There once was a boy...

There once was a boy round the age of seven. The Angel of Death took him, but not to Heaven. He took him to a faraway place, and showed him the foulest most hideous place. This place was not Hell, no not even close, and yet even the boy did not know of its boast.

This place stank of death and it looked none the better, so the boy took out tools and he wrote a long letter. It read “Mommy I don’t really know where I am. I was playing outside and suddenly this man just came up to me and said that his name was Death; I think he is right from the smell of his breath. Please do not worry I will be home soon. Hugs and kisses, your little boy, June”.

So the boy did turn and he said to the man ‘why have you brought me here? What is your plan?’ The man did not flinch, nor did he move, but the boy heard a sound and the sound was so smooth. The boy did not waver or fault in his breath, but stood a bit taller and said more in depth.

“I asked you a question, what is the plan? Why have you brought me here you disgusting man!? What do you want with me and why have you done it? When can I go back home to the summit? I miss my Mommy and I miss all my friends, why is it that you won’t tell me your plans!?” The man then turned and said very low, “quiet now kid if you want to get home”.

He spread his fingers and the clouds that were black, were now turning white they were changing back! See the place where the man had taken the boy, was not a land that was ancient and coy. This land was not something that people despised; this place was a haven for all vermin and lies. This place that was once so horrid and yuck, was actually a great place under the muck.

But the man closed his hands and the clouds went back black, and the boys face fell as he said “That was slack”. The man slumped his shoulders and said with a frown, “That was once home to me and my crown. The people I ruled and the power I had, all turned to ash and now look what I have”.

The boy could suddenly feel nothing but pity as he saw what this man was and his once great city. For this man who was now called the Angel of Death, was really just a thing that was done, out of breath. It had run its race and done its dash, and all that was left were memories and some ash.

The boy walked up slowly and put his arm around Death; he looked him in the eyes and took a deep breath. “I know you are sad and I know it’s not fair. I know that you hate being stuck up in here. This place was once great and this place was once holy, but now all that’s left are pieces of rock that are mouldy. But you can’t let this thing drive you into the ground! You are the Angel of Death not some poor circus clown!”

The man did just what the boy wanted him to. He lifted his hands again and away they flew. He took the boy home and said hello to his Mother, and the boy shed a tear as they embraced each other. He saw what the man was and what he had become, and how many people had all come along. Oh there was once a boy, round the age of seven. The Angel of Death took him. But not to Heaven.

Comments

Points: 249
Reviews: 122

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Wed Jul 31, 2013 6:08 am

aouther2b wrote a review...

Okay with such a diffrent piece I am going to take a diffrent approach than how I normally review. Lets get craking.

Paragraph 1
Great start. You had me intruiged right away. Perhaps you could change the repeatition of the word place because as of now it makes it seem a little bit off. You want to have repeatition usage with meaning.

Paragraph 2
Great job at giving more insight to both the boy and his surroundings. Love the picked up his tools however there is something I would like to address. "stank of death" because you have "death" as a character this phrase looses it's meaning. Perhaps be more descriptive of what the smell is, you could even associate it with sight or another sense. When you use the word Death in this poem you need it to mean the person or else it looses its meaning.

Paragraph 3
I like this paragraph. It is good at setting the scene for what is about to come. The ryhme is really good as well. Not a lot to say about it but that is okay.

Paragraph 4
Great work here. Death's short speech was good. I don't know how much I like the boy's words. I would have rather seen quick speech and another visual of what is happening then the boy talking about wanting to go home. That is just me though.

Paragraph 5
I like how you change the image of the place bringing it back to the idea that wherever this boy is isn't heaven or hell. You give a mixture of both with bringing in the white and talking of the beauty amongst the "muck". However I think you need to add a comma to "turning white they were changing back" after white.

Paragraph 6
Intresting paragraph. While I think the rhymes were a bit forced you brought more of a human esque appearence to Death.

Paragraph 7
Again another very intresting paragraph. You continue to make Death more human which is good and bad. While you want to be able to relate to the Angel of Death you are also making him loose some of his power.

Paragraph 8
Great rhyme here. Not at all forced and the words you chose were well chosen. With that being said you talk about the boy putting his arm around Death and looking him in the eyes, giving the idea that this boy who you had stated was seven, is taller and older than he is. I would advise you to take another look at this boy and perhaps change is age which may help with the believability in him The boy being so worldly and knowlegeable doesn't leave me with the impression he is as young as you say. The only thing supporting that is the letter he wrote to his mother.

Paragraph 9
I like the ending. I don't love it but its very good. I am glad you wrapped it up but I feel you could have been more discriptive in what had happened. You left me wanting more at the end.

Overall:
This is a really good solid piece. I myself like to try and potray Death as a human, and one that is very human at that. I try though to keep him/her still the powerful idea and being that he/she is. In your case it is a man, which is fine, but he is almost too human that you loose some of the idea in there. Your message while very clear doesn't really match the complexity of your poem. I think it is a good message it just wasn't the right one for me. I did however enjoy the originality and diffrence you have created. Rhyming paragraphs is really cool. While it may turn some people off I have fallen in love with it. In all I would give it a 8/10. Great job and keep writing!!!

Points: 2117
Reviews: 159

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Tue Jul 30, 2013 12:00 pm

Skydreamer wrote a review...

Alrighty. Here I am to review!

First off this work was kind of strange through-out, but interesting and unique. Actually I don't mind the rhyming paragraphs, I like them, and I think they work as a sort of childish riddle of such. : ) They are nice.

So that said, I am going to go paragraph to paragraph reviewing. I'll do the nitpicks/suggestions/editing first. And then I'll say what I thought of it in logistics and writing.

1st paragraph

This place was not Hell, no not even close, and yet even the boy did not know of its boast.

I think this needs to be revised. I don't exactly know what you mean, but I understand that you want to continue the rhyme throughout. I think that you should search words that rhyme with "close". And find the one that best matches, because boast seems a little bit strange. But another way to writer would also be:

"and yet the boy did not know of any of it's boasts."

For the paragraph I thought it was a good start I guess, I took it as more of a playful type writing though to be honest. So if this was meant to be taken seriously I'd suggest not going with the rhyming scheme that you went with.

2nd Paragraph

I thought the rhyming for this was good, but "tools" doesn't seem like the word to use in this occasion. Maybe, "he took out his pens" which messes with the rhyme just a tad bit but not much. You could also say "he took out his writin' tools" or something like that. With just "tools" it's subject-able to confusion. Also it was a little strange to me why this boy would be writing a letter when he may not have the possibility of sending it. XP These type of things re small, but it's good to have slight realism there as well. But then again it's just if you think you can fit anything else in there, because I sort of understand what you were trying to say. That maybe he needed the comfort of writing a letter or something. But I was lost one day and I didn't even think of calling my mom at first, I was crying. haha, you know what I mean? But I guess I understand.

3rd Paragraph

So then boy did turn and he said to the man

A correction I made is in bold.

Also your "Why have you brought me here? What is your plan?" Is in '' <----- those. Probably a slight accident. XP

The rhyming of this one has been the best thus far, so great job!

4th Paragraph

Hmm... I am not too sure what to say about this one. I thought it was fine, good that he's showing some emotion, I feel like more could still be shown, there are many things that rhyme with tears and such. XP But other than that, it's alright. : )

5th Paragraph

I found this kind of weird and not fully explained, how is it a haven for them? Why is it a haven? Is it because of the beauty or because of the freedom that they have in there? It seemed like to me, that the boy was thinking the place was not so bad just because of the aesthetics of the place, the beauty. A bit more description would have been nice.

6th Paragraph

and the boys face fell as he said “That was slack”.

I have no idea what you meant with that. I mean, why was it slack? Wasn't the being showing him the positive inside the world? I found that phrase very confusing and contradicting to what was to come and to what was written before. I'd really suggest looking that over again and tweaking it. Also I found the purpose of the man taking the child to his city, just to show him the devastation very strange and confusing. I feel like there must be more purpose to him showing the child the land. Does the child have some connection to it? Is the child going to inherit it? I think it's an important thing to look over your meaning and purpose of the story.

7th Paragraph

this man who was now called the Angel of Death, was really just a thing that was done, out of breath.

I don't want to overuse the word confusing, so I'll say puzzling. XP I wouldn't use the term, "done" I would use the term "said" so that it could describe why breath is being brought into the equation because at first that line was really puzzling to me.

The rhyming was good! And again though I just found it strange that he was brought for the purpose of just seeing it all.

8th Paragraph

"mouldy" I think you meant "moldy".

I found the ending of this paragraph pretty funny. It sounded pretty silly, but in a good way, whereas I found it humorous. But I'm still a little stuck on plot, and what this boy was doing there in the first place.

9th Paragraph

The conclusion did not sum up all the questions the reader may have as they are reading. And it surely did not sum up all of mine. But the biggest thing was the you repeated it start. I am not sure why you did that as it does not really have any connection with the way that I felt it ended. I am not sure what you meant by "the man did just what the boy wanted him to" does that mean that he only put the boy back home? Because the boy was telling him, to go fix his place right? So I think that needs some look over. Although there were some great rhymes in there.

Overall

I definitely think that you need to take another look at this. There are some parts where you need to check the rhyming and then some parts where you need to check the plot and the realistic aspects that should be there. The boy was furiously asking the angel to tell him why he was brought there and instead of being answered, the angel suddenly told of the land's demise. That doesn't really make sense, and if it did, which it could, the ending didn't confim or explain anything, it didn't sum anything up, there seemed to be no purpose.

I don't mean to be harsh, so please don't take it that way. This could be good, and it was kind of cute/funny to me, but that said, I think that you really need to focus on that story-line. Meaning in such story's really matter. I hope you take some of my advice/suggestions.

--Keep writing and dreaming!

Points: 15691
Reviews: 382

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Tue Jul 30, 2013 10:29 am

Dreamy wrote a review...

Hi,
Straight to the point. This is an very good piece of work. I really loved it. It was very lyrical. And you have done a good job in not making it blunt. You are a amazing writer. But what lacked was the story and the imagination.You have the potential, but you could have worked more on the content of the story.

June was playing and he was taken by the Angel of death. You haven't said why. Was it because he fell in a well, or met with an accident or the Angel of death simply targeted June because he seemed like a boy who will listen to his sad story?

A little description on why he was taken by the Angel of Death would have made it even more interesting. I didn't find any major mistakes of such, you have used (;) instead of (,).

I must say that you are an amazing writer because making sense with lyrical words is very difficult,as far as I'am concerned and you have out-witted it.
All you have to do is concentrate on the content and let your imagination flow.

Keep writing,all the best!Cheers!!!

Points: 300
Reviews: 0

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Tue Jul 30, 2013 10:18 am

harris says...

I dont lik fantasies. But in urs case. I found it different. lol!

Blackwood says...

Dude learn how to spell.

thewritersdream says...

Blackie let's not be mean.

Points: 10657
Reviews: 332

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Tue Jul 30, 2013 10:16 am

Blackwood wrote a review...

There once was a boy round the age of seven.

You mean around.

He took him to a faraway place, and showed him the foulest most hideous place

You said he took him to a place then showed him a place. In effect you just said he went to a place twice which doesn't sound very smooth. Try combining both of these into one. For example:
He took him far away, and showed him the most foulest and hideous place.

of its boast.

Boast is not a noun, and a place cant have it, so this doesn't make sense.

Ok I thought this was a short story because it looks like one so I started reviewing it was one, but then I noticed that you were trying to rhyme and that it was a poem. What I said before still applies, especially the place thing, you cant rhyme a word with itself.

This is not set out like a poem which is why I was confused in the first place. It looks like a story and in effect reads like a story. Perhaps you should put in some stanzas.

I started reading in rhyme now that I know its a poem and it actually has very good rhythm and sits well in time.

“Mommy I don’t really know where I am. I was playing outside and suddenly this man just

You want to rhyme man with am but you need to have man at the end of something or before a comma in order for it to work.

After finishing reading it I think the story-like poem reads quite well. I see this more as a sort of dr-suess rhyming story than a poem.

To improve it I think you need to stop repeating alot of words. You use the same words over again such as man and plan and rhyme them with themselves.
It would be better if you can think of new words.

Anyway good job, it had very good rhythm despiteless.

Young Writers Society

There once was a boy...

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