Young Writers Society

"I know will meet again." should be "I know we will meet again."

"My tears will dry,
No more ill cry,
But it hurts so bad just to say good-bye."

1.ill should be I'll
2. It would sound better if the second line said: No more will I cry
3. To keep a nice poetic format, you could try using less words in the last line. For example: "but it hurts so bad to say goodbye."
4. Another thing, goodbye doesn't have to have a dash. haha.

"You were my life, My everything
But now sweetheart you're gone" If you are going to keep sweetheart in this line you should have put a comma next to now.

Uh oh, always remember to capitalize "I": "And still----> i <----dont understand,"


"It's so hard when memories start to flow, of all the good times we had planned" There shouldn't be a comma after flow.

"Our god is such a gracious god
He gives us each so much,
He let me keep your memorie near
so we could keep in touch."

I really love that stanza, the only thing I found wrong with it was that "memorie" should be memory.

Great poem, really great.

Toodles.

This is absolutely a beautiful poem. I know what it is like to go through such a loss, but that doesn't make it any easier on you. I can feel the pain and sorrow in this poem and that is part of what made it so beautiful.

My favorite verse was

"your life was not in vain
You touched so many lives on earth,
with your life and
through your pain."

The flow and love expressed in this was just amazing. The way you put your feelings to words here is very impressive.
Poetry and writing helps get through these pains in life.
Continue on!

~GC

Hi gabrielle13 and welcome to YWS!

First off, I'm truly sorry for your loss. It can definitely be healing to write about such events. Overall, this touches on a lot of the emotions of grief. That said, it could be stronger.

One strange thing was the structure. Some stanzas are free verse, while others rhyme. Typically, I'd try to stay consistent. If the rhyming seems forced, go with free verse, but this could work with a well-done rhyme scheme.

My main critique of this is that it sounds nice, but doesn't feel super personal, although I know it comes from that place. If you feel up to it, I suggest bringing up more images of your relationship and the aftermath. From the first date to the last words, what scenes stick out? What stands out about how he died, the funeral, how things changed after his death? Since you mention God, was faith important to him as well? While this can be difficult, it can elevate the poem to a new level of originality and make it more interesting to readers.

Finally, I'd suggest you go over again for spelling/grammar. There's quite a few typos and missing punctuation. I saw "ill" when it should be "I'll" a few times. While the rules are looser in poetry, I still usually suggest punctuation as in prose and cleaning up spelling/grammar. Punctuation makes it easier to read and proofreading will make people take the piece more seriously.

Overall, there's clearly a lot of emotion in this, but I think it would be stronger with more images. Welcome again, and keep writing!

Oh my god! I started crying! just a little longer and I would be all out sobbing! That was beautiful, I'm sorry for you truly . It was a very warm and respectable piece . I will leave it up to other people to talk about any negatives because I just couldn't bring myself to try to find them, they would only be trivial such as a slip in rhythm or spelling or something that doesn't really matter when your writing is so passionate.

Keep it up
~Speakerskat

Let me just say first that this was totally beautiful and brought tears to my eyes.

But, and I always hate having to point these out, there were some grammar mistakes.

Capitalize all of the (I)'s, and use a comma when doing a conjunction. (I'll) instead of (ill). It's just a little confusing because my brain is reading it and subconsciously going "that's ill as in sick," when you're really saying (I'll).

And also, the sentence

"It's so hard when memories start to flow, of all the good times we had planned"

I feel, should be separated. So it would be,

"It's so hard when memories start to flow,
of all the good times we had planned"

instead.

Those are the only things I saw, and trust me when I say that I've seen worse (I've been worse).

But my gosh, your words brought me back to last year when my grandmother passed away, and it was so beautiful and heartfelt, and I cried.

Really good work!

Great poem although sort of sad it flowed nicely and it wasn't choppy. It was very deep and I enjoyed reading it! Fantastic adjective and it was (once again) very very deep and a very very great poem