James let a small bout of silence pass before speaking again.
"Thank you for telling me," he said softly. "I know it wasn't easy."
He paused, and took in a deep breath.
"And just so you know, I still mean what I said before. You're not a burden. And if something were to happen, and you were struggling, I would still stay."
He wasn't eleven years old anymore. Running away from things because he was overwhelmed. He didn't want to run away when things got hard ever again.
Evaline didn't know how to process this. Not in this state.
But she knew enough to know how to appreciate it, even if a little.
"Thank you," she said back.
She swallowed, knowing that there was still doubt in her mind. Doubt that he would listen to her if she asked him to leave, because she couldn't handle it. Would that make her the person who stayed, or the person who left?
It wasn't that she was too much to handle, but that was true, too. It was because she was convincing.
"What if I..." she began, then hit a wall with her words. Exhaustion was creeping up to her, fast.
"What if I had asked you to leave? In that state?" she asked.
James found himself grateful that she'd told him this beforehand. So that now he could know. He would know she wasn't in her right mind - and no one deserved to be abandoned in that kind of state, especially if they asked for it.
"You would be surprised how stubborn I am when I want to be," James said softly.
Relief washed over Evaline, but she was still wary. James leaving her had always been at the back of her mind, and so was her leaving him. He still insisted that he would stay, but it still made her wary. She was scared of what may happen if this happened all over again, and if neither of them left the other, she was scared that, one day, she'd have to let James ago, and she wouldn't know how.
"I'm sorry," she said in response, barely audible, but only saying those two words out of the entire thought process.
He wished there was something else he could say to reassure her, but it seemed like she just kept doubting him. This, unfortunately, might only be something he'd be able to prove in practice, and he was already beginning to harden his resolve to stay true to his word. Silently, he vowed in his heart not to break her trust. He would do what he said, even if it was costly.
She was all he had anymore. Her and Elliot.
"It's alright," he said again. "If it comes to it, it might not be easy, but I won't give up on you, Evaline."
A little cynical part of her didn't, but she believed him.
A strange feeling washed over her chest, and she felt her heart tense, just a little. She vowed to protect him no matter the consequences, but hearing him say those words made her feel more secure.
He would sit through the consequences with her.
Slowly, she turned around, finally ready to face him. She looked over with tired but grateful eyes.
"Thank you," she said softly, not meeting his gaze right away. "That means more to me that you can understand."
Evaline tried to return the smile, but it taking too much energy. She was so exhausted, but now, she wasn't sure if she wanted to quit this conversation and sleep. Even through her hazy, foggy mind, she had a feeling that James was wanting to tell her something more, but she didn't know what else he had to say. She wasn't even completely sure if she wanted to hear it. She didn't know what to think or feel anymore.
"I guess so," she said in a faraway voice, tearing her eyes away and looking back at the ground. She then dragged herself towards the wall, just a few feet away, so she could lean back on it for now.
Maybe sleep will naturally follow, even if she didn't lay down quite yet.
Evaline only gave a slow glance over at James. She wanted to laugh, react, say something—but instead she let her head fall slowly on his shoulder, light at first, but then heavier as she decided to not fight it.
She didn't want to fight her emotions, her thoughts, her exhaustion, or James.
She could feel her eyelids getting heavier, and although she wasn't sure if James only wanted to be a temporary pillow while she was awake, she didn't care to find out.
It helped, being physically close to someone.
It had always been the easiest, most attainable shred of happiness she was able to feel.
Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses. — Ann Landers
