Reality's Melodrama

To start off with, very nice message you have going on here. I like your use of words, like Ivy said. You have a nice start here.
One thing I would look into is your style...It is all over the place. Even for a free form, I think you should try to have a bit more uniformity. But really, that is nothing much. Going along with that thought would be to align your stanzas a bit differently maybe?

I like how you ended this poem, though. Very nice. I think you did a good job on this one.

But, I do think that this is a bit....overdone? overused? This is a very hard topic to work with without it being unoriginal. You didn't to to bad a job, though. You really put what you feel into this. I like that

Great job, keep it up!

~Rainn

"Warm blood in my veins started to rush,
as our sparkled mystical sights
collided and crashed,
deafening silence, tremble of heartbeats,
thoughts of my mind I will always repeat."
I particularly enjoyed this particular part of the poem, as it made love seem like hot, bubbling lava.
Your vocabulary is absolutely exceptional, so I'll be really looking forward to stealing, not your ideas but some of the vocab you've used.

I like the little bit of insight at the end. Most of this poem is too overdone for my taste. There's a point where writing about common experiences isn't as exciting anymore, because we all kinda know how they feel. But when you brought out that extra information at the end, how this is melodrama, not real drama, that was getting at something electric.

I wonder if you meant it that way, and I hope you did, because having that insight can change the tone of the entire piece. Instead of over done, you get into this idea that even while you feel this emotion and go through all the actions with this emotion -- staring out the window, the rush of blood, you realize at this point that it's all just a melodrama, that it's not real or of any consequence, but it's still what you spend your time on.

I wonder then if you spend your time on it because you have nothing else to spend your time on, or if something made it attractive to you, so that you subject yourself to the empty dance even though you know after the moment it won't be as pleasing. These would be much more interesting thoughts to slip in very subtly to the poem.

I am also wondering what this poem would feel like if you abandoned the rhyming. Could be something to experiment with: you'd end up with two versions of it. That way instead of your words being somehow dictated by the rhyme scheme, you could pick whichever words you want.

awwww....now that's what i really like because of two reasons-
1. i KNOW how the one sided love feels
2. the poem was just so real!!
seriously i loved it! and the way you mentioned how it feels when you realize it is one sided love...and the way we think that it is a fairytale and it's not! and staring out of the window at night and thinking about the person you love is so true! if you are a guy then HATS OFF!! if you are girl...i do expect something like this from you! i FELT your poem and it was a pleasure reading it!