Amber Eyes

Hello again! I would start by lecturing you on the need to post more recent stuff, except that I like this piece so I'm glad I've had the opportunity to read it! Still, you should totally post more writing.

1. I like amber. There's something about it as a colour and a stone that's just really interesting and there are so many different stories or meanings which relate to amber so I feel like you get a lot of use out of a single word; nice choice. That said, I want to see you incorporate some of these stories: what does the amber mean to you? For me it means preserving something, like a scarab beetle or a scorpion. It's a warning but also beautiful, a kind of deadly calm before the storm.

2. Your flow feels off to me, that last line of the first stanza in particular, but even before then it's a little off. Maybe try something like:

Amber eyes,
they crystalize
with me inside;
the lost in time.

In all honesty though, I think you could cut the rhyme and build on your imagery instead - throughout the poem. The rhyme isn't particularly effective as it's too simple and not really creating an atmosphere. Maybe make the rhyme more elaborate and unexpected. What I really want to tell you to try is something closer to...

Amber eyes pressed
in a chrysalis of
daisy petals, the butterflies
holding me inside;
the lost in time.

3. I like the theme of change, but I feel like everything you are trying to say here is being dictated by your rhymes and there's no clear story, but instead a collection of fragments, which are hard to piece together. Sometimes that works, but the voice behind this isn't strong enough to hold my interest while I try to piece together the themes.

Overall

There's something I really like about this, in the idea and some of the lines - the amber, the 'mosquito of a man'. In its current form though, it doesn't work, so I'd love to see you take the essence of this and write it again.

I hope that helps a little!

Heather xxx

Just a comment : Don't worry about rhyming too much.

P.S : Hopefully I'll have a more helpful review next time

Hello there Shino! Tucker here with your review! Do excuse me, but I'm just going to go on a rant of compliments here with maybe like one or two extremely tiny notes. I usually don't like this style of poem, writing with extremely short lines and simple wording. The real thing that really saved you here is the just downright amazing subtle implications you throw in here. I really really realllly love how your theme is so buried beneath your seemingly simple writing, but you make subtle hints in some stanzas and it really opens the readers eyes to what your driving at.

It's really funny because the first time I read through this piece I got a small sense of the LGBTQQ you were driving at, but now that I read it a couple more times I just facepalm at how I didn't catch the hints earlier. I think your second and third stanzas are certainly your best. Unless I'm totally wrong here and you have permission to slap me in the face if I completely misinterpreted this piece. Although, on a small note, when you say: "why did they raze/ the old ways." And "raze" means to destroy something, so than if this is a LGBT poem, and considering the past was worse for the gay community I would suggest you re word that line.

Also, I'm not sure why you said: "I'm a mosquito of a man" the analogy just seemed a little out of place in the poem and I'm not quite positive where it came from. I think your ending is excellent.

Also just out of curiosity, why did you choose the color "Amber" out of anything? It doesn't seem to have any extremely heavy bearing on this piece, that might just be me. Well I loved reading this poem, I hope my comments were helpful. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh

Hello Shilo! This poem was great! I can somewhat relate to this! You did such a lovey job putting everything into words. You are a great writer! This is a great, great poem!

Much love
-Shelby <3

Hi, Shino! Indie here with a review for this lovely poem you have here.

First of all, you did a really good job with keeping with one overarching metaphor here: fossilized amber. I really liked that; it seemed original. On a side note, I actually think this would make great lyrics, for a song. Might get back with you on that, I’m into putting words to music. But anyways, on to the review!

1st Stanza:

crystalize,

Why did they raze

I’m a mosquito of a man,

Short, but very nice. Well done!