break my fingers when i die

napo day 17 'is it?'


i always tried to have my own orbit
but the only thing asteroids do is float
the absent space is my parlor where
water sharp as diamond crystalizes
through the heart of me i'm made of rock
metallic ore and refuse it's why
i'm so heavy

the only way i'll belong on a planet
is if it's orbit will let me and
i may become a ring or something
but i will likely have a crash landing
burn up in the atmosphere into nothing and
add my gaseous makeup to global warming
because if anything i've always been
a fucking natural disaster and before
you start don't doubt me

you can do anything but tell me
that i am clean and stately and perfect
because i'm the text book definition
of insubordination in a house i didn't
know was going to be my bootcamp
and i've ruined everything since
i was five it's the only thing
i have going for me now

so don't tell me i'm not a problem
that i'm not crazy that i'm not strange
i'm not an alien that i'm not a faggot
because those words feel like coming home
without them i'll realize i'm so truly lost
i'm so hopelessly lost in a world without
love

dont give me a fragment of it
i'll realize i've been without
i'll realize i'm starving
if i can starve without the pain
the pain of knowing surely
a painless death is better
but is it

when there's so much beauty
in a painful life

is it better

is it

napo day 25 'i hope i get well'

grandiosity is something stolen something
locked away and to have a presence oh
to be there at all is a sin
i thought i could be someone
i don't remember myself from then
i'm sure he was really a good one
i'm sure he still is when i take time
to pretend he exists

i was unfair to you tying you to a
weighted husk of myself
i wanted something more than emptiness
but this shallow heart is my house
of which i'm forever ungrateful craving
a wholeness a creation to cradle
i know i'm greedy reaching out
though my love isn't enough for myself
i'm unable forever incapable
to nurture a love in good health
i suffer melancholy from a fickle touch
that made me realize loneliness was hell
instead of something soft a withering
waning moon that dispells curses
upon my view of myself

i am deeply in need of healing
i want love to help me get well
the truth is something worth fearing
i need to be present in my being
i need to trust my own step
this shallow heart has to keep beating
there is no room for you here
until i can get well satisfied
with my sense of self

i understand this is hell

do you understand this is hell

please understand this is hell

i don't know how to get well

i don't know how to get well

and love is wasted on this shell
but it's all i crave still

please know i'm in hell
hell

help