** A/N - This follows on from the prologue; http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=103926. This is only the beginning of chapter 1. I just want to know if it captures your interest & what you think I could add. It's more a case of I know what's going on with the complicated plot - but I need to know if you guys are with me or I'm leaving you all behind. THANKS! **
.Chapter One: Piper
Water drips from the ceiling with a repetitive plinkas I squeeze myself into the perfect hiding spot. Darkness is my ally. It swallows every inch of the prison. We have no light here in Shadowdale. We don't deserve any light.
I peer around the corner, waiting for the opportune moment. Timing is everything here and that everything will go smoothly if no one messes their part up.
Our cell doors are open during the days due to continued good behaviour but if we're caught doing anything prohibited, we'll all be locked in solitary confinement once more.
“Piper!” A voice whispers from across the hall. I scowl into the shadows.
“Shut up.” I hiss. “Just do your job.”
“I can't remember what my line is!”
I sigh and roll my eyes sky wards. Why do I have to be surrounded by such idiots? Shuffling myself back out into the corridor, I stride towards the voice that belongs to a fellow inmate, Bugs.
Bugs has been locked up for nine years now, two less than myself, and he still hasn't got a handle on how things work around here. You would think following a simple instruction would be easy enough, but no. Not for Bugs. I would keep him out of the loop completely but keeping him close by is much less dangerous. This way, I can keep tabs on his every move.
His tiny, Fae body his stood shaking nervously in a dark stairwell. I seize him by the collar, lifting his toes from the floor. He utters a squeak and chokes on his breath.“All you have to do is say, 'I just thought you should know that Meeks is forcing his way into the kitchens again.' That's it. Nothing more and nothing less. Got it?” A strangled agreement comes from Bugs' lips so I drop him to the ground. “Don't screw up.”
Back in my hiding place, I wait in silence. I can hear muffled footsteps coming down the corridor with Alys' sing song voice carrying itself along with them.“All I'm saying, Maxie, is that we could all prosper from having a new pipe system being put it in,” says Alys. Good, she's already started boring the guard. He's going to be glad for any excuse to get away from her. “I mean, you don't want to be smelling Hunter for another twenty years do you? A little hot water will do that stench wonders.”
They are approaching fast. Bugs better do this right or I will arrange for him to be Hunter's new cell mate. I can almost hear his pathetic little heart frantically beating from here.“Maxie, are you even listening to me?” Alys continues. “You know, it's rude to not respond when a lady is talking to you. Don't snort at me! Just because I'm not of your species, doesn't mean I'm not a lady and you're allowed to ignore me.” I smile at Alys' tactics. Shadowdale houses a wide range of criminal creatures and they all seem to have their uses. Alys knows Maxie is a mute and it will irritate him even more that he can't tell her to shut up.
Their two pairs of black boots begin to the round the corner, a flickering candle illuminating the way. I click my fingers. Bugs hears the cue and steps out into the path of Maxie and Alys. The stupid vermin is sweating profusely and trembling from head to toe. Could he look more suspicious if he tried?“M-M-Maxie?” Bugs stammers. “I just thought you should know that Meeks is forcing his way into the guard room again. I mean kitchen! He’s forcing his way into the kitchens!” Maxie's eyes widen with surprise and motions for Bugs to lead the way to Meeks. Alys follows, muttering about Maxie giving special treatment to male orientated problems. She turns and winks at me before they all disappear around the corner.
Alone at last. Free to do my part of the job. Free to do exactly what I do best; smuggling in forbidden goods.
I walk a short way through the dark corridors, my eyes permanently adjusted to the conditions after all these years. Stopping at a low wall drain, I look around me before crouching down. I grab hold of the cold, damp bars and pull hard. The grate comes away in my hands and I place it silently beside me. I slip my black leather jacket off and throw it next to the removed grate.
Dangling my legs through the hole, I lower myself down into the underground pipe system. My feet make soft splashes in the shallow water.
The underground tunnels are my favourite place to be in this hell hole. The darkness seems closer down here. Almost as though it is pressing in on my lungs, forcing me to take shallow breaths, forcing me to actually feel something. My eyes begin to play tricks, making me to believe in the distorted shadows of creatures that aren’t really there. My hearing heightens, picking up every drip of water that falls and every creak of pipe that threatens to collapse. Adrenaline courses through my veins, making me feel alive for the first time in months. To bottle up all emotion up in the prison is non negotiable. I will never let anyone see that I have the ability to feel again. They stripped me of that privilege the day they threw me in that cell. To survive, I must play them at their own game.
I take my usual underground route counting the correct amount of left and right turns I need to make in order to reach my destination. A smirk plays across my lips when I think that it if this was anyone else, they would be lost in minutes, stranded to die down here alone.
After ten minutes of negotiating the maze, I see a puddle of light a few metres in front of me. It’s so small that if you blink too fast then you could miss it all together.
I splash towards it, look up at the hole where the beam has worked the it's way through the cracks of dirt and let the slice of light hit my face. This is the only time I ever get to feel the warmth of the sun. The beam of gold is my own sliver of paradise and I won’t give up the location for anyone. I let the sunlight dance over my fingertips for a while, savouring the beauty of it.
A bag hangs low from the same opening and I begin to untie it with quick, skilled hands. Opening it, I find the usual items that are appreciated amongst the prisoners. A large chunk of soap, a few old newspapers, tinned food, bottled beer, a few personal items for particular inmates and my specific request; dark brown hair dye.
I smile at the opening in thanks to my outside source, Neda. She was released from Shadowdale three years ago but not once has she forgotten to deliver necessities to those of use that she left behind.
I take one last look at the hole to the outside world, watching the dust particles dance gloriously in the spotlight. I sigh and shake my head, clearing these thoughts from my mind. Now is not the time for sentiment. I need to get my head back in the game before I resurface.
I make my way back, slinging the bag of smuggled goods up through the grate before myself. I'm just about to rise to my feet when my left hand is crushed under a pair of heavy, brown boots. I bite my lip in agony, refusing to cry out and holding true to my vow of never showing emotion.
Looking up, I find a demon named Winslow smirking down at me with his heavy boot twisting down on my fingertips. A low whistling begins from behind Winslow and his brown boot crushing my hand. My skin crawls as I recognise it instantly. Elijah. A demon of a dangerous reputation. A demon that even the prison guards will only half-heartedly deter. A demon that I cannot bare the sight of.
“What do we have here?” he says. I throw a curse at him, hating him with every inch of my body. “Now, that's not very polite. What's in the bag? Ah, another one of your smuggling expeditions was it?”
I watch helplessly as he plucks the bag from just out of my reach. I hear him rooting through my bounty, anger pulsing in my veins as he pockets what ever he fancies.
Winslow stamps down harder on my fingers making me wince. He cackles unpleasantly, bends down and pushes his face into mine, his breath reeking of rotten onions. Bile rises in my throat. I will never forget that smell for as long as I live. It immediately transports me back to the moment I was thrown in this pit. That same putrid smell lined along my cheek.
Rage roars through my muscles at the memory and I throw Winslow off me, punching him square in the nose. I hear a satisfying crunch followed by his howl of pain.
“Don't you ever touch me again.” I breathe heavily. Winslow just smirks at me through the streaming blood of his broken nose. Elijah laughs and breaks the defeaning silence between us.
“Will you two ever learn to get along?” he sighs even though he is frowning at his repulsive sidekick. “We're all in the same boat now, Piper. No matter where we all came from.”
I turn to face Elijah after putting my leather jacket back on. I glare for a long time, right into his deep, blue eyes searching for any sign of understanding. I see nothing. He really doesn't have any idea does he?
Elijah is my sworn enemy. A species that is the reason I am down here in the first place. Angel versus demon.
I snatch the bag out of his hands, give him a look of deepest disgust and stalk away knowing truly that those facts will never change.
End of chapter
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139,388 Literary Works • 672,542 Reviews
"I understand you're a [woman] who knows how to get things." - Andy Dufresne (sort of)
Opening with a paraphrase quote from Shawshank means someone should ask Morgan Freeman if he has time to narrate another unfortunate soul stuck in prison. Prison does offer an intriguing setting for a plot, if simply for the desire to know how to escape if ever inside one. Prison, not surprising, just so happens to be the primary setting of this story. Having read a terrifying and intriguing prologue, I was compelled to read the the story proper and examine Chapter One of, "Shadowdale."
THE HOOK -
Not counting the prologue (which is technically the hook that got me to read this in the first place, and you should read it right now... Revised Prologue - Shadowdale), the chapter begins... kind of with a stutter step.
Now I have both A.) ran in track and field and B.) an unforgiving case of dyslexia. Meaning that typically, when it comes to spelling in grammar I tend to just plow right on through and make my way to the finish line without evening noticing if you misspelled anything at all.
That being said, there is nothing more frustrating then stumbling right out of the block at the start of a race because of a missed comma, or extra article that shouldn't be there. Unfortunately, this happens enough to where a reader might forfeit their willing suspension of disbelief, and be pulled from this particular narrative.
However, people relax, it's a first draft and we're here to help. So keep reading.
Why? because these lines... "Darkness is my ally. It swallows every inch of the prison. We have no light here in Shadowdale. We don't deserve any light."
Holy shit! I know about the character/narrator, the environment, peripheral characters, and the hint of an internal conflict within the character/narrator as well as the obvious external conflict: being in a prison.
This is a good example of brevity in sentence structure and still being able to convey compelling and detailed information. Enough information at least to make the audience continue reading...
THE STORY -
It shifts tone. Yes, it is still dark. Something however feels just a hair or two off from what I read in the prologue. If I had to put my finger on it, I would have to say the fault is in the leather jacket. I'm getting ahead of myself though...
Our protagonist, Piper, has been stuck in some kind of demon/angel/Fae/supernatural prison long enough to know how to survive. She's a fallen angel, punished (presumably) for committing some kind of crime, maybe.
Having learned how adapt to her new environment like a hardened inmate, the audience is clued in to her inner struggle; still being able to feel human... or angel? She still remembers to feel real, and in prison, that is a less than desirable quality compared to survival.
Perfect example of the need for survival instincts over emotional response comes in the form of Elijah and Winslow; demons, nasty, hostiles.
Unfortunately, the end of the chapter, although ripe with questions, is rather anticlimactic. There's kinda of a stare down, sure. But whether it be the wording or that leather jacket...
Okay, my beef with the leather jacket and (SPOILERS AHEAD! READ THE PROLOGUE) It appears to be that Piper is the same Angel that gets sent to Angel jail in the opening scene. Her wings are hacked off, and she's stripped of her clothes.
It's not that she has to be naked in the following chapter after however many years stuck in prison, but the leather jacket almost feels like jumping the shark. In teen fiction, a leather jacket is a cheat that says, "this character is tough." Piper organizes prisoners to distract guards, crawls through pitch black pipes, and has survived in a prison with demons after having appendages of her's sawed off; all of these tell your audience she is a bad ass you don't wanna f*** with.
So unless it is a crucial plot point you can't live without, I advice against the leather jacket.
THE GIST -
After having read and watched one of the best movies ever made, when I read anything with a prison my mind immediately jumps to Shawshank Redemption. If you don't know what that is; go crawl out from under your rock, pay Netflix the 8.00 dollars, and watch a cinematic master piece.
It's about hope.
When one finds themselves in a hopeless place, a prison, a pit, a black hole void of any chance of life, all that is left is hope. Before hope however, there is anger, guilt, regret, and resentment; all of which are sewn into the first chapter of this novella.
Piper seems to radiate these emotions despite her hardened outer shell, which begs the question of how she got to be the way she is now. Clearly she still has hope, but how will her arc resolve the other internal struggles that burdens her?
Do we as an audience care? Based on Chapter One, one might be a bit sympathetic, but having read the prologue one would surely be on board to see Piper make it through to the other side of a very long dark journey ahead of her.
If you construct a character with depth, and intrigue, that has a promising arc to resolve, you have hooked your audience.
THE CRITIQUE -
So I mentioned the jacket, and I won't say anything more about it. Moving on.
Go grab a friend that loves reading and happens to be a perfectionist and have them look over your draft. Spelling and grammar should not be the things that keep the author of an interesting character and setting from completing their work. But it needs to get fixed.
The ending doesn't have to be a cliff hanger, but I would highly recommend that the stakes be sufficiently set. There is a hint that, perhaps, Piper should just cave in and become just an average inmate joining sides with the demons. Maybe instead of hinting at it, bring that subtle threat to the forefront. Maybe Winslow and Elijah threaten Piper with a join or die ultimatum? By presenting the audience with a character that still has integrity, and then giving her a challenge she has to over come... in chapter two; I (the reader) will be tricked / compelled to keep reading to see what happens.
All that being said, Piper is a character that I as a reader would be willing to invest my time in to see how she evolves and escapes from her current predicament.
THE END... finally -
Fantasy is hard to right. So much has to be defined without spending to much time in the details and sacrificing character development and pacing. So far, this author is on the right track.
So keep up the good work Olive, who doesn't just Dream about writing, but writes like her soul depends on it.
something didn't happen here
huh?
the next chapter
haha i know! I've done later snippets but I get too caught up in the big things that I like to write! I get so stuck in actually finishing anything I start
And I really love these characters.
Your fiance wouldn't be distracting any would he?
hahahaa! Nope! He's always going on at me to finish a novel. I get too distracted by new ones!!
oh right those little thingys.
That was very good, it left me wanting to read more. I think the best part was right away the reader gets a feel for the main character. It also leaves him/her wanting to know more, these are two qualities that make a start to a good book.
I like it. It's very well written. The story makes sense so far. It is still mysterious. I feel like everything you write is going the right way so smoothly. You are a star! Keep writing please.
Great changes! And add adding parts. I love a good rivalry
Alright, those small details you added really do help with the story. i noticed a problem at the beginning though.
“Piper!” A voice whispers from across the hall. I scowl into the shadows.“Shut up.” I hiss. “Just do your job.”“I can't remember what my line is!”
That should be fixed like this.
“Piper!” A voice whispers from across the hall.
I scowl into the shadows.“Shut up.” I hiss. “Just do your job.”
“I can't remember what my line is!”
You did it right with the others dialogue so I'm assuming this was just a slip up. Better detail, and hopefully that'll carry through into chapter 2, and the rest of the book.
FIXED! Thanks Malachi - You're the best
Honored to be called so.
When I saw this was up I was like O_O "You never told me!" Then I realized you posted this today, so I'll hop to the review then.
Okay, first mistake I see and it has to do with past and present tense. If I am reading this correctly then you are writing in present tense, but what I see in this upcoming line is past tense. I would change this.
Okay, so my second little nitpick is here where you forgot a slight apostrophe.
Also in the third to last paragraph you spell adrenaline wrong.
Okay, now onto the more important part of the review. I really like what you did here. You introduce the setting, tell what the problem is throughout this first chapter, and say that they have a plan. Now this makes us wonder, what is this plan? I myself want to know, you had me shivering with anticipation. As for characterization, I really like what you did with Bugs. He seems like anyone might seem after living in this "Shadowdale" for so long. The only thing I didn't quite find realistic was Piper's everything. Unless Bugs is way smaller than her, I find it hard to believe that she could actually pick him up off the floor with only one arm. They've been living in this Hell like place, so I would only assume that they aren't nurtured and don't get all the nutrients they need to be as strong as Piper seems. Also, it's amazing how much she's changed. In the prologue she was so frightened and regretted turning to the darkness to help, but now she likes all the place that seem closest to the dark. Seems like she did a complete 180 there, but that's just my opinion.
Now as for flow. You did perfectly here. I saw now areas, not even a slight little section that could use the slightest adjustment, so well done there!
I love Alys. With all her rambling and then the wink I can really start to understand what kind of person she is. She's like the natural actress that acts not quite so smart, but she knows more than she lets on to. I am glad that you included her as a character because to be honest, books need more of these types of people because you rarely see them.
Your ending is the only real thing I had a problem with. It was a little sudden. It ended on a nice note, but in no way did you wrap up, or fold or whatever phrase :p the chapter. I would have liked some indication that it was going to end if I hadn't seen that it was before I read it. It's like when someone reads aloud and at the end of a sentence they read it so it didn't sound like the end. It just stops.
Overall I am really interesting in seeing where this is going, I really wanna know what they're plan is and I love Alys! (Her name too) All you need to alter a bit is the ending and Piper. Other than that I am very excited and this plot seems really good! Update me as soon as chapter two makes it's way out!
Sushi
SUSHI! You're comments are always loved as usual.
I love Alys too. She is so fun to write! I always seem to fall in love with a less important character.
Piper does a 180 U turn because, after the dramatic way she entered Shadowdale, she's turned all her emotions off and will never trust again. She believes that is the only way to survive her jail time. I guess I could make this a little clearer though.
<3
SUSHI! You're comments are always loved as usual.
I love Alys too. She is so fun to write! I always seem to fall in love with a less important character.
Piper does a 180 U turn because, after the dramatic way she entered Shadowdale, she's turned all her emotions off and will never trust again. She believes that is the only way to survive her jail time. I guess I could make this a little clearer though.
<3
Oh & it's only the beginning of chapter 1 - I didn't post the whole thing
O_O You didn't?! When you do I must be updated! And the thing with Piper makes a lot more sense now. This was really good ^_^
This is a great follow-up to your prologue. It skips several years, but since it doesn't seem like much has happened that's fine. Very well written, but I think you could us more description. There still isn't much of a sense as to where everyone is. I thought it was a prison, yet it seems that the prisoners can walk around unhindered.
Now, the part in the pipes was cool. The thought that that would be someones favorite spot seems at first absurd, but when you explained why it was, it a really cool idea. I think if you could add a little bit about where the MC goes it would help. Like this:
They stripped me of that privilege the day they threw me in that cell.
I continue on my usual route, turning right down a pipe once, then left twice. Anybody else would get lost in minutes, and could die down hr never knowing where they were. I take another left, then several more rights, finally reaching my destination after ten minutes.
Or something like that. I think it would show more the MC's familiarity with the pipeline, and interest the reader more. It's just an idea, you can tell me if you like it or not, it won't drastically change the chapter, but it might help add a little more danger to the pipe system, creating a more suspenseful atmosphere.
Besides that all is good, the story is REALLY intriguing, I'll be reading more for sure.
Keep it up!
Thanks for your review - you have NO idea how much I appreciate it.
I totally see the prison thing and how I haven't explained that they just wander around, Will fix that!
I also love the idea that you've suggested about walking through the pipe system. It's perfect.
Thanks again
You're welcome. for the pipe thing really helps to show your MC's thought process down, there and how dangerous it is. Glad it helped.
BTW, i think I do know how much a review means.
AAAAHHHHH!
Hey *nods all cool and stuff* Wat up.
I think after the dialogue you should start a new paragraph because at first I thought it was the narrator speaking but it isn't.
This just sounds the slightest bit awkward to me. I think it might sound better as: "and he still hasn't gotten the hang of" or "a handle on."
This seems a bit extreme. But that might just be because I don't know the character yet. I'm not sure.
I like it. And yes it makes sense so you're thoughts have come out coherently
Thanks! I totally see the 'handle of' thing. It must be fixed! She's so strong because she's an Angel - guess I could kinda make that a little clearer. And yes he is teeny weeny.
I just read through it and the repetitive I is annoying me so much! Thanks for pointing that out
no probelemo
I always like your stuff