It echoes, echoes, echoes
The sound of an exhaust
As the gusty wind blows
A legacy can be heard blowing with it
Memories continue, carried by the wind you rode in
The winds of eternity, continue forever
Inspiration, you brought to us all
Forget you we shall never
A star filled night sky, amazing it is
Them stars so far away after all
But if all them stars were given a number
58 would be brightest of all.
As I walk through a field, poppy rich it was
A gust of wind gives me chill
The winds of eternity brought me a thought
The sound of a racing exhaust
The wind calms down, and warmer it gets
Cheering fans, we will never rest
As the memories of all cheering fans
Are shared by the wind across the lands
A group of numbered bikes stood before a start line, but bike 58 stood out from them all.
The gust wind carried 58 poppies across the land which it picked from the field.
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Fifty-eight. I wonder where you picked (no pun intended) that number from. Anyway, onto my speed-review!
Gummy's the name, reviewing's my game! Today I'm going to review "58 Poppies", by Emotion1405.
I liked the simple rhyme scheme and how the number 58 relates to everything that happens in the piece. I also enjoyed the symbolism of the wind. What I didn't like as much was the disparity between the sizes of the lines, particularly in the last two.
All in all, this is a great piece with lots of symbolism and imagery. I'm glad I got the chance to read it. As always, take care, keep writing, and remember that practice is key!
Hi! I'm going to review your lovely poem
The first thing I have to get off my chest is that after reading it once, I had to read it a second and third time in order to get an understanding of what you are trying to say. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, the writing is just similar to stream of consciousness and therefore very difficult to understand. I don't know if that's what you meant to do, but, if you didn't, you could work on clarity, natural pauses, and complete pauses after a dramatic point.
Second, I enjoyed the imagery. It was almost a narrative, but much more descriptive. I agree with one of the reviewers below that I didn't really get the meaning of the 58 poppies, although I'm glad you chose poppies because that flower represents death, the fallen, and more specifically people who have died in war, which is why I loved the line "as a gusty wind blows, a legacy can be heard blowing with it." It seems like you're giving tribute to someone who has either disappeared or been lost by this (seemingly) tight-knit community. Although, I think you could emphasize the point of the 58 with the motorcycle, perhaps by detailing the number, what it looked like, on the motorcycle and how painful it is for people to see that number, or being in the stands of a race and feeling the absence of number 58, because "a group of numbered bikes stood before a start line, but bike 58 stood out from them all" sort of seems like 58 is still there. I don't know, if you need me to clarify, please feel free to ask me.
Overall, it's a nice poem, but it does require some work.
Keep writing,
Dianne E.C.E.
Timmyjake here to write you a review on Review Day!
So this was really good! It seems to focus on everything 58, but also everything that is connected to those things you mentioned. Bikes in a race, cheering fans. Poppies, wind across the land.
I will just hit a few nitpicks that I have!
Those two lines mention blow. Winds blow, sure, but legacy? And even if blowing worked with legacy, I think it would be best to use some other word to avoid using blowing twice in two lines.
That line makes sense, but doesn't seem to flow very well. "The wind calms down the warmer it gets?" Maybe that was what you were trying to say.
That line is another that doesn't flow for me. Maybe, "We shall never forget what you've done?"
I think that's all I have to critique on this! It was really good! I liked how it was 58 every time and putting in so many natural things along with the bike 58 added a lot to it. Hope this review helped a bit!
~Timmyjake
Hello there, here for a review.
This was a nice poem, however it was a bit confusing to me since I don't understand what (or who) the number 58 represents.
I really like the imagery and the scenery you showed through your words.
These were my favorite verses of the poem:
I like how you say that a legacy can be carried through the wind, and how you can ride the wind.
But there are also some things that can probably be improved.
First of all, punctuation. You write commas but no periods, so the reader has to figure out by himself when the sentence is ending and the new one is beginning, and that slows down the flow a bit.
Secondly, syntax wasn't that good in some parts (syntax doesn't really matter in poetry, but your story could flow better if you improved that). You seem to have changed the structure of some verses to make it seem fancier, but you are merely slowing down the reading and the pace of the piece changes. For example:
The second part, especially, is what bothers me. To start with, the comma probably shouldn't be there, since afterwards you aren't continuing the beginning of the line, so it should all go together. Also, you can't really say what you said, unless you add a "with" before poppies, for example. Writing "poppies" first might be to give the reader a first impression of the poppies in the field, as to make it easier for the reader to imagine it, yet I think that the flow is more important here. Therefore, you could write something like:
Or,
That is one of the ways you could improve that, and other sentences.
Something else is that you write your poem in a formal register of language and then in a more familiar way.
Here you could try changing "them" with "the". I don't know whether you did it on purpose, but if you did not, then you could try changing that.
That is all I have to say, and I don't want this review to be too long. But good job, and keep writing.
-Alfonso
This was beautiful.
The imagery and the sensory details were just stunning. It feels like a poem I can just float away on. I love the repetition of a seemingly random number (though I'm sure it holds some significance to you).
There are a few places that I fell could be made better though.
The last two lines seem abnormally long. if that was intentional, by all means keep it, but I think you can divide them in half to keep normality.
Also, the lack of end punctuation confused me a bit. At first I read this poem really fast, straight through and I loved it to death, but when I went back and tried to figure out its deeper meaning, I found I couldn't do it. If you are trying to have a poem where the meaning can be deciphered, then try to punctuate it a little better. Punctuation doesn't have to be correct, but it should add to the flow of the poem. Also, in case you didn't know, not every line in a poem has to have a capital letter, regardless of what Shakespeare or Microsoft Word or your English teacher says. That also doesn't mean that you can't have every line capitalized. You get to do what you want.
There were also a few parts that just seemed like they were worded strangely to me. These are those parts: (careful! these are nit-picks!)
okay, so I notice you have a lot of saying one word in a line, and then in the next line, repeating that same word. This probably has something to do with the fact that your first line is "echoes, echoes, echoes." BUT if these repeated words were not intentional, then I think they get a bit repeat-y. if they WERE intentional, I think you should make it more obvious. I noticed a few lines where you didn't have repeats, so if you want to incorporate that as an element in your poem, I think you should try to put repeats in those lines.
Also, in the lines I quoted above, I felt like the "with it" at the end read a little bit awkward. I'm trying to think of ways to suggest that you fix it, but I'm not really sure what you were trying to say, so... sorry.
I think perhaps "on" would work better than in? It's just weird to me to have a preposition at the end of a sentence, and with little punctuation in this, I wasn't even sure it was the end of the sentence.
In several places, it sounds like you're trying to speak like Yoda: backwards, I mean. Now again, if this is intentional, by all means, keep it! Emphasize it! It's all like my choir teacher said ('course she said this about singing in a very crazy, maniacal way...) "If you hold back at all, people are going to be confused at whether what you're doing is really intentional!" So again, not all your lines are written like that. If you really want to do something like that, I say do it on every line that you can. I suggest though that you just rearrange those sentences and set them nice and straight. If you're having trouble figuring out which ones are backwards-y, just ask
I believe that should be "all those stars," but again, do what you want.
There's one more thing, you use "exhaust" in I think two places. In both instances, "exhaust" seems not to fit there. (I'm thinking of car exhaust btw). What do you mean by exhaust?
Even with all these things that I personally feel need fixing, I love this poem, and the symbolism of the 58 poppies and all the imagery in this poem. Great job! Keep writing!
~fortis
Thanks for the advice there, well taken in. I'm going to take that advice and fix up this poem a bit better.
A lot of my bad grammar comes from the fact I tend to write the way I speak XD So things like "If all those stars" to me would be "If all them stars" XD
And the exhaust, its a motorcycle exhaust
But thanks for the review, all well taken in