Young Writers Society

Okay! Just to warn you, this is pretty long. I think it is anyway!

I've been pretty happy with my last few chapters, but this one... not so happy. I'm painfully bad at reviewing my own stuff, so I would really appreciate some reviews. Can anyone tell me what's wrong with this please?

Can You See Me? Chapter One/Prologue
Can You See Me? Chapter Two ~ Part One
Can You See Me? Chapter Two ~ Part Two

Everyone says that a funeral is to celebrate someone’s life, but I disagree. Celebrations are meant to be happy. Christmas, birthdays, Easter, they’re all celebrations; not funerals. There’s nothing happy about a funeral.
I’d been spending a lot of my time behind doors lately, which included people on the other side calling me. It was a warm Spring day in the beginning of June, and I was lying on my bed, my iPod headphones blasting loud music into my ears. The afternoon sun was gleaming through the vertical blinds on my window, and I could smell the fresh sea air as it circled my bedroom. It was as if the pleasant weather was mocking me, mocking today. Mocking me because today was the day of my parents' funeral.
I could hear my uncle, Damien, calling me from the other side of my bedroom door. Although, his voice was more or less drained out by the voice of Tom DeLonge, blaring from my iPod. The wake was going on downstairs, but I didn’t want to be a part of it. Damien had only just managed to get me to go to the funeral, which was absolutely terrible. The cemetery was full of dead people-literally.
Five or so minutes had passed and my uncle was still at the door. Why did I even need to go downstairs? It would only involve a load of people staring at me with sympathetic eyes. Although, I knew what would really be going through their minds when they saw me. It's his fault, we wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for him. I shook the negative thoughts out of my head.
“Max,” Damien called, “Just come downstairs for half an hour?”
He wasn’t going to give up, was he? Sighing heavily, I paused my iPod before switching it off. Throwing it carelessly onto the floor, I stood up. Half an hour wouldn’t hurt, would it?
“Happy?” I mumbled as I opened the door, forcing my uncle to step backwards.
He smiled at me, but it was obviously forced. Damien was still talking as I dragged my feet down the stairs. As I stepped into my living room, I saw a crowd of familiar faces. To be honest, I wasn’t happy to see any of them. The two faces that I wanted to see were gone; forever.
“Maxxie!” My sister exclaimed, turning to me. “Damien finally got you downstairs.”
“Yeah,” I muttered, sitting on the sofa.
Lisa had asked some of her friends around, which actually really annoyed me. It was a wake, not a birthday party. She’d asked me to invite some friends around as well, but I immediately said no. I only had two friends anyway, so I was hardly missing out.
“Do you want me to get you something to eat?” Lisa asked, sitting next to me.
“Lisa, I’m sixteen,” I snapped rudely. “If I want food, I’ll get it myself. I am capable, you know. It’s not like I’ve died.”
Gritting my teeth, I shot up and left the room. I heard her call after me, but I didn’t bother turning around. Instead, I just walked into my kitchen.
The kitchen was full, too, although there were a lot more kids than adults in there. They were all crowded around the snack table, asking their parents for every sweet thing that was placed in front of them. Rolling my eyes as the parents gave in to their children, I headed over to the drinks table. Not caring if anyone saw, I grabbed a big bottle of vodka.
As I was about to leave the room, something distracted me. Standing in the doorway was my sister. Just leave me alone, I thought to myself as I heard her shout my name.
“Maxxie!” she called in a high pitched voice.
Gritting my teeth, I glared at her. “What?”
Lisa weaved her way in and out of a few people, before standing in front of me. She was followed by one of her bleach blonde friends, who looked absolutely bored.
“Are you okay?” Lisa spoke softly.
“Yep! Fine, perfect!” I spat in her face. “Never been better!”
Lisa simply stared at me, shocked. Her friend, on the other hand, looked awkward. Why couldn’t Lisa leave me alone? Did she have to follow me everywhere? I sighed heavily; I knew I’d regret leaving my room.
Rolling my eyes, I shoved my way past my sister and walked towards the kitchen door. I headed into my hallway, still holding the clear bottle of vodka. Ten seconds later, I'd left my house.
It was nice to be outside. I hadn’t really been outside in a while, not properly anyway. As I strolled along the pavement, an uncomfortable feeling began to grow in my stomach. Maybe I had been a bit hard on my sister...
I sighed heavily as I kicked a small stone onto the road, before sitting on the grey pavement. I knew for a fact that my sister would come and find me soon, so what I also knew was that I had to make the most of my time alone. Closing my eyes, I leaned back, eventually lying down.
“You shouldn’t take it out on Lisa, you know.”
I quickly opened my eyes to see Annabel lying down next to me, her white summer dress spread across the tarmac floor.
“I know,” I mumbled, shutting my eyes again.
I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I just felt so angry. I knew it was stupid, but I couldn’t help it. Annabel had begun humming her usual tune when I thought of something. Hastily sitting up and opening my eyes, I turned to her.
“Have you seen them?” I spoke quickly. “Are they here? Where are they?”
Obviously knowing who I was talking about, Annabel looked at me softly.
“No.” She shook her head. “Mum and dad have probably moved on. Or at least, I hope they have.” She was suddenly standing beside me.
I knew that it was selfish, but I wished that they hadn’t moved on. I wanted them to be earthbound. I wanted to see them, I needed to see them. Even if it was for a matter of seconds. The past few weeks had felt like a dream; none of it seemed real. If I saw them, I knew that it would make everything real. I knew it would help me move on.
“It’s all my fault,” I whispered, more to myself really.
“No it’s not,” Annabel replied. “Don’t think like that.”
She was trying to make me feel better, but Annabel knew as well as I did that she was lying. What happened to my parents was my fault, everyone knew that. Even though no one said it, they all thought it.
My parents were on their way to the music store to buy some stupid guitar that I wanted. No one really knew what happened exactly, there weren’t any witnesses. All they knew was that somewhere along the way, the car crashed. That was it. One stupid accident wrecked everything. And if it wasn’t for me, none of it would have happened.
Forcing myself not to cry, I shut my eyes.
“Why does everyone keep saying that?” I muttered. “Why can’t you just hate me? That’s what I deserve.”
When I heard nothing but silence, I thought that she actually agreed with what I said. I realised I was wrong when seconds later, I heard a man’s deep voice.
“Oi! Get off my driveway!” he shouted. “Jesus Christ! You kids have no respect anymore!”
Rolling my eyes, I picked up the bottle of vodka and stood up. As I turned around, I saw a balding middle-aged man standing in the doorway of the house in front of me.
As he continued to call me everything under the sun, I casually continued to stroll along the pavement. I could still hear him when I was a good hundred yards away. It was times like this when I wished I had my iPod.
What was the point anymore? My sister was all that I had now, and it wasn’t like we got along. What I hated even more was the fact that she was lying to me. I knew that she blamed me for what happened to mum and dad; I definitely did. If I knew that it was my fault, I was pretty sure that everyone else did too.
I carried on walking until I reached the opening where the pavement cut off into a wooded area. The sun had began to set now, so there were small beams of light peering through the witch-like branches of the old trees.
Ignoring the world around me, I leaned against one of the old oak trees and slowly slid down until I was sitting on the muddy ground below me. Lifting the bottle of unopened vodka in front of my face, I observed it carefully. I’d never really drunk before; the most I’d ever had was a few cans of Strongbow at a house party. Oh well, I had to start sometime.
After unscrewing the plastic lid, I lifted the bottle to my mouth, taking a small sip of the clear drink. I flinched as the bitter, hot liquid slid down my dry throat. After the burning sensation had disappeared, I took another sip. I grinned slightly. This time, it gave me a short buzz, almost like electricity racing through my body.
So I took another sip. And then another.
After another few sips, I could feel my worries and anxieties slowly fade away. My thin lips turned into a small, relieved smile. I was feeling the happiest I’d felt in a very long time. It was amazing what a bit of alcohol did to you.


Thanks in advance for any reviewes!

xoxo Skins

[quote="Skins
Everyone says that a funeral is to celebrate someone’s life, but I disagree. Celebrations are meant to be happy. Christmas, birthdays, Easter, they’re celebrations; not funerals. There’s nothing happy about a funeral.
I’d been spending a lot of my time behind doors lately, which included people on the other side calling me. It was a warm Spring day at change 'at' to 'in' the beginning of June, and I was lying on my bed, my iPod earphones blasting loud music into my ears. The afternoon sun was gleaming through the vertical blinds on my window, and I could smell the fresh sea air as it circled my bedroom. It was as if the pleasant weather was mocking me, mocking today. Because today was the day of my parents funeral.
I could just hear my uncle, Damien, calling me from the other side of my bedroom door. Although, his voice was more or less drained out by the voice of Tom DeLonge, blaring from my iPod. The wake was going on downstairs, but I didn’t want to be a part of it. Damien had only just managed to get me to go to the funeral, which was absolutely terrible. The cemetery was full of dead people, literally.
Ten or so minutes had passed and my uncle was still at the door. Why did I even need to go downstairs? It would only involve a load of people staring at me with sympathetic eyes. Although, I knew what would really be going through their minds when they saw me. It's his fault, we wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for him. I shook the negative thoughts out of my head.
“Max,” Damien called, “Just come downstairs for half an hour?”
He wasn’t going to give up was he? Sighing heavily, I paused my iPod before switching it off. Throwing it carelessly onto the floor, I stood up. Half an hour wouldn’t hurt, would it?
“Happy?” I mumbled as I opened the door, forcing my uncle to step backwards.
He smiled at me, but it was obviously forced. Ignoring him completely, I dragged my feet down the stairs. As I stepped into my living room, I saw a crowd of familiar faces. But "But" doesn't typically make a good sentence-starter. I wasn’t happy to see any of them. The two faces that I wanted to see were gone; forever.
“Maxxie!” My sister said, turning to me. “Damien finally got you downstairs,”
This needs to be indented."Yeah,” I muttered, sitting on the sofa.
Lisa had asked some of her friends around, which actually really annoyed me. It was a wake, not some kind of birthday party. She’d asked me to invite some friends around as well, but I immediately said no. I only had two friends anyway, so I was hardly missing out.
“Do you want me to get you something to eat?” Lisa asked, sitting next to me.
“Lisa, I’m sixteen,” I spoke rudely. “If I want food, I’ll get it myself. I am capable, you know. It’s not like I’ve died.”
If this is a new paragraph, remember to indent Without caring about what my sister said next, I shot up and left the room. I heard her call after me, but I didn’t bother turning around. Instead, I just walked into my kitchen.
The kitchen was full too, although there were a lot more kids than adults in there. They were all crowded around the snack table, asking their parents for every sweet thing that was placed in front of them. Rolling my eyes as the parents gave in to their children, I headed over to the drinks table. Not caring if anyone saw, I grabbed a big bottle of vodka.
As I was about to leave the room, something distracted me. Standing in the doorway was my sister. Just leave me alone, I thought to myself as I heard her shout my name.
“Maxxie!” She called in a high pitched voice.
Gritting my teeth, I glared at her. “What?”
Lisa weaved her way in and out of a few people, before standing in front of me. She was followed by one of her bleach blonde friends, who looked absolutely bored, I must say.
“Are you okay?” Lisa spoke softly.
“Yep! Fine, perfect!” I spat in her face. “Never been better!”
Lisa simply stared at me, shocked. Her friend, on the other hand, just looked awkward. Why couldn’t Lisa leave me alone? Did she have to follow me everywhere? I sighed heavily; I knew I’d regret leaving my room.
Rolling my eyes, I shoved my way past my sister and walked towards the kitchen door. Without an ounce of hesitation I headed into my hallway, still holding the bottle of unopened vodka. Slamming the front door behind me, I left my house.
It was nice to be outside. I hadn’t really been outside in a while, not properly anyway. As I strolled along the pavement, an uncomfortable feeling began to grow in my stomach. Maybe I had been a bit hard on my sister...
Shaking the thought out of my head, I kicked a small stone onto the road, before sitting on the grey pavement. This is okay I suppose, but maybe the fragments could be rearranged? They sound sort of-unnatural or something this way. I knew for a fact that my sister would come and find me soon, so what I also knew was that I had to make the most of my time alone. Closing my eyes, I leaned back, eventually lying down.
“You shouldn’t take it out on Lisa, you know.”
I quickly opened my eyes to see Annabel lying down next to me, her white summer dress spread across the tarmac floor.
“I know,” I mumbled, shutting my eyes again.
I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I just felt so angry. I knew it was stupid, but I couldn’t help it. Annabel had just begun humming her usual tune when I thought of something. Hastily sitting up and opening my eyes, I turned to her.
“Have you seen them?” I spoke quickly. “Are they here? Where are they?”
Obviously knowing who I was talking about, Annabel looked at me softly.
“No,” She shook her head. “Mum and dad have probably moved on. Or at least, I hope they have.” She was suddenly standing beside me.
I knew that it was selfish, but I wished that they hadn’t moved on. I wanted them to be earthbound. I wanted to see them, I needed to see them. Even if it was for a matter of seconds. The past few weeks had felt like a dream; none of it seemed real. If I saw them, I knew that it would make everything real. I knew it would help me move on.
“It’s all my fault,” I whispered, more to myself really.
“No it’s not,” Annabel replied. “Don’t think like that.”
She was trying to make me feel better, but Annabel knew as well as I did that she was lying. What happened to my parents was my fault, everyone knew that. Even though no one said it, they all thought it.
My parents were on their way to the music store to buy some stupid guitar that I wanted. No one really knew what happened exactly, there weren’t any witnesses. All they knew was that somewhere along the way, the car crashed. That was it. One stupid accident wrecked everything. And if it wasn’t for me, none of it would have happened.
Forcing myself not to cry, I shut my eyes tightly.
“Why does everyone keep saying that?” I muttered. “Why can’t you just hate me? That’s what I deserve.”
When I heard nothing but silence, I thought that she actually agreed with what I said. I realised I was wrong when ten seconds later, I heard a man’s deep voice.
“Oi! Get off my driveway!” He shouted. “You kids have no respect anymore, Jesus Christ!”
Even more annoyed than before, I picked up the unopened bottle of vodka and stood up. As I turned around, I saw a balding middle aged man standing in the doorway of the house in front of me.
As he continued to call me everything under the sun, I casually continued to stroll along the pavement. I could still hear him when I was a good hundred yards away. It was times like this when I wished I had my iPod.
What was the point anymore? My sister was all I had left, and it wasn’t like we got along. What I hated even more was the fact that she was lying to me. I knew that she blamed me for what happened to mum and dad; I definitely did. If I knew that it was my fault, I was pretty sure that everyone else did too.
I carried on walking until I reached the opening where the pavement cut off into a wooded area. The sun had began to set now, so there were small beams of light peering through the witch like branches of the old trees.
Ignoring the world around me, I leaned against one of the old oak trees and slowly slid down until I was sitting on the muddy floorground. He's outside after all below me. Lifting the bottle of vodka in front of my face, I observed it carefully. I’d never really drunk before; the most I’d ever had was a few cans of Strongbow at a house party. Oh well, I had to start sometime. In my opinion, italics aren't needed there.
After unscrewing the plastic lid, I lifted the bottle to my mouth, taking a small sip of the clear drink. I flinched as the bitter, hot liquid slid down my dry throat. After the burning sensation had disappeared, I took another sip. I grinned slightly. This time, it gave me a short buzz, almost like electricity racing through my body.
So I take another sip. And then another.
After another few sips, I could feel my worries and anxieties slowly fading away. My thin lips turned into a small, relieved smile. I was feeling the happiest I’d felt in a very long time. It was amazing what a bit of alcohol did to you.

[/quote]

Sounds interesting. I'll try to get to the older chapter and the prologue if I have the time.
Well written and I had very few nitpicks, although I noticed that you used the italics just a bit too much.

Hi Skins! I am here to review!

First off, this doesn't need nearly as much help as you think it needs. I actually really enjoyed it! This was extremely heartfelt, and you made me understand what Maxxie was going through. If I hadn't already gone through it myself, I'm sure this would have helped.

Just a few things:

The wake was going on downstairs, but I didn’t want to be a part of it.

The wake is before the funeral. Well, it might be different for you if you live in another country or something, but I've never heard of the wake being after the funeral...

My parents were on their way to the music store to buy some stupid guitar that I wanted.

Aw, this part made me sad...I could imagine this happening to me.

Oh! And I found this really awesome article about comma usage for you! Check it out: topic19162.html

Anyways, I actually really like this chapter, Skins! Keep it up.

-Knightley

Oh, and if you want a review, could you post it in my Will Review for Food thread? I don't care one bit that you PMed me, but it will help keep my thread alive and attract others to ask me for reviews. Thanks.

Thanks for the reviews guys

Thanks for that comma link thing! I suck so badly when it comes to commas... They deeply confuse me...

Knightley: As for the funeral/wake thing, the wake does come after the funeral where I live! I googled it (Oh, how I love Google..) and apparently, the wake happens after the funeral in Australia, New Zealand and the UK.

You learn something new every day!

Huh, didn't know that! It's before in the US...Oh, and you're welcome for the article thing! I thought of you when I saw it. But don't worry...You're not as horrible as you make it sound.

Hey Skins! Here's Esther!

First off, I would like to say that I loved the beginning of this chapter. The quote about funerals was interesting and it kept me interested. I read the other chapters but I decided not to review them because they already had quite a few, I believe. (All though all chapters were very well written!)Here is a nitpick:

The cemetery was full of dead people, literally.

This line is not needed. We already know that that the cemetery is full of dead people. If it was a joke, it's too obvious to be very funny.

I see that another person has covered the other nitpicks, so I will just give you an overall analysis:

CHARACTERS: The main character is very interesting. I have not learned to really like her yet, however. Make her more relate able. Annabell is fantastic. Her little quirks are very fun to read. The back up characters are dull to me so far. Except for the guy that kicked our MC off his lawn. (hilarious, for some reason.)

PLOT: Very solid. It's down to earth but has enough supernatural stuff to keep us interested.

FLOW: This flows very nicely. You have a good intro and and a good ending. Some of the middle parts feel as if you are just having the MC mope from place to place without any direction, which can be a turn off to the reader. Good job, however.

OVERALL: Very good! Work on your comma use and where the story is actually heading. Keep the main character more likable. Other than that, this was a joy to read. I look forward to anything that you will write in the future!

Hi Skins. I am finally here after a long nights sleep. Sorry I got late. I must admit that your writing is getting better than each passing chapter and your story is really interesting me. Now I could feel all his pain. Such a typical sixteen year old boy with a disaster. You are going on the right track. I can see that you are more concious now about putting the commas which is good.

Christmas, birthdays, Easter, they’re all celebrations; not funerals.

Adding all is very essential beause otherwise its sounding like that you don't believe that Christmas, birthdays etc. is not funeral. Hope you understand.

I’d been spending a lot of my time behind doors lately, which included people on the other side calling me.

Because today was the day of my parents' funeral.

He wasn’t going to give up, was he?

Please revise your question tags. There's a comma after finishing your question like above. I found this mistake once earlier also.

Half an hour wouldn’t hurt, would it?

Here you used them perfectly.

The two faces that I wanted to see were gone; forever.

Nice line and emotional too.

Without an ounce of hesitation, I headed into my hallway, still holding the bottle of unopened vodka.

It was nice to be outside. I hadn’t really been outside in a while, not properly anyway.

My sister was all I had left, and it wasn’t like we got along.

The first part of the sentence, the one before the comma should be like: My sister was all that I had now....

So I take took another sip.

After another few sips, I could feel my worries and anxieties slowly fading fade away.

'Fade' if used matches more to the tense.

Definitely PM me when you have more. Best of luck!

KEEP WRITING!!!!!

Skins wrote:Christmas, birthdays, Easter, they’re all celebrations(;) not funerals.

Semi-colon misuse. That needs to be a dash, preferably.

Skins wrote:It was a warm Spring day in the beginning of June, and I was lying on my bed, my iPod earphones blasting loud music into my ears.

Maybe change "earphones" to "headphones", so the word "ear" doesn't appear twice in the same sentence.

Skins wrote:It was as if the pleasant weather was mocking me, mocking today. Because today was the day of my parents' funeral.

I like the mocking part, but how you introduce the fact it's his parents' funeral in the final sentence... It seems "tossed-in" thoughtlessly. I suggest you review that part and figure out how to make it flow better; I know you can do it, because you've done it in two chapters already flawlessly.

Skins wrote:Although, his voice was more or less drained out by the voice of Tom DeLonge, blaring from my iPod.

The way you phrase this makes it sound like a fragment. I was half-expecting a "somehow" at the end of this passage, and when it wasn't there, the whole sentence seemed awkward. The reason? That "Although" at the beginning. Remove it, and add "though" at the end of "iPod".

Skins wrote:The cemetery was full of dead people(,) literally.

That comma... in this kind of situation, a dash seems more pleasant, since you really want to separate that "literally" to emphasize it in the phrase.

Skins wrote:The two faces that I wanted to see were gone(;) forever.

That semi-colon in parenthesis would be better fit as a comma, or even, totally erased. Take your pick.

Skins wrote:“Maxxie!” My sister said, turning to me. “Damien finally got you downstairs(,)”

It sounds like she's exclaiming, not saying that. "To say" is so emotionless without adding an adverb... I would understand "my sister said with zeal", but here, it's really not working. You should change that "said" to "exclaimed". Also, the "M" in "My" needs to me lower-case.

At the end, that comma is 100% incorrect. A period or an exclamation mark, whichever you feel is better, is in order.

Skins wrote:The kitchen was full, too, although there were a lot more kids than adults in there.

In red, I show where you've omitted a comma.

Skins wrote:“Maxxie!” She called in a high pitched voice.

That "S" in "She" needs to be lower-case.

Skins wrote:She was followed by one of her bleach blonde friends, who looked absolutely bored, I must say.

Again, a compound adjective. "Bleach-blonde".

Also, the "I must say" at the end of the sentence is a bit weird. She looked bored. Fact stated. No need to place "I must say" at the end; it makes the sentence look a bit wonky.

Skins wrote:"No(,)” She shook her head. “Mum and dad have probably moved on. Or at least, I hope they have.” She was suddenly standing beside me.

That comma should be a period; the following phrase doesn't describe how it's being said. It's an action, and a statement.

Skins wrote:One stupid accident wrecked everything(.) And if it wasn’t for me, none of it would have happened.

That period should be a comma, and that "A" in "And" should become lower-case.

Skins wrote:“Oi! Get off my driveway!” He shouted. “You kids have no respect anymore, Jesus Christ!”

That "H" in "He" should be lower-case.

I would personally add the adverb "angrily" to the end of "shouted". The phrase seems bland otherwise.

That "Jesus Christ" at the end seems out-of-place. It should be at the beginning.

Skins wrote:I saw a balding middle aged man standing in the doorway of the house in front of me.

"middle aged" is a compound adjective, and should be written "middle-aged".

Overview

Pretty good, but not as good as the other chapters. It feels a bit rushed.

I'm not a plot/character specialist, but I do enjoy how you've portrayed the characters. They're both realistic and easy to follow.

Hoping to see chapter four and improvements.

Hey Skins; here as requested. I haven't read any of the previous installments, so you'll have to bear with me!

His voice was more or less drained out by the voice of Tom DeLonge, blaring from my iPod though.

"Though" sounds funny and is unnecessary!

The cemetery was full of dead people-literally.

Were you trying to be clever with this? Because I don't believe it worked. Of course the cemetery is full of dead people. Plus, this character doesn't seem to be in the proper mindset right now to be making clever little comments. I know Esther already mentioned it, but you've edited it since then and it's still there, so I'm repeating it.

EDIT: Okay, that makes a bit more sense now! But, if the cemetery is full of dead people, why is Annabel the only one MC sees?

Also: the uncle waited for ten minutes? That's actually a really long time, for something like this. And why didn't he just walk in? You never mention the door being locked.

so there were small beams of light peering through the witch like branches of the old trees.

Peering through the witch? What witch?

Your prose is good-- proper grammar and tenses and everything, thank God! --but I think the main problem is that it's a bit clunky. Clunky, meaning you have some excess words thrown in there that do nothing for the story and just clog up the writing style. Makes the narration feel stuffy.

Adverbs, first of all. You say, "spoke rudely", but isn't there a strong verb that would be better, like "snapped" or "hissed"? It gives more of an image instead of an explanation. You also say that he shuts his eyes tightly. "Tightly" doesn't need to be said. That action doesn't need an adverb to describe it-- it's irrelevant and unnecessary.

Another thing is this pattern I've noticed:

Ignoring him completely, I dragged my feet down the stairs.

Without caring about what my sister said next, I shot up and left the room.

Rolling my eyes, I shoved my way past my sister and walked towards the kitchen door. Without an ounce of hesitation I headed into my hallway, still holding the bottle of unopened vodka. Slamming the front door behind me, I left my house.

Shaking the thought out of my head, I kicked a small stone onto the road, before sitting on the grey pavement.

You seem to have a habit of prefacing action (dragged my feet, shot up and left, shoved my way past, left my house, kicked a stone) with unnecessary emotional explanation. It's a given that if you turn away from your uncle while he's talking and drag your feet down the stairs that you're ignoring him. It's a given that you wouldn't be leaving the room if you cared about what your sister was saying. There's clearly no hesitation in his steps when he heads into the hallway. He's clearly angry and frustrated-- that's what the whole scene is about, so it's not necessary to describe him slamming the door.

Basically, you've got a lot of excess phrases that are just redundant. PM me if I'm not being clear-- I know what I'm trying to explain, but I'm not sure if I'm phrasing it well enough for anyone else to understand. xD Show emotions through the actions of your characters instead of saying outright what they're feeling or why they're doing something. If you're doing your job as a writer, your readers will be able to pick up on the feelings and atmosphere of each scene.

Hope this helps, and keep writing! Go through your writing and take out repetitive information and empty words (like "just" and "some" and "only" and "some kind of") to make your prose cleaner and crisper.

~Evi

Hey Skins!

Well I think you're doing a pretty good job of moving the story along, and keeping it pretty interesting. Every one's pretty much covered everything. One thing though, you called the bottle of vodka "the unopened bottle of vodka" like six times. Try changing it to something else .

Good luck continuing this.

Thanks for the reviews guys, I really appreciate it

As for the comment about the dead people in the cemetery, it would have made a lot more sense to the people who have read the other chapters. The reason for the comment is because the MC can see spirits. Annabel is a spirit, for example. Make sense now?

Once again, thanks!

xoxo Skins

LOL well, I got it right away -comment about the dead people in the cemetary- and I thought it was quite clever. Then again, I've just spent the last 2 hours reading and reviewing your chapters. I need to get a life. lol

Am I the only one to notice the two obvious points?
One: Chapter one, the sister's name was Lisa. Chapter two, she was Sarah. Chapter three, she's back to Lisa again! Are they twins?

Two: in the first chapter, Damien was the baby brother. Now he's the uncle? Or was the baby named after the uncle? If so, where's the baby?

Well, this chapter was great I found, but that was mentioned before. Everything flowed nicely, great work, keep writing!

Tanya

Review Three

Wow. In Chapter 2 part 2 I mentioned that you didn't fully take advantage of the whole grief situation, but I'd say here you've done it perfectly. Who knew he was the kind of person to pick up a bottle? It took me by surprise, but I like it. It's the kind of scene you look at and want to yell at the main character that they're about to do something stupid.

The beginning is odd. I've not heard many people say that funerals are celebrations, it's a bit of a warped perspective.

When you use the Big Three (repeating the same word three times) make sure you have a few other words in between them. Having them too close together, as you've done with the word 'mocking' makes it seem a little too forced.

Another tip that's going to seem a little extreme; don't use 'although.' Ever. It seems to be one of your favourite words, and it get stuck right there at the front of a sentence with little purpose. Word with little purpose, well... have little purpose. They're like ink smudges that just get in the way of all the other words.

And don't forget to avoid the commas

On to chapter four.

The afternoon sun was gleaming through the vertical blinds on my window, and I could smell the fresh sea air as it circled my bedroom. It was as if the pleasant weather was mocking me, mocking today. Mocking me because today was the day of my parents' funeral. My advice first off is to take off the part that's underlined. It just seemed really weird to me. Second, I kind of think you should start with this part, and take out the first paragraph, which is a little sketchy.

Other than that, not too bad. Oh, but one thing is that I think Lisa would be a little more upset than that. I mean, they're her parents too aren't they? So why she may not have this dark cloud of guilt hanging over her head, I can't imagine it'd be much of a party either.
Keep writing,
~StoryWeaver