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Caution: Wet Floor

by MisterThien


Caution: wet floor. Left slippery still
by the overspills of heavy hearts
like little cups forgotten in pelting rain.
Here, a boy stands, face hidden in hands,
his breath but a whimper that lingers
behind each drop of his despair, each one so free
to leak through the cracks of his fingers.

Caution: wet floor. The broken dam still stands;
a pool of bruises at his feet, so big and blue
that his slightest turn, his slightest twist, amiss,
lands the boy slipping, downcast as fast as thirsty waterfalls.
But the slip sounds no crash; a mere splash
as the floor melts before him like thawing ice:
a clumsy dive into an ocean of woe.

The boy flails in the water and thrashes for air,
submerged by the surge of salty waves:
wet fire to his eyes, burning away.
He chokes on heavy gulps of misery
that sink his chest with weight impressed,
deeper and deeper into the abyss.

The boy falls asleep on the seabed floor,
roused by the sweet sounds of those he adores,
but the taste of his own tears is sweeter
and easier on the tongue than any answer he could utter.
So he rests in the piteous waters known so well
and watches lifebuoys float away; farewell.

At his throne, Poseidon waits
for any man to claim his home is harder a place.


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Points: 350
Reviews: 3

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Sun Sep 01, 2013 1:30 am
violinlover73 wrote a review...



This poem is one word. Great. I love how you rhyme everything, becuase truth behold, i am usually in favor of ryhming poems. I like the amount of detail which for me, chids me to keep reading. The only thing i would have done differently, is your 2nd to last line. You wrote " Posidon waits." I think i would have wrote " Posidon awaits." The way you wrote thins gives me a clear image of what your trying to say, so bravo on the imagry. While reading this, i thought of Percy Jackson, but i don't know why.




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Sat Aug 31, 2013 11:46 pm
Stori says...



Just wanted to mention the rhyme scheme. Fantastic.




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Mon Aug 26, 2013 11:18 pm
lyricalrebel wrote a review...



Hi :)
I'm going to review your work. You know what I love about poems? Emotions and metaphors and yours is one of the best but a simple tip to you: Prevent making each line a fragment. It is somewhat informal but all in all, you did a great job. Keep it up!




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Mon Aug 26, 2013 10:56 am
Sparkle wrote a review...



Hi! Sparkle here to review!

Wow, I love the way you presented this poem. The stanzas are the perfect length, and the use of the repeating 'Caution: wet floor' is absolutely excellent. Your use of metaphor and description really give me good images of what you mean to say in this poem.

I'm going to take this stanza by stanza.

"Caution: wet floor. Left slippery still
by the overspills of heavy hearts
like little cups forgotten in pelting rain.
Here, a boy stands, face hidden in hands,
his breath but a whimper that lingers
behind each drop of his despair, each one so free
to leak through the cracks of his fingers."

I think overspills should perhaps be spillovers. I just think it sounds better, but it is good either way. I love the imagery of the heart spilling over like cups in rain and little boy with his whimpers behind his despair. It's very heart-wrenching and sad, but beautiful.

"Caution: wet floor. The broken dam still stands;
a pool of bruises at his feet, so big and blue
that his slightest turn, his slightest twist, amiss
lands the boy slipping, downcast as fast as thirsty waterfalls.
But the slip sounds no crash; a mere splash
as the floor melts before him like thawing ice:
a clumsy dive into an ocean of woe."

The pool of bruises is wonderfully done. I can't say enough about your imagery. It's fabulous. I think there should be a comma after amiss so that it says that his slightest twist was amiss instead of him landing amiss. I like that you said he was downcast by slipping and falling when downcast means looking downwards and being depressed. It adds another layer to the poem.

"The boy flails in the water, thrashes for air,
submerged by the surge of salty waves:
wet fire to his eyes, burning away.
He chokes on heavy gulps of misery
that sink his chest with weight impressed,
deeper and deeper into the abyss."

I think this would flow better if you took out the comma after water and replaced it with an 'and'. The 'wet fire' stuff is great, ect. ect. You're making it difficult to review here with all this wonderful writing!

"The boy falls asleep on the seabed floor
roused by the sweet sounds of those he adores,
but the taste of his own tears is sweeter,
softer on the tongue than any holler he could muster.
So he rests there in piteous waters he knows so well
and watches lifebuoys float away; farewell."

This is very interesting, how he chooses sadness over happiness. Very well done in this stanza, and interesting idea.

"At his throne, Poseidon waits
for any man who claims his home is no easier a place."

This is an excellent ending, and a very good way to bring a poem such as this home.

Wonderful poem, I hope this helped!

Keep writing!




MisterThien says...


Thanks for the lovely review! I'm glad you enjoyed it!



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Mon Aug 26, 2013 4:16 am
Xreigon wrote a review...



That is somewhat morbid, but I liked it still. My poetry ends up being dark anyway, so who am I to judge? :)

This is a good format for this poem; the lengthy stanzas work. However, you do need to make a choice whether or not you are going to have a lot of punctuation. In your first stanza, most of the sentences did not end with punctuation, but in the last one, most of the sentences end in commas. You ought to go back and look over it. It could look better if you chose which punctuation format you want to lean more towards.

As to the actual content of the poem, I liked it. It is a narrative in poem form. My favorite lines were, "The boy falls asleep on the seabed floor, roused by the sweet sounds of those he adores".

I would suggest that you change the title to "Caution: Wet Floor". That might tie it all together better.

I liked the way that you wrapped it up. The Poseidon mention brings the reader out of just the boy's story and wraps the poem up nicely.

Those are mostly nit-picky things, so good job! Keep on writing!

--Xreigon




MisterThien says...


Thanks for the review!




“Though lovers be lost, love shall not; And death shall have no dominion.”
— Dylan Thomas