Young Writers Society

I enjoyed it, though I didn't understand too much of it. It leaves me with so many questions! It seems like it could form a fantastic story, how ever. Your grammar and spelling are almost flawless, as well. I agree with Story though. Some of the details are unnecessary and could be cut from your story completely. With too much detail in a pointless part, it tends to bore the readers.

Keep it up, Lycando!

Hey, there! Okay, so I'm going to try to do a pretty thorough review, so bear with me. ^_^

"The cold night air cut through the layers of my coat and pierced deep beneath my skin. [[Here I would say that it becomes clunky with the amount of description you give. While I'm aware that you want to portray a lot, make sure you don't overdo it, or all of it shall be for naught. Try something along the lines of "The cold air cut through coat layers, harsh enough to pierce beneath my skin."]] I was shivering, my teeth chattering like a jackhammer and my breath filled with frost. [[This sentence is loaded with cliche and provides no aid to the story. My advice? Kill it. If a sentence can be removed with nothing lost, then it should be removed.]] It was the time of night when everyone was fast asleep, and so was I supposed to be. But urgent matters had taken me out of my bed and onto the streets of London."

Alright, so overall, as an opening paragraph, this isn't bad at all; it's vague and alluring, and I want to read more, if for no other reason than to quench my curiosity.

"Only one building stood out among the rest, it was the bell tower. [[Not only is this grammatically incorrect but it is also pretty lack-rhythm in its wording. I would suggest "The bell tower was the only building to stand out among the dark and ashen buildings" or something. Keep description without making it sound clunky and awkward.]] A faint glow came from the topmost window of the tower, and I spotted a figure staring at me. Leon was early for once."

The rest of this is alright, although I still feel as though the sentence structure could be improved ever so slightly.

"I climbed the stairs at a snails pace, my feet nearly numb from trudging in snow. The narrow, windy staircase seemed eerie, and it seemed the dancing flames were mocking me. Finally I reached the topmost step and saw Leon, his silhouette clearing visible in the lamplight. [[I would like to point out that "clearing" should be "clearly," clearly, but I think it would be even better advice for me to just tell you to get rid of the adjective altogether; it's unnecessary and weakens your sentence.]]"

"You're late, again[[,]]" Leon said.

"Cut to the chase, has the traitor been found?" [[Cut to the chase? Really? Okay, it's not that bad, but it's still a bit of a cliche, and I would find a different way to express your character's impatience.]]

"No," he replied. "But I called you here today for a different purpose."

I remained silent, unsure of what Leon had planned for me. Whatever it was, it needed immediate attention, otherwise he would have waiting till the next day. [[This sentence needs to be revised.]]

"We haven't found the traitor, but we know someone who knows who the traitor is. Zeph."

Shit. The last person I wanted to be dealing with was Zeph. That guy had a bad reputation of not being able to keep his mouth shut, and if he knew who the traitor was, so did many others. [[And yet it's taken until now for people who are actually searching to find out? Not so much a critique as it is an observation, but if everyone knows, why don't they?]]

"You want me to capture him? He's not going to keep his mouth shut, you know that."

"He's good at evading us, which is unfortunate. We've sent people after him, but they haven't returned yet. And you're the best tracker we have, so that leaves you as the only choice."

Leon has got a point, with the priority level of this mission, it's hard to find suitable candidate. I was one of the top trackers we had, and although I had been keeping a low profile for a long time I was still extremely capable. As much as I hated to make any dealings with Zeph[[,]] I didn't have much of a choice.



Okay, so final thoughts! This was promising, but it really needs to be tightened up. No plot holes. No grammar mistakes. No arrhythmic sentencing. Dialogue that's a little more natural. Overall, though, this has a chance to become a really interesting piece, if carried in the right direction, and I'm excited to see where you go with this. If you want a review on the parts to follow (if you plan on continuing), then just let me know and I'd be happy to oblige!

Keep writing, and best wishes. xxx

Hey Lycando!

Shady here with your review.

It was the time of night when everyone was fast asleep, and so was I supposed to be.

I climbed the stairs at a snail's pace,

The narrow, windy staircase seemed eerie, and it seemed the dancing flames were mocking me.

He's not going to keep his mouth shut, you know that."