Young Writers Society

I wasn't actually going to do a part two of this, but the I realised that the first part was really short! It might seem a bit rushed because... well, it was

It would help an awful lot if you read the first two parts of this
Chapter One
Chapter Two (Part one)

Anyway, here's chapter two, part two ~

I felt as though I was having some terrible nightmare where my heart would come spilling out of my chest at any moment. None of it seemed real, my mind was completely blank. I couldn’t speak. I didn’t want to speak. I knew what was coming if did. I knew that Miss Cheddar would confirm what I ‘d already figured out. It couldn't be possible; things like this didn't happen in real life. Just in movies, books, and on the news.
Looking anywhere but Miss Cheddar’s sympathetic eyes, I began slowly rubbing my arm. This wasn’t happening. This couldn’t be happening. I glanced up at the policeman. His face was so blank, so emotionless. I narrowed my eyes in annoyance. Without even thinking about it, I shot up off the seat. I practically sprinted out of the room, not caring about what Miss Chedder said next and ran down the lonely, empty school hallway.
I could hear her calling after me, but I simply ignored her, along with everything else around me. I ran down the cold, hard flight of stairs at the end of the hallway, before slamming the bathroom door open. I needed to get away; I didn't understand what was going on. I needed to think.
The second I was in the room, I clenched my fist and swung it at the dirty wall. I felt as though I would burst into tears any moment and would never be able to stop. The next thing I knew, I’d collapsed onto the freezing, damp bathroom floor.
It felt as though I'd been sitting there, staring into space, for hours when I heard Miss Cheddar was knocking on the door. She seemed so calm and relaxed. It was so different from the heart that painfully beat inside me. As she called my name, I shut my eyes. My knuckles were aching, but I didn’t care. My entire body was shaking, I couldn’t even think.
“Maxxie,” Miss Cheddar’s voice was uncomfortably kind. “Just come out, darling.”
I could hardly breathe, let alone move. She kept on calling, begging me to come out of the bathroom, but I didn’t want to; I wanted to be alone. I'd had enough of people shouting my name.
A few long minutes later, the policeman had even began to speak. If they were that bothered, why didn’t they just come inside? My question was shortly answered.
“Come on now,” The policeman said. “We don’t want to have to come in. We don’t need to make a fuss out of this.”
Make a fuss? Was he bloody joking? My life had just been turned upsidedown and all he cared about was not making a fuss? My dad was right. The police were just a load of selfish, careless idiots.
Ignoring the two adults on the other side of the badly painted door, I felt something lightly brush my face. I quickly turned my head. She was sitting beside me. Her face as pale as snow and her two chocolate brown eyes peering at me nervously.
“Just go outside, please,” Annabel whispered. “It’s going to be all right.”
Like I did with Miss Cheddar and the policeman, I simply ignored her.
“Maxxie?” She brushed my face once more with her small, delicate hand.
It was meant to be comforting but all it did was make me feel even worse than before. Seeing her made it all seem real.
Another few more minutes passed and there were now three voices calling my name. I couldn’t take it anymore; why wouldn’t they just leave me alone?
“Come on, we understand,” Miss Cheddar called.
They didn’t understand. They didn’t understand one bit. No one understood, not even Annabel. I lifted my head out of my hands as a small tear ran down my cheek.
“Just leave me alone...” I muttered under my breath. “Leave me alone.”
Suddenly, an endless amount of tears flooded out of my dark green eyes and continued rolling down my cheeks. All I could think about was my parents. How I would never see them again. Never smell my mum’s sweet scented perfume, never see her warm, comforting smile again. I’d never go to another stupid football game with my dad, or take the mick out of his ever growing beer belly. All of those were now just memories. Memories that I had taken for granted. Memories I’d never be able to relive again, no matter how much I wanted to. No matter how much I wished I could.
All of the sudden, I heard the door open. The next thing I knew, Miss Cheddar was kneeling down beside me and Annabel had vanished once more. Wrapping her twig like arms around me, Miss Cheddar spoke.
“It’s okay darling,” she whispered in my ear, trying and failing to soothe me.
That was the biggest lie I’d ever been told. It wasn’t okay; she and I both knew that. I had nothing. My parents were dead, and it was all my fault.

Thanks in advance for any reviews,
xoxo Skins

Skiiiins! Hiylo! I'm here to review as requested.

Fundamentally/structurally, I found a few mistakes. Nothing big or out of the ordinary, but I thought I'd point them out anyways.

I couldn’t speak, I didn’t want to speak.

Again, the comma thing. Both of the ideas on either side of it are separate, even if they are similar to each other. If you didn't want to use a full-stop, you could use a semi-colon (;) here instead, since the ideas are so alike. Just watch that in the future.

Make a fuss? Was he bloody joking?!

In my opinion, using both the exclamation and question mark at the end of a sentence is strange. You really only need one of them, because either way you get your point across. If you use both at once, it's like doing this:

Was he bloody joking???

See what I mean? It just doesn't work, and never occurs in published fiction.

Other than those things, though...It was well written overall, but I feel it would have been better if you omitted this part completely. My suggestion would be to fast-forward to the funeral, wake, etc., and then give the details about their deaths. That way the reader would be twice as shocked and sympathetic for Maxxie.

All done! Tell me when you post more of this, pretty please! I can't wait to find out what happens next.

-Knightley

Hey Skins! I'm back to review part two of the latest chapter.

Things I Like/Things You Did Well On:

-I like how you don't state exactly what happened until the end of this chapter.
-Good ending.
-I like how you described some memories that the kid had with his parents, and how he could never re-live them again.
-Overall, this was well written.

Things I Didn't Like/Things You Didn't Do Well On:

-I wish you could describe more about how he was feeling in the beginning. Or was he so mad, in so much shock, or the situation overwhelmed him so much that his mind was blank? (If you know what I mean.) So, I wish you could have described his feelings more/in more detail.

Nitpicks:

Skins wrote:It felt as though I was going to throw up, as though my heart would come spilling out of my chest any moment.

Should be 'at any moment'.

Skins wrote:I wanted to shut down, drown every single feeling, every single sound out and just ignore the world around me.

I would say 'shut down, drown out'.

Overall:

It wasn't my fav. chapter since I felt it was lacking some description (which probably is because this is a bit rushed), but overall you did a nice job once again.

Hope I helped. Keep on writing-

KD

Hey there again, Skins! Glad I could get to this second part. As I mentioned in the first part, you have a great writing style going here. Excellent pacing, subtle but strong character development. This is really coming along. This part seems to be lighter on the adverbs as well, so I'm just going to go through this and point out some things that I think you can specifically work on. Intense emotional reactions are hard to write and deserve special attention, especially when they are so early on in a piece. So, I'm just going to dive right in, okay?

It felt as though I was going to throw up, as though my heart would come spilling out of my chest at any moment. None of it seemed real, my mind was completely blank. I couldn’t speak; I didn’t want to speak. I knew what was coming if did. I knew that Miss Cheddar would confirm what I ‘d already figured out.

Hmmm, isn't that first sentence virtually the first sentence of the first part? This comes to my attention especially because this is split into two parts, obviously, but you may want to word it differently. This first paragraph bothered me--and I'm still having a hard time pinpointing why. I think it's because the first two sentences are body language and everything after that is the narrator telling us what he's thinking. I think weaving the body language and the telling together more closely will make this stronger. Try crafting it like a natural thought process--the narrator feeling something and thinking something at virtually the same time rather than transitioning from straight-up body language to straight-up telling. Make sense?

Looking anywhere but Miss Cheddar’s sympathetic eyes, I began slowly rubbing my arm. This wasn’t happening. This couldn’t be happening. I glanced up at the policeman. His face was so blank, so emotionless. I narrowed my eyes in annoyance. Without even thinking about it, I shot up off the seat. I practically sprinted out of the room, not caring who saw and ran down the lonely, empty school hallway.

Excellent. I like the feeling of shock the reader gets from seeing the narrator's numb, somewhat strange reaction.

I could hear Miss Cheddar calling after me, but I simply ignored her, along with everything else around me. I ran down the cold, hard flight of stairs at the end of the hallway, before slamming the bathroom door open. The second I was in the room, I clenched my fist and swung it at the dirty wall. The next thing I knew, I’d collapsed onto the freezing, damp bathroom floor.

I think some more character would be nice here. It seems to focus on action a lot. It's not bad, but the reader would connect more intimately with the character if there was more.

Miss Cheddar was knocking on the door. She seemed so calm, so relaxed. So different to the heart that painfully beat inside me. As she called my name, I dove my head in my hands. My knuckles were slowly oozing blood, and my hand was aching madly, but I didn’t care. The pain was worth it. My entire body was shaking and my head was spinning so madly, I couldn’t even think.

Mmmm, Miss Cheddar got there awfully fast. The timing made me stop and think twice. Also, here's where we fall into the trap of melodrama. He dove his head into his hands? His knuckles oozed blood? His head is aching madly? (you use madly twice in this paragraph, by the way. ) It's just over-the-top, to the point that it seems absurd. Try focusing in on the most important details, cut down on the melodrama. Sometimes, less is more when a character is in grief.

“Maxxie,” Miss Cheddar’s voice was unnervingly kind. “Just come out darling.”

Unnervingly = odd adverb

I could hardly breathe, let alone move. She kept on calling, hassling me to come out of the bathroom. But I didn’t want to, I wanted to be alone. I wanted to shut down, drown out every single feeling, every single sound out and just ignore the world around me.

Not sure about the word choice on hassling? Also the last sentence borders on melodramatic again.

Make a fuss? Was he bloody joking? My life had been destroyed and all he cared about was not making a fuss? My dad was right. The police were just a load of selfish, careless idiots.

Is Maxxie really coherent enough to jump to the conclusion that his life is destroyed this soon after his parents' deaths?

Ignoring the two adults on the other side of the badly painted door, I felt something lightly brush my face. I quickly turned my head. She was sitting beside me. Her face as pale as snow and her two chocolate brown eyes peering at me nervously.

Whoaa!!! Is she a hallucination?! If so, MARVELOUS job making it subtle but still possible to catch. If not... well... there's me jumping to conclusions.

It was meant to be comforting but all it did was make me feel even more sick than before.

There's a lot of him feeling sick here--perhaps be more specific?

Your ending isn't bad, but I feel like you border on melodrama when he starts thinking about how no one understands. Just be careful not to take it over the top here. Less is more, and think about how much Maxxie would really be able to comprehend after he's just discovered this--he's likely to be a tad overwhelmed. So, avoid that melodrama! Melodrama isn't as emotionally impacting as well-written grief scenes.

Overall, this is very good! The stuff above borders on rather nitpick-y, but grief scenes are hard to write so I think keeping some of those things in mind while you revise and keep writing will help you a lot. In summary, really watch out for that melodrama. Specific details, reactions and such speak louder than melodramatic musings. Excellent job here--I like your main character very much already. And if Annabel is a hallucination, I am even more interested. Hallucinating characters are always an adventure to work with.

Nice job here! Keep writing! And please PM me if you have any questions!

Hi once again. I loved the pain you made us feel in this chapter and I could really picture this so thumbs up. This, I think, is the best part of your entire story. You are really getting good chapter by chapter.

I felt as though I was having some terrible nightmare where my heart would come spilling out of my chest at any moment. None of it seemed real. My mind was completely blank. I couldn’t speak; I didn’t want to speak. I knew what was coming if did. What do you mean? I knew that Miss Cheddar would confirm what I ‘d already figured out. I didn't understand. First he knows what's coming next and then didn't understand. Why this confusion Skins? Things like this didn't happen in real life. Just in movies, and books, and on the news. Just use 'and' once. Using it two times is making me vomit.
Looking anywhere but Miss Cheddar’s sympathetic eyes, I began slowly rubbing my arm. This wasn’t happening. This couldn’t be happening. I glanced up at the policeman. His face was so blank, so emotionless. I narrowed my eyes in annoyance. Without even thinking about it, I shot up off the seat. I practically sprinted out of the room, not caring who saw me and ran down the lonely, empty school hallway.
I could hear Miss Cheddar calling after me, but I simply ignored her, along with everything else around me. I ran down the cold, hard flight of stairs at the end of the hallway, before slamming the bathroom door open. I needed to get away, I didn't understand what was going on. I needed to think.
The second I was in the room, I clenched my fist and swung it at the dirty wall. I felt as though I would burst into tears any moment,(no need) and would never be able to stop. The next thing I knew, I’d collapsed onto the freezing, damp bathroom floor.
It felt as though I'd been sat(Looking like a disaster) sitting there, staring into space, for hourse when I heard Miss Cheddar was knocking on the door. She seemed so calm, so relaxed. So different to the heart that painfully beat inside me. As she called my name, I shut my eyes. My knuckles were aching, but I didn’t care. The pain was worth it. My entire body was shaking, I couldn’t even think.
“Maxxie,” Miss Cheddar’s voice was uncomfortably kind. “Just come out darling.”
I could hardly breathe, let alone move. She kept on calling, begging me to come out of the bathroom. But I didn’t want to, I wanted to be alone. I wanted to shut down, drown out every single feeling and sound.
A few long minutes later, the policeman had even began to speak. If they were that bothered, why didn’t they just come inside? My question was shortly answered.
“Come on now,” The policeman said. “We don’t want to have to come in. We don’t need to make a fuss out of this.”
Make a fuss? Was he bloody joking? My life had just been turned upside down and all he cared about was not making a fuss? My dad was right. The police were just a load of selfish, careless idiots.
Ignoring the two adults on the other side of the badly painted door (Loved this description), I felt something lightly brush my face. I quickly turned my head. She was sitting beside me. Her face as pale as snow and her two chocolate brown eyes peering at me nervously.
“Just go outside, please.” Annabel whispered. “It’s going to be all right.”
Like I did with Miss Cheddar and the policeman, I simply ignored her.
“Maxxie?” She brushed my face once more with her small, delicate hand.
It was meant to be comforting but all it did was make me feel even worse than before. Seeing her made it all seem real.
Another few more minutes passed and there were now three voices calling my name. I couldn’t take it anymore, why wouldn’t they just leave me alone?
“Come on, we understand.” Miss Cheddar called.
They didn’t understand. They didn’t understand one bit. No one understood, not even Annabel. I lifted my head out of my hands as a small tear ran down my cheek.
“Just leave me alone...” I muttered under my breath. “Leave me alone.”
Suddenly, an endless amount of tears flooded out of my dark green eyes and continued rolling down my cheeks. All I could think about was my parents. How I would never see them again. Never smell my mum’s sweet scented perfume, never see her warm, comforting smile again. I’d never go to another stupid football game with my dad, or take the mick out of his ever growing beer belly. All of those were now just memories. Memories that I had taken for granted. Memories I’d never be able to relive again, no matter how much I wanted to. No matter how much I wished I could.
All of the a sudden, I heard the door open. The next thing I knew, Miss Cheddar was kneeling down beside me and Annabel had vanished once more. Wrapping her twig like arms around me, Miss Cheddar spoke.
“It’s okay darling,” She whispered in my ear, trying and failing to soothe me.
That was the biggest lie I’d ever been told. It wasn’t okay, she and I both knew that. I had nothing. I was nothing. My parents were dead, and it was all my fault.

Dying to read more. Just drop a request again or PM.

Hey there, here on request.

First things first, boring sentence structure. Most of the time we see one statement and then another statement. There were many instances were you missed the chance to combine sentences. Try to do that more often, as seeing the same sentence structure over and over again is unbelievably dull.

I felt as though I was having some terrible nightmare where my heart would come spilling out of my chest at any moment.

I think this is a little run-on-ish.

It felt as though I'd been sitting there, staring into space, for hourse when I heard Miss Cheddar was knocking on the door.

staring into space for hours,

“Come on now,” The policeman said. “We don’t want to have to come in. We don’t need to make a fuss out of this.”

I made this mistake too. The quote ends in a comma, which means the word after the quote is NOT capitalized. Also, try: the policeman said, “we don’t want”

“Maxxie?” She brushed my face once more with her small, delicate hand.

“It’s okay darling,” She whispered in my ear, trying and failing to soothe me.

Same as above. Play around with the punctuation a little and see what you can come up with.

Nitpicks aside, ho boy. This sounds serious. The build up is nice, I like how you saved the face that the character’s parents were dead until the very end. It really enhances the feeling you get when you find it out if you have a bit of build up to it. Also, it can leave the reader guessing, “Why is she acting this way? Is there something wrong?” I think that is good. We do have a few hints here are there, but you wait until the end to say it outright, nice.

Pretty cool story, I’d like to see which direction you are going to go with this.

Hey Skins!

I felt as though I was having some terrible nightmare; where my heart would come spilling out of my chest at any moment. None of it seemed real, my mind was completely blank. I couldn’t speak; I didn’t want to speak. I knew what was coming if did. I knew that Miss Cheddar would confirm what I ‘d already figured out. It couldn't be possible; things like this didn't happen in real life. Just in movies, books, and on the news.

Little bit of a semi-colon splurge here. Watch out for that: it ruins the effect when you have too many.

not caring who saw me and ran down the lonely, empty school hallway.

If it was empty, who would see them anyway?


When you're describing things you tend to use 'so' a lot. For example:

His face was so blank, so emotionless.

She seemed so calm, so relaxed.

Again, watch out for that. Repetition is annoying; try some variation!

I think that you went a tad over the top when it came to the part in the bathroom. You talk about him wanting to shut down, yet you use a lot of words and repeat sentiments over again. It all becomes a little bit too dramatic, and focuses in on the action parts. It would be more effective if you cut down on the description and added in either more character or emotion.

I like the Annabel character. I haven't read the previous instalments, so I don't know if she's appeared before, but I'm assuming she's either not real or he's imagining her? If so, nicely done.

I like your writing style, and there are relatively few nitpicks to point out here. What I will say is I think you err a little too far on the dramatic side of description. I know scenes like this can be hard to write, but sometimes less is more!

Anyway, nice job!

~Amy

Hello,
Im glad to review this, but I am sorry to say it might not be as helpful as the first one because you have some pretty awesome reviews already, and they have pretty said what I wanted to say . But I do want to compliment you on the ending I really like the cliff hanger.

Sorry it was so short, have a good day,
Tiffany

Skins wrote:I felt as though I was having some terrible nightmare(;) where my heart would come spilling out of my chest at any moment.

Semi-colon misuse resulting in a fragment on the right-hand side. Just erase it altogether; no need for a comma or anything.

Skins wrote:It couldn't be possible(,) things like this didn't happen in real life.

Comma splice. Use a semi-colon here.

Skins wrote:Just in movies, books, and on the news.

Although creative writing does follow different rules, even so, this fragment seems a bit weird. I suggest making it an entire sentence or somehow fix the sentence before it to make this sound more fluent.

Skins wrote:I needed to get away(,) I didn't understand what was going on.

Comma splice again. Make this a semi-colon or a period.

Skins wrote:It felt as though I'd been sitting there, staring into space, for hourse when I heard Miss Cheddar was knocking on the door.

"Hourse" = "Hours"

Just a slight error there.

Skins wrote:She seemed so calm and relaxed. So different to the heart that painfully beat inside me.

The bolded sentence is weird; not only can you not start a sentence with "so" (there are special circumstances; this isn't one of them), but I think that "to" in the phrase is meant to be a "from"? This is a comparison, I assume, so "from" would be better.

Actually, that reminds me of literal French translations. "Elle avait l'air si calme, si relaxée. Si différente au coeur qui battait douleureusement à l'intérieur de moi."

^ xD

Skins wrote:“Just come out, darling.”

Omitted comma is in red.

Skins wrote:She kept on calling, begging me to come out of the bathroom(.) But I didn’t want to, I wanted to be alone.

That period needs to become a comma, and the "B" in "But" needs to become lower-case.

Skins wrote:My life had just been turned upside down and all he cared about was not making a fuss?

"Upside down" is actually one word. "Upsidedown".

Skins wrote:“Just go outside, please(.)” Annabel whispered. “It’s going to be all right.”

That period needs to be a comma.

Skins wrote:I couldn’t take it anymore(,) why wouldn’t they just leave me alone?

Comma splice; use a semi-colon here.

Skins wrote:“Come on, we understand(.)” Miss Cheddar called.

Another instance of a period trying to be a comma.

Skins wrote:Wrapping her twig like arms around me, Miss Cheddar spoke.

^ There's no mistake here; however, this is the correct way to use the tense "spoke". Bravo.

Skins wrote:“It’s okay darling,” She whispered in my ear, trying and failing to soothe me.

That "S" in "She" needs to be lower-case.

Skins wrote:It wasn’t okay(,) she and I both knew that.

The comma in parenthesis should be a semi-colon or a dash. I prefer the semi-colon.

Overview

Comma splices return, but it's all right. I really enjoyed this chapter; you describe things in such a way that it all comes together nicely at the end. It's an interesting story so far and I can't wait to read more of it.

This is sort of a big jump from chapter two. Did I miss something?

I think you might have missed the first part of chapter two ninja

Hey Skins!

I want to apologize right now if I start making no sense at all! I'm way past my bed time lol. Ok, well, there's one thing that struck me; when girls cry and are hurt, they hide somewhere they can be found and comforted. For my part, anyway. But boys are different, they run from trouble, run from pain and emotions. They hit objects, kick them, make something hurt as much as they do. I know my brother does, and so does my fiancé. So, Maxxie, he should have run, not just hide in plain sight, you know?

Also, I have cop friends and I don't know one who would remain stoic and emotionless while delivering news to a boy that his parents are dead. Maybe you could write that what proved to be Maxxie's undoing was the sympathy/care/concern or something in the cop's eyes. Maybe he would not respond emotionally to his annoying headmistress, but to the man standing before him. You know?

Anyway, I think you might actually be able to cut the second part and as Knight said just head to the funeral or something. Just my opinion.

Great chapter!
Tanya

Review 2.2

In all honesty I liked chapter two without the second part. This part seems much, much better written than the last two.

That was right up until "Gritting my teeth, I dragged myself back towards my desk," where you fell into the habits I previously mentioned.

You should rush your writing more often XD Writing in sprints (just type as much as you can in a set time of 15/20 minutes) works really well if you're prone to self-sabotage. Then it's just a matter of reading over and fixing the little things. Of course, the best way to write at the end of the day is however you find most enjoyable.

Once you get to that paragraph, the cliches and the commas crawl back in. Most of it is quite over-dramatic. You should think of things that would be specific to your character. He sees ghosts, so not seeing them again isn't really an issue, right? Or would that be a fear? Since he accepts the blame for things he hasn't done, would he at all feel responsible for his parents death? Whatever you choose is up to you, but grief is always a good chance to bring out some deeper parts of your characters personality and nature.