Can You See Me? (Chapter Six ~ Part One)

Yeah... I don't really like this part The next part's more interesting though. I didn't want to post the entire chapter in one post because it would have been a bit long otherwise. Thanks for any reviews! P.S The MC is a guy, just letting you guys know.

Can You See Me? Chapter One

Can You See Me? Chapter Two ~ Part One
Can You See Me? Chapter Two ~ Part Two
Can You See Me? Chapter Three
Can You See Me? Chapter Four

Can You See Me? Chapter Five


I knew this was a bad idea. I couldn’t help but notice the judgmental glances that were aimed at me as I walked down the school hallways. I was used to kids looking at me, snickering. It was different this time though. They were looking at me as if I had two heads or something; it was even worse than usual.
I was extremely relieved when I finally reached my registration class. As long as I was quiet and stayed away from everyone, I should have been fine. Shuffling my way past a few people, I rushed towards my desk.
“Hey mate,” I said, sitting down next to Jax.
Jax’s eyes widened the second he saw me. It was bad enough having a load of stupid strangers staring at me strangely. Having my best friend look at me like that was even worse.
Jax continued to gawk at me as I reached into my bag for my iPod. He finally managed to get some words out of his mouth after I’d taken my iPod out of my bag.
“Hey...” he spoke slowly.
“Where’s Cassie?” I asked him, shoving my headphones into my ears.
Jax hesitated slightly before answering. “She’s not here yet.”
She better get here soon, I thought. Otherwise this is going to seriously awkward; just me and Jax all day.
Neither me or Jax said anything then. Even if he had said something, I wouldn’t have heard him. I had the volume on my iPod turned up as loudly as possible. Jax glanced at me a few times, trying his best to not make it obvious. He wasn’t doing a very good job of it though.
When the bell signalling the end of registration rang, Cassie still hadn’t arrived. Jax and I silently left the classroom and headed towards our History class.
“Hey, does your brother still owe you for that t-shirt you bought for him? If he hasn’t, you should seriously start charging interest.” I forced a smile at Jax.
Not actually saying anything at all, he simply shook his head. Gritting my teeth, I quickened my pace. Jax almost had to jog to keep up with me.
Once the both of us had reached our History class, I opened the door for him.
“Dude, you are allowed to speak to me, you know.” I growled as he walked past me.
Unsurprisingly, he didn’t say anything to that either. This was seriously starting to piss me off now. Was he trying not to offend me or something? If he was, he wasn’t doing it very well. I was past offended by now.
When I saw Cassie hurry into the classroom, relief swept over my body like a rash. Maybe she would actually be able to talk, unlike Jax. Sitting down beside the desk next to mine, she smiled at me. Finally, someone who didn’t simply stare.
“Right class,” Mrs. O’Brian said. “Now that all of you are here, we can finally get on with the lesson. I will begin with a simple question. What does history mean to you?”
I glanced up at the dark haired teacher quickly before scanning the room. Everyone looked as bored as I did and no one had their hand up.
At least they’d stopped staring at me. When Mrs. O’Brian realised that no one was planning on putting their hand up, she asked again.
“Come on class! History is an amazing thing. What would you say is History?”
“Shit,” I muttered, a little too loudly.
Realising how loudly I’d spoke, my entire body froze. I was genuinely shocked when I heard a few people chuckle at my reaction. I couldn’t help but smile slightly.
Glancing at me rather insecurely, Miss. O’Brian continued speaking. She hadn’t even given me a row. Maybe there were some advantages to having both your parents dead?
“How do you think Elizabeth felt knowing that her mother was going to be killed, simply because she did not produce a son?” Miss. O’Brian continued to speak.
“I bet she was well chuffed. In fact, I bet she wanted to watch her mother get her head chopped off. ” I said, sarcastically. "Girls love gore, after all."
Once again, the class chuckled. It was louder though this time. A small rush of energy raced through my body. It was as if I was drinking the alcohol all over again.
Everyone in the class had laughed at my answer. Everyone except for Cassie and Jax, that is. They were literally gaping at me, their eyes wide.
“And to be honest miss,” I shrugged. “No one really gives a crap anyway. You would have to be pretty sad to talk about a load of dead people all day. All you women are the same; boring.”
Mrs. O’Brian almost looked as astounded as Cassie and Jax did. She didn’t show a hint of anger in her eyes though, just shock.
The entire class was laughing now, even the tart, Stacey Morgan. I felt great. People were actually laughing with me for once. I was the centre of attention and it felt amazing.
“Maxxie,” Mrs. O’Brian said calmly. “Can you leave the classroom please?”
I laughed as I took my tattered pencil case and threw it into my school bag. I then reached for my history book and did the same. I stood up before throwing my bag over my shoulder.
“My pleasure!” I winked at Mrs. O’Brian as I walked out of the giggling classroom.



“Max, what is up with you this morning?” Cassie spoke quickly, sitting down.
It was lunchtime now and Cassie, Jax and me were sat in the school canteen. Ripping off a piece of his bread roll, Jax nodded in agreement with Cassie.
“Nothing, just having a bit of fun. What’s up with you, more like.” I shrugged. “Especially gay boy over there.” I nodded at Jax.
I paused for a few moments, realising how harsh and careless I was being. Okay, I was annoyed, but there was no need to take it out on these two.
Sighing heavily, I looked up at both Cassie and Jax. Cassie was twirling her long white-blonde hair around her fingers, looking uncomfortable. Jax on the other hand, just looked angry. Cassie and I both knew that I’d been getting on his nerves today.
“Sorry, I don’t feel too well. I’ve got a bit of a headache.” I sighed apologetically as I realised that my hangover was still pretty bad. “What lesson have we got next?”
Before either one of them had the chance to reply, I heard another voice speaking in my ear. It didn’t take me long to realise who it was.
“You’ve got Science,” Annabel said, sitting in the seat next to me. “Oh, and by the way, Lisa’s just gotten home from work and she is not going to be happy.”
Annabel leaned on the table and placed her pale hands under her chin. She turned to me, an annoyed look gleaming in her eyes.
“She’ll be fine.” I muttered quietly.
“What?” Cassie asked.
I turned my attention to Cassie and Jax, who had a mouthful of bread.
“Don’t worry,” I replied, ignoring Annabel beside me. “We’ve got Science next haven’t we? Today ain’t half dragged on, has it?”
I heard Annabel sigh beside me as Cassie, Jax and I stood up. Shoving the remainders of his roll into his mouth, Jax spoke.
“You’ve got to be Science partners with Victoria Applegate, Max.” He said, spitting food out of his mouth. “That will be a barrel of laughs.”
That was the longest sentence he’d said to me all day. Maybe he was finally loosening up a bit? I hoped he was anyway. Him not being his usual loud, quirky self was really beginning to annoy me now.
I laughed as he threw an empty plastic bag into the small bin next to him. As the three of us strolled the school hallways, I thought about what Jax had said. Victoria seemed like a nice enough girl, she just didn’t actually talk to anyone. Jax, Cassie and I were unpopular, but it was as if Victoria Applegate didn’t even exist. Although, with a surname like Applegate, who could blame her for keeping quiet?

Skins wrote:I knew this was a bad idea. I couldn’t help but notice the judgmental glances that were aimed at me as I walked down the school hallways. I was used to kids looking at me, snickering. It was different this time though. They were looking at me as if I had two heads or something; it was even worse than usual.
I was extremely relieved when I finally reached my registration class. As long as I was quiet and stayed away from everyone, I should have been fine. Shuffling my way past a few people, I rushed towards my desk.
“Hey mate,” I said, sitting down next to Jax.
Jax’s eyes widened the second he saw me. It was bad enough having a load of stupid strangers staring at me strangely. Having my best friend look at me like that was even worse.
Jax continued to gawk at me as I reached into my bag for my iPod. He finally managed to get some words out of his mouth after I’d taken my iPod out of my bag.
“Hey...” he spoke slowly.
“Where’s Cassie?” I asked him, shoving my headphones into my ears.
Jax hesitated slightly before answering. “She’s not here yet.”
She better get here soon,I'll bet the italics were here when you typed it elsewhere I thought. Otherwise this is going to seriously awkward; just me and Jax all day.
Neither me or Jax said anything then. Even if he had said something, I wouldn’t have heard him. I had the volume on my iPod turned up as loudly as possible. Jax glanced at me a few times, trying his best to not make it obvious. He wasn’t doing a very good job of it though.
When the bell signalling the end of registration rang, Cassie still hadn’t arrived. Jax and I silently left the classroom and headed towards our History class.
“Hey, does your brother still owe you for that t-shirt you bought for him? If he hasn’t, you should seriously start charging interest.” I forced a smile at Jax.
Not actually saying anything at all, he simply shook his head. Gritting my teeth, I quickened my pace. Jax almost had to jog to keep up with me.
Once the both of us had reached our History class, I opened the door for him.
“Dude, you are allowed to speak to me, you know.”I liek this line. I growled as he walked past me.
Unsurprisingly, he didn’t say anything to that either. This was seriously starting to piss me off now. Was he trying not to offend me or something? If he was, he wasn’t doing it very well. I was past offended by now.
When I saw Cassie hurry into the classroom, relief swept over my body like a rash. Maybe she would actually be able to talk, unlike Jax. Sitting down beside the desk next to mine, she smiled at me. Finally, someone who didn’t simply stare.
“Right class,” Mrs. O’Brian said. “Now that all of you are here, we can finally get on with the lesson. I will begin with a simple question. What does history mean to you?”
I glanced up at the dark haired teacher quickly before scanning the room. Everyone looked as bored as I did and no one had their hand up.
At least they’d stopped staring at me. When Mrs. O’Brian realised that no one was planning on putting their hand up, she asked again.
“Come on class! History is an amazing thing. What would you say is History?”
“Shit,” I muttered, a little too loudly.
Realising how loudly I’d spoke, my entire body froze. I was genuinely shocked when I heard a few people chuckle at my reaction. I couldn’t help but smile slightly.
Glancing at me rather insecurely, Miss. O’Brian continued speaking. She hadn’t even given me a row. Maybe there were some advantages to having both your parents dead?
“How do you think Elizabeth felt knowing that her mother was going to be killed, simply because she did not produce a son?” Miss. O’Brian continued to speak.
“I bet she was well chuffed. In fact, I bet she wanted to watch her mother get her head chopped off. ” I said, sarcastically.
Once again, the class chuckled. It was louder though this time. A small rush of energy raced through my body. It was as if I was drinking the alcohol all over again.
Everyone in the class had laughed at my answer. Everyone except for Cassie and Jax, that is. They were literally gaping at me, their eyes wide.
“And to be honest miss,” I shrugged. “No one really gives a crap anyway. You would have to be pretty sad to talk about a load of dead people all day. All you women are the same; boring.”You have just won the game. Mrs. O’Brian almost looked as astounded as Cassie and Jax did. She didn’t show a hint of anger in her eyes though, just shock.
The entire class was laughing now, even the tart, Stacey Morgan. I felt great. People were actually laughing with me for once. I was the centre of attention and it felt amazing.
“Maxxie,” Mrs. O’Brian said calmly. “Can you leave the classroom please?”
I laughed as I took my pencil case and threw it into my school bag. I then reached for my history book and did the same. I stood up before throwing my bag over my shoulder.
“My pleasure!” I winked at Mrs. O’Brian as I walked out of the giggling classroom.
“Max, what is up with you this morning?” Cassie spoke quickly, sitting down.
It was lunchtime now and Cassie, Jax and me were sat in the school canteen. Ripping off a piece of his bread roll, Jax nodded in agreement with Cassie.
“Nothing, just having a bit of fun. What’s up with you, more like.” I shrugged. “Especially gay boy over there.” I nodded at Jax.
I paused for a few moments, realising how harsh and careless I was being. Okay, I was annoyed, but there was no need to take it out on these two.
Sighing heavily, I looked up at both Cassie and Jax. Cassie was twirling her long white-blonde hair around her fingers, looking uncomfortable. Jax on the other hand, just looked angry. Cassie and I both knew that I’d been getting on his nerves today.
“Sorry, I don’t feel too well. I’ve got a bit of a headache.” I sighed apologetically. “What lesson have we got next?”
Before either one of them had the chance to reply, I heard another voice speaking in my ear. It didn’t take me long to realise who it was.
“You’ve got Science,” Annabel said, sitting in the seat next to me. “Oh, and by the way, Lisa’s just gotten home from work and she is not going to be happy.”
Annabel leaned on the table and placed her pale hands under her chin. She turned to me, an annoyed look gleaming in her eyes.
“She’ll be fine.” I muttered quietly.
“What?” Cassie asked.
I turned my attention to Cassie and Jax, who had a mouthful of bread.
“Don’t worry,” I replied, ignoring Annabel beside me. “We’ve got Science next haven’t we? Today ain’t half dragged on, has it?”
I heard Annabel sigh beside me as Cassie, Jax and I stood up. Shoving the remainders of his roll into his mouth, Jax spoke.
“You’ve got to be Science partners with Victoria Applegate, Max.” He said, spitting food out of his mouth. “That will be a barrel of laughs.”
That was the longest sentence he’d said to me all day. Maybe he was finally loosening up a bit? I hoped he was anyway. Him not being his usual loud, quirky self was really beginning to annoy me now.
I laughed as he threw an empty plastic bag into the small bin next to him. As the three of us strolled the school hallways, I thought about what Jax had said. Victoria seemed like a nice enough girl, she just didn’t actually talk to anyone. Jax, Cassie and I were unpopular, but it was as if Victoria Applegate didn’t even exist. Although, with a surname like Applegate, who could blame her for keeping quiet?

There wasn't much wrong with this. Only the beginning was a little rough; everything else was great. And that's all I got to say about that.

Story wise, lots to like here. You'll have to forgive me for having forgotten the MC is drunk in this chapter (or is she in a hangover?) Some of her dialogue surprised me, but ina good way. I wouldn't actually say that to my history teach though, though that sounds exactly what an intoxicated person would say. Well done.

Hi Skins. I had been planning to do the review yesterday but just couldn't. But I am here now to serve you with my awesomeness**. So glad to help and review.

Otherwise this is going to be seriously awkward; just me and Jax all day.

When I saw Cassie hurry into the classroom, relief swept over my body like a rash.

I haven't heard this phrase before but rash doesn't seem the word.

“Right class,” Mrs. O’Brian said. “Now that all of you are here, we can finally get on with the lesson. I will begin with a simple question. What does history mean to you?” "How do you think Elizabeth felt knowing that her mother was going to be killed, simply because she did not produce a son?” Miss. O’Brian continued to speak.

Once you use Mrs for O'Brian and then Miss.

“Can you leave the classroom, please?”

Its not wrong f you don't put the comma here but it would be col to have one. It would look as if she's begging him to leave with all her sympathies.

“My pleasure!” I winked at Mrs. O’Brian as I walked out of the giggling classroom.

“Max, what is up with you this morning?” Cassie spoke quickly, sitting down.
these two lines(i.e. the above line and the below one should be joined. No space. It would look then that its one scene. Otherwise everything is getting confusing.)
It was lunchtime now and Cassie, Jax and me were sat in the school canteen. Ripping off a piece of his bread roll, Jax nodded in agreement with Cassie.

Okay, I was annoyed, but there was no need to take it out on these two.

I like his beahaviour on this one. He knows he's doing something wrong but he's still doing it. It happens with me also sometimes.

“We’ve got Science next, haven’t we? Today ain’t half dragged on, has it?”

I hoped he was, anyway.

Although, With a surname like Applegate, who could blame her for keeping quiet?

LOL!

I don't have anything new to say except for that it was excellent and good. Blah! Blah! I give the same review every time, don't I? I am no help. But there were many less mistakes.Hope this helped a bit. PM me or drop in request. Good JoB!

RK the MC is not she. He is he.

Hey there Skins,

I have no nitpicks about the grammar and I have to congratulate you; the flow and the writing just keeps getting better at every chapter.

What I don't understand is why everyone's staring at him, refusing to speak, even his best friend. Is it because they are uncomfortable? BEcause his parents are dead and he ran away from school? Because he got drunk. I just don't get it but maybe it's just me.

Great chapter!!
Tanya

Hiya Skins! Sorry for the late review. D:

Well, every time you say you don't quite like something you've written, it always turns out awesome! This was no exception...actually, it's probably my favorite one so far!

The only thing I thought needed fixing was your lack of separation between the two segments (the classroom and the lunchroom). You didn't skip a line or use any symbols to mark passage of time. My suggestion, in order to prevent confusion among your readers, is to skip a line after your last sentence in the classroom, add a few asterisks (*), and skip another line. That way there're no mistakes!

But overall, I honestly wish this was a book right now, because I would definitely read it! Great work, and keep it up!

-Knightley

EDIT: That's much better. I loffs you.

It's sunny outside Which puts me in a good mood, but it also means my head is a little frazzled so I apologise if any of this doesn't make sense. Feel free to complain if it doesn't.

Review 6.1

As I've said before, this story is awesome. Even though it takes place in an average, every day setting, every chapter seems to bring something new and interesting to the story. The characters are also developing really well, even the not-so-main ones.

Something I've noticed in other chapters but it seems quite prominent in this one in particular is that you need to think twice when you write about passing time. Think three times, actually.

For example, walking through school hallways is quite refreshing after a boring lesson. It takes at least five or ten minutes to settle before getting bored of another. Maybe if it's a hot day everyone is more sluggish, or this room is especially dull it would have that effect.

That counts for how things progress too. Maxxie was pretty angry with Jax in the beginning, but then at the end you say that Jax was starting to annoy him. You could make Maxxie more empathetic at the beginning, or maybe after his outburst he restrains himself more at the end. Emotions will always grow more intense unless something interrupts them.

The older you get, the worse hangovers feel. For the average sixteen year old they'd probably feel a little nauseous after waking, but headaches and such won't be much of a problem.

And lastly, stop saying that you dislike chapters! Have a little faith in your own work