Some of the following may be emotionally disturbing for some readers.
Reader's discretion is advised.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Entry_Preview Part#1 Introduction. _________________________________________________________________________________
Hello...My name is Scarlet, Scarlet Red Rose.
I'm 6 years old, I live at Saint Mary's Orphanage for Girls, on Cherry Street.
It's a old orphanage, with wide rooms, long empty hallways, full of nothing but errie silence. It's musty, cold and damp the roof leaks and drips...But it doesn't bother me.
Most of the time, anyway.
The lady who takes care of us is kind to me. She treats me sweetly, and doesn't judge me...unlike the others, the children I cannot say are as friendly.
They hate me, i know what your thinking, 'It can't be that bad.'
Well you don't understand. . .
They make fun of me, call me names, push me around, hit me.
Miss Mary does her best to stop them but she isn't around all the time.
I don't have any friends my age.
I only have one friend, no one else can see him but me. Everyone says i'm crazy, even Miss Mary has her concerns but I don't care.
His name is Slendy, he's my best friend. I love him, he's like the father and best-friend I've never had.
He treats me fairly, and protects me from the monsters and keeps the nightmares away.
I don't have to worry, because I know Slendy is always watching me.
He's my best friend.
__________________________________________________________________________________
ENTRY#1 Part#2 ~In the ClassRoom~ 2:03PM
I sat vigilantly at my own desk drawing, my pencil scraping against the small scrap of paper I'd been given which was worn and almost felt as rough as sandpaper.
The voices of other children occupied and filled the silence. I just blocked it all out, my gaze drifted to the dark-stained glass of the class-room's tinted windows, staring into the beautiful forest outside.
Sometimes, I imagined myself running into the forest and climbing the towering limbs of oak-trees and playing in the majestic and enchanting meadows, chasing butterflys and picking flowers.
It would be a lot funner than sitting here thats for sure.
My thoughts we're suddently, rudely pushed aside as Janet, one of the other orphans broke my thoughts speaking rather loudly;
"Hello there, Red-head." Said Janet rather harshly "What are you doing now? Tuckered away like an old rag. Waiting to be used?" Janet was rather tall, but thin, and very pretty. Brown hair draped across her shoulders, which matched perfectly with her skin-tone, Janets eyes we're a lighter shade of brown, almost the color of carmel. Unlike me she wore nicer clothes, not like the rags I was wearing. Janet was like the ring-leader of the orphanage, everyone admired and obeyed her, she was often sweet and well behaved around Miss Mary but once you got on Janet's bad side she could be as vicious as a viper waiting to strike.
"Hey, FREAK! I'm talking to you!" The 'queen' snapped slamming the palms of her hands against my wooden-desk, making everything inside of it rattle, and also managing to send both my pencil and my paper into the floor, I flinched, both startled and frightend by her outburst.
"What is this?" The girl, bended down picking up my drawing.
Her eyes instantly narrowed.
"WHAT is THAT!? An alien or something?" Janet examined the picture
"What are THOSE things coming out of it's back, and why doesn't...it have a face? UGH, this only PROVES how much of a freak you still are...PATHETIC." She began tearing my picture to shreads.
"NO! NO DON'T!" I jolted up and reached for my picture, but some of the other children instantly jerked me back snickering quietly.
"You are such a weirdo." Janet grumbled, and threw the fallen scraps of paper down stomping on it, soon enough several other of the orphans did the same, following they're supposive leader.
"There. Your picture looks alot better now." giggled Janet, her laughter soon followed by the entire class.
I stared at my drawing in dismay, my eyes began to water. Janet sneered and slowy turned around giving the scraps of my drawing one last stomp before leaving.
Knowing me, I began to cry tears streamed down my cheeks. I choked on my own fluids, and continued sobbing.
What did i do to deserve this?
Someone tell me, because i don't know...Do i deserve this punishment?
Is there something wrong with me? Is that why no one likes me?
I picked up the riped and torn fragments of my drawing, continuing to cry until I couldn't no more.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Hey guys! This is a story I've been working on for a really long time. So the story is based on a girl named Scarlet, she later on becomes a 'Proxy'. Some of you may recognize this as a CreepyPasta fanfic. If you want to see what she looks like:
Most of Scarlets pics are here
Newer pictures of her including some other OC's of mine
Older pictures and stuff of mine
Feel free to point out any grammar or punctual mistakes as well as typos and sentence structure issues.
Thank You!
I'm liking where this is heading! Scarlet sounds wise beyond her years, maybe even a bit too wise. Maybe that is why our internet beloved cryptid Slenderman chose her out of all these other girls? He'd have to see something pretty useful in her at such an early age, otherwise he'd just eat her lololol. Keep up the good work!!
Hello, Hello,
I've just come from your second entry and thought I might take a step back and have a look at this one too. I like that you have a much better formatting here, with some real paragraphing and some good content to sink our teeth into.
This girl, however, doesn't sound like a six year old at all. She's too well spoken and her thoughts are too well formed, in the second section and the second entry. The first section matches how I imagine a six year old might be speaking. Consider the voice of your main character, when you're using them as a narrator, because that is a very easy way for the reader to be thrown from the narrative.
I think some more description might work here, and why is she wearing rags? There's no reason for that, if Miss Mary looks after all the kids and she is really nice. All of these kids are orphans, so none should really be having more attention over the others. Is this bully also six? Because she doesn't act like it either. Sometimes it can be hard to distance ourselves from our regular voices, so maybe consider writing this in third person to avoid the issue.
Lookin' forward to reading more from you in the future.
~ Penguin
I love it, I can picture everything, and I feel bad for the main character. I really appreciate the work, I'm going to look out for more. Scarlet is like the perfect character, and I like where it is heading. I'm not much for reviewing grammatical errors and stuff, but I could give you my input on the plot. I really can relate to Scarlet's emotions and I feel as if she is a real genuine character, one that is lovable. I would love to see where this goes.
Janet is pretty bad ass too, I love her as the antagonist so far, and I have a feeling that imaginary friend will pop up soon.
Seems like you are really into your characters, I'm really feeling it.
Hi! Horror is not normally my forte but recently I've reviewed a couple scary short stories, so I'm happy to try to review yours as well.
Grammar/Wording:
Please remember that whether you are writing a novel to be sent to a publisher or just posting on YWS one of the first things people will judge your piece on is the grammar. It's very important because if you do not use proper grammar and spelling you lose your authority as an author and readers will be distracted by mistakes as well. So please take another look through to sort out these typos.
A few that I noticed:
--> "Musty, Cold, Damp, But" should not be capitalized.It's Musty, Cold and Damp the roof leaks and drips...But it doesn't bother me.
capitalize "she" to make this a new sentence. Do not capitalize words after ellipses and capitalize "i".she treats me sweetly, and doesn't judge me...Unlike the others, the children i cannot say are as friendly.
I'd suggest not using all caps but use bold or italics to emphasize words (looks more professional and is more discreet). Again capitalize "i" in this sentence, and put quotes/dialogue in quotation marks not apostrophes.They HATE me, i know what your thinking, 'It can't be THAT bad.'
Hi, ScarletDreams14. This is Pinkie here for a review. Excuse me as I put on my glasses. *put on pink glasses*
To the Nitpicks:
"Hey, FREAK! I'm taking to you!"
You got this wrong. You put 'taking' on here instead of 'talking'.
'Giggled Janet, her laughed soon followed by the entire class.'
You supposed to lowercase the 'g' on the word 'Giggled'. Also, the sentence is confusing. Do you mean laughter instead of laughed? You got the sentence confused.
'Knowing me, i began to cry tears streamed down my cheeks.'
You should supposed to uppercase the 'i'.
End of nitpick!
This is a interesting masterpiece. I felt bad for Scarlet. She doesn't have to be treated badly by those children. I hope they get what they deserved. Well, I don't know that they will. It is your CP fanfic anyway. Anyway, I like to read more from you. Have a great night.
Good Job! 
Cheers
Your reviewer, Pinkiegirl13
P.S: I hope this review is not too harsh.
120,443 Literary Works • 649,852 Reviews
Points: 227
Reviews: 1
Donate