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Wealth's Delusions

by KittyCatMeow


Is being rich truly good?
Having everything you desire
from electronics to food
buying everything without tire
 
The challenges disappear
effortlessly buying things
making all seem clear
feeling like the king of kings
 
Bored out of your mind
looking for something to buy
life is just a bind
colorless eons that fly
 
Money mortal things may bring
but love leads to the wedding ring


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55 Reviews


Points: 39
Reviews: 55

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Wed Jul 31, 2013 1:54 pm
mb1221 wrote a review...



Wow, this poem is so beautiful. The idea you are trying to convey within the poem is so clear, which is good. It makes it easier for reader to understand. (This is really important to me, because most of the poems are written in a vague language and I don't understand them. That's why I am not a really big fan of poetry) :P

I liked the way you used cross rhyming. I think that it is the best type of rhyming. It's catchy and it sounds so beautiful.

I also liked the simile you used, which is "feeling like the king of kings" and the imagery "colorless eons that fly".

I really liked it. Keep writing satire poems. You are great!!! :)




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65 Reviews


Points: 306
Reviews: 65

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Sun Jul 28, 2013 7:34 am
deleted17 wrote a review...



Oh so very very true! Once you have money you have everything, and that takes the challenge away at chasing your life dreams...Unless you just so happen to be Reaver, from Fable 2.

The meaning is like I said is true, and is something should read when that green monster strikes. (Envy) I actually thought of my friend when I read this. He's such an egomaniac...

Any way I also found this very funny, in a way. Because it just describes aristocrats and their quest for power and having ties with the royal family or whatever.

I liked it and thought that it was a good poem with an air of truth about it.( Sorry, listening to Fable 2 castle music)

I hope to have more and I congratulate you for writing a poem about with satire which is a very hard thing, seeing as this is the only poem in Satire. You have a talent for this.

~Keep On Writing~ Team Dory <3

With All Do Respect
Whole Some Reader




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331 Reviews


Points: 10565
Reviews: 331

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Sun Jul 28, 2013 5:06 am
Blackwood wrote a review...



FIRSTLY.

Money mortal things may bring

needs rephrase or comma. reminds me of yoda, I know what your saying but its a bit fixed up.
NEXT.
buying everything without tire

The challenges disappear
effortlessly buying things

in effect you just said buying things twice, you should think of an alternate phrase to describe this.

OVERALL. Epic. Like it, It truly proves my theory, money is not the answer... power is! Long live me.
But in all seriousness I do get it. I'm being super blunt, super rushed, I don't know why. GET BACK TO WORK and write some more satire. Out with it buddy.
I love you.




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409 Reviews


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Reviews: 409

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Sat Jul 06, 2013 8:55 am
Willard wrote a review...



OSD, Obsessive Shoping Disorder
Im a big fan of Satire and Poetry
Good job on filling my needs
The point I got from this was
"Mortals buy things for themselves and lovers
That only, in the long run, satisfies others"
I got that
I really liked it and I'm not sure if there is more.
Good job
I enjoyed it
Dr.Strangelove gives you!
7.2/10
:)




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6 Reviews


Points: 240
Reviews: 6

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Fri Jul 05, 2013 9:05 pm
deleted12 says...



Hi I really liked this poem cuz only very few people seem to notice this...so..yeh
Nice poem! :D




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83 Reviews


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Fri Jul 05, 2013 3:53 am
skorlir wrote a review...



Take with salt; mind the edges.

I like reviewing your work. :)

Is being rich truly good?
Having everything you desire
from electronics to food
buying everything without tire


The last line feels forced. The rhyme is alright - nothing spectacular - but the line itself just doesn't fit poetically. Its length feels off, its timing not quite right. Reconsider.

The challenges disappear
effortlessly buying things
making all seem clear
feeling like the king of kings


The second and fourth line suit each other wonderfully. But not the first and third. "Making all seem clear" is a bit of a non sequitur; I'm not sure what you mean to say.

You have very much avoided unnecessary language, and I applaud you! I don't know if you were thinking of my earlier review at all, but this is far improved.

Bored out of your mind
looking for something to buy
life is just a bind
colorless eons that fly


"colorless eons that fly" also does not seem to suit. It does not add to the poem. It is slightly forced. The first two lines are good; the last two are not. The point, so far as I can see: life is bland when one has everything one wants. But this does not come across well. Rephrase, but don't completely revise - this stanza is good, just somewhat... off.

Many mortal things may bring
but love leads to the wedding ring


The first line is a fragment. Bring what? And that makes the second line less clear. Furthermore, I think you end on a note which does not follow the overall theme of your poem - you are talking about wealth, what it brings, how it can be deluding. But then you end by claiming that "love leads to the wedding ring?" Non sequitur.

I think you mean to claim that love triumphs over wealth in providing real happiness - but this does not come across.

You have an interesting and somewhat beautiful message, and the poetry is quite good; not only that, but many of your rhymes are very good. About 50% are excellent; the rest have potential.

Alright, my favorite lines: "effortlessly buying things/feeling like the king of kings." This is spectacular. It rhymes well, it has balance, and it speaks to me. Try to use it to inspire your revision.

Be forever hortatory,

~Skorlir




KittyCatMeow says...


Okay. I just read your wonderful review! The last stanza's first word was actually "money" if you read it correctly.

I'll try to update you when I change some of this!




The simple truth is that authors like making people squirm. If this weren't the case, all novels would be filled completely with cute bunnies having birthday parties.
— Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians