Hi LizzyTyler! Great job on your NaPo so far! You've got a cool rhyme scheme in your first poem, and honestly just a lot of nice sound devices in general - I especially like "pale pastels", it just has such a satisfying ring to it.
Start from my ankles And work their way up From my knees to my hips
^This is my favourite part; such an uncomfy image, but it's very effective in this poem.
I also think you did a great job of using pacing in your haiku, particularly in that last line - the punctuation adds a lovely rhythm that perfectly matches what it feels like to take a breath. Keep up the good work!
(P.S. I'm not sure if you want comments in your thread, so if not let me know and I can move this to your wall ^^)
When you're faced with something you don't understand, I think the most natural thing but also least interesting thing you can be is afraid.
Hey Lizzy! First NaPo whoop whoop! Good start and good luck! Your first poem has tons of fun sound devices and I can imagine would be really fun to read aloud. Looking forward to reading more of your poetry this April. <3
you should know i am a time traveler & there is no season as achingly temporary as now
Voices circling Twanging and hissing Echoing off one another Into a single, deafening noise
Everybody’s talking big But not much is being said Mindless chatter Bland opinions
No one willing to break the peace No one willing to speak their mind Mindless noise From your mouth and mine No one willing to break the silence No one willing to cause a ruckus No one willing to start and argument At the expense of the silence of noise
Spoiler! :
Thank you both! I appreciate the feedback! Feel free to comment, I forgot to attach a tag
“your highness” is gender neutral
so if you are ever confused about my pronouns
that’l work
alternatively “your majesty”, “my liege”, and “supreme overlord”
One day there will come a darkness One day there will be a fall But until then I’ll laugh and I’ll cry I’ll live a full life And I’ll love and I’ll morn Above all
“your highness” is gender neutral
so if you are ever confused about my pronouns
that’l work
alternatively “your majesty”, “my liege”, and “supreme overlord”
I love that you posted the sung version and I think the emotiveness especially of that last stanza / verse very much comes through in your singing - you've got a great voice and I really enjoyed how you delivered this; it seemed very heart-felt I'd say. Great job so far Lizzy, and good luck in the final NaPo Week! I hope to hear or read more of your work - and you posting your song makes me really want to post a song for NaPo now as well <.< I may have a few in the works.
Thank you again for sharing! All the best!
you should know i am a time traveler & there is no season as achingly temporary as now
TW: themes of death, manslaughter, and suicide. Viewer discretion advised.
Drunken Mistakes
Stop lights Street signs, a dark haze, headlight glaze, And stupid mistakes.
Screeching tires, Yelling of the metal, And a young girls cry, Silenced by the shadows Of a dead drunk driver
A crimson sun Rises O’r the wreckage And one prone child Lies in an eternal sleep Waiting for the dreams to come
Three recked soles Two with broken pain And one with Endless guilt Who will wast his life away At the bottom of a bottle
Till he hangs a rope High above the rafters And he’ll meet her and fall Down upon his knees And he’ll beg her to Forgive his sins Like her parents never could
And she’ll place her hand Down upon his head And she’ll whisper Words that’ll never be forgotten
I Forgive You
“your highness” is gender neutral
so if you are ever confused about my pronouns
that’l work
alternatively “your majesty”, “my liege”, and “supreme overlord”
Happy NaPo Lizzy! WOW your poems were all super, super powerful this year -- great job! I particularly liked Achy-Breaky Bones, especially with your repetition in the first and last stanzas. Your imagery was *chef's kiss* and really made me feel the weight of the "thick wet cold" vibes of snow.
Also, your last poem is really, really good. I got literal shivers from it (and I do definitely appreciate the tw, so thank you for that <3). All-in-all, fantastic work! You absolutely crushed NaPo!!
"u and rina are systematically watering down the grammar of yws" - Atticus "From the fish mother to the fish death god." - lehmanf "A fish stole my identity. I blame shady" - Omni [they/he]
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