Prologue
A fierce wind whips at my bare skin and tangles my golden hair as I desperately look for an escape. I have never known a rage like this. Why did I do it? Why did I trust them? Dark shadows close in around me, chanting a language that I don’t understand. All I can hear is anger and betrayal.
A deafening boom thunders above me, followed by a burst of flames erupting in the spot I was standing, moments ago. Biting heat licks at my tears as I stare in horror at the towering flames before me. The hem of my white night dress starts to burn so I try to scramble away. The fire begins to close in, forcing me further backwards. I stumble on to my knees and turn with a terrified cry when I realise that there is nowhere for me to go. Nowhere for me to go except for an enormous, gaping black hole leading to who knows where.
I unfurl my wings and push myself into the air, desperately searching for a way over the fire. The chanting shadows howl at my attempt and force me back down with a forceful wind. All I can do is dig my nails into the gritty floor, begging to be spared.
Sobs rack my body as I come to terms with the choice that has been placed before me. Being swallowed by a roaring inferno or plummeting down a pitch black void is a choice that I don’t think I will ever be ready to make. A choice that is my punishment. A punishment I deserve.
“I’m sorry!” I scream at the dark shadows, but deep down I know it is too late.
I feel the skin at the end of my fingertips slice open on the stones as I am dragged backwards by the wailing wind. My legs fall over the edge of the void leaving me suspended and holding on with all the strength I have left. The noise of the shadows and the wind makes my head spin and I don’t know how much longer I can hold on.
The fire dances higher, crackling and spitting, almost knowing that its is close to its morbid goal. Why did I do it? Why did I trust them?
One more angry, ear splitting boom fills my head and pain sears through my hands. I can’t hold on. I have to let go. I try to stretch out my wings once more, to be ready, but every scrap of strength has deserted me and I finally drop into the oblivion.
Falling…
Falling…
Falling…
My back hits the earth, knocking the breath violently from my chest. I howl in pain as my wings crumple beneath my coughing body. I try and to look where I have landed. My eyes slowly adjust to the darkness and I spot three pairs of eyes staring at me. I go into survival mode, kick my legs at the floor and push myself back against a damp wall. The staring eyes just come closer.
They belong to three guards, sneering down at me and all dressed in black. A stark contrast against my white dress. I feel like a candle in the darkness, waiting to be snuffed out.
“What do you want?” I whimper, barely recognising my own voice.
“Guards, take off her dress,” a gruff voice orders followed by cruel hands darting forward and grabbing my arms, fingertips bruising my skin and then yanking me up. My burned, white dress is ripped from my body leaving me to stand naked and shivering. Who are these people?
“Why have you left those wretched wings? Off,” the same gruff voice spits. I see a flash of silver in the darkness and I cry out with fear. My wings are sliced, mutilated beyond recognition. I have never known pain like this. Whether the emotional or physical pain of losing my wings is equally the same, I will never know. I have gone numb. They will be of no use to me anymore.
“Number.” A sharp, bite erupts on my left forearm. I struggle but the guards grip is too strong for me to break. I look down and see the number ‘185’ glaring back at me, the skin broken and bleeding where it has been brutally inked.
“Take her down to the cell,” the voice demands. All of his words sound rehearsed as though this ritual has been repeated again and again.
I am dragged and shoved down a wide corridor, whilst trying desperately to cover up my stripped body. I can hear various whispers as we pass row upon row of black, iron doors. A hand shoots out from one of the door grates, grabbing at my hair and slamming my skull on the bars. Black spots of unconsciousness flicker behind my eyes as a tongue licks the full length of my cheek. A scream escapes my lips. Thankfully, I am roughly pulled aside by the guard who is leading me but I feel blood dripping through my hair.
Shrieks and shouts are now echoing down the corridor, mixing in with my own pathetic cries for help. An iron door swings open before me and I am thrust inside a cell so hard that I fall to my knees. I scramble around to look at my captors.
“Don’t leave me in here!” I shout. “Please!”
The only thing I see as the iron door begins to close, is a pair of dark blue eyes glowing at me from the cell directly opposite. The iron door slams and I am left to sob in the darkness. Why did I do it? Why did I trust them?
End of chapter
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139,388 Literary Works • 672,542 Reviews
Okay, looking for work to review. Let's see here... "Shadowdale." Hmmmm, probably some teen fiction about vampires, or fantasy nonsense... huh, what's this?
A desperate escape from Dark Shadow People?
Being sucked into a black void of despair?
Captured, tortured, and someone getting their wings ripped off?
WHAT. IS. THIS?
It's awesome and I wanna read more, that's what.
This is really intense! Frankly, I found your prologue to be quite interesting, but sort of wish that we could have a clearer image of the character. I mean, there are places you could twist the words so you can describe the situation along with our character's appearance. Like, nearing the end:
"
The only thing I see as the iron door begins to close, is a pair of dark blue eyes glowing at me from the cell directly opposite.
You could rewrite this so it would be: "The only thing I see as the iron door begins to close is a pair of dark blue eyes boring into my equally intense (e.g: green) ones; staring at me from the cell directly opposite."
Also, you're a little vague in a bunch of places. For example:
"I have never known a rage like this."
Whose rage are you talking about here? Specify!
And then you could improve this sentence with the addition of a word:
"
A deafening boom thunders above me, followed by a burst of flames erupting in the spot I was standing, moments ago.
Make it MERE moments ago. It emphasizes the intensity of the situation.
I like how you've written:
"I feel like a candle in the darkness, waiting to be snuffed out."
Very apt description!
I hope this review helped! Keep writing!
~Pompadour
This prologue leaves you wondering and wanting more, so great job on that. I can for the most part, envision the setting, but I have no idea what the MC looks like, other than the fact that she has golden hair. And when she falls into the black pit I would suggest you us more description than just falling, falling, falling.Perhaps explain the wind rushing through hr hair, or hr thoughts of what might happen when she lands. It seems like only a short drop or she would'v been seriously injured, but I just can't really tell. Good job though.
Keep it up!
Cool! I was on the edge of my seat
Hey Olive! Robbie here!
She seems like a relatively level-headed character with some form of a conscience that most people would relate to. I just felt as though I was the only one freaking out for her in that paragraph.
I just think that they could have at least one or two more lines by the end after she screams "Don't leave me in here!" If you want them to be ruthless and gruesome you should have one of them like spit on her or something and then say something mean, just to be an extra douche. Is that gross enough? 
Overall, it's intense enough to be extremely interesting but some of the already disturbing things that are happening could just use a little more overplay. I'd really like to get to know this protagonist better. Job well done Olive! Let me know when you put up more!
So, this story was awesome! It's extremely dark and intense- my kind of story- and I just want to start by saying I'm REALLY glad that you asked me to read it!
BTW, love the last line of the first paragraph! I think maybe it could use a few extra words, like "All I can hear are the sounds of anger and their betrayal." Or something! It's just a suggestion because I really like the imagery and I found myself wanting to stay on that particular thought. I don't quite know what anger or betrayal would sound like, but I like this line because it actually makes you wonder...
"I feel like a candle in the darkness, waiting to be snuffed out." This is probably the best line ever. Again, imagery is spot on! I've noticed you have a real knack for that.
"My burned, white dress is ripped from my body leaving me to stand naked and shivering. Who are these people?"
I feel as though this could use something more- a few more thoughts other than just "who are these people?" The main character is experiencing something pretty traumatic and I don't exactly get the impression that she's a total badass, or even a sociopath for that matter.
And just the description of the dress- the "burned" and "white" details were used twice. It's just a little repetitive is all.
OH and EWWW! Haha! All of a sudden there's a tongue licking her face! I had to double-take on that one.
But, you said you'd like some advice on your guards... SO, let me just say that they are already pretty awful. They strip her and then chop up her wings. They are not on my good list right now.
Another suggestion I have is to use a little more blood! She just got her wings clipped for all intensive purposes, her head bashed in, and she's got a new tattoo. That poor girl is just red all over!
These suggestions are pretty minor. I didn't see any blatant grammatical errors. Anything that I did see didn't really take me away from the story too much, save for the "naked" paragraph, which just needed a little more added to it.
Wow. That was a good beginning. I loved all the description, and you really drove the point home on the key factor, her trusting "them" that caused her punishment. But I felt like this was missing two things. One, who is "she"? There's no name, there's no face, nothing but her perspective and the fact that's she being punished for something by "them". And what is she? Is she a harpie? A humanoid bird creature? What? She has wings, but what is she? A simple sentence thrown in after her fall, such as "ravens bodies aren't designed to take that kind of punishment, but I survived" would work [raven chosen just as an example. Again, I have no idea what she is]. But otherwise this was really great! You should definitely write more. If this is any indicator, I'm sure whatever comes next will be awesome too! Hope this helps!
Okay! Wow, you really did improve this quite a bit! The flow is a lot smoother than before because it doesn't feel like you're trying as hard. I think it also made it better to understand now that you brought her wings in earlier in the story, and the way in which you did it makes sense and doesn't seem random. There were some typos and comma misplacement, but I'm sure if you read through this out loud you'll be able to find them. This has a really fantastically created mood and I can just hear the epic music playing in the background as all this happens. The part about her fingers being sliced really made me shiver, I felt like I could feel the pain because you made the mood that intense.
About submitting this a second time. There actually is an easier way of doing this where it will take up less space and depending on the price to publish, save you points. Just go to the edit button, then once that's done and you feel like you could republish it, then check the bump this piece button. That makes it like you just published it, but it takes up less room, costs less points and allows you to keep all your previous reviews. Good job and keep up the good work!
Sushi
This was really good! I liked it a lot. The action made me keep reading, and I didn't want to stop. Keep up the good work!
Thank you
Wow! That was action packed with great descriptions! You were quite effective on hooking me from the beginning and kept me reading all the way to the end-- and now I have a hunger for more. At first, I had wondered if this was going to be a novel like Maximum Ride, but you totally broke away from "a girl with wings" kind of story by having the guards mutilate/detach them. You've made the story your own by captivating us with the setting as well; it's like a prison she's thrown into, with a number burned into her flesh and everything.
One of my favorite parts in here was when the girl was grabbed by someone in a cell when she was passing and it licked her cheek. That was totally creepy and gave the story a real kick. It took it on a whole new level and now I know you're capable of conjuring up something uncanny and disturbing. I love writers like that.
There was one part that I believe if you described a little more with some really gut-wrenching descriptions could be truly spectacular. When she fell into the hole, I think unveiling the guards and how brutal they were to the narrator could be tweaked to make it more vicious and gritty. The narrator is a symbol of something almost pure; she has a white dress and wings. She's like a light in a dark place. You could make a contrast of her and the horrendous place she's thrown into by describing her angelically and then using some dark descriptions for the setting she's in. This is completely my opinion of course! Either way, I love what you have concocted here.
I only spotted one little typo in the sentence 'I am dragged and shoved down a wide corridor,whilst...' There just needs to be a space between the comma and whilst, and you're set! Your grammar and punctuation was practically flawless; your sentences and paragraphs flowed gracefully. An amazing job!
I can't wait to read what happens next! This was a great way to launch your story-- one of the most effective prologues I have read. You have so much talent.
-Kev
Thank you! So glad you enjoyed it. I really loved your idea about pointing out the contrast of her light to the dark. I've added it in.
I will message you when I post the next chapter
I thought this was amazing! So descripting! I thought I was standing right there!
Thank you