 Reviews
Thank you for this wonderful review, Jumpy! <3 They're always so helpful. Don't underestimate the scrolvs, though. Nu-uh. I'll get into them as the book continues on, but sadly this is third-person limited, so I can only give you what Trako knows. >.<
Your reviews just keep getting better and better. Thank you for them. They're awesome, and so are youuu. <3
There is a difference between the scrolvs and the orcs. A big difference. But I am still not sure if I am going to keep them in the story or not. Because fantasy always has to have that "monster warriors" and I am trying to avoid all cliche. Like, I had dragons in the book, and as of two days ago... they're being taken out. And one more thing: Reverse the name of scrolvs. sclorcs hmmm. See even the name resemblance?
Thanks timmy! <3
Yeah. If they were necessary to the story you wanted to tell then keep them in. I think I touched a nerve, and if I did, I apologize.
They're necessary in a way, but I think I could take actual people and accomplish the same thing. Which would be better, I think.
You touched a nerve which has needed touching for a long while. Gosh, in the past three days, I have decided to remove the dragons, remove the scrolvs, and remove 60 pages of the beginning. Legend of the Scale is about to change. Big Time. I am three and a half years into this thing now, with 400,000 words. What's one more draft? xD
Hey there, timmyjake! I've finally made it to the piece you asked me to review~ On this, our fine review day~
First, I have to say wow. Your writing is really awesome. It's clear, it's straightforward, it's simple and yet you get across the information you want to share without getting bogged down in cutting out too many or including too many words. I like it, because it meant it was really easy for me to get set in the scene and start wondering about the reality of this situation.
Obviously, I first want to know what a scrolv looks like. And you mentioned someone commanding them -- who is that, and why do they dislike the main character? Why does the main character have no one to look out for him? And why does every single other person in the city? Usually, there are quite a few people who are all on their own in a city -- maybe the rest of their family died, they were separated, or they just are anti-social. How do those people stay safe from the scrolvs? Are there no people who are too poor to have shelter? I wonder about all these realistic questions because having quick answers to them bolsters the reality of the world you're trying to create.
I liked the detail of the sand and the desert, especially how the main character remembered that his benefits were not just his own, but also those of his enemies. I'd like to hear more about the texture of a city in a desert. What does sand sound like? What special features does a desert city have that a "regular" city wouldn't? You can research real desert cities to bolster the reality of your story here, too.
And I also wonder how this person gets around. Are they really good at jumping and stuff, like parkour people, or is he just a regular person who always has to run and climb up stairwells to roofs, etc.?
Lots of questions, and lots of questions are good since this is the first chapter, right. I hope to see the answers to these in the next!
If you have any questions or comments about my review, PM me or reply to this review~
Good luck and keep writing!
Hannah
Thanks for your review, Hannah.
OOHHHH... Thanks for pointing that out with the "being alone"
And more description on the sand and desert city? Coming up...
Hey! I'm rusty on reviewing, so heads up, there'll be strangely-phrased phrasings in abundance.
I love this. You've really established your style. Solid and fluid, which I don't suppose makes sense. I just can't begin conveying my admiration over the even flow, the voice, and the fragments, paragraph breaks, italics, and dialogue, all of which contributed a little additional zing.
My compliments are getting repetitive. I guess it'd be more helpful to dissect the piece and pick out specific details, but I'm afraid it'd break the spell. Like when the teachers hand you Shakespeare to analyze. I wish I could start/end my reviews with "never stop writing or you'll have a very angry GoldFlame", but it wouldn't be a review then, however honest it is.
Nitpicks!
I don't know what the term is, but it's something along the lines of preposition inconsistency. Easy mend: " ... face them off, to show he wasn't afraid."
The summary launches with imperative clauses, second person POV ("you understood"), and concludes with declarative clauses, third person POV. I'd suggest, or at least something vaguely along the lines of: "Here's how the average night elapsed: running a few hours across roads, rooftops, and stuff-that-wasn't-roads-and-rooftops; catching an unsatisfying nap before taking to the road again; and running, running, running some more, putting as much distance as he could between him and his pursuers."
I played around with fluency a bit. But I wouldn't suggest taking my suggestion; it echoes the beginning, installs redundancy. I'd think it best if you clipped everything before the summary, but that's just my personal opinion, a suggestion on how to promote fluency.
There's likely some technical term for this, but the second sentence didn't correspond with the first. Or rather, fragments function best if they correspond with the previous sentence: "The name sent shivers down his back. It belonged to the creatures that'd killed his parents." (I clipped "so long ago" because it was an obstacle in the fluency.)
Should be "he'd" or "he had."
I love the "something he didn't recommend". It gives a nice ominous touch. But it's second person POV. The reader can only conclude that Trako's not recommending this to them.
There's no need for the comma, as this doesn't qualify as a compound sentence. But considering the word "too," leave it there and insert another before "too."
I didn't know whether to mention this or not, but I figured I would, since it snagged my attention on my initial reading. Adjectives don't qualify as things. You can, however, transform them into abstract nouns or replace the article, like so: "He was alone. [paragraph break] And it was this fact that separated him ... "
This is a great premise for your novel. I'm curious about the scrolvs, Trako's parents, and his world, and there's just something unique to the atmosphere that sucks me in. Like Deanie, I don't have any criticism toward the story itself. Everything's perfect; everything's developing well and evenly.
Sorry for the delay. I wish I could make my review longer, but I can't give much feedback. Keep it up! Looking forward to more!
Thank you so much, Goldy!! I love your review, like always.
I don't know if I will post any more from my book here yet. But I wanted to post this because I knew that I needed a strong beginning.
Thanks for the nitpicks. Will fix them.
No problem!
Heya Timmy
This was pretty hard to review because all I could find were nitpicks... so I hope I think of something worthy of helping as well when I get through them 
I liked the new twist we get to meeting Trako... now that he has powers! I hope it is just one scrolv on it's own so we can go see what his powers are like and how he can use them! Maybe it will be more than one and it will be back to running... There was one point where I really loved the description...
<3 The multi-coloured mulch was definitely the best bit.
Now on to the nitpicks!
Hours and... hours
Hmm... the creatures that had killed his parents?
I didn't really appreciate the repetition here and it sounded a little bit awkward. Maybe you should put it as 'That was the one thing that separated him most from the rest of the world, even the human race.'
Maybe use 'were' instead of 'was'.
Hm, is the previous chapter you posted in this not counting anymore? Because then I would think Arak would be his person for this?
Anything seemed a little weird for the (brilliant) description you gave afterwards. Maybe everything would be more suitable?
What? I am pretty sure no one can be written just as I did ^.^
I feel like the word 'advantage' is missed out here.
Shouldn't that be one scrolv?
Nice ending to this part of the chapter
What I think you did well here was avoid info dumps because that is pretty difficult to do when it comes to the beginning of stories since you want the reader to know everything necessary and get on with the story. Also, you quickly and appropriately gave us an impression of his daily life without droning on and on
I don't really have much criticism for the actual story itself because this was fab, and I am looking forwards to when I get to read moreeee. I hope this was useful in some way ^.^
Deanie x
Thanks for the review, Livvy!!
You will understand why it was a question in the part 2 of the chapter.
Nitpicks taken under consideration. Fixing them will begin momentarily.
Thanks again!!!
I cannot wait for your next chapter!!!!
I think this will be really interesting, and I love your main character's name. I don't know what the scrolvs are, and I can't wait to find out. I so excited to know why they killed his parents and why they're trying to kill him to. It's so suspenseful, and then you added magic. It's now like so through the roof.
I like the fact that you described how the fire moved. I'd like to know if he's able to control the fire, though. I also like that you described the night in Parinol and the lights.
One recommendation:
with no way to get down save for directly into the scrolv’s eager arms.
May I suggest a comma before save?
I'm really excited for the book and I think it'll be good. Good job!
Thank you so much! Nitpick taken care of.