The Fateful Heart 2

James almost wanted to laugh at this point, with how sloppily Evaline was forming together her sentences, but instead, he just grinned to himself and worked on the other braid carefully.

That said, he couldn't really tell what Evaline was getting at. It was almost like she was saying if he couldn't handle the dreams, he couldn't handle something else.

Maybe she was right, but in all fairness, this was all very new to him. And dreaming about dying, or the people you cared about dying - well it was all very disturbing. Especially with how vivid it was.

"I know you said you don't fully know how Oliver's powers work," he said. "But if whatever I'm experiencing is similar to him... are there other things I should potentially prepare myself for?"

Evaline was glad they—or just her really, really—were no longer talking about the awful topic of marriage and children, but this subject made her grimace. The thought of James actually having a copy-cat version of Oliver's powers made her skin crawl. It was bad enough that he could somehow dream these things, but if this were just the surface, she wasn't sure what she would do. What he should do.

There wasn't a reason for her to hide back information, though. This was a fair question. James deserved to know the answer. Neither of them knew what will happen, so at least he could be prepared if something were to happen.

"What you're experiencing now is similar to what he could do," she said. "But he doesn't dream about it. It just kind of... comes to him, I think. Like an intrusive daydream, the moment it happens."

She sighed. She had barely explained her own powers, but she supposed now was as good as a time as any to explain Oliver's power.

"Time powers are the least understood, but time is relative. Relative to the person. Each time I undo something, it's like I'm jumping from the existing timeline to a brand new one I'm making up that everyone else is forced to enter as well. By doing that, I sever my connection to the past timeline, and the world moves forward. But for Oliver, each timeline is like a book with no ending, and he's able to store all these timelines in his head. But not just mine. Everyone with time powers that he personally knows. I know he can go back himself, too, but I don't know much of the details of that."

She sighed.

"I don't know what this means for you, but I know he can still envision these timelines, and because they're undone, they're usually not great. So, for you, I don't know, maybe you'd be able to dream past what happens after I... got shot. Or maybe you'd eventually not have to dream it at all. I don't know. I don't know if you can go back, like me, either. There's so much I don't know. None of this makes sense to me, and you didn't ask for me to be here in the first place, for all of this to happen, for any of this to happen, this burden, and this potential shift in your own timeline, if it's not meant to be. I don't know."

James nodded slowly as he worked down the side of her head, then started braiding down her back. There was a lot to take it. A lot he still didn't fully understand, but he was trying to. If he did have powers similar to Oliver, then he might start "dreaming" while awake. It sounded like even Evaline wasn't quite sure how that functioned.

He was tying off the braid as she kept rambling on.

He finished the bow long before she finished speaking.

He took in a deep breath and put his hand on her shoulder - to tell her he was done, and that she could turn around if she wanted. But he wanted to see her face to face for his response.

"Evaline," he said quietly. "You are not a burden, and even if you were, you are one I would happily bear. Neither of us asked for any of this, but I am glad you are here, and I would never wish you home unless you willed it. It's okay that there are things we don't know. We'll figure it out together."

You are not a burden.

Those words rang in her head above everything else. It felt like a dropped brick from the top of a building, and the following words felt like feathers following down slowly. They were nice, and they were soothing, but Evaline kept hearing those five words and asking herself if this were really true.

She felt uncomfortable, unexplainable emotions bubble to the surface, and she was reminded of why she'd rather conceal—why she was taught to conceal.

James was having dreams, not just of memories, but of what happened after those memories. She didn't want to share, but she knew she should. Not just because he deserved to know in case his unexplainable magic were to escalate, but also because he deserved to know this side of her.

Would he still think she wasn't a burden? Would he still want her around?

She paused for a second, then twisted her body to face him, trying to give him an appreciative smile. Maybe normally she would shut down and take his words and move on, but things were different now.

"There's something you should know," she said solemnly, her smile fading as she turned away again, but angled herself so she could see him out of the corner of her eyes.

"Something that will burden you, eventually I'm sure, especially if I'm by your side. I just—I don't know. I, to be honest I'm... terrified of... that. And I avoid it, now, when I can, but I know—I will—and I want—to do it anyways, even if I don't want to, because it's in your—and mine—our best interest."

It was hard to put her thoughts into words. She hadn't ever expressed this worry in this way to anyone before. It was just... kind of... common knowledge. An assumption.

She dared to steal a glance at James to gauge his reaction.

"But I think you should know, and I want you to know it's okay if I do become a burden you can't handle anymore."

James was leaning forward, his eyes fixed on Evaline's face. Attentive. Listening. His brows angled up and drawn together in focused concern as he did his best to prepare himself to support her, no matter what it was.

It was rare for her to open up like this and he wanted her to know he cared.

"With all due respect," he said softly. "You don't get to decide that for me. I don't know what you're worried about, but whatever it is, you can tell me. But know that regardless, I'm determined to stick around. Even when it's hard."

Usually, words like that would make her feel defensive, and she'd treat the words like an attack. But instead, Evaline let James's words soak through her skin like water from a warm bath, sending chills down her spine.

She hadn't said anything yet, but his words already meant so much to her. More than he could understand.

"I have a tendency to push others away," she said, looking down at her balled-up hands resting on her knees. "There's a reason for that, and I wish I could just... not. But it's not that simple. If you could know the things I know, what I've seen, what I'll see, then maybe you'd understand. But it's not controllable, sometimes, because... it's a limit. Everyone has their own limits, but mine is so unpredictable, and there are ways to cope, and to prevent, but I don't like either, and it hasn't been a problem, but I'm sure it will be, and I don't know what would happen to me. To you. To us."

She sighed and brought her hand to her face to bury it in frustration. She had said a whole lot of words without really saying anything.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I don't know why this is so hard for me to say... But, no, I do know, and it's not because... it's not because it's difficult to talk about, or because I'm exhausted, but I'm sure they're part of it, but the main reason... The main reason is..."

She took a deep breath.

"The last time I opened up and talked about personal things, about how I felt about something... I..."

She had spilled words before so easily just before, so why was this so hard now? Why couldn't she just say the thought that had been locked, tucked away, stored somewhere deep inside of her? The answer was in the confession itself, and it was so hard. So hard to relive this again.

She was so, so scared.

She couldn't say it. It was easier to just backtrack.

She had to focus, even through her throbbing head and exhausted body. Deep breath in, deep breath out.

James stayed still, holding on to every word, but when he saw her hide her face away, his head tilted to the side.

He reached out and put his hand over the one she held in a fist in her lap.

"It's okay," he whispered. "Take your time."

The touch grounded her, pulling her up to breathe when she was drowning in her thoughts. She wondered if this was how James felt when she did she same to him.

Evaline had to pause to recollect her thoughts, trying to reframe the idea in her head to be coherent sentences. She dropped her hand that was covering her face and she gazed blankly ahead, not sure if she wanted to peer over at James who she could feel was watching her. She thought about loosening her hand to interlace it with his, but she wasn't even sure she wanted to do that.

"You can't make something out of nothing," she started slowly, steadily. "All powers have limitations. Healing powers, for example—that's just cellular regeneration, and the cells have to come from somewhere. A fire power is simply energy conversion, like kinetic to thermal energy that causes heat."

The mini science lesson wasn't really needed, but she found herself adding more and more detail until she realized she was just saying all this because she wanted to delay what she really wanted to say.

Evaline took another deep breath. "My powers are no different. But time is still... so misunderstood. The Earth is, after all, billions of years old, and our lives are so small compared to the vastness of the universe. How can mankind ever truly understand time? ... How can I ever truly understand time? My concept of time is different than yours because I can undo and restart. It's not just a simple one-way street. I can go backwards and jump from one street to the next, so to speak. How do you explain that? How can anyone fully understand that concept, except for the one person who experiences it themselves? That I only experience myself?

You don't. No one can understand, except for the person who goes through this non-linear time jump themselves, and that's exactly the limit. It's all in my head, and it just... It's fine, once or twice, maybe three times in a row, but after that, I don't know what's real anymore. I know, and I know it's just in my head, but it feels so real."

She wasn't sure if she was making sense. Was she? She nervously looked up at James, not knowing if she should go deeper. If she wanted to go deeper.

James was listening. Slowly, taking it all in. As she said, he knew he would never fully understand her experience in an experiential way, but her last few words struck a chord. He knew what she was saying.

Jumping through time too many times would affect her mind and her perception of reality. And in a way, that made sense. Living through alternate experiences alone seemed like enough to weigh upon your mind when you were the only one who lived them after they were undone. But it sounded like the natural consequences of undoing traumatic experiences wasn't where it all ended. It sounded like there was more.

Like she saw things, maybe. Or experienced things, but none of it was real. Almost like the side effects of a heavy drug. He wasn't sure, yet.

When she looked up at him, he met her eyes for a moment, just to let her know he was still present. Then he looked down and squeezed her hand.

He didn't want to interrupt her right now. He just wanted to hear what she had to say.

Evaline decided to just do it. Just turn her hand over so she could she hold his. She didn't want to ask, she just did it, interlacing her fingers with his.

It wasn't just because of a preference. Did James know that physical intimacy was one of her ways to cope? To cope from...

She just had to tell him. Let it out. Even if it was scary. This was James. This wasn't the same people from before—her parents, the psychologist—this was James, who was holding her hand and patiently listening to her, who assured her that he wasn't going to leave her side, even if she became a burden.

She had to start from the beginning. Just let it all out. No pauses. No walls. Just rip the thoughts out that were sewed on to her skin, and she'll deal with the bloody aftermath later.

Evaline took another deep breath, blankly down staring at their locked hands.

"The first time it happened, I wasn't prepared," she said in a low voice. "I was seventeen, in my hometown. I didn't want something to happen. I thought I could change it, but I couldn't. I couldn't change it. I don't know why. I still don't know why, although I have my own theories, but point is, it happened. I went back in time. Again. And again. And again... And again... And again."

The chained-up memory sleepily woke up, but it was hazy. It was something she hadn't thought about in a long time, because there was no reason to. It was so, so hazy. A big blur.

"I don't know how many times, exactly, I repeated those same ten minutes, over and over again," she said, going quieter, and pausing to think if she could remember the number.

"I lost count after a hundred."

Of all things she remembered, she remembered that.

James let her hold his hand how she wanted, and he tried to place himself in her shoes. Something had happened that was so traumatic that she couldn't cope with the loss, and no matter how many times she went back, she couldn't change it.

If it only took three times in a row of using her power for her to start feeling the mental effects, he couldn't even imagine how it must've felt after over 100 times...

He felt his heart start to ache. He didn't want to force her to tell him what it was. She had only been seventeen.

He held her hand just a little tighter.

Evaline had to keep going before she lost the courage.

"I hadn't ever repeated going back more that twice in a row, so that event... I'm sure it did affect me, or so I'm told. Because, to be honest, I don't remember it. I don't remember any of what happened. I don't remember the aftermath, or how I felt, or the memories. But it goes deeper than that. It was like he just... disappeared. He just disappeared in my life, the good and the bad, and all the other times with the others, because I couldn't let go."

It was like she had opened a trap door that was locked away due to the dangers warned inside, but she didn't care, and she ripped away the chains, and she flung the doors open, and everything came out, all at once. One big mess she didn't know how to deal with. One memory she didn't want to remember, but at the same time, couldn't remember.

The emotions coursed through her like a static shock, and it immediately sent tears out of her eyes. She couldn't repress it.

Evaline ripped her hand away from him and turned away from James, not wanting him to see just how much this affected her. Her hands buried her face, and she bit her tongue so hard, she tasted metal. She didn't want to sob. Not like this.

It registered to her how ironic this was, concealing what she was feeling at this point of the story. But she didn't care. She just needed to finish fast, no pauses, before she could feel anything more. She didn't want to slip. She didn't want to think.

She kept on going, leaving no room for James to respond, even if he wanted to.

"Because that was the only way I could have moved on," she said hoarsely, voice shaky as she bit back a sob.

She started to talk fast now, spilling her words and nearly slurring them as she had her back towards James, leaning forward with her hands hiding her wet face in shame.

"I've pointed out your self-pity, but I had self-pity, and I was bedridden for two months. I couldn't get over it. How could anyone? To see your friend die in front of you, over and over and over again, every single time, and no matter what you tried to change, it still happened. But I don't know. I don't remember it. One event ruined everything for me. That was what they thought. My parents. I was supposed to be the next town leader. But I couldn't, not like that, and that was why... That was why they did what they did. That was why I had to talk about everything, about how I felt, my worst and best memories, in promise that it would heal me. But it didn't heal me. It made me worse. I hate who I am, James, I hate it, because I don't know what that means. They took that away from me. And it's so ironic, that I help other people remember, and I help other people re-feel emotions, but I myself can't remember my memories, and I now don't know how to control my emotions without just shutting down. I don't even know how to grieve. Or be happy. I don't feel anything when I see people I don't know suffering. I'm indifferent. I don't feel anything when those same people die in front of me. I don't think I'm capable of forgiveness, or love. And I don't know if this is permanent. But even so, I tell myself it won't happen again, that I won't shut down and go years without feeling anything again, but it might happen. It might happen again. Because that's the only way I can stop the cycle. Because that's the only way I can let go."

Evaline took one heavy breath, but it hitched in her throat, and she let out a small cry from the pent-up bottle of emotions she had let fill inside of her as she talked. But she had to keep bottling it up. She had to.

"Please don't touch me, or talk to me, or do anything," she said quietly through a shaky breath, feeling a stubborn hot tear slide down her cheek and into her hand.

"Please don't make me relive this again. I don't want to go back."

James let what Evaline said slowly fill some gaps in her story. Her friend that she'd lost. Alan. She'd seen him die - but over, and over again. And everything changed for her after that...

He wanted to offer her a hug, but when she asked him not to touch her, he wanted to honor her request.

If she needed time to cry by herself because she was afraid she might accidentally slip back in time - like how she had before, the last time she'd really cried like this - then he was going to let her cry on her own terms. He wasn't going to force his comfort on her. He didn't want her to have to tell him all of this again.

So instead, he just sat with her in silence, with his hands in his lap. Letting her cry. Letting her curl up into herself. Ready to offer whatever she needed if she were to ask.

Yes, he felt helpless. But sometimes, there wasn't anything you could do. If she didn't want him to say anything, he wouldn't. If she didn't want him to touch her, he wouldn't. He would just sit with her. He would stay. Just like he said he would.

Evaline wasn't sure how much time had passed. But there was an ensuing silence between them. Honestly, she wasn't sure if James even moved or reacted at all. He honored her request to not say, or touch, or really do anything, and she was grateful. Grateful that he listened, and understood. But a part of her wished that he ignored her request and did it anyways, because she hated shutting down, and she wanted to feel something, even if she didn't allow herself to.

It was a very long, very tense silence as she stayed there, as still as she could be, taking silent deep breaths in and out, until she was able to close the trapped emotions back inside, rechain everything, and lock it up.

"Okay," she said quietly, breaking the silence. She wearily rubbed her face from the dried tears.

"I'm okay, now," she reiterated again, just as quietly.

She sat up straight but her back was still towards James. She wasn't sure if she was ready to face him yet.

He hadn't moved from where he was.

"Do you want a hug?" James asked quietly.