Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Chapter 4: Murder Scene
Mason
“Well, there’s no blood, so the killer most definitely killed the victims by hand,” I said nervously, while looking at the bodies.
“That’s pretty impressive,” muttered James to himself.
“How would you know?” I asked him.
“I used to be a criminal,” he grinned. “Why do you think I’m on this case?”
I ignored him and picked the card up that was on one of the bodies.
“It must have something to do with this,” I said
“Let the games begin…” said James.
After that we said nothing. I walked over to the bodies to really study them. The first one had belonged to a plump woman, small and chubby. Her eyes were still wide open with fear as if the act of murder was still happening to her. Her hair still neatly tied in a bun. She was lying flat on her back, her right hand on her chest and her left on her neck which signified that the murderer had choked her to death. I gently moved her hand that was resting on the neck to get a full view of it.
It looked ugly.
It looked as if the murderer didn’t let go, even after the woman's heart had stopped working, and her breathing had subsided. Her neck was bruised and strained beyond belief, there was not one bit of skin on the neck that was her normal skin color. Her neck was black and blue.
Poor woman.Even though she’ was dead her eyes spoke volumes. All the bad stuff. Fear, shock, distress and despair.
I bent down to search her purse, which was next to her pale face. My hand was trembling slightly as I motioned towards her purse.
This is a whole different world from chasing lost cats.
I stuck my hand in the purse and produced out the accessories that women would normally use for a night out. Lipstick, a small mirror and a brush was among the equipment. I also found a drivers license and credit card. My eyes slowly read the name on the drivers’ license.
"Beatrice Sager" I read. That’s an old fashioned name; unusual name in this decade. Her clothes also told me that she was either going to, or coming back from a nightclub. She was wearing what looked like a tight red dress, which slightly gauged out her breasts against the tight fabric of the material. I dug my hand further into her bag, finding a phone, I looked through the contacts on the phone to find the name "Momma", sitting right below the name "Mike". I pulled out my phone and saved Momma's number. I’m gonna need to break the news. To the mother or Momma in this case.
I moved slowly to the next body to see a skinny dark skinned woman lying next to her, but this time her face is down, and her body was facing upright towards me. The murderer snapped her neck.
Shit.
The woman was wearing a zebra striped dress, and had long black braided hair spread out in different directions, both her arms mangled as if the bones in her arms had cracked out of joint and is pushing against her skin. As if the bones were trying to break out of her brown, smooth skin. Stretching it, but still imprisoned.
I sighed deeply.
The murderer didn’t leave a trace of evidence, the only thing that we can hold onto is the card.
I sighed again and checked her body, to see if she had any items that would be useful in the long run. But the only thing I had gained from that was a cold chill sent up my spine because of how icy cold her motionless body was.
Poor woman…
“This neighborhood is known for being a peaceful and quiet. Rarely any crimes committed,” said James, interrupting my thoughts. “And even when the crimes are committed it’s on a miniature scale.”
I looked away from the dark skinned woman to properly look at the neighborhood. Across the street the houses were neatly next to each other, all of them looked exactly the same, the only thing that differentiated the houses were the colors. Further down the street there was a small park, with a swing and slide. Even with two bodies in front of me the atmosphere was serene and quiet. It’s as if the neighborhood was in a state of peace itself.
Why?
I looked back at the houses a second time. All the curtains were closed in every single house, as if they want to ignore the death of two young women right in front of them. In their own neighborhood. I looked at my Alpha watch. It was only 5:00 pm., although it’s dark because of winter. But, still, people should be here.
I fumbled around in my pockets to find a cigarette, but all I pulled out was my lighter, and apartment keys.
Crap.
I forgot that I had gone on a cigarette strike ever since I started watching those documentaries of how bad smoking is and the damage it does in the long ru-
A sudden high pitched shrill sound pulled my head out of the cloud of thoughts, and brought my attention back to reality.
I dug my my hand into my left pocket and found the source of the noise was coming from, i flipped my phone up and pressed the small green phone icon.
Officer Riley.
What now?
I lifted up the phone to my ear.
“Detective M. Marshall.”
“You know where the View is, right?” asked Officer Riley at the other end of the line, sounding irritated.
“Y-Yeah.”
“I need you there. Now.”
“Why?”
“Three murders, in the bar.”
My heart dropped, the only word that could come out of my mouth was“Shit.”
“Gotta go,” said Officer Riley, ignoring my language. “These criminals are giving me aheadache.”
Right after that the next sound was the dial tone. I put the phone back into my pocket, and turned to James.
“We’ve gotta move, three more murders. Further down Rear street, in the View.”
James nodded.
James
“Could you clear this up?” I said turning back to the young pathologists. They nodded and began to cover up the bodies.
“We’ll give you the full report of the cause of the deaths at headquarters,” said one of them.
“Alright see you there.”
I turned to the police car to see Mason sitting in there both hands on the steering wheel. His dark brown eyes giving off no emotion but his facial expression betraying him. He looked worried, angry and slightly scared all at the same time. I guess he’s new to this kind of stuff. I moved quickly to open the door and as soon as I entered the passenger seat next to him he pressed the peddle, I would've fallen out of the seat if it wasn't for the auto belt,which straps you in the car, as soon as it senses you. His attitude has changed ever since he saw the first body. I closed the door, as the black vehicle rode through the night. I looked outside past the double glassed window to see the bright lights of the metropolis as we traveled further into the belly of the city. The further we went the more lights shone through the darkness. Lamplights, TV screens, flashing posters. It looked beautiful in a way, distracting the tourists from the gritty truth. Moor City, once a famous city that had the highest employment rates in the country. Now it’s an infamous city only known for crimes and illegal activity. But still, tourists come, just for the lights. Because in truth, this city shines so bright that you become awe struck, even if you’ve lived here for 21 years, still the urban landscape illuminates. If you look at the lights long enough, it kind of blinds you from the poverty and sin. That hangs around the city like a dirty odor.
The black car came to a gentle halt.
Mason sighed, took the seat belt strap off himself then got out. I soon followed, just to see a huge crowd around the View.
“Shit!” I heard Mason say to himself
My feelings exactly.
Going to be a long night.
Chapter 5: Thoughts
Elijah
Elijah knew what he was going to do. The Official Police Force would be on the scene quickly, and he would be the eye witness that tells the police everything.
Everything
Elijah smiled to himself. One down, nineteen to go.
Mason
The crowd in front us literally blocked us from entering. Their stupid chatter revolving around The View.
They’re pissing me off.
I clenched my teeth and was just about to open my mouth, but a hefty hand gently landed on my right shoulder. I looked back to see James smiling, his brownish grey eyes calm and still.
“I’ve got this,” he said, moving in front of me.
He quickly stuck his hand in his pocket, and brandished out the OPF badge.
“Move!” Bellowed James, he shouted in a way that made me jump and silenced every single person in the crowd. “OPF coming through!”
He held the OPF badge up high so that everybody could see. The crowd blocking the door migrated to the left in silence.
James moved in first confidently, ducking under the yellow "Do Not Cross" tape, smiling vaguely. I quickly walked after him as we entered the View.
James
There were two people in the bar. Besides the ambulance, one of them was wearing glasses, with black simp-like hair, and a creased white shirt. Breaking the rules of personal space.
"You're late," he said quietly, his face expressionless and his voice emotionless without tone.
"And you are?" I said slightly confused.
"OPF Detective, Ben Hampshire. Officer Riley should have told you two about that I'll be working to assist you two,"
"Well he didn't," replied Mason, in a hostile tone.
"This is my partner Alecia Williams," said Ben looking back indicating that the woman behind him was Alecia Williams.
She had long black silky hair that was done in a pony tail, her blue eyes beady and slightly further apart from each other. Her head shape was oval and she was wearing a black shirt that was buttoned up all the way to end. From the waist line below it was all black, her trousers and shoes were the same color as her shirt. The matching black clothes ended up being a contrast to her pale white skin. She opened her mouth
"Detective, Alecia Willi-"
"We can drop the formalities, since we're all going to be working together. Mason nice to meet you," interrupted Mason in a rushed rude tone.
I looked over towards the three bodies.
"Cause of death?"
"We've deducted that it's either poisoning, or natural causes." Answered Ben continuing in his toneless voice.
Mason
"Natural causes? They look young, too young to die from natural causes. It's got to be something else," I argued. I walked over to the bodies to find out that they belonged to guys that looked around my age; 24.
"Even so there have been cases where people as young as 16 have died from brain anuerisms," argued back Ben as his eyes narrowed in the process.
"But three people in a row? That's... not right," agreed James.
"Even so life is uncertain," replied Ben defending his case.
Is that his argument? Is he trying to mock me?
"But as James said, it's three people in a row. In a bar. Which is located in the middle of the city. In the evening," I said, and my voice slightly started to rise. "Poisoning happens on multiple occassions, and the most obvious place is a bar. Use your common sense," I added.
"You forget that you have to look at all of the sides of possibilities," Ben's dry tone of voice remained consistent. "Stop acting like a blind dog that can only see one image."
I realized i unconsciously started to clench my fists.
I turned around and headed for the door.
If I stayed any longer I'm pretty sure somebody's nose would be broken.
"I'm going to question the people outside." I declared, " Or did you two already do that?"
"Nope, we left it for you two to take care of." Replied the voice that belonged to Alecia.
"Oh, I see," my head still turned as I opened the door. "I'll let you know if I find anybody with information."
James
And with that, he was gone. The door swinging behind him.
Awkward silence consumed the room, as the three of us stood there, saying nothing. I looked at both of them. They looked lifeless and still.
Mason was smart to leave.
"Yup..." I whispered to myself.
He better hurry up.
Mason
The cold wind slapped me across the face as soon as I stepped outside. It has turned considerably colder since the first crime. The crowd had cleared off. There were only a few people left hanging around. Before I could take another step, someone with a huge presence blocked my path.
A huge dark skinned man, with brown foggy eyes, towered over me. Despite the coldness, he was wearing a green tank top, and loosely fitted cargo pants.
"Sir?" Was the word that came out of his mouth. His voice, surprisingly non deep.
I looked up to the tall tower of a man.
"I think I have an idea of who the Murderer is."
My eyebrows dropped into a frown.
"So you witnessed the whole thing."
"Yessir i did." His voice convincing me that he was a southerner
Not many of them around these days.
"Okay, hold on for a second."
My eyes slowly dropped towards my Alpha watch. I touched the menu, scrolled down past the lists of useless options and touched the notepad. Instantly a small blue hologram of a keyboard and a screen appeared from the watch.
I looked back up to see the tall man still towering over me.
"Name?"
"Elijah Williams"
"Age?"
"32"
"Occupation?"
He froze for a few seconds, as if he was thinking what to say next.
"Mill worker"
I began to type in everything he had just told me. I was aware of his foggy eyes looking down on me. I didn't need to look up to know that he was staring straight at me.
"Okay, begin with what you were doing here first, Mr. Williams."
He took a step back, and shifted his weight to the left uncomfortably. He sighed and then began to speak.
"I was just, waitin' to meet my cousin, who lives around here. So I was waitin' for him in the bar, because we were supposed to meet there so he could show me the city."
"And?"
He realized the haste in my voice and took the hint.
"That's when I seen an odd lookin' fella', he walked in, and quietly sat at the table next to me he wa-"
"How did he look like, Mr. Williams" I said interrupting him.
"Well.. err, he was a tall man.. About my height, he was also wiry and thin." He paused for a few seconds. In those few seconds, it looked as if he was recalling the thoughts he had just a few hours ago."He also had grey hair, almost turning white. He had wrinkles all over his face an-"
"So he was an elderly man?"
"Yes sir"
"What did he do next?"
"Well.. he kept to himself a lot. Never ordered anything. Then just got up to walk to the toilet"
"Only for a few seconds, he came out pretty quickly walking past the three guys that collapsed after he left."
How?
If what he's saying is true then, the murderer killed them without doing anything.
"Okay" I sighed, and pulled out the contracter from my overcoat pocket. "Give me your left hand."
"Not gonna propose are you?" He joked, laughing nervously at the his own joke that wasn't funny.
"Just give me your left hand."
He stretched it out sheepishly towards me.
"This is going to hurt. Sorry"
Right after that i slammed the contracter down on his arm with enough impact so the microchip would embed itself into his hand.
He grimaced with pain almost immediately.
"Now we know where you are at all times, it's just precaution. If we find out your story is false, we will find and arrest you."
"..Okay"
Elijah
The detective turned around and walked back into the bar, Elijahs' eyebrows deepened.
"Shit" Elijah muttered to himself, consoling his left hand with his right. Rubbing the spot were the microchip had been thrusted into. He walked away quickly from the scene before the detective would come back to inject anything else into him. It would only be a hindrance to his plan.
He pulled out his small notebook from his back pocket, opened the pages and swiped the pen that was residing between the pages. He flipped the pages until he stopped at a page where all of the criminals names were neatly listed in cursive. He clicked the pen and drew a line through Cobalt's name.
He walked towards Motel 101 where all the other criminals that were on his death list lurked.
He quickly ran up the stairs to his room, entered the keys into the rusted door knob pushed the door entered the room. And slammed the door with conviction behind him.
Elijah needed to move fast. If he was to convince the police that he lived in Cobalts' room he would be safe and Cobalt would be incarcerated. He ran into the kitchen that was somehow the living room too, and shot out his hand towards the drawer and pulled it out slowly despite the haste he was given off. He scanned the contents of the drawer and found a large butcher knife. He grabbed the butcher knife and pushed back the drawer fast. He reached out towards the kitchen towel and snatched it. He turned to the counter top and swiftly laid everything out in front of him. His face showing no emotion.
He slowly straightened out the towel, and with the same pace rested his left hand against it. With his right hand he took the butcher knife and gripped it tight. He raised it up and slammed it down, with as much force as possible. The shining metal knife cutting through the air before it sliced half of Elijahs' wrist off.
He immediately gasped with pain, suddenly feeling the heat of the room.
The pain was unbearable. Elijah, on the verge of screaming kept on going. He started to cut deeper. Sawing through his bone as the blood around his wrist began to increase. He kept on sawing through, his right hand doing all the work. His eyes fully concentrated on the sea of blood that was pouring out of his wrist. Every part of his body tensed. He gritted his teeth, closing his eyes as he lifted the knife just a bit and brought it down hard. He choked back a scream, stumbling back as he wrapped his stump up as tight as he could with one hand. He looked at his towel that was messily wrapped around his stump. The towel crimson red with his sinful blood. He staggered over towards the grungy bathroom. Elijahs' evening of pain wasn't over.
James
I opened my eyes to see Mason next to me, hands on the steering wheel.
"Finally awake eh?" said Mason blankly. This evening has obviously taken a toll on him. His eyebrows had locked into a frown. His eyes looked like they had sunken down into his skin, making him look like he hadn't slept for days. His knuckles where white from gripping the steering wheel too hard. He was thinking. And by the looks of it, it wasn't pleasant thoughts. I looked up ahead to see the OPF building looming right in front of us, as the black car descended towards the bright building. The car traveled straight into the car park next to it, Mason smoothly maneuvered the car to swiftly turn and park. He pulled the keys out abruptly and got out of the car quickly, not saying one word.
I opening the door and left. I yawned and headed towards The OPF station.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Hello! Rainbow Cabbit here! This is a rather interesting story. I love the development of the characters in the story. You did a really great job with Mason and Elijah. I really love how you really embrace that Elijah thinks he's doing the right thing by murdering these "criminals", even though his act is a crime itself. Also, I love how you make Mason act realistically by making him overly stressed and disillusioned. Most authors would end up making Mason really good at his job and loving it etc, so it's really refreshing that you haven't. However, the major flaw in this story is when you switch from first person to third person to back to first person. Try to avoid doing that in the future because not only is it confusing to the reader, it is also breaking a rule. I also recommend making your charater POV shifts more obvious, like bolding the character's name instead of just typing it so you can clear up any confusion. Other than that, it is a great story and I really should go and read the rest of it! Keep up the great work and good luck on this lovely Review Day!
Hi Imaginator17, Dream here with review on your story
.
Not difficult to understand the purpose of your story because it has a contrived plot story, as well as the delivery of an interesting story. 'I' (detective) as the main character required to solve murder cases, and assisted with several other side characters. Although at the beginning of the story looks very thrilling, there are some parts that seem to require a bit of effort to making it more interesting. Not a big problem, just add some more description.
The description is seem slightly hulking with simple sentence and a bit awkward because the character notify all items found like he was talking to the reader.
Edit back because I see some misspelling here.
Overall, I was impressed with some figurative language that you built in the story, and also suspense / conflict that you create. I really liked this story.
I suggest you to read a book that uses view / speech as the first person, 'I', as the main character because there are advantages and limitations that exist when you use this kind of story presentation style.
1.You have a wide space in the story. Can talk about anything, including feelings of the main character, because you are the main character here (I).
2.You can not speak / tell the story of someone else! You can just tell what you see. But here I see the differences, you seems to tell story in different character's views in different parts. I see it's work! So good job
Keep it up!
Kudos,cheers.