A tribute to my sister. :)
The greatest gift I ever got came and left again
An hour away and years apart,
But forever and always, she'll reside within my heart.
Yet still she's gone,
How could I have been so wrong.
Christmas comes and Christmas goes,
I can't bring her back from the path she chose.
She loves me too, as only a sister can,
Then why must she be gone for such a span.
And then she comes laden with perfumes, lotions, and toys,
But to me she withholds the greatest of joys.
Because once again she left me,
Alone and without glee.
Why couldn't she see that all I wanted for Christmas was her.
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Hi Omi! I can tell this is very heartfelt piece. The overall theme is strong, I think, and comes through very clearly. However, there are a few lines that take away from that sincerity. For example, there are some places where you wording sounds cheesy (for lack of a better word) because you were trying to make it rhyme. There isn't anything inherently wrong with rhyming, but you have to make sure you don't use weak words just because they rhyme. For example,
"Because once again she left me, Alone and without glee." If this were a non-rhyming poem, I doubt you still would have chosen the word "glee." It doesn't fit the mood of the poem, and that line doesn't (to me) really bring across real emotion. It feels a little fake--which of course the poem as a whole is not, but the wording gives that impression.
Another word that especially stuck out to me was "span".
The other thing I wanted to point out was that there were a couple of lines that felt like a filler, because they didn't bring in a new idea, or were too vague to hold much emotion. For instance, "How could I have been so wrong." You don't expand on the idea of how you're mistaken. It might be an ideal place to bring in some imagery, to help bring that feeling across to the reader. *Show* us how that feels rather than just telling us.
What occurred to me as I was writing the above is that what I'm really missing is what's really going on? I understand that her sister is gone a lot, I'm guessing? But I'm not sure what path she chose, and why the sisters are separated. Do they communicate while she's gone? I'm guessing she came back to visit, with gifts ("And then she comes laden with perfumes, lotions, and toys."). But I'm really trying to understand where the speaker (you?) is coming from and see the situation better. I would try and flesh that out a little bit more.
This is a very sweet, sad poem, and I'd love to see the emotion and sincerity come through even stronger. To summarize, I would clarify what the situation with the sister is, try and trim the dead weight so that every line is *essential* (because that's really part of the essence of poetry. Every word counts.), and adjust the rhyming.
Haha, thanks for the review! I completely agree with you, and I knew the words span and glee were definitely forced, I guess I was just in a rush. I certainly could have done a better job explaining and if I were to go back and edit this, that is something I would work on for sure, but since I was mainly trying to convey emotions I looked over that. But thanks, I'm grateful for your comments and I hope you have a happy New Year!
Hey Omi1, here to review. I'm not a Nazi anything because I have absolutely no right since my own grammatical structure is all over the place. I'm here to say how beautiful and moving this poem is.
How you described your sister and the sorrow you feel for her, how simple and how it counts that just being there is more than enough for anything else. This is truly beautiful.
Well done!
-R
Haha, thanks.
Hello Omi1. GriffinClaw here to review this lovely poem.
First off, I really liked this poem. You described the feelings of loneliness and sadness very well. I can personally relate to a bitter-sweet holiday. Some of my favorite lines were,
and the last line,
On a grammar/rhythm standpoint, I liked the free-style format you used. It had a good flow, and the rhyming was a nice touch too. I do think that for the last line, even though I really enjoyed it, it is portrayed as a question. So I think it would be better to add a question mark, like,
I like this line because it wraps up the poem well, but it would be better to leave it as an open-ended question.
Overall, I really liked this poem. Is this topic close to you? It seemed like it, so thank you for writing this.
Keep writing and being amazing!
~GC
Thanks a lot. I'm not sure I'll go through and edit this since it was written in the moment that I felt this, but I really appreciate it. Yeah, my sister is really close.
No problem. I really like this piece.