Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Her head ached as if it had been run over by dozens of trucks, nearly crushing it. She felt like she had had the worst dream of her life and was now waking up to the world. As her eyes slowly opened, she felt a more searing pain at the course through her body urging her not to try any stupid moves. Slowly, she opened her eyes, fighting back the pain any slight movement caused. Her eyes slowly begun to adjust to the slightly shadowy room she was in. As her adjusted vision kicked in, she quickly tried to move but gasped and clenched her teeth in pain. She slowly lay back down with her heart beating rapidly…this was not her room. If this wasn’t her room then that meant that Ann was-. Her heart almost stopped beating when her memories flashed back to the moment she had heard a gunshot and seen her best friend’s body hit the ground silently. Tears welled up in her eyes. She’d lost everything in her life…lost her whole family. And then she met Ann who was totally different from her but had quickly graduated into a friend and somehow a sister. She let her sorrow drown out the pain as she slowly rose on the table she was laying on. The room’s darkness wasn’t that bad since she could now clearly see where light slipped in slightly through a door opened a crack. Slowly, her squeezed her eyes trying to stop the tears but couldn’t. If she was to escape, she needed to get a hold of herself. She moved off the table slowly trying not to make a single sound. As her feet tough the ground and she let it take her body weight, she almost regretted it. The pain was rather instantaneous. She couldn’t see properly but could feel the bandages on her body. She needed to be strong, and with that mindset, she struggled with the pain and waged on
**********
John smiled slightly. He could see her movement clearly in the darkness. He even felt a bit of awe at how she took the pain she was in without shouting out like most people would have. He even was more impressed when she begun making her way towards the kitchen where the slight was slipping in through it's slightly opened door. He watched her reach it a peer in slightly. The slight light was enough to show him a bit of how she looked. Black hair with freckled cheeks and bright blue eyes...not the most beautiful of girls. He saw her hesitate before walking inside to check if she could find a way out. He waited a bit more and was rewarded when she came out and scanned the room with a torchlight. She scanned but didn't bright the light to his position. She spotted a door and started limping towards it. He smiled...a rare thing.
"That door would take you out. But you wouldn't be happy by what you see.", he said loud for her to hear and cherished the way she froze. Fear, something he was used to have people react in.
**********
Emma couldn't move. No matter how much she tried and begged her body, she just couldn't move. It was as if the energy had been sucked out of her and she had been left with nothing. The world seemed to loose its warmth as she slowly turned around to shine the light where she instinctively knew that the voice was from. Her breath caught in her throat as the light shone on a masked man in black jacket with a white tight inner shirt plus black pants and boots sitting calmly on a chair with a gun resting calmly in his hands.
She wanted to run...definitely run and hope he was a bad shooter but knew that he definitely wasn't.Maybe this was the person who killed Ann, she couldn't tell because her mind was still fuzzy.
"Don't do it", the man said in a smooth voice with a bit more bass in it's tone.
For a second, she just wanted to run for the door...fight the pain and just run but, for some reason, the man had predicted her move.
The man sighed as he stood and and stretched slightly causing more fear to well up in Emma. And like he didn't care, the man turned and walked away to move up a flight of stairs which Emma hadn't noticed. As soon as the man was gone into the darkness below, she sprinted as fast as she could and yanked the door open immediately stopped dead in her tracks.
"This can't be happening.", she whispered below her breath as she took a few steps forward into the darkness around her. This definitely couldn't be happening because she was standing on a cliff which faced the darkened sea with waves thrashing on the cliff side. She let her eyes wonder back and saw that the house she was in was a two storey house.
She faced back the sea...it was night already.
"Like i said, don't...you're not going anywhere", the man said still with his mask on.
**********
It had been a few hours now and she hadn't made a single move. She just sat there with her glass of water as she sipped it slowly. Time and time again, she'd let a few tears slip down a freckled cheeks before quickly wiping them away.
"Not my line of work.", John mumbled to himself as he slowly glanced back to the stairs. He needed a quick shower...at least it would sooth his aching muscles and get him more relaxed to take care of her. He'd keep her here until it was time for him to submit her and complete his mission. This safe house was one he was very proud of. It was rather not far from the city but always seemed to slip from people's gaze.
"You stay here and wait, I'll be back soon.", he said and quickly went up the stairs to take the quick shower he so much desired. Quickly stripping in the comfort of his bathroom, he stepped inside the shower and was content as the rather cold water cascaded down his body and gave him the comfort he so needed. He smiled as a sound caught his ear. He'd spent so much time here alone that even a creak from the floorboard would be like drums being struck carelessly. He didn't care. He knew that it was definitely the girl but yet he just didn't care. He could almost hear each step she took as she walked around the upper floor. But as quickly as he heard it, he decided to disregard it. He'd locked the main door now...and even if she was lucky enough to find the key to his car and even escape out of the building...she wouldn't find the car itself and she would definitely not be able to walk all the way back to the city. He let the water dull his senses and let his mind calm down.
His mind drifted away and back to the first day he had taken an innocent life...a life which hadn't posed any danger to him. He remembered her eyes...he remembered how they dimmed down. He let it stay in his mind like a picture and let time slip away. He didn't know how long he had been there but when he opened his eyes, he knew definitely that he'd wasted more than thirty minutes there.
John dressed up and moved out of the bathroom the the next room. Upon opening the door, he knew something was wrong. He looked around and notice that one thing was out of it's position. The phone...damn, he'd been careless.
**********
Emma was waiting. Her heart was thumping as she waited. It was taking too long for a response to come. She was about to up and leave despite the pain from the bandaged sections of her body but stopped when she heard the stairs creak. The man came down the stairs already dressed causing Ann to squirm a little from fear. She couldn't see his face but could already feel the anger vibrating from his body.
Before any of them could speak...they heard a helicopter sound. Quickly, the man moved to the window and looked out. Emma could see him stiffen before he turned and run towards her. He tackled her hard to the ground before her whole world blacked out.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,690 Literary Works • 672,059 Reviews
Hi Planve! I've finally caught up in chapters.
What I like about this one is that we get to see John isn't entirely heartless, and he's still fairly human. He remembers that he hurt someone first when they didn't deserve it, and perhaps in a way derives his strength from that fact? It was an interesting scene to see. I'm glad it's in there because now I feel I understand Jake a bit more and am closer to his character. Although I would like to see a lot more regarding his character. I'm definitely liking Emma at the moment.
The story is fine. It isn't going too fast or too slow at the moment, I'm always understand where they are and what is going on. You're managing to describe that very well. When it comes to the story on it's own, I would only like to know more about Jake. That's all really. And I also have quite a few nitpicks for you, and hopefully when you spot these you won't make them in future chapters.
This whole novel is being written in past tense so make sure you stick to it! She slowly laid back down, is what it should be.
I understand what you are trying to say here. You don't need the 'at the' for this part.
I think you mean touched instead of tough. Before you post your work it really helps if you take a brief check through it for spelling and some other things you might notice. Running spellcheck also helps a lot. Although be sure to still check over it yourself afterwards, perhaps by reading it aloud to yourself. Spellcheck doesn't catch out everything.
This line was fine, but because it was at the end of the paragraph you forgot the full stop! A mightily small mistake though
This bit needs some break down. Let's take it line by line. In the first I'm mentioning flow and word order again. The 'he even' sounds awkward at the beginning when you say it aloud. I would change it to 'he was even more impressed...' The next line should be: He watched her reach it and peer in slightly. Now for the whole quote on a whole: you repeat the word slight too much. For the last line I think it would be fine to just cut it as it is, we don't really need it in there. For the other two, use synonyms! They work just as well and spice up the vocabulary a lot too.
Choose one of these lines and cut the other one. There is not point in telling us the same thing twice. Because the second sentence gives us a bit more detail as to what is happening, I'd vouch for you using the second one.
This is me commenting on repeating the same words again. Don't worry, it's a mistake even I easily pick out of other peoples work but make a lot myself. Just remember that when someone notices it you should either cut one of the repeating words or replace it for something else. In this case you could just cut the 'there' in the second line and be finished.
Emma could see him stiffen before he turned and run towards her.
Oops! I think you used the wrong name here! Seeing as Ann is already dead and not really in the house
Please let me know on my wall or something whenever you post the next chapter! I would be happy to continue following this and reading it!
Deanie x
Timmyjake here to give you a review!
First I want to tell you that you are really good at suspense. You kept me on the edge of my seat throughout your chapter.
What it does need is just some looking over. For one, your paragraphs are a mile long. And you jump from each character every page, making it very hard to understand who is the main character at that point.
I think the place where your paragraph length is the worst is the first one. It just drags on and on.
I think it is really good! You are a captivating writer! I would comment on more, but I don't see anything else really. I think it would be better if you separated out your paragraphs better and made one chapter center on one person, but besides that I can't find fault!
Great job! Keep writing!