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Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.
For almost a year now, Justin, Sarah, Melody, Alex and Kelvin had been fighting a war that wasn't theirs to fight to begin with.
Justin sat on the cold floor of an abandoned German mental asylum trying to fight off the nightmare that he had just witnessed although he knew that he would never forget. He had only been nineteen when he had been dragged into the catastrophe that lay before them. He had never imagined that his life would turn out like this. Only one thing made it bearable, Sarah. Sarah was a year younger than he was, but looking at her now, she looked like a scared child.
"He's d-dead, isn't he?" She sobbed, as she lay in his arms. Justin didn't know what to do or say. There was nothing, short of lying, that would make Sarah feel any better, so he just held her, trying not to think about what was next for them.
He felt Sarah shift then bolt upright. "I love you, you know that right?" She questioned. He knew it, it was written all over her face. "I never, ever want to lose you, Justin." She said and kissed him with passion he didn't know existed.
"What are you two doing?" Justin heard Alex yell as he tore into the room. Alex was twenty-one and the oldest out of their group. He believed that he was better, stronger than the rest of them, but in reality, he was just as terrified.
"Resting." Justin retorted dryly.
"We need to leave." Alex replied. "Now!"
Justin looked down at the girl that lay in his arms. She struggled trying to lift herself to a sitting position, but failed miserably.
"Please." He begged. "Look at us. We need our rest. We've been running around this stupid place for days and nothing has come of it."
"You've got ten minutes." Alex said, his tone one of annoyance.
Justin felt a primal rage building from the pit of his stomach. He couldn't believe that Alex was acting the way that he was. He was supposed to be like family and now, now he was just becoming a man of no emotions.
"Alex, enough of this shit. Okay? We are children fighting a war for people we may never even see again. We're scared. Sarah just lost Kelvin. She just lost her brother man. Shut the fuck up-."
Justin watched as Alex's face morphed from stern and heartless to sympathetic. "I didn't know. I'm so sorry Sarah."
"You should be." Justin said as he rubbed Sarah's back gently.
"We- I- I" Sarah stammered. "I don't want to fight in this war anymore." She picked up her canteen and threw it against the wall, trying to relieve her frustration.
Justin took Sarah's arms in his and sighed. They were all tired and hungry. They had ran out of rations days ago. And Sarah had thrown one of the only two canteens that actually contained water.
"We don't know if he's dead Sarah. All we know is that he was taken." Justin whispered into Sarah's hair.
Melody trumped into the room, grumpy as usual. She threw her bag onto an old metal chair, and sat down next to Alex. He pulled her closer as he often did.
"We can only stay here a night." Alex explained. Everyone looked at him miserably, but understood. If they stayed, they'd be blown to smithereens. "Mel, go set up the traps."
Melody looked up at him and nodded. It was always her. She hated working with bombs and detonators. It took patience and she was running on very little.
"Why is it always me?" Melody muttered to herself, but went to do as she was told anyway. Being excluded made her feel invisible, but she did what she did best, without complaint. She walked down to the end of the corridor, set up a trip wire, and then rigged a few doors with grenades that exploded at the slightest touch.
Melody wiped her sweating hands on her pants and went back to work on the most complicated trap that she had ever had to set. The sound of a scamper alerted her to a rat in the area. She cringed as she watched it decide which way it was going to go.
"Please don't come this way." She pleaded with a rat that would never understand her. She watched it scamper left, then right. Finally deciding on coming straight for her. Melody dropped the instruments in her hands and started backing up slowly, hoping the trap wouldn't go off. That was when the rat chewed the wire...
BOOM!!
Justin heard the sound before realising what was happening. Melody hit the door frame as she flew through the air from the blast. Alex snapped his head up just in time to see Melody hit the ground. He rushed over, grappling fear taking over. He grasped her hand, looking into her eyes.
"Mel, wake up. Please babe. Wake up." Alex felt completely numb. He watched intently.
He held her in his arms waiting for her to wake up. She let out a soft moan and tried to sit up.
"W-What happened?" She said looking up at him.
"One of your traps detonated and you were thrown into the doorframe." He said leaning down to kiss her on the forehead.
She whimpered as he put pressure on her arm. He quickly pulled back up as he saw the pain on her face. She let out a moan and passed out. He gently lay her down and saw her arm, a piece of bone was only just jutting out of the skin.
Using his first-aid knowledge he pushed her arm back into place so it was straight again and stitched up the wound. Alex gently rubbed a medical cream all over her arm around the break and found a straight piece of metal to set the bone in place.
When Melody woke up, she felt a searing pain in her left arm. She moaned loudly, alerting Alex to her consciousness. He rushed over instantly, placing his hand on her forehead.
"Try not to move your arm."
"It hurts." She sobbed. He tried to relieve the pain by elevating her arm, but nothing could make the broken arm any less than painful.
"She needs painkillers." Alex said to anyone that would listen. Justin got up and reached into one of the crates.
"Here, this is all we got." Justin replied throwing Alex a bottle of whiskey. Alex thought a moment on whether or not he should give it to Melody. What kind of man would he be if he shoved a bottle of whiskey down the woman that he professed to love? He couldn't think of it like that. He placed the bottle to her lips and poured it down her throat.
Melody coughed at the intensity of the whiskey. He gently helped her sit up, placing his hand on the small of her back as guidance. Melody winced with the pain.
"Alex, it really hurts." She said.
"I know baby, I know." He said, as he held her close.
Slowly the whisky sunk into her body and caused a numbing effect. She giggled and snuggled up with him. She fell asleep on his lap, curled up into a ball.
"Pissed?" Justin asked looking over.
"Yeah."
Alex heard it before Justin. The door to the front of the compound slid open slightly, then all the way. A man, about ten years older than the rest, trudged in. Justin shook Sarah awake and grasped the weapon that he kept beside him. Alex nestled Melody on the floor before doing the same.
"Who are you?!" Alex shouted at the man who had taken a few steps back.
"My name is Luke." The man said with a perfected German accent. "I'm not going to hurt you."
Alex relaxed, but only slightly. His hand remained on his weapon and he looked more determined than ever to kill if necessary.
"Please lower your weapons. I mean no harm."
"Drop yours first." Alex told the man. Slowly, the man fumbled with the pack and dropped it on the floor with a clunk.
"Now you." The man said, gesturing to the AK's that Justin and Alex held in their hands. Alex nodded and the two placed the guns on the ground gently.
"Why are you here?" Alex said moving around so Melody was directly behind him.
"Saw your traps, looked safe enough. Needed a place to sleep." He said sliding down the wall.
"What happened to you?" Justin asked pulling Sarah into his arms.
"I fought by men that I trusted in. I believed they had the same values as me, then they kidnapped a kid. I couldn't believe it. I tried to save the kid when I escaped but..."
Alex was mortified. A sob escaped Sarah's throat and wouldn't have been that loud, had the room been dead silent.
The man pulled open his pack and rummaged around in it, he pulled out a book and a few ration packs. He through the ration packs on the ground. Justin could smell from where he was sitting that it was potato. Even though he realised that the potato could be rotten and old, he still wanted it with a passion. The war had made him realise that he took too many things for granted.
Sarah looked at the ration packs and quickly grabbed one ripping it open, she ate it greedily, licking the packet clean.
"Sarah!" Alex exclaimed as he looked at the empty packet. "What are you doing? There's barely any of those."
"I'm sorry" Sarah cried as she realised what she had done. She shook her head and curled back up with Justin.
"It's okay, darling." Justin soothed, rubbing her back.
"It's okay. They are for you." The man said looking up at Alex.
"Really?" Justin said looking up at him.
"Yea. You kids need them." He said pushing them closer to them.
Alex took one of the last two packs and put it on Mel's pack, resisting the urge to take it and eat it for himself.
Melody sat up gently rubbing her sore arm and wriggled onto Alex's lap. She noticed the ration pack and cautiously asked. "Is that mine?"
"Yea it is." Alex said gently.
She dived down and grabbed it, landing on her sore arm. She screamed in pain and rolled onto her back.
"Don't be so silly." He said pulling her back up with the ration pack clasped in her hand.
She opened it and ate it slowly, looking up at Alex. She noticed the hunger on his face and held up the half empty ration pack.
"No Melody, you need your strength more than I do." Alex said although he never took his eyes of the pack. Melody sighed,
"You're such a boy." She said and shoved it into his hands. Alex looked at it warily, he shouldn't, but he wanted it so badly. He shook a little of it into his mouth and groaned. 'It's so good,' he thought.
She smiled as he finished it off.
"It's getting late. You kids should get some rest." The man said looking at his watch.
Melody moved closer to Alex and curled up with him, gently kissing him on the lips.
"You know, I've got an idea of something we could do if we go somewhere more private." She whispered into his ear.
"Oh really?" He said back just as quiet. "Where do you suggest we go?'
"We could go in the other room." Melody said, biting her lip. Alex got up tugging at Melody's hand.
"Let's go."
She followed him through the door in the side of the room into an old store room filled with crates and supplies.
They went behind some crates and started to kiss, sliding to the floor in each other’s embrace.
Knight Dragon, here to review!
All right, technical first.
"Justin sat on the cold floor of an abandoned German mental asylum trying to fight off the nightmare that he had just witnessed although he knew that he would never forget." There should be some serious comma insertion going on. One after "asylum" and one after "witnessed".
"He felt Sarah shift then bolt upright.", the "bolt" just feels weird. Try "jerk" or "snap".
"He believed that he was better, stronger than the rest of them, but in reality, he was just as terrified." This is a tell sentence. Get rid of it, or work in the description elsewhere. But never just tell readers something like this.
"They had ran out of rations days ago." should be "had run".
Another tell sentence: "Being excluded made her feel invisible, but she did what she did best, without complaint."
Content:
"Alex was twenty-one and the oldest out of their group." Twenty-one and he's a kid? Seriously, people stop being "kids" when they turn thirteen. That doesn't mean they're mature, but they're definitely not kids anymore. You make it sound like they're these really young kids (7-12ish), but then they're young adults? Really?
And the plot is pretty much 'everyone is miserable but whatever let's watch these two couples be in love amidst chaos'. Please give the readers just a little bit more than that.
Hope this helps!
Heya, Life here to drop a review.
You did a pretty good job setting up the start of a story. I like the interactions between the characters, befitting their social statuses and relationships. My only problem with them is that none of the characters really stood out, as if they were slight variations of the same mold. By this I mean that none of them seemed to have any quirks of nature or speech that caught the eye. Of course, this is only the first chapter so you've only time for minimal character development. Anywho, maybe something to think about while writing on further.
I've nothing really to say on the plot as of yet; you've got your cast of MCs, the tragedy in their past, the moment of tension and then the mysterious, benevolent stranger. A foundation from which to build, in short, just as the first chapter should be. So yeah. On to nitpicks!
For almost a year now, Justin, Sarah, Melody, Alex and Kelvin had been fighting a war that wasn't theirs to fight to begin with.
Justin sat on the cold floor of an abandoned German mental asylum trying to fight off the nightmare that he had just witnessed although he knew that he would never forget.
Only one thing made it bearable:Sarah.
"He's d-dead, isn't he?" she sobbed as she lay in his arms.
"We need to leave," Alex replied.
She picked up her canteen and threw it against the wall, trying to relieve her frustration.
"We don't know if he's dead, Sarah.
..., and then rigged a few doors with grenades that exploded at the slightest touch.
She watched it scamper left, then right. Finally deciding on coming straight for her.
He said, leaning down to kiss her on the forehead.
He gently lay her down and saw her arm; a piece of bone was only just jutting out of the skin.
He threw the ration packs on the ground.
Sarah looked at the ration packs and quickly grabbed one, ripping it open; she ate it greedily, licking the packet clean.
They went behind some crates and started to kiss, sliding to the floor in each other’s embrace.
Points: 747
Reviews: 103
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