Young Writers Society

Summary of Plot so Far

Want to start from the beginning? or Chapter One or Chapter Four


Exiting the pub he had stopped at to throw off anyone possibly following him, brushing women of the night away with a short nod and quickened steps, Camden grew more and more nervous. The safe way to the castle for a wanted man made the quaint town he knew a dangerous place. Ducking into alleys, stepping in something that didn't need further investigation, almost tripping over a snoring drunkard, running past the dens created by the Durtanians' foul leaf. Each happening, whether small and forgettable or a step closer to capture, stretched his nerves a little farther. All of this to return a mask and a handful of arrows.
When he reached the street leading to the castle wall, there was a small feeling of triumph, and he studied the tower at the far left of the grounds. Even with his hatred of the royal family, Camden had always held the royal grounds in a place of awe. It was so different, so much more grand than the rest of Ahunuan. Glancing at the written directions, Camden frowned and squinted to make the most of the meager light of a crescent moon.
Finally, he slipped between the cherry trees lining the paved street and followed them toward the wall, keeping an eye on the lanterns marking the place of the guards. Camden darted from shadow to shadow as the trees met the wall, hating Rostoloff a little more with each quickened heartbeat. The fact that he no longer had to make the difficult decision of what to do with his killer and savior no longer mattered. The relief had lessened somewhere between the town and the castle wall. As he felt the smooth gray wall for handholds promised to be there, slowly making his way closer to the tower, he grudgingly gave his respect to the traitor queen.
She had risked herself for him but also for Maliel. She could be a valuable asset...
He smiled with satisfaction as he found a deep groove obviously carved into neat bricks. Checking the positions of the two lanterns, Camden climbed over quickly, finding the rest easily. He dropped to the ground with a grunt and froze as a lantern approached quickly with the clanging steps of a soldier. He pressed himself against the wall under the shadow of another fruit tree and held his breath, praying as he cursed Rostoloff and the Masquerader. Watching the light spill over the ground before his feet, Camden closed his eyes and forced himself to take a breath.
The other guard called, and the light retreated. Armor crashed against stone, and Camden opened his eyes, dashing across the gardens in a crouch.
The moon, even as small as it was, was his enemy as much as the guards. It reflected against still pools rippling with the smallest movement of the colorful fish within. Patches of white flowers, perfuming the air with their intoxicating scent, glowed in the silver light. The scene would be beautiful, a picture of rare peace if the moon hadn’t been a spotlight, if Camden hadn't felt a chilling fear at the brief silence of the frog and cricket, if he hadn't been a wanted man in the palace gardens of Maliel.
As the moon was a search light, the grass and wind were his cloak. The moving shadows hid his own.
Camden ducked behind a short wall and stared at the castle. Many windows of the tower he could see flickered with candlelight. The dark forms of numerous people blocked the golden glow for a moment as they walked before it or stood, peering out, unaware of the scrutinizing eyes.
Ranael might not even be in her rooms. She could be meeting with some Terrible right now, telling them that Camden Bartolv was coming to see her. “Damn,” he muttered and shook his head. This was ridiculous. She had saved him.
He stared at the tower just seconds away, seconds filled with nothing but moonlit lawn. He took a deep breath and looked for the guards again. Still together, they were where he had left them. He waited, hoping for a feathery cloud to hide the moon for a moment.
Tonight though, the sky was clear. Every star was visible until you looked east where the barely perceptible haze of smoke told of the Empire's war.
Now, he supposed, was as good as ever. He looked back at the guards once more and ran as low to the ground as he could. He stopped in front of the ivy covered tower and leaned against as much for rest as for shadow.
The wide dark leaves glinted and shook gently in the wind. The thin tendrils, stretching away from the thick stem, reached up, spreading over the gray stone.
Camden referred to his scrap of paper once and folded it up, sliding it into his pocket. He felt for handholds and tried to prepare himself for a long climb. When he made his way to a place where the ivy was thicker, he found handholds in the most covered places. As he started, he was fine, a survivable distance from the ground. The farther he got, the sweatier his palms, and the louder the blood rushed in his ears.
He climbed as fast as he dared, trying to keep track of the guards' progress by the metallic footsteps that had started up.
The handholds stopped, and Camden looked around, unsure of what to do. He felt carefully for another indentation, wondering if this could be some elaborate trap. He looked to his left where stone, clear of any leaves stood, and his right. There was a window. He let out the breath he had been holding and let himself indulge in a soft chuckle. He was being paranoid.
The soft hiss of angry voices came from the room. As the relief of having reached his destination subsided, Camden noticed it and hesitated. Ranael wasn't alone. He weighed his options as he tried to make out some of the words. Only when the clanging of armor jolted him out of his thoughts, did he decide it was safer with a questionable ally inside without guards than outside hanging for dear life, waiting for someone to see him.
He stretched as far as he could to his right and felt for another hand hold. The window was just out of his reach. He sighed and, against better judgment, looked down. His stomach rose to his throat, and a chill set in as the wind began to blow harder. The distance was hypnotizing, and though it made him unbearably dizzy, he kept looking down.
There was a cry from inside, following a loud smacking sound, and Camden focused on the window again.
Camden swallowed and licked dry lips with a dry tongue. He took a deep breath and jumped.
For a single moment, the world was a black sky filled with stars and air still holding the bite of winter.
He landed on the sill hard and leaned against the wall, panting as his heart slowed. He closed his eyes and pressed his shaking hands on his legs.
Camden stopped to listen to the conversation again but still couldn't make out any words. He took a deep breath and ducked into the room.
A sheer golden cloth separated the more intimate side of the room with a huge bed and a ragged trunk from the other.
Camden studied the scene, unsure of what to do. A voice, too low to be Ranael's muttered angrily.
Ranael was a humanoid brown shadow pushed against the wall perpendicular to the one Camden crawled against. He moved closer to the curtain in an attempt to make out the blobs on the other side. A man was keeping her flat against the wall with his hands on her shoulders.
“Absirinthe, what's happened? What's wrong with you?” Ranael whispered, just loud enough for Camden to hear.
Camden stiffened as a dagger was placed on the back of his neck.
“Think about moving, and I'll have you bleeding like a stuck pig before you can,” a woman breathed by his ear, so the others wouldn't know of their presence.
Camden nodded, careful not to make any quick movements.
“They kicked me out of my position, Ranael. They kicked me out of my position but only after making me watch my parents die and my sister get raped by countless men.” He moved to the candle on the desk beside them and pinched out the flame. “We're lower than the human slaves because of our eyes, because of our culture. I've been spit on, beaten, chased out of my country.”
Realization dawned on Camden as the man's actions and words came together.
He was a Nightwalker, a being whose culture centered around the night, when they could see. Living on the opposite schedule of humans, Nightwalkers had no irises or whites. They're whole eye was black, making a single candle flame an irritation.
The royal family had a close relationship with the royals of the other country, the Acciess family. Each family would give up comfort for a visit, spending their waking hours in an environment unsuitable for them.
Though Camden was now completely blind to all that went on beyond the curtain, he listened with growing intensity, practically forgetting about the blade at his neck.
“To help my country, I must ruin yours, my dear Ranael.”
“Have you told the Terribles yet?”
There was a soft sigh but no answer.
“What of the treaty?” she hissed.
A hoarse, tired laugh echoed in the dark room. “The treaty? The treaty between what? Two countries swallowed up by another? A fallen prince and a puppet queen? The treaty is nothing.” There was another stretch of silence. “I haven't told the Terribles yet... I- ah- I've decided not to... for now.”
Anger was apparent in the next question. “Then why are you here? Why have you come into my rooms and threatened me?”
“There is only one other that is as valuable as you.”
Camden froze. He knew who the “other” was.
“Absirinthe, surely you know me better than this.”
“Bartolv can be turned in. You'll be safe. I'll rise in social status. I'll be able to save my country as you save yours.” His voice grew desperate.
Camden barely dared to breathe. This was where she proved her loyalty.
Her voice was disgusted. “I'm worthless compared to that man,” she spat. A soft sob made it's way through almost louder than the converstation. “I no longer know you, Absirinthe of the Acciess family. Turn me in but keep in mind, the Masquerader holds a grudge.”
Camden couldn't believe what he had heard but remain impassive and skeptical as to her loyalty. He couldn't believe one of the Laleor family could truly be that loyal to himself.
The other voice shook with chained passion. “You know not what I hold against you, or what I can do to you. Watch out, Ranael of the Laleor family. Watch out. You can do me no harm.” Only the soft click of the door told of his exit.
Without him knowing, the blade left his neck, and the woman joined Ranael, gathering her in her arms as Ranael stood where she was, shaking, her eyes closed.
She took ragged breaths and tried to keep hold of the tears.
Camden, taking pity on the shaking outline, silently moved to the desk and fumbled for the candle to light it again. He tensed as cool steel touched the back of his neck.
“Who goes there?” Ranael's voice wavered a bit.
“How many of those damn things do you have?” Camden asked quietly and raised his hands to where she could see him.
She lit the candle and took the dagger away. “Camden of the rebels?”
“Is that what you call me?”
She raised an eyebrow and sighed, turning away. “How did you get here?”
“I'm here to return-”
“I know. I thought I would have to go retrieve them for myself. How did you get up here?”
“Obviously, someone else knows of your route.” The woman moved by her side.
Camden took in the startling blue eyes that fell sightlessly on the candle beside him without staring or making an change of expression.
“Yes, Nadiel, but who?” She gave Camden a crooked grin.
He shook his head. “That's only for people I trust.”
She scoffed but said nothing else.
“You need to hurry up and finish your business. I need to heal Ranael.”
“Rostoloff has already-”
Again he was interrupted, “Not that kind of healing, dear. As much as I respect Rostoloff as a doctor, I'm afraid he can't match my powers.”
Used to the treatment of a leader, Camden was quickly tiring of such riddles and being interrupted at every sentence. “Here are your things.” He pushed the brown satchel containing all of her possessions to Ranael and began to walk toward the window once more.
“Wait...” she called, unsure of what she wanted.
He stopped and turned quickly. “If this Absirinthe does give you to the Terribles, I can offer you shelter.” He stood awkwardly and finally approached. “How about we replace the dead treaty with an agreement? I'm afraid, in such times as these, formality is the first thing to go. I can't give you anything in writing.” He held out his hand and smiled as she accepted it with one of her own.
She nodded. “That is understandable. I will do all I can to help the cause, leader of the rebels.”
He grimaced and ran his hand through his hair. “It's Camden. No formality. It's too much like-” He caught himself too late and cleared his throat at her sardonic laugh.
“Too much like royalty. I know.”
He nodded but offered know apology. “We're not friends, Ranael. We're only allies. I will never be able to harbor a friendship with one kin to those who killed my family.”
Her face darkened. “And I can do no more with the man who laughed at my parents execution. We're more alike than you realize, Bartolv.”
Camden stiffened. “I know the way out.”
“I never said you didn't.”

*Points/reviews given to anyone who reviews my chapters. Either request points/reviews in your review or post a request in the discussion called Points, Points, Points. I need to know which review is yours and what you want. If you want anything else I haven't offered, I'll try to work with you. Right now I'm offering one hundred points per review.

Need to get to The Masquerader page? Click the first link on my signature.

Hi Thanks for requesting a review from the Dynamic Duo! Sorry I didn't do this as soon as I received notification, but I had university classes all day today.

Well. I do believe I'll go read the other chapters after this review, so I hope you enjoy/learn something from my suggestions tonight.

First and foremost, formatting. It's not a necessity, no one is forcing you to do it, but if you have a quick look around at the sucessful members of this site (Skins, PinkShearwater etc etc), you'll notice that between their paragraphs, they've added an extra line to create a better presentation. This is easily done by selecting the "Story" format when you submit your chapters. Or you could manually add a break yourself. As I said, not mandatory, but it will make your chapter appear more attractive and be easier to read

Secondly, this chapter confused me a whole lot. It might be because I don't know the characters at all, but I think it's got to do with the way you've written the transactions between scenes and who's watching and telling the reader what is going on. The perspective of some scenes make no sense. But I'll address that at the appropriate times.

Thirdly, I've noticed a few common spelling mistakes or typos throughout your work. No big deal, but when the rest of your words are top shape and your grammar is great, those typos really look silly. I'll highlight the ones I did notice, but I could have missed some. Simply run your story through a grammar and spell check, and most of those mistakes should disappear

So, on to the review.

Camden darted from shadow to shadow, hating Rostoloff a little more with each quickened heartbeat.

I thought this first line was very attention grabbing, but reading it for a second time, I find myself asking questions. What shadows? Is he diving under every tree? Or sliding up against a wall?

The relief had lessened somewhere between the town and the castle wall.

This. This should be extrapolated. If this sole sentence was given the chance, it could become three paragraphs or more. What way did he go through the town? Did he pass drunkards? What was the town like? Was the way to the castle wall beautiful, with weeping willows lining the cobblestone path to portcullis? What did the castle wall look like? Was it thick and tall, or somewhat of a joke? Forgive me if you've explained these things in detail earlier, but I can't help but wonder all of these things.

As he slipped over the wall, keeping an eye on the two lanterns marking the positions of the guards, he grudgingly gave his respect to the traitor queen.

How exactly did he slip over the wall? Were there convenient groves between the bricks and the mortar? Did he have a grappling hook that he flung over the top?

Watching the light spill over the ground before his feet, Camden closed his eyes and force himself to take a breath.

The other guard on the other side of Camden called, and the light retreated. Armor crashed against stone, and Camden opened his eyes, dashing across the gardens in a crouch.

This sentence is a run on sentence. It can be broken up into two or three sentences and still sound as good, if not better. The highlighted word, "other" is used here too frequently. Not only that, but what guard on the other side? So there were two sides?

The scene would be beautiful, a picture of rare peace if the moon hadn’t bee a spotlight, if the croak of a frog and the song of a cricket hadn't been an alarm, if he hadn't been a wanted man in the palace gardens of Maliel.

Frogs and crickets normally do make noises. It's when they become silent, when they sense the presence of something foreign - that's what elite guards would be listening for.

The moving shadows hid his own, and in the places where grass grew tall, it would cover his bent form.

If this was the palace gardens, I doubt the grass would be anything bar trimmed.

Ranael's rooms might not even be on this side of the castle. Camden sighed as the enormity of his mission became clear.

This doesn't seem like what a leader of the rebels would do. If he was the leader of something, surely someone could have given him a map of the castle etc. It seems strange that he'd just shimmy over the castle wall and then wander around looking for the princess's room.

“Damn,” he muttered and stiffened when a firm hand fell upon his mouth.
{{This is where an extra enter space would be if you decided to take my advice about formatting}}
“Come. I can take you to where you wish,” a woman breathed against his ear. Releasing him, She moved from behind the wall, low to the ground, clad in a skirt that clung to her to give her a better chance of slipping by undetected and quickly disappeared into the shadow of the tower.

Another run on sentence. Also. Where did this woman come from? Entirely plot convenience. Never sink that low that you're making everything convenient for your characters. How could the woman know he was there, when even the guards protecting a new place didn't? It's a bit too much of an easy plot device for me.

Camden scrambled after her, seeing no other option.

And then he follows her. See what I mean? If you're caught trespassing on important land, and some random person appears out of nowhere and tells you to follow them, would you?

“I'm afraid you'll have a good view of my drawers,” she whispered and seemed to wait as if she was listening for something before continuing with complete seriousness, “The guards can't see us when they're a third of the way down the wall. This tower has been made for easy protection, and it works. We have to go now. Stay on my heels.”

Vines generally aren't strong enough to support the weight of a human being. Also, what did you mean by "third of the way down"? The sentence "this tower etc etc" doesn't make sense either. How does it work for easy protection? What?

The think tendrils, stretching away from the thick stem, reached up, spreading over the gray stone.

His guide stopped and glanced back to make sure he was still behind here. “Seven from the top. Ten from the bottom.

You've forgotten to end this with a quotation mark. Also, this seems like a very random place for the princess to live. Should she be in the most desirable location?

For a shingle moment, the world was a black sky filled with stars and the air still holding the bite of winter.

This was probably my most favourite line

A voice, to low to be Ranael's hissed angrily into her ear.

Who what where? ???

Ranael was a humanoid brown shadow pushed against the wall perpendicular to the one Camden crawled against.
{{ENTER}}
She looked up into eyes that were completely black with no iris or white. Her heart thumped against her ribcage in fear and a joy that had quickly been repressed. Her wound stung from the rough handling of the cloaked figure. She couldn't help a wry smile at the similarities of the Masquerader and this man. “Absirinthe, what's happened? What's wrong with you?”
{{ENTER}}
The grown Nightwalker before her was no longer the easy being with a witty word always on the tip of his tongue. But then, she wasn't the naive girl with a quick laugh.

This is where I became even more confused. You've suddenly changed perspective, and you didn't tell the reader that you did. Suddenly Camden became female, the mysterious woman disappeared and was replaced with Absirinthe (god awful name to type )... it just made no sense.

Sometimes it's hard to show the transaction between perspective changes - in my honest opinion, there shouldn't have been a perspective change. Camden should have witness the whole conversation from his point of view. You've simply taken the easy way out (again) in writing it from the princess's perspective.

The Nightwalker royalty, the Acciess family, had been allies and close friends of the Laleor family for years. There was even a plan for the marriage of the two eldest children. When Maliel had fallen to the Empire, the Nightwalker kingdom fell quickly behind it, and the royal family suffered similar treatment.
{{ENTER}}
Now the only living member of the Acciess family stood before her after following her to the castle. His face was hard with a coarseness Ranael couldn't remember.

I feel as if this information should have been explained at the beginning. Not in the fifth chapter.

“Have you told the Terribles yet?” She felt his bruising grasp loosen and heard a soft sigh. “What of the treaty?” she hissed.

I know nothing about the Terribles and the treaty, so this to me made no sense. I do believe that the name "Terribles" sounds a bit weird.

“I haven't told the Terribles yet... I- ah- I'm not going to for right now.”

?

“Watch out, for I hold more power than you do. You can do me no harm.”

I thought that he was worth less than slaves?

Now, as Camden saw her in the proper light, he could see her startling, sightless, blue eyes settle on the candle beside him as she addressed him, “You need to hurry up and finish your business. I've got to show you back down and come up to heal Ranael.”

That's pretty cool. But. Generally blind people are really good with their spatial abilities. She should be used to stepping very carefully. Also, it makes everything above really ridiculous. How did she find Camden in the palace gardens? How could she count the number of sills before the right one?

“Here are your things.” He pushed the brown satchel containing all of her possessions to Ranael and began to walk toward the window once more.

You never mentioned he was bringing back her possessions until you needed to. Earlier you could have had Camden complaining about the weight of the satchel on his back as he scaled the castle walls etc.

“Wait...” she called, unsure of what she wanted.”

Accidental quotation mark.

“How about we replace the dead treaty with another?” He held out his hand and smiled as she accepted it with one of her own.
{{ENTER}}
“I will do all I can to help the cause, leader of the rebels.”

Generally treaties are big deals with lots of formal words. Not promises.

He nodded but offered know apology.

“We're not friends, Ranael. We're only allies. I will never be able to share a friendship with one of the family that killed my family.”

Perhaps, "I would never be able to harbour a friendship with the kin of those who mercilessly murdered my family."

“And I can do no more with the man who laughed at my parents execution. We're more alike than you want to know, Bartolv.”

"We're more alike than you realise, Bartolv."

So. Overall.

I like the story, or what I've read of it. It seems very original and to me it sounds very fresh. I haven't picked up on any bandwagon vibes (no hints of Harry Potter/Twilight/David Eddings etc), and for that I am eternally grateful. Your grammar is superb, there are only a few typos, sometimes you have problems with run on sentences, but in general your syntax and paragraph structure is pretty good.

In terms of characters; as I haven't read the previous chapters, my opinion here might be null and void, but I'll voice it anyway.

Camden: he seems a bit empty - no personality etc, but this was a very short chapter and he was under pressure. I'm sure he'll shine under different circumstances.

Ranael: whenever I see that name, all I think of is "anal". I'm sorry about that, but that's what I think. She sounds like she could make a good character, but at the moment she seems a bit weak and placid. However, she is under a new ruler and a puppet, so perhaps she's only appearing meek?

Abrithinsne (Absirinthe): don't know anything about him bar that fact that he seems to be able to see in the dark. I don't see how that could occur unless his country was constantly in a downpour, or his race lived completely in caves. Just seems weird.

Nadiel: plot convenience to the max? Other than that, a blind character is always a good character. Flaws are what make characters real to the reader. Kudos.

Well, if you have any questions or queries regarding my review, simply reply directly to this thread and I'll get right back to you. I hope you have gained something from my ramblings, and my enigmatic other half should be around sooner or later to give her review and fulfil the promise of the Dynamic Duo.

Adios, and keep writing

- Jai

Hey there, Megsug! Thanks for requesting a review. I apologize for not getting to it more quickly, I had some projects to do the past few days. But I'm here now! Onto the review!

I'll just point out one thing before I even begin reading. (Well, re-reading.) Your formatting is a little wonky. Adding a blank space/line thing between paragraphs breaks the piece up well and makes it less-intimidating to would-be readers, and easier to see for reviewers. xD Anyway, on to the review.

almost tripping over a snoring drunkard, running past the dens created by the leaf introduced by the Durtanians.

Perhaps this is picky, but the use of "by..." twice in a row reads a little strangely. Maybe something like, "running past seedy dens created by the Durtanians' foul leaf." or "running past the ("the" is optional here, I think) dens the Durtanians' leaf created." Something to that effect.

there was a small feeling of triumph

Rather than simply telling your readers, why not show them? (Something like "A small feeling of triumph bubbled inside him." Or anything, really.)

of the meager light of a crescent moon. If the moon hadn’t bee a spotlight,

Okay, well if the light is too dim for him to read easily, how is it suddenly a spotlight? Also, "been." Typo there, I'm assuming since your spelling and grammar, generally, are quite good.

and ducked into the room.

This was just a typo.

You know not what you're messing with.

All this formal langauge, and then "messing with?" It sounds a bit odd.


Okay, that's it for nitpicks. So, overall.

I must say that the characters seem a *teeny* bit flat, without much personality, but it could just because of the chapter itself. Other than that, I don't have much to say on plot because I don't know what was going on very well. However, from this chapter, I can see quite a bit of originality, which is great. Also, I plan on reading the rest of your novel thus far. c:

Great job and keep writing!
Sporks

P.S. Might I ask if you review this for me? Thank you very, very much in advance.

!!!

You. Are. Fantastic.

It's not every day that I log into YWS and find that a writer has genuinely followed my advice and completely overhauled (almost) their story based solely on my suggestions.

I absolutely love what you've done with this piece. The added descriptions have transformed the beginning into a proper fantasy. In those three paragraphs you've given us a bite of your world, and that world is interesting and new.

With the alteration of describing the interactions between the queen and the Night Stalker Guy through Camden's point of view, you've made the entire scene far more mysterious and intriguing. The main character doesn't know everything, the reader doesn't know everything, it's wonderful.

I really enjoyed reading your edit, and if you're like this with every review given to you... I wish there was a badge: Receptive. I'd nominate you right away haha.

On to the review (as I noticed some small things).

Exiting the pub he had stopped at to throw off anyone possibly following him, brushing women of the night away with a short nod and quickened steps, Camden grew more and more nervous.

You don't have a conjunction word here, and that makes the sentence sound odd. Adding an "and" before "brushing" should fix that.

Even with is hatred of the royal family, Camden had always held the royal grounds in a place of awe.

Ranael might not even be in her rooms right now. She could be meeting with some Terrible right now, telling them that Camden Bartolv was coming to see her.

Repetition.

He waited another moment, waiting for a feathery cloud to hide the moon for a moment.

Again.

Camden referred to his scrap of paper once again and folded it up, sliding it into his pocket. He felt again for handholds and tried to prepare himself for a long climb. When he made his way to a place where the ivy was thicker, he found handholds in the most covered places. As he started, he was fine, a survivable distance from the ground. The farther he got, the sweatier his palms, and the louder the blood rushed in his ears.

He climbed as fast as he dared, trying to keep track of the guards' progress by the metallic footsteps that had started up again.

I think in all of these cases, the word "again" is most likely not necessary.

“I haven't told the Terribles yet... I- ah- I'm not going to for right now.”

I still have a problem with how this reads. To me it reads disjointedly, "I - ah - I'm not going to, for right now." I think you mean, "I - ah - I've decided not to. Not yet. Not right now."

Camden took in the startling blue eyes that fell sightlessly on the candle beside him without staring or making an change of expression.

“Wait...” she called, unsure of what she wanted.”

Overall, a definite improvement.

Thanks so much for an awesome read

- Jai

Heyy
Sorry it took me so long to answer back to your request.
But here I am now

Hmm- this chapter is great- there's a load of vivid descriptions and details, details, details, we all like details So well done on that It's great! We can all read this piece and actually geniuinely picture the scene you described. You're a good writer

And unfortunately right now is when the criticisms come along :L

He nodded but offered no apology

That's the only spelling mistake that I could see :L and it's probably the one that's been pointed out in the other reviews anyways. Then another little issue is the other woman? Who is she? She might've been mentioned in the other chapters, but she kind of seems to just appear and disappear in this chapter. What's her name? I need to reread the other chapters but it would be a good idea to just mention her name in this one- like if Ranael asks her something or something like that. It was probably intentional but it's kind of confusing for the reader.

But apart from that I love the development in the relationship between Camden and Ranael, their alliance really gets you wondering what'll happen next.
The tension is building up and I would really like to know what'll happen next.
Well Done on another great chapter Can't wait to read the next one

Jai,
Thank you for the review. Thanks all of you guys really. It's great. I didn't even have to ask for the second review, which is great, so thanks a whole bunch. I had a bunch of typos, and I am now realizing that my grammar check fails horribly. I never get any green squiggles. Anyway, you may have found a regular customer since you have definitely improved this chapter from where it was.

Again, I totally love this.

Destroy Maliel?! What?! I can't believe that. Absirinthe must be stopped. *looks intently at Megsug, watching as she types away at the next chapter*

Your making this a Fantasy book then? That's an interesting twist. I wouldn't have expected that. That makes "The Masquerader" even better.

When Ranael was speaking this part:

“I no longer know you, Absirinthe of the Acciess family. Turn me in but keep in mind, the Masquerader holds a grudge.”

Does Absirinthe know she's the Masquerader? Or is she just being very daring in saying that? Because the way you wrote the part with Absirinthe and Ranael made it seem like she was a little scared and surprised by what he was saying. I just don't picture her saying that. But that's only my opinion.

I like how Camden got over being angry and risked going to the castle (it's a castle, right?) to bring Ranael her Masquerader outfit back. I'm so proud of him.

My favorite part in this whole story so far is:

Camden stiffened. "I know the way out."
"I never said you didn't."

That was pretty awesome.

I hope you post some more of The Masquerader soon!

~DeadEnds

Wow. I haven't seen that one recently: Two become allies with the treat to turn each other in. It's dynamic, original, and you've got the characters to pull it off. This is a great story, and I really want to know how it ends, not to mention everything in between. Keep writing!

What can I say? I love this. I'd read it. In fact, there have been times lately when I've thought while reading other books that I'd rather read this. The characters, plot, setting, they're all original, but not painstakingly so.

One of my only real critiques (and it's pathetic how few of these I have) is with the woman that held the dagger to Camden's neck the first time. I thought she was with the Absirinthe guy at first.

Oh, and looking back - I'm a little confused as to what Absirinthe was threatening, exactly. Is the only reason the Terribles keep her as the puppet because the other country is in treaty with them? (And I'm still a little wondering as to how the Duritians keep up with these countries.)

I'm not going to waste your time scrounging up a few other pathetic little typos or something, or rambling on about how great this is (though I could, if I wanted to). So, I leave you here. (Sorry for the short review. Maybe when you post other chapters I'll have something better to say.)

But, I hope you continue this. Because this is the last chapter I have, and I'm itching to read more.

loveness, ultraviolet <3