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The Masquerader Chapter 1



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Tue Aug 31, 2010 9:51 pm
megsug says...



Spoiler! :
Maliel has been taken over by the growing empire of Duritan. Now a masked vigilante is fighting back while a rebel group plans a course of action.

Want to read Part Two?

A force of soldiers marched through the Maliean capital, Ahunuan, and kept a stony silence, broken only by the metallic clang of their armor hitting the cobblestones on their way to the answer yet another report on the whereabouts of the elusive rebel leader. They ignored the waifs that begged for gold coins and, rather than leave, saw the soldiers as another source of income. Many kicked at the young ones who knew no better than to grab at their shining armor as they would any passerby in an attempt to gain sympathy and always met flesh with a satisfying cry from the victim.
Each soldier, no matter how gruff and sturdy, glanced up and studied the shadows for movement. The youngest recruits jumped at every unexplained sound and tapped the hilts of their swords or their holsters nervously. One man leaned over to his comrade and whispered in the Duritanian language with optimism that was not matched by the majority, “Maybe he won't show up this time.”
The other hissed angrily, “Shut up! Do you want to jinx it?” He fell silent again as his comrades shushed him, as if solemn silence could save them.
Black and gold flew, making the air thrum. Complete chaos broke out as the peasants searched the roofs for a glimpse of the well known vigilante, breaking into an excited buzz of wonder, and the soldiers drew their swords with a thunderous ring.
...And then silence. Clanging echoed around the narrow street as the optimistic man fell to his knees, the wooden shaft that seemed to terrify the soldiers more than any musket buried in his throat. His eyes were bulging with terror, and blood trickled down his chin, dribbling onto his bright armor. He fell face down onto the ground.
He was here.
The veterans pulled out their muskets immediately and scanned the shadow covered roofs for a black figure. The younger ones quickly followed suit. Some frowned at the peasants who burst into cheers but most didn't divert their attention from the measly shadows of noon, shadows that could barely veil a child, much less a full grown man.
Suddenly, four men fell with arrows buried in their back, and the soldiers moved into a protective formation, each with their back against another. Shields were drawn and placed to protect the neck and chest, his favorite target. “Come out of the shadows, coward! Face us like a true man,” the commander shouted to the shadows and waited for a reply.
A slight figure dressed in a black tunic and trousers dropped in front of the commander after moments of silence and pulled him close before he could cock his gun. The way he was held kept the soldiers from firing for fear of shooting their commander. The figure shook the commander almost playfully in a way bait is waved on a fishing line and revealed a sparkling blade of a dagger.
The was looking into serious, green eyes, peering out of holes framed with whimsical lashes, belaying the laughable appearance of the mask. He went cold at the porcelain lips that smiled in a clownish, almost gruesome way. It depicted the face of a woman with pink cheeks and black hair painted in such a way to suggest it had been powdered blue. The hood of a cloak hid the criminal's hair but did nothing to shadow the horrible mask that had become a sign of terror for all Duritanians.
“What if I am not a man?” the offender whispered in the commander's ear, so only he could hear and plunged the dagger into his stomach, watching the shock and black anger cover his face. She twisted it and watched the pallor come underneath the tan of Duritanian's. She pulled the blade out quickly and let him fall to the ground in a crumpled pile. She backed away as the soldiers fumbled with their muskets.
“Shoot! Shoot, you idiots!” the commander gasped though the blood trickling from his mouth gurgled the message too much for anyone to interpret.
No man was waiting for an order though and shot at the murderer. They all waited a moment, and there was only silence.
Peasants prayed for the survival of their idol while the soldiers told themselves that he couldn't have possibly survived the volley.
An arrow flew yet again and lodged itself into yet another soldier.
The smoke cleared to relieve the suspense and revealed emptiness. She had escaped.
“That is another seven men this lawless man has done away with!” one of the soldiers finally yelled to his fellows.
The beggars quickly disappeared to spare themselves the wrath of the outraged militia and spread the news to others.
The soldier glanced at the six who had been shot down with the primitive arrows and cursed as the last arrow faded and was no more, leaving only the bloody gash and death to tell of its presence. He took command as highest ranked officer and waved toward the corpses as a signal for the men with lesser rank to carry them back to the castle to show the royal advisers.
The one who had been elected to carry the commander hesitated at the sight of so much blood and nudged him with his boot to see if any life could be awakened. He bit back a startled scream when his boot was grasped and bent down when the commander tried to speak. “What did you say, sir?”
“Girl... girl... girl,” he kept repeating, his eyes, filled with pain, searching the private's face desperately for realization.
“Girl?” he asked and frowned as the officer nodded vigorously. “Oh! Of course, we'll tell your girl. That's protocol.” The soldier smiled gently, proud of himself for deciphering the word.
Darkness began to come over the commander and would not be fought. “No... no, no, NO,” he whispered and his grip eased on the soldier's boot.
“Rest in peace, sir,” the man murmured and closed the corpse's eyelids. He picked him up with a slightly disgusted grunt and followed his troop to the castle.
The masked woman watched from the alley shadows undetected but didn't draw an arrow. He was too young. She had promised herself she would only kill the ones responsible for Maliel's fall and was careful not to take anyone who had just reached the mandatory joining age of eighteen. She looked out on the street when the young boy had left with her victim in his arms and let a second pass for the mourning of the casualties of a revolution that had yet to truly start. She took her quiver off and counted the arrows that were clothed in black feathers with golden stripes, racing downward. She smiled and put it back. Fifteen, as many as she had started with. She glanced around the street again to see if the soldiers had injured anyone in their rage, or if one of her arrows had missed her target and found it empty. She jogged deeper into the alley and melted into the shadows.

*Points/reviews given to anyone who reviews my chapters. Either request points/reviews in your review or post a request in the discussion called Points, Points, Points. I need to know which review is yours and what you want. If you want anything else I haven't offered, I'll try to work with you. Right now I'm offering one hundred points per review.

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Last edited by megsug on Tue Apr 12, 2011 12:36 am, edited 11 times in total.
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Wed Sep 01, 2010 12:25 am
TheEnigma says...



A quick opinion: It is kind of short for a chapter, but you can still go with that. Some authors write short chapters.

Now onto the critique.

I liked the plot and the characters well enough--but I think you need to work on the style of the writing a bit. A lot of action took place in the story, but the way you wrote it, it didn't seem very exciting. I think your main problem is your large paragraphs. Here's a suggestion: When you're writing an action scene, move it along quickly. Don't get hung up on small details.

At that moment an arrow whizzed from a rooftop and lodged itself in the man's throat.

His optimistic friend stared at the arrow in shock and felt his hope fail. He had shone up.

The veterans pulled out their muskets immediately and scanned the shadow covered roofs for a black figure. The younger ones quickly followed suit. They scowled at the peasants who burst into cheers but didn't divert their attention from their search for public enemy number one.


I think your first two sentences were a great job writing the action. It jars the reader. It's the third paragraph here that seems kind of slow. The underlined sentence just holds things up too much and distracts from what's happening at the moment. This is a sentence where a lot of stuff is implied, and while those sentences are good, they don't really belong in the middle of a fight.

So--my overall comments:

My biggest suggestion then, is breaking up your paragraphs to keep things moving faster; don't worry about small things when in the middle of the action. Especially since this is a novel, you'll have time to explain a lot later.

That being said, you did a great job revealing enough to intrigue me. Obviously something has happened in this city, and something more is going to happen--that's enough to keep me interested. I also liked your characters, especially the girl who murdered the commander. They spoke like real people. With a good plot and interesting characters, this will make a good story.

Keep working on this. Let me know when you post more.
  





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Wed Sep 01, 2010 12:36 am
megsug says...



Thanks for the post. I'll keep that in mind. Honestly, I'm not very good at action scenes. I'm better at developing personalities.
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Thu Sep 02, 2010 2:00 pm
Kiwisatsuma says...



Hey :)

I like where this is going so far. Plunging straight in with an action scene drew me in well. However, I do agree with TheEnigma that the action scene needs some work to make it more exciting.

Sorry to give opposing advice - I guess it's all a matter of opinion - but I'd say these two lines could definitely be improved.

At that moment an arrow whizzed from a rooftop and lodged itself in the man's throat.

His optimistic friend stared at the arrow in shock and felt his hope fail. He had shone up.

Do you mean "shown up"? Also, there are better ways to convey events unfolding quickly than using phrases like "At that moment" and "suddenly". Try adding in some shorter sentences and vivid description. For example,

An arrow whooshed past. The man turned in shock and saw his friend clutching his neck, his eyes frozen in fear. A long, thin arrow punctured his skin, a dark stream of blood dribbling down his exposed neck.

Okay, that was just an on the spot example and I'm sure you could do better, but the short sentence shows the suddenness of the arrow shot, and the gory description shows the horror of his friend's death. You could describe the panic the soldier feels too, to involve the reader more.

As well as this, I think the action scene would have more effect if you upped the tension prior to it. I can't remember who, but some writer said, "Don't write action scenes, write suspense scenes that require action to resolve them." So if you make more out of the nervousness of the soldiers unsure if the Masquerader will show up, the battle that follows will work better.

Overall though, despite the fact that the action scene could be improved this is a good beginning to the story and I'd definitely like to read more of it. I hope you post more soon. :)
  





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Thu Sep 02, 2010 10:34 pm
megsug says...



I tried to follow people's advice but I may have just made it worse. Any criticism won't hurt my feelings.
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Thu Sep 02, 2010 11:10 pm
Shearwater says...



Hi Megsug, Pink here :)

Alright, so I like this style of writing a lot better than I did in the prologue. Mostly because there was actually a set of events and description to follow, making everything a lot easier and more entertaining to read.
Now, I'm not going to nitpick because I don't have a lot of time right now. But I did notice a few things with commas in this piece. There were a few sentences where you missed the comma after 'and' or 'but' little spots that could be easily missed, I do the same too. Sometimes I miss commas as well but it's important to know where they are and how they work so I recommend you brush up on the rules and go back and edit some of the sentences so they flow more naturally.

Okay, and wow! I thought the Masquerader was a dude. I seriously thought he was some hero and that him and the princess were going to meet but they way it's looking right now, it seems like the princess is the Masquerader! Ah! haha, nice twist. I didn't see it coming. Overall, it's still an interesting piece and I'm wondering what'll happen next.
Keep writing!

~Pink
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Wed Feb 23, 2011 1:23 pm
DeadEndsAreOptional says...



Hey, Megsug! This was an awesome chapter.

He was here.


That sentence got me to sit up in my chair and read it with a different kind of urgency. Which is good, because that's what I like in books.

Many kicked at the ones who dared touch their shining armor, decorated with intricate engravings and always met flesh with a satisfying cry from the victim.


That sentence was really cool. I was able to kind of imagine the soldiers. Very good.

When I read this chapter I started to think that it would be so cool if their was more then one Masquerader. So it could be multiple people. If the soldiers were able to get the Masquerader, it would be *kinda* unexpected if another Masquerader showed himself. Wait - unless it's the puppet queen who is doing it. Oh, that would be awesome. I'm getting so excited to read the next chapter!!!

The story is coming a long great, but I would like to hear why the Masquerader is doing this. Besides Duritan taking over Maliel. Could it be personal? I think it would add more to the character if you did a few flash backs to when it was before the taking over of Maliel. That would be interesting. I'll be sure to read the next chapter as soon as I can. :) Great job!

Keep Writing! :D
~DeadEnds
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Sun Feb 27, 2011 12:14 am
322sivart says...



Hey Megs,
I'm here as requested!
I like your description in a lot of places in this chapter. One thing I really liked is how you described the silence by saying that the clanging of metal was all that could be heard. However:

It depicted the face of a woman with pink cheeks and black hair painted in such a way to suggest it had been powdered blue.


Eh. I'm not crazy about this sentence. The 'powdered blue' is a little unecessary. If it looked blue, you should say so. Don't say that it was intended to be black, but looked blue. It's a little distracting.

She had promised herself she would only kill the ones responsible for Maliel's fall and was careful not to take anyone who had just reached the mandatory joining age of eighteen.


I really like this. It gives us a lot of insight into our protagonist's personality.
Overall, I thought the plot of this chapter was well-executed. You accomplished telling your readers that:
1) Our hero is a woman.
2) She only kills those who were involved in the initial attack on her country.
3) This chapter proves that she is unstoppable against an army such as this one.
I hope to read the second part of this chapter soon. Keep up the good work!
-Alex
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I'd be happy to give them.
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Wed Mar 02, 2011 6:18 am
Orinette says...



Hi again, megsug!

Mmm, another lovely instalment! I really like the way you set this up - though I'm not sure how crazy I am that the Masquerader's gender was revealed so early on. I think I would've preferred it if we were kept guessing. But, hey, you know what you're doing :)

I do have ONE little nitpick; the line

Many kicked at the ones who dared touch their shining armor, decorated with intricate engravings and always met flesh with a satisfying cry from the victim.


is bugging me. Again, it's one of those situations where I have to do a double take to find out what you were trying to say- but it's all to do with order, this time, so no worries! See, the way you have it now with decorated with intricate engravings and always met flesh makes it sound like the shining armor "meets the flesh" rather than the kicks of the soldiers as I'm sure you intended. It's simply your punctuation and the order of info - try something more along the lines of Many kicked at the ones who dared touch their shining armor, decorated with intricate engravings. They always met flesh with a satisfying cry from the victim or even Many kicked at the ones who dared touch their shining, intricately engraved armor... etc.

Other than that, this was a very nice piece! I'm still looking forward to reading more!
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Sat Mar 12, 2011 4:50 am
seeminglymeaningless says...



Hi Meg, Jai here :)

They ignoried the waifs that begged for gold coins and spat at the peasants who came to stare.


One man leaned over to his comrade and whispered with optimism that was not matched by the majority, “Maybe he won't show up this time.”

I have a problem with this. It's only small, but here it is. They all speak a common language? All seven countries just happen to speak Common? It just seems a bit too farfetched to me.

A slight figure dressed in a black tunic and trousers dropped in front of the commander suddenly and pulled him close before he could cock his gun, so he shielded him from any gun fire from the soldiers.

What you are trying to portray here isn't very clear. I think it needs to be separated into two or three sentences.

The beggars quickly disappearied to spare themselves the wrath of the outraged militia and spread the news to others.


The soldier glanced at the six who had been shot down with the primitive arrows and cursed as he realized the weapons had seemingly evaporated again.

How did she manage to retrieve the arrows from those who had fallen AND not get hit by musket fire? Just seems like too much. As if she's invincible when she shouldn't be.

Besides the above, I really enjoyed this first chapter. It was very well written and full of action. Loved it. Hardly anything in this chapter needs to be fixed or altered at all.

- Jai
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Tue Mar 15, 2011 1:13 am
Lauren2010 says...



Hey Meg! Thanks for entering my contest! Here's your complimentary, thanks-for-entering review!

Also, I went ahead and judged your chapter looking at both part 1 and part 2 of chapter one, even though you only linked part 1. They were both rather short, so it was no problem. ;)
Each, no matter how gruff and sturdy glanced up and studied the shadows for movement.

This line didn't make sense to me. I feel like there should be another comma after "sturdy" but I really don't know.

Clanging echoed around the narrow street as the optimistic man fell to his knees,

Which man is the optimistic man?

The small room was filled with warm bodies and loud voices as everyone glanced at the front of the room.

The use of the word "room" twice in this sentence is awkward. Try replacing one with a different word.

[quote]Things we'll give out lives to without a proper fight.[quote]
I re-read this sentence several times, and it still doesn't make any sense to me. Perhaps a rewording is in order? ;)

This was a pretty good chapter! I enjoyed reading it, and your style is lovely. Easy to read, apart from some small issues I had understanding (and maybe it's just me?) some bits. The one major confusion I had was at the end. Camden and the peasant meeting, were they talking about taking over the kingdom from the soldiers, or were they talking about fighting against another country with the soliders? I was unsure, especially when the soldiers came in and took Camden away. Clear that up a bit, and you'll be golden.

Great job, and definitely keep writing!

Thanks again for entering!

-Lauren-
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Mon Apr 11, 2011 4:08 pm
ultraviolet says...



Hey. Here at last.

Each, no matter how gruff and sturdy glanced up and studied the shadows for movement.


The underlined part is the reason you have the comma - it's set apart from the rest of the sentence, sort of like if you had put in parentheses. But having only one comma is like only having one parentheses mark (I forget what they're called, specifically) - and that'd be just plain wrong. You need another comma when you get back to the main action of the sentence. And normally I wouldn't bring up grammar nitpicks, but you've done this quite a few times in this piece, and probably in other chapters as well. Go through it, pay very close attention. If you have one comma, make sure there's a reason why there's not two - make sure you're just creating a pause, not setting a part out.

They ignored the waifs that begged for gold coins and spat at the peasants who came to stare. Many kicked at the ones who dared touch their shining armor, decorated with intricate engravings, and always met flesh with a satisfying cry from the victim.


1. Why are they marching through the square? Believe it or not, we actually want to know. Just adding in a sentence, or stringing a line on an existing one, can make all the difference in how your reader understands everything.

2. Why are the peasants there? Sure, they might be a little interested, but I imagine they'd be a lot more scared. At very least, if I were them, I'd either look through a window from a house or store (I'm not sure exactly what's around them) or hide close to buildings, as far from the soldiers as possible.

3. Why are the peasants touching the armor? Are they mental? I mean, sure, it's shiny, it's cool, but [i]touch[/i it? Are they really so naive as to think there's no repercussion for such things? I just can't see them thinking it worth it.

4. Here's another example of where you need a comma.

“Shut up! D' ya want ta jinx it?”


Why do people do this? I mean, sure, making dialogue unique and interesting is as much a writer's job as it is hard, but please don't resort to giving them messed up accents. Especially if no other person that lives by them speaks that way. If you have an accent like this, there better be a damn good reason why it's there or I'm not going to be happy. Cut the accent; the words are enough to tell us about the character.

Complete chaos broke out as the peasants let out a hardy cheer,


They scowled at the peasants who burst into cheers but didn't divert their attention from their search for public enemy number one.


I'd take out the first cheer; it lessens the impact of the second one, which is the one that shows the situation clearer, and it doesn't really make much sense - if I were them, I wouldn't be sure yet that it was okay to cheer; I'd be standing frozen in place trying to find the masquerader, trying to see if he really is here to save us.

Also, as for being too clunky and unnecessary, cutting down on the action, I don't think the sentence itself is wrong - rather, it's the way you have it. Right now, why would they bother scowling at the peasants? If I were them, I'd be ignoring the masses and putting all my attention to finding the guy, trying not to die. I probably wouldn't even notice what was going on in the crowds, unless I thought it had something to do with the masquerader. I'd reword it to something along the lines of "The peasants burst into cheers, but were ignored by the soldiers who were searching the rooftops for public enemy number one." Okay, bad example, and yes I just took bits from what you wrote, but since this is yours, I think you could pull this off well - a lot better than me.

Those are my only line-by-line things, I think. My only other critique is the masquerader being a girl - why would that matter? Unless this could drastically change how they hunt for him not in costume, I don't see the difference. Maybe your society sees this as a drastic thing, but I don't. So, make sure there's a good reason why this is a supposed twist in your story.

Okay, so I really like this. The whole premise is interesting, very much so. There are, of course, some things to work out, but I want to keep reading, and that's the best thing that could happen. So good job with that.

loveness, ultraviolet <3
"Blah blah blah. You feel trapped in your life. Here is what I am hearing: happiness isn't worth any inconvenience."

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Thu Aug 04, 2011 8:58 pm
BluesClues says...



First of all, I would like to say that this was much more smoothly written than the prologue. So, good job. :)

I love the fact that the optimistic soldier is the first one to die. I tend to be a pretty cheerful person myself, though probably not a true optimist, and yet this was kind of hilarious. Which...you may not have intended it to be, I mean, this story is obviously meant to be more of a serious story than a comedy, but it's nice that you have some moments of hilarity. And we're clearly not supposed to like the Duritanians anyway.

I think you introduce the Masquerader's true gender a little quickly, but you kind of counteract that by making it so that the only person in the story who knows that it's a woman is the commander, who's dead now. Kind of the whole Lord of the Rings thing, where the king of the ring-wraiths says, "No man may kill me," and Eowyn rips off her helmet and says, "I am no man," which is kind of awesome even though it doesn't happen in the book.

Although this is, like I said, a lot smoother than the prologue, there are still some sticky spots where you either could cut something or need to revise. Like here:

“Come out of the shadows, coward! Face us like a true man,” the commander shouted to the shadows and waited for a reply.

In this instance, two things: We can assume the commander is waiting for a reply, so there's no need to tell us he is; also, the second use of the word "shadows" makes the sentence sound repetitive, even though one use is in dialogue and one is in prose. Plus we know that the person is hiding in the shadows, so again, we can assume that's where the commander is shouting to.

In this part, "but most didn't divert their attention from the measly shadows of noon," I think you just need to cut out the word "measly." It doesn't really fit the voice of the story. You can still have a word meaning the same thing, if you want, but try to find one that fits better - "slight," "meager," etc.

And after the optimistic soldier dies, you say, "He was here." Which is cool, and I especially like it because the optimistic soldier is the one who said, "maybe he's not here," but the "he" is odd because in the previous paragraph, "he" refers to the soldier, and now, all of a sudden, "he" means the Masquerader (even though we later find out that the Masquerader is a girl).

So again, just keep an eye out for those sorts of things and this will be much better. It already flows pretty well, and the action is described well.

~Blue
  








Very well; I hear; I admit, but I have a voice too, and for good or evil mine is the speech that cannot be silenced.
— Joseph Conrad, Heart of Darkness