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Scarlet soul

by nanya


SCARLET SOUL

When she looks at me, it breaks my heart.

She has sad eyes and her lips are pouty.

She looks like she's had rough nights.

I watch as she folds her arms tightly;

with her legs trembling.

I see something in her eyes,

They tell stories.

Stories of love lost, found and lost again.

I see the utmost yearning for the unknown.

Her depression seems infectious.

Her pain is quite delirious with blindness

Because she can’t explain her pain or why it exists

Then her eyebrows curve in a frown

Her once calm face thickens

As I take one last look at my reflection,

Reality hits me and then, I step away from the mirror.


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Thu Nov 28, 2013 12:41 pm
Yanni1995 wrote a review...



Hello Dearest,

You know me and I know you. Haha. Now I'm gonna review!

So this is another one of your more dramatic pieces and somehow I think that you were actually looking at your reflection as you wrote this. I know you, I could be right. :)

Anyway, it is a lovely poem. It's very dramatic and heartfelt and it says everything you want to say. It's almost as if it was a journal of what you felt at the time, everything was described as they should be though I do have a few nitpicks for you.

First that I noticed is the flow of the poem. Read it again, aloud and follow your punctuation as you do, you'll see where the flow just stops.

"When she looks at me, it breaks my heart. - for me, you don't need the comma here. but I do know why you put it there.

She has sad eyes and her lips are pouty.

She looks like she has had rough nights. - try putting "she's" than "she has" or even just reading it aloud, I think it's better that way for the flow of that particular sentence

I watch as she folds her arms tightly;

with her legs trembling. - okay, so these two sentences are rather broken when you read it. why use a semi-colon on this one? Try "Her legs are trembling." (just a suggestion)

I see something in her eyes,

They tell stories.

Stories of love lost, found and lost again - is there really no period at the end of this or is this a typo?

I see the utmost yearning for the unknown.

Her depression seems infectious.

Her pain is quite delirious with blindness

Because she can’t explain her pain or why it exists

Then her eyebrows curve in a frown

Her once calm face thickens

As I take one last look at my reflection,

Reality hits me and then, I step away from the mirror."

Okie, that's it. You know me, I will pick at everything I see. :) Write more and review on mine though.

PS. Welcome to YWS!




nanya says...


hehehe.. you know i have problems with punctuation. Good thing i have you to show me.



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Sun Nov 24, 2013 7:45 pm
TimmyJake wrote a review...



Hello, Narcissus! Oh, wait, its Nanya.
Timmyjake here to give you a review!

I like the peom and how it flows. The poem is sad, telling of her hardships in life, and then you find out that it was merely her reflection.

They tell stories.

Stories of love lost, found and lost again

I think that this is my favorite part. It kind of says that she is looking for something and is constantly getting lost. She is looking for love. Perhaps someone to love her, and no one will. So she is in pain. At least that is my interpretation of it.


I watch as she folds her arms tightly

And With her legs trembling,

I see something in her eyes.
Those lines seem to not flow like the rest. I think that its mainly placement of punctuation that does it, though. Shouldn't the first line have a period? And I think that maybe you should add a "Then" in-between "and" and "with" in the second line.

Nice poem! Keep writing!




nanya says...


Noted :) thanks for the review.



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Sun Nov 24, 2013 4:08 am
AlfonsoFernandez wrote a review...



Hello there, here to review.

This was a very cool poem. I find it funny that the first time you read this, the first part of the piece seems inspirational, being told about someone who seems to be falling in love. But once you've seen the ending, falling in love with that person seems narcissist.

Anyway, on with the review.

The first verse is probably the reason why I read this until the end; it is very captivating. And then what makes it truly worth it is the end, where our expectations are turned against us.

Something I'd like to point out is that at first, in the beginning of the poem, as well as in the very end, you wrote correct punctuation. However, somewhere around the middle of the poem you stopped writing periods or commas.

And With her legs trembling,


This was probably just a typing error, but there is no point in capitalizing "with".

I didn't really find any other mistakes. But don't take me wrong, this was really a good poem.

So congratulations again and keep on writing.

-AlfonsoFernandez, member of the Apple Dumpling Gang




nanya says...


Thanks for the review :) it was a typing error.



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Sat Nov 23, 2013 9:13 pm
RainbowPowerPonies wrote a review...



CrystalPony21 here to review your interesting and awesome work, heres what I thought of it! Hope this helps.

This is a great poem I read poems differently than most so some of my edits to this work may be how I look at it and not how you intended it. This is great, spelling: fabulously written grammar: fair overall: wonderful The problems I found were just how I read it. Here they are:

Stories of a love, lost found and lost once again
you just saw how I would put it. I did it this way because it just made more sense to me so thats how I re-wrote it and why. That was it! I realize by the end of the heart felt poem that the girl you see is yourself an you understand that it is yourself as you have forgotten. This didn't make sense to me until I went over the poem for a second time to make sure I caught everything and made no mistake in my judgement. Otherwise and overall I loved this because I felt the emotion as if I know you and understand how you feel. I often get the same feeling and if you hadn't written this I would have beaten you to it! ^^ Just saying! :) I loved this I gave it a like and obviously reviewed it, but you should keep writing 'cause your great. I hope to hear more from you and am going to read DISAPPOINTED LOVE right now. I may not review hope this helps! ^^
~CrystalPony21




nanya says...


Thanks A lot :)





your welcome ^^




Maybe our favorite quotations say more about us than about the stories and people we're quoting.
— John Green