NOTE: If you really like this 'book' as you may call it and want to keep up with it, you should check this other website missliterati. I really like youngwriters better but because you need points to post, it takes me longer to post here so I'm 100% updated on missliterati, so here's the link if you want to try to figure it out.
http://www.missliterati.com/stories/planet-of-malonians-513a85ad15634c353802dd13
I awoke the next morning to sun shining through the window directly into my eyes. I squinted and turned on my side. The simple action aroused thousands of little butterflies inside my stomach that made me feel slightly sick. I reached on my wrist for my device, only to feel a small scar that reminded me of its past existence and instead reached for the rectangular contraption called an iPhone.
After a few minutes of struggling with the small circular button on the front, the iPhone turned on when I clicked the even smaller button on the side. I moved the device away from my face, expecting a large holographic screen to appear in front of my face, but instead the rectangle itself lit up.
“What the heck?” I muttered under my breath and slammed it onto the bed. I wanted badly to holograph my mother, but no matter how many times I touched the two buttons, nothing happened except for darkening and lightening the screen. Finally I touched the rectangle itself where it said ‘contacts’ and the screen changed, “Yes!” I practically bounced off the walls with excitement when I saw the word ‘Mother’ appear on the screen, “Yes, yes yes!”
“Mother?” The object made a strange recurring noise until I heard mother say “Hello? Who is this?”
“I can’t see you Mother, it’s me, Marzil.” I held up the rectangle expecting a hologram to appear, but the farther I moved the iPhone from my head, the harder it was to hear Mother’s tiny voice so eventually I gave up and put the object next to my ear. “Mother?”
“Yes Marzil, how is training school going?” I could hear the soft pitter patter of her feet, probably pacing back and forth in the hallway.
“It’s alright, I don’t have much time to talk, but mostly, my name is Hannah now, because that’s a Human name, I learned to drive a car, and Human’s drink! Water!” I could practically see Warzle there in my room demonstrating what drinking was, “Today we go to clinic, I think I’m turning white today.”
“No, not my baby girl, you’re brown, like the rest of us, not like a Human!” She sounded frantic. If Mother knew where I was, I knew she would get on a plane herself and march straight through those locked iron doors into my room. When Warzle tried to turn me white, I could see her stand in front of him with her hands on her hips predicting his every move.
“Sorry Mother, but its ok. Just please, don’t trouble Warzle.” Just then Yazoo let himself in and I flinched when he stopped and starred at me. “I have to go Mother, Yazoo’s here.” Again I struggled with the device when pressing the buttons did no help. I threw the object on the bed and starred at it for a moment, “Do I need to get changed?”
“Actually no, we’re going straight to clinic this morning; it’s just straight down the hallway. White skin, Human hair cut, nail trim, you’re going to come out of there thinking you’re an actual Human.” I hesitantly followed him out of the room. Yazoo seemed over excited, but I felt as if tears were building a blockade behind my eyelids that could fall over at any given moment.
“Marzil?” Another man I hadn’t seen before asked my name, starring at 8 different sheets of paper. He scratched something off on one when I nodded and motioned for me to follow another strange man, leaving Yazoo behind.
Silently, the man locked me in a room with a full container of unknown substance. He pulled the clothes off my body and pushed me into the liquid. The liquid acted like ants and gathered around my body, forming bubbles where it touched the skin. The bubbles tingled and burned slightly, but not so bad to be unbearable. The man pushed my head under water and kept me there for about ten seconds before pulling me by the hair from the container and shoving my clothes and a towel in my arms.
Back outside of the small room, a woman this time guided me to a chair, she also remained completely quiet. The other 7 kids were already sitting in their chairs and I followed their actions by sitting in my own. In front of me was a large reflective mirror and from my seat on the bouncy cushion, I stared at myself, now completely white.
“Ugly.” I whispered under my breath as the woman cut my naturally brown hair. Somehow, my hair didn’t change at all during the whitening process. I closed my eyes and imagined myself meandering through the underworld as she trimmed quietly away at my long, tangled locks.
“There,” She stepped back and I opened my eyes again. My once long hair that had stretched down to my lower back now barely reached my shoulders. I let a small tear go and she pivoted and took my hand in her own. I turned my head away from her sour smelling breath and listened to the clicking sound of the nail clippers. “A real human. You must be excited for your journey to Earth tomorrow.” I snapped my head around and stared into her sparkling green eyes. I was furious. Furious enough to kill someone. I might even be happier dead right now
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Hello! Let's have a look at what you have here shall we?
Watch out for spelling mistakes. There's a few more but I'm sure you can find them for yourself if you proof-read this!Specifics
1. I'm not sure if butterflies is the right word. This normally describes a feeling of nervous excitement, either when someone is looking forward to someone or is speaking to a boy/ girl who they like. It feels like this person is nervous, rather than nervous and excited.
2. I'm loving the character's confusion about the lack of a hologram and generally the uncertainty about what an i-phone is or how it works. That's very nicely done - good stuff.
3. I'm confused as to why turning white would make this person more human. Humans can have brown skin so why do they feel the need to change this characters'? Unless she/ he is completely white, rather than our own definition? I think you need to make that clearer.
4.
5. Try to be more descriptive - what does this room look like? Is it big or small? What colour is the liquid? Is the character made to strip their clothes off first or do they go in with clothes on and can they feel the liquid burrowing under them? I want to feel this character's emotions and to practically see their thoughts and you can achieve this by describing more and really bringing us into their head. Make them our eyes to this unfamiliar world.
Overall
I like this, especially the beginning with the i-phone, but I feel like I need the procedure to be more harrowing. I don't feel like the character is in any danger during it or really feel like they are losing anything. I need to feel how much this is a loss of identity, how confused and angry the character is and I need to understand what they are giving up. Perhaps they are given strange clothes and have their own things taken from them and perhaps they have never had their hair cut before and are frightened by the scissors? At the moment it feels a little too easy.
This was interesting to read though so nice work!
Heather xx
Butterfly's in my stomach that sounds a little wrong.
That sound wrong do they not drink anything on that planet.
I think you might be a bit too serious here made enough to kill someone ;/.
But it is interesting that is for sure.
Wow! this is an amazing piece. I really don't have any suggestion for improvement! well done and keep writing more!