Two brilliant flashes of bright yellow light,
Twin bursting lights shine upon my eyes
Fireflies each upon my windshield as I roll down the road.
Dead upon the glass before me,
Their startling death upon a window,
Meeting their demise mere inches apart
Were they lovers I wondered?
Would they have run away did I ponder,
They would have left this little town behind.
Maybe it was merely chance,
Perhaps they were of no association
Wrong place, wrong time, coincidentally together.
Could it be their passion betrayed them of a good and long life,
They could have each lived out a fulfilled existence apart
Or I imagine without each other that life was never worth living.
Conceivably it is possible they were cursed from the start,
They never had a chance no matter what they had wished
The steep price to pay for dancing above the highway
Coincidence it could have been
Frowned upon by destiny all along
Two lonely soles who never stood a chance.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,800 Reviews
I really enjoyed this.
I think your imagery in the first two stanzas is very strong. Your word choice is perfect for this poem, it definitely kept me engaged. It was a bit haunting in an innocent kind of way, which I really,really, enjoyed.
The only thing I would change, would be the repetition in the beginning. The line, "Two brilliant flashes of bright yellow light,Twin bursting lights shine upon my eyes," contains the word light twice, which I think is unnecessary. Also the line, "Dead upon the glass before me,Their startling death upon a window," the word death is repeated which is a bit redundant.
Other then those two minor things, I loved this piece. I think the idea behind it is so pretty and fantastic. I enjoyed reading it!
~FearlessLove4
Hey there! Writer here to give a review
First off, I'm not sure whether the font is intentional or not. Is it? If so, why? Only curious
I'll do some nitpicks first, then praise, and then what could be worked on.
Be careful here. I know you must be very experience in poetry, so you would know that every word in poetry counts! Avoid repetition here, and come up with a synonym for one of the "light"s
I just feel that "each" is unnecessary here, but this is your work. You don't have to take it out if you don't want to.
Again, more redundancy here. Unless this is a form of poetry I cannot identify, therefore deeming this intentional, I would find another synonym for one the "dead" and "upon"
Lifeless upon the glass before me,
Their startling deaths dot my window Only suggestions
I'm so sorry for going line by line >.< But I need to point out the punctuation issues here.
First off, you do use correct punctuation in the first line, but then the second line is also a question that lacks the same punctuation. In order to keep consistency, either take out the question mark and add a comma, or take out the comma and add a question mark to the second line.
Just adding in a word that should be there
souls instead of soles XD
This poem was so amazing! I loved the way you took something so small, like fireflies, and gave them a life story. This is brilliant to me, and I enjoyed every second of this poem.
Work on cutting out repetition, and using different words to spice up your writing.
For instance, you mention the fireflies don't stand a chance twice in your poem. Also, you question whether it was a coincidence twice as well. I have done the same thing >.<
Great job overall! I'd be interested to hear what you have to say for some of my poetry
Keep writing
Hello EmVeePi,
This piece is pretty cool, kind of romantic, kind of skeptical. I like the way that you portrayed them. I found one spelling error:
"Two lonely soles who never stood a chance." Lonely souls?
Otherwise, it's magnificent! I can't wait to see more.
~Kelpies.
P.S. If one was a beetle and one was a fly, and they were both glowing when you hit them, then they most probably were lovers.