White Minds (R)

These are the first few sentences of my novel - possibly a prologue.
It's going to be pretty taboo.

“I'm seeing things that aren't there.”
“I'm having murderous feelings.”
“I can't control my anger.”
“There's a fire. Always a fire.”
“I can't help it. I want to have sex with you, mum.”
“Stop it, get out of my head!”
“I killed him. I killed my best friend.”
“Stop it!”
“I said that I supported child molestation.”
“I didn't mean it.”
“Get out!”
“This is mad!”
“Stop it!”
“I'll kill you!”
“Out!”
“I don't like it!”
“Out!”
“It's killing me!”
“Stop it!”
“Stop!”

What do you think - it's experimental - the whole novel possibly won't be like this.

If I saw this beginning, I would put it down and not want to read it. It's simply too confusing and doesn't have enough conflict in it. It's like, you use shock words and phrases to achieve some sort of effect, but there's really no purpose to it, if that makes sense.

Try another beginning... this doesn't quite work.

That's cool :]

I've tried loads of different beginnings and none of them really set the scene for what I wanted.

I want something dark, yet sets the style of the universe my novel has.

I don't know, I suppose i'm in the dilemma of getting a bit ahead of myself - writing stuff the audience won't understand - but I do because I know the rest of it

I like it. It's like really cool. You don't normally see things like this. I think you should keep it but add more description. Like explain a little in the beigining then do that. I think it could work=].

Well, hope you keep writing.

-Jessie.

Honestly, my first impression is that it annoys me. Maybe if I saw how it worked with how the rest of the story would look I can judge it better, but right now yeah, it's just a bit long. If it was shorter it might annoy me less.

I don't know if it really gets my attention or not, because odds are, if this DOES catch my attention, I may lose it while reading what the actual story is, especially if it's vastly different from the beginning.

I want something dark, yet sets the style of the universe my novel has.

What sort of style does your universe have?

My first instinct was to link you to a talking heads article in the knowledge base ^^ but then I saw that it's the same person, just different thoughts. It's still confusing though. Add description between the thoughts. Maybe put them in italics and/or single quotes ( ' not " ) to show that they arethoughts, not someone actually talking. Unless someone really is talking. Then it's fine as is.

It hurt my eyes, the way it was done. I read the first few lines of thoughts/dialogue, then scrolled down to the bottom, looking for some solid text to explain what was going on. Only after I saw that there wasn't any solid blocks (and that it wasn't really that long at all) did I read it through. This really needs some solid blocks of description early on, or it's not a good beginning. Maybe have two, three at the most lines of thoughts, then launch into a paragraph about what's going on in this character's mind, what it's like, etc. Then a couple more lines, then more paragraph(s). And that brings me to the second point.

The lines of thoughts do eventually lead the reader to see something of what the situation is, but it takes too long, and it too rocky a ride to get there. Maybe instead of having the thoughts direct, as they are now, have them be indirect. Open it with a brief paragraph, what's going one with this character's mind, how s/he is reacting/dealing with it. Maybe first person would work best there. Then have the thoughts, but have them in the middle of the paragraph, some how distinguishing them from the rest of the text. I'd use italics, but that's me. Make use of description (have I said that enough yet? XD) because as it is, there's absolutely none of it, which is bad.

You can roll with what you have, but this right here would need to be treated as a very vague skeleton. You'd need to re-work it and add a lot more to it for it to be a solid hook, even if it is a prologue. Maybe make it a scene that occurs later in the book. I think that's what you're doing here, writing something that happens later, maybe even after the book is ended, and if so, great! You just need to add to it. You said the whole book won't be like this, which is good. Write the prologue like you will/would write the rest of the book, and it'll be solid. As is... it's not good for minds.

Thanks for the feedback :]
And i'm glad you like it, Jessie :]

Do you think it can still "grab your attention" without references to child molestation and stuff - it's actually got nothing to do with the story - i just 'plonked' it in so you grasp the idea that they're doing things out of their control.
So yeah, i will probably get rid of it.

Thanks again :]

Right, also, do you think just writing plain descriptive text and stuff will catch the attention as well?

I want to do something different, that's all, really.

And also, can you send me that link to the talking heads thing?
It would be interesting to read, anyhow.

It's pretty random. But who knows, some times random ideas become the best stories.

I reckon this has potential, as some of the short lines shocked me. IN a good way of course
I reckon you should string all these lines together into a full piece, if i was to attempt this a short example would be:
"Why?" I ask the wide eyed monster staring back at me from beyond the mirror. Why? I think. Why do I have these thoughts? These murderous, sick thoughts of feeling the cold steel of the kitchen knife plunging into some human being? Possibly an innocent cunt walking down my street.
My mother calls to me from the living room "Are you alright in there Rhys?"
I open my mouth to reply and an image of me fucking my own mother pops casually into my head as i reply.
Yeh try and string it together like that, makes it a more fulfilling read.

Hi, Miss Summer Night at your service.
I really liked this, espically the part about fucking his mom, that really made me laugh. I do, however, have one question. Is this one person speaking? If so then I understand, if not, I'm hella confused. Well, thats all. I really liked this. Message me if there is more. Thanks, bye!

I'm glad people kind of like it now.
I definitely appreciate your help rlw, I can understand how much better that makes it.

And as for your question LoveLess, you may have to wait and see

I absolutely hated this. I'm sorry, the dialog is absolutely terrible. Plus, I think the whole child molestation thing is completely inappropriate, no matter what age you are. I also didn't understand who was talking ever. There is no story here. I'm sorry, but I would never read this. The first three lines have potential to be a poem, but the rest goes downhill. I'm sorry that this is very harsh, but I have never disliked anything so much before. Maybe write an actually story instead of the first dialog that comes to your head.

Well ... er ... thanks for the help then, fading-dream :/
A great review.

I clearly stated that the whole story would not be like that, and so I hope you weren't under any impression otherwise. It is going to be an "actual story" - it is the first half-page - don't have such a negative view. I accept people won't like it, but to blatantly slate my skills and my confidence without any real creative criticism is unfair.

And as for the inappropiate nature, well that shouldn't be a problem - i said it was taboo, and only should be read by "open-minded, mature readers". Many other stories have been considered inappropiate and done well.

I apologise if I seem too defensive, but I just don't like so forceful reviews which don't actually help further improve my writing.