Published May 30, 2013
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Greetings!
I really like this poem, I think you have really captured some strong emotions and topics in this! I can really connect and understand the poem which I think is a very important aspect to gain your reader's attention, so well done.
Their are a few things I would like to advise you on; I thought the poem was fluent and consistent most of the time, however there were a couple of points that felt a bit forced and disrupted its fluency. "A doll is what he made me to be" to me this feels a little forced and slightly awkward so I would perhaps say instead "A doll is what he makes of me" ? This has the same rhyme and meaning, though this is your poem so its your decision?
What helps me is to read you finished poem aloud to yourself and then you will see if there are any glitches.
The second point I would like to make is that the use of the words "most" and "lost" in the second stanza don't really rhyme very well and again disrupt the flow. I would try to find an alternative word.
Their were a couple of grammar mistakes but previous reviewers have already mentioned them. Also grammar is not the most important thing to me, so I would worry too much about it!
Nevertheless this was a great poem which I'm very glad to have read! You really know how to convey such a strong sorrowful tone behind the words. The poem has great meaning and strength to it, so keep it up!
Glad to of had you for the secret Santa!
Keep writing,
*~Annapurna~*
Oh..
This is sad...
maade is made..
And, "Even as a doll, I can still cry such sorrowful tears?" should be "Even as a doll, can I still cry such sorrowful tears?"
I like it overall....
I like the last line, on just how it sounds....
Thanks!
Happy Review Day June 2013!
Team Fire Flower!
pegasusgirl2
What a beautiful poem. So beautiful that it has calmed even me. I'm guessing this is about someone with odd feelings. Who has been transformed into a doll by some man. I can't know for sure since I didn't write this.
In any case, the 'made' had two a's in it. That's the only flaw here.
Flow: I love the flow of this poem here. (Look at me loving a poem about love.) The flow is so toned and sensational. It's perfect. Keep up the good work!
~Dark <33333
thanx to all of u
I like this. The mistakes that I notice have already been pointed out, and know how annoyed I get when people continue to point the same thing out over and over. So, I guess that's all I got. Well done.
Hello Id Like to suggest a few things
Maybe you had a typing mistake but it is made and not maade.
In the second line
You need to write it in a more poetic way
You wanted to match the words so that they rhyme but remember never put up words just to rhyme the words. It wont make any sense at all.
Its not necessary to rhyme words but if you do then they should make sense.
In The third line .. remove that space before the fullstop .Thats a mistake.
You need to make the lines sound more like poetic ..
There were grammar mistakes and spelling mistakes but i really appreciate your work
KEEP GOING
Hi there! YWS is cool, isn't it? Welcome!
made, not maade.So firstly, spelling, grammar and punctuation:
You have a split infinitive. To and be may not have a word between them. Put the never before to and it'll work.
Remove the space before the full stop.
Otherwise, it's all good.
Rhyme:
I see you have a form of pair rhyme going here. At the start, it doesn't catch your eye, because it is mostly not full rhyme. This is nice and subtle:
But this is very pronounced and may even impact your poem's effectiveness:
Try to avoid too sharp rhymes because they drag the reader's attention straight to those words and they tend to scud over the actual lines. It can also give the poem a sing-song quality.
Lineation:
The line lengths are good, except the one here:
Shorten it. Perhaps, "Can even a doll cry such sorrowful tears?"
It has more rhythm.
Theme:
What day? Readers aren't stupid, but they can't read minds either. I think the darkness of your theme certainly comes across, and perhaps this is an abusive relationship going on? But keep individual ideas more concrete too.
Good job! I hope to see more of your writing soon!
barefootrunner
This poem is very nice. Though it had a single spelling mistake. I liked it a lot. Keep up your good work. Good Luck.