z

Young Writers Society


12+

I Declare My Independence...

by DrBagels


  The laws of nature are a violent, unnecessary, and oppressed way of living which has been getting its way for more than millions of years. It's time someone takes action against this force of massive influence. I will be the one to declare my independence from Mother Nature's hands! I will dissolve the violence of these laws. There will be independence from these monstrous laws!

  How sickening to realize Nature's laws are setup as an arena; everything pit against each other. It creates an impossibility for forever peace! Preventing us from pure serenity. Since violence is "natural" to us because of Nature's oppression against those who dwell in this world, giving us fear, envy, lust, anger, and greed has caused us to suffer for Nature's enjoyment. Our conflicts are nothing, but us following Nature's laws! The way we are forced to do this from birth is outrageous.

  Nature even oppresses us before birth with gravity. We must fight against it to live on. Always having the constant burden of needing energy. Repeatedly going into conflicts against each other. Having to clean yourself to prevent diseases that could kill you before natural cause. By being independent from nature I'll be able to do anything I desire. There wouldn't be any bad or good. Just bliss of no laws or rules. Real freedom that has yet to exist in this world!

  Nature's laws is just an unnecessary idea that has forced itself to exist with us. All it does is burden us with its pointless demands. You all might disagree but that's only because you've been living with these laws all your life and it's difficult for you to accept an existence without nature. A life without it would be pure bliss, no burdens, no evil emotions, and the ability to create new things in a clean world. I fight for mine and others independence.

  The only thing that will apply to the new world is us, therefore allowing us to create new more reasonable laws or forever stay in that bliss state of being. Free from Nature's violence, oppression, and unnecessariness of it all. Once this is declared and I am freed from from this cruel world's ideals, there I shall enjoy my freedom. Then I shall begin creation of a new life for the beings under Nature's laws. I declare Independence...

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Sun Oct 05, 2014 4:01 pm
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EmeraldEyes wrote a review...



Ok.
So there seems to be a thing about Americans and Independence. They go hand in hand. XD
I liked the fact that I agreed with the opening line, but I'm not sure that everyone will, and that might put some people off reading the rest of it.

The laws of nature are a violent, unnecessary, and oppressed way of living which has been getting its way for more than millions of years.
So having said that, opening with a bold statement could be a good or bad decision.
In this case it worked.
Based on another element, I'm not exactly sure how far you are supposed to make this factual or based on opinion. Whilst I think what you said is pretty accurate I am basing that on my opinion of what you've said, so it may not necessarily be reliable.


As I read on, I noticed there were a few grammatical errors:

Nature's laws is just an unnecessary idea that has forced itself to exist with us. All it does is burden us with its pointless demands.
The first part of this sentence needs its formation examining.

Apart from that, I think you used the word "nature" too much in the essay overall and I would consider using some synonyms for this.
On the whole, it was well written - rather short, so I'm hoping there isn't too much of a word limit on this that you had to aim for.

Keep writing!

EE




DrBagels says...


I had a feeling that "Nature" was going to have a slight problem with how I overused it and the assignment for this essay had to be completed in twenty-five minutes before class ended, so I was rather happy with how it turned out within that time period.

I could have expanded on the idea a bit more, but I wouldn't enjoy it as much as arguing that there is no true independence.
For example I could argue that us creating more 'reasonable' laws would still involve us limiting ourselves once again and us loosing all our emotions sounds like a boring cold world, where there wouldn't be any joy except for the over hyped thoughts of a world of serenity that has nothing to do or accomplish unless you create 'something'. To create that 'thing' would involve implementing laws for it to even exist, causing your peaceful world of nothing limiting us to vanish. What do you think drives a story? A Conflict, there wouldn't be any of that in a peaceful existence.. Therefore a peaceful world would be a boring one without any color or expression.

I enjoy ruining facades, especially that of a true peaceful existence.
... I went all out on that example.. lol

Thanks for the comment though, I appreciate the criticism.



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Sun Oct 05, 2014 6:32 am
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WindSailor wrote a review...



Hello, WindSailor here to review your interesting essay. I really enjoyed this essay, it is unique in it's perspective and it is easy to relate to. No one likes the way nature works. It pits the strong against the weak, and watches the weak die out, it is a terrible thing, and I think you highlighted this very well in your essay. It was very filled with emotion, bringing out the personal hate we all have for the forces of "mother nature" causing violence and other evils.

Also, I liked how you went on to explain the world you would create; a world of blissful joy. It is a beautiful idea, and I believed you presented it in a great way. I honestly have nothing bad to say about the essay, it is just a brilliant take on the statement you were given to write on. Most people I would imagine didn't take this course, and I am glad you did, it was a creative and new way of looking at things. Great job on the essay! Keep writing! :)





There is only one success: to be able to spend your life in your own way, and not to give others absurd maddening claims upon it.
— Christopher Darlington Morley