Young Writers Society

Hello, Omi! Gather 'round the circle for Review Time with Ms. Kitty!

The earthquake comes

On wild lion paws.

It comes forcefully

In African plains

Stalking its prey,

Until it strikes.

Hey, another review from dbrick! This poem was simple and made an intriguing connection between an earthquake and a lion (I think). It was a little bit unpolished (some of the lines felt slightly forced, I can't point out why though....it might just be me). It also reminds me of the panic that comes with natural disaster; it "stalks" its prey as the people run in panic "until it strikes". As always, a pleasure reading your writing.

Hey there, Knight Cailey here with a review.

So it's always strange going back to early work, and I know I've never been able to return to work more than a couple months old, so it's cool that you put this up and decided to show the YWS world and let us comment.

Welcome to the site, by the way. I'm sure you'll love it!

Anyway, I like the comparison of the earthquake to a lion. It's unique and not one I've heard before, which is always a plus when it comes to poetry. So the first two lines are good. I mean, you set up the situation; the earthquake coming, and you bring in the metaphor of the earthquake being lionlike.

However, the third line just doesn't seem very poetic. It's just... to obvious and too cliché. Yeah, it's forceful. Anyone who's heard anything about either earthquakes or lions knows that. Find a way to either show the force, like describing the actual feeling of the earth shaking, or the way the approaching earthquake is like the noise of a lion's paws falling on the ground as it runs. But that line just tells too much without any poetic imagery.

Also, the next three lines are almost too much about the line. I mean, I like the mention of Africa, but it might be good to somehow mention that the earthquake is not reserved to that continent but could strike anywhere at anytime? Because this way almost sounds like you're saying earthquakes only happen in African plains.

I like the way you kept the lion comparison all the way through, though, and I love the last ending. It's really neat how you start with saying that it is coming, and then at the end it's closer, but still hasn't struck.

As I said, it's a neat way to describe an earthquake, and while I think you could add even more imagery (what about sound? sight? touch?) this is a great start.

Hope this is helpful! Let me know if you have any questions or need any help with anything or have any comments.