Wrote this way back in grade 5...
Earthquake
The earthquake comes
On wild lion paws.
It comes forcefully
In African plains
Stalking its prey,
Until it strikes.
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139,495 Literary Works • 672,584 Reviews
Hello, Omi! Gather 'round the circle for Review Time with Ms. Kitty!
Ohh, like the metaphor here. It's unique, and that's what makes it so lovely!
I suggest adding a period in order for the reader to catch his/her breath. Anyway, I love how this adds suspense, and I noticed that the line before the last adds the most.
Ooh. I love how you put the earthquake in a lion's paws. That's a huge metaphor.
Metaphor poem over here! Awesome!
There are many problems, and it's great, I tell you!
Enjoy my like!
Keep writing.
~Kitty
Thanks
Hey, another review from dbrick! This poem was simple and made an intriguing connection between an earthquake and a lion (I think). It was a little bit unpolished (some of the lines felt slightly forced, I can't point out why though....it might just be me). It also reminds me of the panic that comes with natural disaster; it "stalks" its prey as the people run in panic "until it strikes". As always, a pleasure reading your writing.
Thanks again, dbrick.
Hey there, Knight Cailey here with a review.
I'm sure you'll love it!
So it's always strange going back to early work, and I know I've never been able to return to work more than a couple months old, so it's cool that you put this up and decided to show the YWS world and let us comment.
Welcome to the site, by the way.
Anyway, I like the comparison of the earthquake to a lion. It's unique and not one I've heard before, which is always a plus when it comes to poetry. So the first two lines are good. I mean, you set up the situation; the earthquake coming, and you bring in the metaphor of the earthquake being lionlike.
However, the third line just doesn't seem very poetic. It's just... to obvious and too cliché. Yeah, it's forceful. Anyone who's heard anything about either earthquakes or lions knows that. Find a way to either show the force, like describing the actual feeling of the earth shaking, or the way the approaching earthquake is like the noise of a lion's paws falling on the ground as it runs. But that line just tells too much without any poetic imagery.
Also, the next three lines are almost too much about the line. I mean, I like the mention of Africa, but it might be good to somehow mention that the earthquake is not reserved to that continent but could strike anywhere at anytime? Because this way almost sounds like you're saying earthquakes only happen in African plains.
I like the way you kept the lion comparison all the way through, though, and I love the last ending. It's really neat how you start with saying that it is coming, and then at the end it's closer, but still hasn't struck.
As I said, it's a neat way to describe an earthquake, and while I think you could add even more imagery (what about sound? sight? touch?) this is a great start.
Hope this is helpful! Let me know if you have any questions or need any help with anything or have any comments.
Thanks. I don't think I'm gonna work much on this one just cause I did it so long ago, but I appreciate your review.