Legend of The Scale, Ch. 1 Trako

Author's note: So yeah. I published a work with a similar beginning a while ago, and this is the revised/continued piece. It's twice as long, and is just me experimenting with beginnings.

Trako hated running with a passion. Fleeing from danger, escaping the clutches of his enemy. He preferred to stand and face them off, showing them he wasn’t afraid. That he never would be.

Things rarely worked out that way. The entirety of his day seemed to be filled with stuff he didn’t feel like doing. Running from danger and school were only a few of the many calamities he faced during the daylight hours.

Night was even worse.

A brief summary of his average night: Run for a few hours on roads, rooftops—everything. Fitfully sleep for a while before having to take to the road again, putting as much distance between him and his pursuers.

The scrolvs.

The name sent shivers down his back. It belonged to the creatures who'd killed his parents. The creatures that followed him wherever he went, in the hope they could kill him. The creatures that were as cold-blooded and evil as the one who commanded them.

They hadn’t caught onto his most recent ploy—not yet. Instead of beginning the night on the ground, he climbed to a rooftop in the hope that it would slow them down. So far it had. He hadn’t seen nor heard them in hours, a record for him.

The sun had set behind the horizon a long time before, but there was still plenty of light to see. The city before him was so bright—so superbly illuminated by the millions of bulbs glaring before him—that he could see everything that happened down below. He could see people from all walks of life going to their homes for the night or even heading out. Something he didn’t recommend.

It was common knowledge that it was dangerous to be out after dark. He knew that too, but had no choice.

He was alone.

The one thing that separated him from the rest of the world more than anything else, the entire human race. Everyone had someone they could rely on, a place of refuge where they could hide out or seek advice—something. His only place of refuge were the rooftops of Parinol. And sometimes they weren’t very cordial to him, either.

Sweat rolled off his temple, tracing its way slowly down his cheek. He lifted his hand and wiped the sweat off with a frown. Sweating already? The night hadn’t even begun.

A sound echoed from the alley to his right and he spun around instantly—his eyes searching before his mind processed everything. The outline of the alley, the run-down store front whose neon lights seemed out of place. The trash bins that leaned against the graffiti stained buildings. Litter and garbage covering the ground like a multi-colored mulch. Nothing escaped his gaze.

But no one was there.

His body relaxed, but his mind remained acute to the sounds of the street. After years of self-conditioning, he was always on the watch. Even without actually thinking about danger, he was always on the lookout for it.

He continued to keep an eye on the street, but he allowed himself to wander. The alley below wasn’t the only place where scrolvs loved to wait.

He stood up and walked around on the flat roof. It was bone dry, thanks to the Gorgos desert surrounding the city, giving them no rain, no green—only sand. Sand in everything, down his clothes, inside his shoes grating against his toes, pelting the streets in endless barrages of tan. Annoying was the least word to be applied to that horrid stuff. That helped him walk soundlessly. He was pleased about that at first because it helped him become more inconspicuous, but then he remembered that whatever advantage it gave to him was also given to the scrolvs.

If he was quiet while walking on it, so were they.

He took his attention off the street. They weren’t attacking from there. Something just told him so. A hunch, gut feeling—whatever he wanted to call it. He just knew.

A sound to his left alerted him once again, and he was attentive once more. No, more than one sound. Many sounds. The skitter of feet he heard when someone heavy attempted to remain silent. He tried to distinguish the noises, to break them up and determine how many of them there were.

Impossible. The sounds muddled together in one uniform noise. Footprints. Just footprints. It was a messenger of what was to come soon, a precursor of the terror he knew would follow if he didn’t take action.

The street below was unoccupied. Alleys were things to be avoided—darkness clouding over anything lurking around, and the heavy smell of chemical smoke. A stench so potent and putrid, it left you gasping for clean air.

Disgusting or not, he had to get down there. But one small issue confronted him, and no matter how he looked at it—there was only one angle he could. Down—he couldn’t see a way to get to the alley. Since he had places himself so beautifully on the rooftop to see the picturesque sand of Parinol, and since the ladder he had used was far behind (probably thrown down by the scrolvs in their mad rush to go after him), he was without a way off the roof. Perfect.

He continued on, the footsteps not slowing but approaching as stealthily as they had before. In this section of Parinol, he knew he could walk on for hours and never reach the end of the rooftop. Normally, he would have loved this because it meant he could walk on and on, never paying attention to time nor trouble. But today…. Today it posed a serious issue.

It meant he would have to run till he reached the end of the stringing rooftops, or until the scrolvs caught him. He hoped for the first, dreaded the second—but still considered the latter the more plausible ending for the night.

There were other solutions to the issue, and he could deal with them by—

No. He shook his head in a vain attempt to clear his mind of any violent tendencies—there were too many to count—and focus on escape rather than battle. But he couldn’t ignore the obvious. He couldn’t ignore the easy solution, even if it meant an exhausting night for him—and a few smoldering corpses on the alley floor by morning.

He opened his hand and a spark danced across his palm. The spark morphed into a stream of flame, circling his hand like a whirlwind until he allowed a puff of wind to blow it out, tendrils of smoke floating away into the night. Beautiful, but so deadly.

He bit his lip. “It is nothing more than they deserve,” he muttered. The words were for himself, but he said them loud enough for anyone close to hear—if anyone would care to listen. Scrolvs would, he knew. But he didn’t care.

“Come for me, then.” His voice grew with every word. Surely, the scrolvs would hear his voice and come for him. Surely, the flame had brought their attention to him and his ability.

From the distance, he could now see the scrolvs approaching. The night sky lent no light to the situation, as they were seemingly extinguished by the great manmade stars of Parinol—those millions of bulbs glaring out at Trako’s night activity—something everyone, including him, knew was forbidden.

But ten o’clock curfews were for people with homes. Or at least, that was how Trako rationalized it in his mind. And apparently the scrolvs did so, as well.

The scrolv’s faces were now illuminated by fluorescents, their hideous faces sneering back at Trako. He knew anyone who had never seen one before would scream, possibly faint—from either fright or sudden exposure to ugliness, he wasn’t sure. But he had seen them before. He saw them every night, both during his escapes and in his nightmares afterward.

Even their shadows were daunting, tall and wide, but their actual bodies made even the bravest doubt their decisions and loyalty. If it weren’t for the disfigured features—the face that looked like a soccer ball, after being in a fight with one too many dogs, and huge, lumpy ears shaped like an O—they may have looked like oversize people. But their eyes finished destroying the possibility of fitting in with the rest of humanity. They were bloodshot and cruel, not seeming to have a pupil but more of a single crimson color, making their eyes look like molten lava. Their gaze felt like that, too. Scorching. Tattoos covered all visible skin, and were no doubt scattered all over the body, even in places untalked about, Trako was sure. It seemed like their way. Huge biceps seeming as big as his entire leg strained on their plain tee-shirts, making their arms look like lumpy balloons.

In a word, they were one thing: Scrolvs.

They were twenty yards from him now, in plain sight. Their weapons glinted in their hands all too clearly, a battle-axe held by each of them. He was grateful there were only two—so far, at least. He knew he could handle that many. Probably.

“What do you want?” He kept his voice low and monotone, allowing no emotions to leak through. None of his intense hate to show itself via speech. Let that be reserved for their bodies.

“We only want to kill you. Nothing more,” a scrolv said. “If you would be so kind as to lower the weapon, we would be very grateful.”

“Lower the weapon? What wea—” He felt something in his hand, and glanced down. A single spire of flame burned in his hand, interwoven through his fingers. A steely blaze eager to be used. “Oh,” he said, and lunged forward.

Comments & reviews · 5
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User avatar
FireBird99
Review

Hey FireBird99 here for a review!

So I decided since I really enjoyed Affinity then I should start on your next book. This time I chose the one that has a never ending supply of chapters. Or at least with 120,000 words I would imagine so. Congratulations on that by the way. Here I am all excited because I have 12,000 words xD. I've been writing since I was 10 and I have never been able to pass 20,000 words with a book, but then again I haven't been diligent with my writing. Its only been this past year or two that I've started up again. I think YWS has helped me though because I am determined to finish The Rise of the Fallen. It WILL be finished.

I'll admit that the first work of this book that I clicked on was 'Legend of the Scale' and when I was reading it, it was interesting but my mind wandered...a lot. Than I saw one that said 'Legend of the Scale, Ch. 1 Trako' and figured that this one was the first one? I hope so because I'm reviewing this one first.... :P

I really like the length of your works, not because your novel is boring and not very promising (Its quite the opposite actually :)), but because when I read your book I am usually reading it on my breaks from school or work so its just the right amount of reading. It also helps because then when I review, its not sooooo long that my mind gets bogged and I don't know where to start with my pointers. (Not that I'm very good at pointing out your mistakes. I think I'm one of those people that are 'gushy, make you feel good' reviewers xD).

I was curious, what era is this in? It kind of sounds like its in the medieval times or older day time but then you mentioned school and it kind of threw me off. Yes, back then they did have school of sorts but I think the actual word 'school' is kind of modern term for it, if you ask me. If your novel is in the medieval times or something than you could swap it to college or university....(its just a suggestion :))

I like Trako so far. He seems to know what he is doing and he seems to be able to defend himself. Since this is the first chapter I won't say much about him because I'm still getting a feel for his character.

Scrolv....that is an interesting name. When I read the name for the first time it felt so dangerous and mysterious. I think you might have made them a little smarter in this chapter than in the original chapter. That's good. The main enemy can have dull minions but you don't want them to be so dumb that the main enemy looks ridiculous for hiring them. Just something to keep in mind....

I always had a pretty good visualization of what your character was doing and what his surroundings were. I didn't get overloaded with information either. In fact I was fed just enough info to keep me going and want more. It was as if I were reading a real published book, one of these days I'll be reading this book and it will be a published book. I even have the honor of reading it before it is released to the world. I have high hopes for you xD.

In a way it was kind of nice. You weren't writing in first person so I could relate to your writing and sometimes learn from it. So no more mistakes because I am learning from you! No pressure :P.

I think this is all I can think of writing. Keep writing and never give up!
Fire

Thank youuu for yet another amazing review, Annie! <3 Yes, you are a "feel good" reviewer, but that's just as helpful as the kind of reviewers who nitpick. Because this helps me write more and more and moreee.
This is actually an early draft, too. :) I've re-written it since then, as well. heehee

Yes, third person. You do it in third person, too?

Your welcome. As long as I help. I know that feeling. I re-wrote and re-wrote over and over again. I just about got sick of my beginning.

Yes, I do =).

This book was originally in first person, and the first two drafts were in it. I switched to third person so I could bring in the perspective of other characters. Never looked back. xd

I'm working on a piece for you nowwww.

Awesome! I can't wait to read it. Wow that would have taken a lot of work. Nice job!

User avatar
Pretzelstick
Review

Heya Timmy, pretzelsing here for a review, I have read the newest version of this chapter, and I know you are experimenting with these so I am here to give my feedback on all of them. I don't like to compare writings(that's is just a rule of mine) even if they are the same chapter so I just won't.
Here is my legend for the nitpicks:(this is my first experiment review doing this-so I hope it works out-so please just bare along with me)
Brown~Removal
Blue~Correction
Purple~Addition
Green~Suggestion

Trako hated running with a passion.


Why did he hate to run with passion? I mean, isn't that what running is supposed to be about?Every activity that you do, even if this is for survival should be with passion.

That he would never would be.


I think that switching would to the beginning of the sentence makes it flow much better. This is just a suggestion,but I think that you could do your own test. Read the sentence out loud both ways and see which way you prefer.

The night hadn’t even begun.


Wasn't it "technically" nighttime since before you mentioned that people were going outside their houses, which was dangerous for them at night. So the sun had set, in my mind, a picture of this scene/chapter, it is nightime.

Annoying was the least last word to be applied to that horrid stuff. That helped him walk soundlessly.


In this sentence about the sand being "annoying" you said that was the least/last word to be applied to that. In the next sentence you are contradicting yourself and saying: "Oh the sand is annoying but it helps me) :/ So do you find the sand useful or not?

but then he remembered that whatever advantage it gave to him was also given to the scrolvs.


Isn't that kind of obvious? Sand was everywhere in this city, where the scrolvs lived and where Trako lived. How long did it take him to realize this(I realized this in the sentence before ;))

giving them no rain(only a few inches a year), no green (except the cacti that grew all around & the cultivated house plants)—only sand.


This is kind of hard to believe, because in the most dry of deserts, some plants do adapt and grow. For example, cactus, and perhaps hardy shrubs(and many many other). What about plants that people tend themselves in their house? >.> Same thing with rain, even if a little bit(couple inches per year)it has to rain everywhere for life to function & grow.Actually describing all of this gives us a better mental picture.

pretzelsing wrote:Since he had placed himself so beautifully on the rooftop to see the picturesque sand of Parinol, and since(.) The ladder he had used was far behind him(,)probably thrown down by the scrolvs in their mad rush to go after him. He was without a way off the roof.


This sentence got kind of long & confusing, especially since there were parenthesis that interrupted your line of thought.I fixed it a little bit but you should go back to the original & compare and see which one you like better. Here is the original one:(it's in the spoiler)

Spoiler
TimmyJake wrote:Since he had places himself so beautifully on the rooftop to see the picturesque sand of Parinol, and since the ladder he had used was far behind (probably thrown down by the scrolvs in their mad rush to go after him), he was without a way off the roof.


—those millions of bulbs glaring out at Trako’s night activity—something everyone, including him, knew was forbidden.


You really don't need to write this "including him" part because I know that he knows that it's forbidden, since he already mentioned it several times.

They were twenty yards from him now in plain sight of him.


I tell this to all writers, but I personally don't really have a good eye/mind with this length(like for example here: twenty yards)and because of that no mental image conjures in my mind. Unless this helps you imagine it, I would suggest just getting rid of the "twenty yards" because honestly, they aren't really needed here.

He was grateful there were only two—so far. at least.


I would suggest choosing one of the phrases: "at least" or "so far" because really only one of these is needed here; the other one will cloud it up. I will choose "so far" as an example here, but the decision remains up to you.

The last sentence:
A steely blaze eager to be used. “Oh,” he said, and lunged forward.


What an awesome cliffhanger! I think that it was reaaaallly great and it left me on the edge of my seat, wanting to read the next chapter. ;)

Here is just one question from me:

“We only want to kill you. Nothing more,” a scrolv said.


Why do they want to kill Trako? What did he ever do to them? I mean, the scrolvs already killed his parents, making him an orhpan. What more could they want, and why would Trako's life ended be useful? Now I have to tell you, you need to have a reason or a back-story(even if it revealed later in the story). This shouldn't be just because, so that your plot/story could be furthered and that the readers could sense adventure. Do you see what I mean,Timmy?

Thaaaaaank you so much for writing a paragraph on description about how the scrolvs looked like.:3 I imagined them a little bit differently, but then when I read and reread that paragraph about how they looked like.

Tattoos covered all visible skin, and were no doubt scattered all over the body, even in places not talked untalked about, Trako was sure.


I honestly don't think that you need that last phrase: "Trako was sure" because it kind of just ruins the effect of the scary all-over-body tattoos. If he is narrating this story, we feel pretty sure that he knows what he is seeing ;) Also,correct me if I am worng, but untalked isn't a word in the English language :) Maybe substitute it for "not talked."

I liiked this a lot, and I really would like to see another chapter posted here. Anyways, that's it from me, I hope that this review truly helped your writing improve.If you have any questions feel free to reply below.

KEEP ON WRITING!

Image

Whoo! (Hopefully this will become a reviewing fashion.) :D

Thank you for this review, Pretzel. <333 The experiment you did was wonderful! The only thing that could improve upon it is if you brightened the tan color. Sometimes it was difficult to make out what was said.
Anywho, this is the best review I've received from you, and so so helpful. <3 The scrolvs have changed a bit since I wrote this chapter (I think I wrote this one about, ah, six months ago?), but mostly everything has remained the same except for the setting and, of course, the writing. Nevertheless, this really helps me. ^.^
Thanks, again!

Np, Timmy. I will probably change the pink=removal color to another brighter color(like brown or something) to make it more clear .I will go and edit it in and change that.:)

Glad to be of help!

User avatar
Deanie
Review
Deanie wrote a review · Thu Sep 11, 2014 4:49 pm

Hai Timmy!

It was about time I had something of yours to review again. I feel like all you do is review things for me xD I am also sorry for takings so long to do this >< School and all that jazz, you know.

I remember the original version of this because who could possibly forget LOTS? I think this was a much better version as well! I liked the ending of the chapter ;) I also really liked the descriptions of the scrolvs and even though they don't sound like very nice creatures to come across, it does make me wonder how they could be so brutally honest and ugly. What do they want with Trako? I guess I can only know by reading more chapters. Trako certainly doesn't live a life I would like though :P Far too much running! Better to leave that to the Trako's and the Timmy's of the world...

Running from danger and school were only a few of the many calamities he faced during the daylight hours


I wonder when this guy finds to sleep ;) I mean, really, if he's up all night running for his life, and then running sometimes in the day and trying to get to school for the average 7 hours a day... nope, not much time for sleeping at all!

Also, I can't really believe he goes to school! If he's constantly in danger, isn't he just causing the school danger as well. And once the head or something sees the misfortune befalling his school is all down to Trako... well, who would blame the head person for kicking him out? I just felt it kind of out of place and also unrealistic for him to be going to school? Usually people on the run are doing just that... running. Not really come back to the same place every day ;) Unless this is some special school...

He could see people from all walks of life going to their homes for the night or even heading out. Something he didn’t recommend.


Walks of life? Do you mean all ages or something like that? Also, from this sentence I don't understand which one her doesn't recommend. Using common sense I assume he doesn't advise people to go out in the dark, but you could make this a little clearer :D

He was alone.

The one thing that separated him from the rest of the world more than anything else, the entire human race.


Seeing as that sentence was a one paragraph thing, I didn't relate it at all to the next sentence. Which left me wondering, what was it that separated him from the entire human race? I know you kind of wanted that sentence to run on from the previous one, but it didn't work out that way when reading it. I would suggest you make this a full sentence ;) Something like: The one thing that separated him from the rest of the human race more than any else, was his isolation.

Sweat rolled off his temple, tracing its way slowly down his cheek. He lifted his hand and wiped the sweat off with a frown. Sweating already?


Whoa, we get the word 'sweat' in three different ways in three consecutive sentences! Having it twice isn't too bad. In the second sentence, seeing as the reader already knows what you are referring to, how about we make the second 'sweat' an 'it' instead?

Annoying was the least word to be applied to that horrid stuff.


Hm :/ I get the meaning but this sentence is a little bit confusing. I've tried to reword it to still have the same meaning?

Suggestion: Annoying was a word that didn't even begin to justify the horrid stuff.

Since he had places himself so


*placed

The scrolv’s faces were now illuminated by fluorescents, their hideous faces sneering back at Trako.


Oh, we have the word faces in this sentence twice now! I don't know what you would use instead, but I am sure you can think of something. Even if you make the beginning of the sentence something like 'The scrolvs were now illuminated... etc' and that way we just use faces once.

As for character, plot and style, all of that is absolutely perfect! Honestly, the only thing I could correct were some technical things here and there. Other than that, it's a brilliant opening to a book and I know I would still be reading after this.

Please give me more to read...

Keep writing this awesome stuff ^.^

Deanie x

Yayyy! You found a lot of the redundancy and stuff. :P And you did awesome. Thank you, Livvy. You're awesome. <3<3 I wonder why so many mistakes in this piece. Timmy is failing. :(
Even I think this one is mucho better than last one. :P

This one IS much better than the last one :D And I think your writing is getting tons better! Every work has room for improvement :D

User avatar
Harker
Review
Harker wrote a review · Fri Sep 05, 2014 12:41 am

This is a great piece--I really like how you stopped occasionally and put important/emphasized phrases on a different line. The plotting of the chapter is very solid, you can picture it in a way that makes sense.

One thing about the first line ("Trako hated running with a passion.") This is a very interesting first sentence, but it's kind of awkward to start out with. I'm definitely not great with grammar, but I think it's grammatically correct… that's not the problem. The thing is, I interpreted it as Trako hated whenever he had a passion and he was running. Does that make any sense? Probably not. I would just suggest changing the phrasing (I'm just ranting now, pay no attention to this if you don't understand what I'm babbling about. :P)

Also, I'm not sure if someone said this, but if you could describe both Trako and the Scrolvs a little more, this beginning would be perfect. Great job, and don't pay attention to my ranting! :D

-IronSpark

Thanks for the review! I totally understand and will work on that sentence. :D

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MissGangamash
Review

This is a wonderful start. Your writing style is superb.

I like how you described the setting as Trako moved around and not just info-dumping. There was no description of Trako himself though, and I feel that should be included. How old is he? What colour hair does he have? Just simple things like that would help the reader have a clearer image of what is going on :) I personally saw him with silvery-white hair...I don't know why :P

Also possibly include minor details about the scrolvs before they are actually introduced, rather than just saying that they are evil. I know it has a big effect to describe them as they appear but seeing as though they haunt Trako's nightmares, I think it would work well to maybe drop hints to how they look as he is searching for them. Maybe say that he was looking for their burning red eyes in the darkness, or something like that. I think it would build the tension up better. Because, to me, as he was searching, I was sort of like, 'what exactly is he looking for?' Because I didn't know what scrolvs were. (Love the name by the way, very cool)

I like how you introduced Trako's abilities towards the end, it makes me want to know more about him as I just thought he was a normal human at first.

By the way, have you ever seen I Am Number Four? This reminded me of that.

Anywayyyy, all in all, I thought this was a great piece. I hope you continue with it, it shows great promise :)

Thanks for the review! very helpful. :)



I'll make sure nobody unauthorized runs off with the chamber pot, sir.
— Kaladin (Words of Radiance by Brandon Sanderson)