The first job
Get down on the fucking ground now, Right Killer get the cameras make sure you get everyone of them we don't want footage on us, Fox hold the hostages down, MK find the bank manger and clear the volt now, I'll hang back here.
"you are surrounded come out with your hands up and we promise to let you go easy"
As i pulled out my LMG I knew that this was all gonna end badly people are gonna die and others are going to lose there minds, But i know this is what i was born to do, They call me Dragon I'm the leader of the Knights and this is our first bank,
"Sir there coming from the roof and we can spot snipers on each of the buildings"
That's Fox he is the youngest 14 if i'm not mistaken he started as a good kid until high school started everyone hated him coarse he was the richest kid in school they where all jealous if you ask me,
"Get MK if he is done with the money yet"
The radio comes on,
"Yeah its open but we have a problem the bank manger is dead i shot him"
That's MK the craziest guy i know he's story all started when his mother threw him out on his ass when he was 15 he use to do stores and mugging people on the street, But now its all big stuff he joined the Knights when he was 17 a year later were doing banks,
"well can you try not killing people next time?"
"ha whats the fun in that"
Fox just looked at me and said
"We should keep an eye on him"
"Good idea you do it"
As i walked away and closer to the bank doors i saw Killer just standing up on the railing looking down at me, Of coarse we never knew what each other look like we all were wearing mask, Ever since the day we joined, They all told us we had to come in mask we where all chosen for a reason they said but i never knew why, That's why i'm doing this, We where all taken at young age, Me 18 Killer well no one really knows how old he is i mean, He never talks much.
"There coming through the roof"
Smoke starts to clear from the roof to the floor of the bank, Lucky for us we were all wearing the tear gas mask, As me and Fox where firing from the bottom to the top as they where rippling down to us, MK starts to run towards them and stabs the first officer in the leg then picked him up and slit his throat, Not something you would want to see, But its the job, As Fox is shooting his way through the smoke an officer comes up from behind him, Us not knowing they came from the front, Fox quickly turns around and punches the officer right in the face with his gun then shoots him in the head, Killer just standing up there looking at us not doing a thing, I start to run up the stairs and through the smoke to get to killer
"What are you doing we must fight together"
Killer pulls out his sniper with a thermal scope and starts to fire away, Me shooting from the top yelling to the others,
"Get down to the volt now lets go"
As we all rushed down to the volt through the doors where all the money is, We quickly put the money in the bags we had, As the cops keep coming me screaming out,
"There coming through the door lets go"
As me MK and Fox start shooting we started to relies Killer wasn't with us,
"Get Killer on the radio right now"
"Killer come down right now we need your help"
No response
"Dragon, Fox we have to get out of here"
Blows the back of the volt with dynamite, We started to run and shoot behind us as we could, Lucky for us we had bullet proof vest on, We where under the surface in the pips down stares my mother all ways use to call it,
"MK Grab the bike on the right Fox grab the one on the left middle is all mine"
As we rode off on the bikes through the pipes we lost the police, For our first job on a bank i believe we did all right i mean were not dead are we, As we hit the surface from the pips, We all looked at each other with each of a bag me with 2 Killers share that is, We drove our separate ways, We never knew where each other lives, We would all get this message on our phones saying mission, Time, Place, Job, and the location with it, If we didn't do it we would be hunted down like dogs in the woods by the Organization, They like to call them self's
As i get home to my nice house with my beautiful wife and child, My wife's name is Kimberly and my daughters name is Olivia, My wife was expecting again, A boy this time, I kissed my wife and my little girl on the head telling them how much i love them, I walked up stares and took a shower, After the shower i crashed myself on my nice big comfy bed,
"hun do you want dinner"
"No i'm good love you"
That's all i can remember of that day, My wife not knowing what i do witch is a good thing,
Text message comes through, at 2am
UNKNOWN: I got another job for you meet Fox and go to the park be there in 15mins,
As i got up Kimberly sleep right beside me i kissed her and went to Olivia's room and kissed her too, I walked into the bathroom and threw water on my face i look up at the mirror and i saw my father standing there, He has been dead for 15 years i don't really know what happen to him no one would tell me, As i look down and threw more water on my face and looked up and he was gone,
I got in the car and looked in the mirror, And he was in the back seat looking at me, I looked again and again he was gone, Later on i met Fox at the park,
"hey man i wonder whats going on"
Fox looked at me and said
"Where about to find out "
Lights turn on all around us
"This is the police put your guns down on the floor and give up we have you surrounded"
We both do what they ask, They put bags over our heads and threw us in the back of the truck, After a long ride, We came to a stop. They open the back doors and took us somewhere, We were still bagged,
They Threw me in a chair and took the bag off my head, Its to dark to see anything then a light shines on me and he said in a deep voice,
"Now tell me how was the bank job?"
That's Zero he is the guy who made us who we are today, He made us the Knights
"Why is it every time that you have to pick us up like this"
I look around
"Where is Fox?"
Zero came close and whispered in my ear
"Dead HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"
"No why would you"
Looks at me and smiles
"Kidding he is in the other room safe"
Then a Screen on the wall comes on, It seems to be my house with two guys with guns looking around,
"No not my family you son of a bitch"
"Oh shayne don't be like that oh and yes we know your real name and what you look like"
The men are walking up stairs and gos to my bedroom and why my wife sleeps they shoot her in the head with a silencer, Well as they think they did then the look in the other room, My daughter is not there, The windows open seems as if she jumped out, They take another look at the mother and she was gone it seems they shot a pillow,
"Where are they tell me now"
They punch me and torture me but i wont tell them nothing , After 3 hours of the pain and sweat, They stopped and threw me in a cell.
"i have to find my family"
as i kept saying over and over again in and outside my head,
Looks like my story has just begun
Chapter 2:
Finding the right one
coming soon
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Canary word: Present
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
I think that it is a good plot. The major issues I see are grammar, including commas, capitals, and quotations (mainly on the first paragraph). That said it is very vague and I think that if you added more feeling detail it would allow empathy. mainly with the last half for example instead of saying:
"They punch me and torture me but i wont tell them nothing , After 3 hours of the pain and sweat, They stopped and threw me in a cell."
you could say,
"They hit and torture me so long I loose feeling in most of my body, but I refuse to tell them anything. I won't betray my family like that. After 3 hours of agonizing pain and sweat they stopped and threw me into a rotten smelling cell and the only thing I could think is that I need to find my family"
I think that if you were to add similar detail to the rest of the paper it would help with empathy and emphasize the mood of the story.
Other than this I think that you wrote a great chapter and I like the idea of a man at a crossroads with his hidden life and saving his family. Keep it up and I anticipate the next chapter.
Alrighty! The name's Sarah and I'm here to review!
I love these types of stories! So full of awesomeness and power! I love the idea with this, it's just a simple idea that drags everyone in! I found it funny in some ways, like when the guy is laughing at Zero. That was so funny! Then the action was good in this, the way it's written is good.
Now, as I say this I did notice the most obvious thing. The grammar. Sorry to do this to you, but I'm going to point out the ones that means something to me.
First one being this:
"Get down on the fucking ground now, Right Killer get the cameras make sure you get everyone of them we don't want footage on us, Fox hold the hostages down, MK find the bank manger and clear the volt now, I'll hang back here."
Okay, I'm not too sure if this was meant to be a person talking or not for one. It seemed like it was but I couldn't tell. If it was, make sure you you use quotation marks, (these things ->""), when a person is speaking so it'll make sense. Also, when a new sentence is there, make sure there is a full stop or a explanation mark or a question mark. That way, it'll make it easier for the person to figure out how the person is saying it.
Second:
"As i pulled out my LMG I knew that this was all gonna end badly people are gonna die and others are going to lose there minds, But i know this is what i was born to do, They call me Dragon I'm the leader of the Knights and this is our first bank,"
Okay, this annoyed me. You need to capitalize 'I' so it makes it look like he is saying it. This seriously looks like a mess really. If you do that, it'll make it look neater. Also, you use a lot of commas and not enough full stops. You need to use full stops when a sentence has finished, in this case whenever there is a capital. It'll do two things. One, it'll help the reader see the ending of a sentence and two, it makes it look a lot neater.
And the final thing I want to point out:
"I look around
"Where is Fox?"
Zero came close and whispered in my ear
"Dead HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"
"No why would you"
Looks at me and smiles
"Kidding he is in the other room safe""
Okay, first what is with the skipping lines thing? Second, it looks really jumbled and last thing, when a person is laughing, don't right 'ha', it makes it look weird. Look, when you are describing something when a person is saying something, you must put it one the same line. Look, this is what it will look like if you do the speech like this:
"I look around, "Where is Fox?"
Zero came close and whispered in my ear, "Dead HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"No, why would you?"
Looks at me and smiles, "Kidding he is in the other room safe."
You see how that looks neater? It helps the reader imagine things better plus it looks a lot neater and more professional.
Also, to be blunt, this needs to be rated for violence and language.
Overall, I believe that this can be one epic piece of writing if you do some editing. A LOT OF EDITING.
Now, I'm not being mean. I'm only trying to help.
Catch you later!
I Was inspired, When i was in a bank one day and they got held up so i wanted to right something bout it,
Sweet~!
Hey Dragon!
You forgot to put all of this in quotes. We are also dropped quite abruptly into the story. Not always a problem, as you can explan and elaborate later, but you don't seem to do this proper.I'll start off with a belated welcome to YWS. Hope you like it here.
Alright, I love bank heist stories! They are filled with so much action, cool plot lines and interesting characters.
However, your story has none of these, save for poorly done action scenes.
I don't like it, but I'm going to be frank here: This was terrible.
I have so much to comment on and correct, I'll just head into it and write as I go along:
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Tell us a bit about where this voice is coming from and who it is. I'm also assuming the guy is lying, as there is no easy way out of robbing a bank.
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Very often you forget to capitalize the 'i' when you reference yourself. The personal pronoun; "I" is always capitalized.
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You have some trouble with these as well: They're, there and their.
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A bad habit you have is ending sentences and paragraphs with commas instead of periods.
I'm going to skip over paragraphs which contain grammatical errors I have already covered.
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You have a lot of dialogue coming up, and you write it a bit off. Try to speak out what you write as you write it and add commas and pauses where you feel neccesary.
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To a degree, I kinda like that they are all very young. But its beyond unrealistic. Later, you also write that they are shot at and hit while escaping, but that they are unharmed due to wearing kevlar. Grown men would halt before continuing when hit while wearing kevlar. Teens would drop just from the sheer pain. You should also explain more about The Knights. For instance, you mention someone who recruited you, yet earlier you said you were the leader.
Where exactly did he pull this out from? Out of nowhere, GTA style?
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You never write this correctly. Its vault, not volt. Volt is short for voltage.
Eh, I have no idea what you mean here.
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Okay, its pretty hard to read and completely understand this story. But the way I see it, your main character is among several who are snitched up at a young age and put into criminal ways. So he's roughly 18 or 19 years old, has had a tough life and his closest allies are basicly strangers to him. And despite all this....he has a nice house, a beautiful wife, a young daughter as well as another kid on the way. How could he even afford this house if this was his first heist? Am I high?!
Okay, lets just move on.
Generally when writing, try to refrain from using numbers like this. Just write them out instead: fifteen minutes, two AM, fourteen etc.
I like the part about his father appearing beside him. I'm guessing your MC has suspicions that his father was also a bank robber and now think he is walking down the same path as his father. A path that obviously ended with death.
Wait, they meet up? Well, are they wearing the masks now?
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Don't write "hahaha" etc. Just write that they laugh. (Alternatively, laughing devilishly)
It has indeed.
Well, while I like the overall story, with the heists as well as aspects of them being so young, this piece still needs a lot of work. A lot.
To be honest, there were a couple of parts in the story where I got the feeling that you have recently played GTA V and got the love for heist stories. Both the main character's "family" as well as the escape through the sewers mimics that game really well. (After finished it, I got the urge to plan a heist myself.)
But I could be totally wrong here, I'm sure of.
You should also have tagged this work for violence and language as well, mate.
Dragon, I realize my review might sound harsh, but don't fret. I've checked out your other written works and you write a lot. You haven't been on this site long and after a while, your writing will improve vastly. I know mine did.
If you still write that much then, and have as much creativity, your future stories will be great! I'm looking forward to those.
I hope I read your story correctly Dragon, and that you appreaciated my review.
Cheers
Birkhoff
If i may review you mysel, your kinda an Asshole who likes to just fuck with peoples minds so ugh one more thing what kinda name is Birkhoff oh im gonna Birkoff now, Really lol