I need help Believing....

I need help believing
That you are on my side.
That you are not going to hurt me,
Too many times I’ve cried.

Believing that
In your mind there are no schemes;
You don’t plan to screw me over,
Or kill my hopes and dreams.

You would be by me,
But would inch away.
Until you, I couldn’t see,
And I'd be the one to pay.

My heart has suffered,
Because of this thing.
It can’t last any longer,
It can’t take this sting.

So I tell you,
All of this and more.
You understand and change,
And you don’t walk out the door.

You showed me,
I don’t need to run and hide.
That you care,
I believe that you are on my side.

Pretty good, but a few nitpicks

My heart has suffered,
Because of this thing.
It can’t last any longer,
It can’t take this horrible sting.

The horrible sting....... I think it was a bit too long for that stanza, dontcha think?

But otherwise, Lovin' it!!


~Kat

Good job! I really enjoyed this poem! I think the title is very suiting of the poem! May even make the "i" a lower case will help empathize the "Believing". Their was a lot of emotion and battles through out this poem, which were prefect! My only wish is that the stanzas were more focused. This will create a better sense of a story line and will give the poem a better sense of emotional direction!

I need help believing,
That you are on my side.
That you are not going to hurt me,
Too many times I’ve cried.

This is a great part of the poem! But I find the last line seems a little bit out of place.

BUT, you wrote this beautifully! I love this piece! Keep up the great work!

This was lovely! I think I could relate to it, because I've been having something similar going on with me lately, and this was a nice way to organize thoughts. At first, because of the title, I thought maybe this had to do with God or something, but... I think I like the title. It's very... eye-catching? Kinda catchy in general? I don't know, but I liked it.

I think it had a couple rhythm problems, like a line might be too long or too short and disrupt the flow. Also, maybe there's some lines that don't exactly make sense? For example:

That you don’t plan to screw me over,
Or kill my hopes and dreams.
For my tears have never dried.
That in your mind there are no schemes.

I know this is supposed to carry over from 'I need help believing...," but I think there might be too big of a gap, and it's not as clear. Maybe try to think of a way to work out the flow, and make it a little more lucid.

Again, I liked the idea of it, but I'm thinking some imagery could add a lot to this. It's good right now, but maybe it's a little plain. Put some personal thoughts, some unique words to make this poem really stand out.

I hope I could help, even just a little bit.
This was a great poem,
-Dai

Thanks for the review ill work on it!

Hey Cutie,

SOO. This poem has a good plot, but it needs more meshing out. Parts don't play out like they did in your head to the reader.

I need help believing,
That you are on my side.
That you are not going to hurt me,
Too many times I’ve cried. These are one of the lines you did something weird to make it rhyme. That's what makes a forced rhyme.

That you don’t plan to screw me over, Try 'Believe that'
Or kill my hopes and dreams.
For my tears have never dried. Get rid of the 'For' it confuses the reader. I just think that line doesn't make sense where it is at.
That in your mind there are no schemes.

My heart is longing to let you in,
But I know better.
For in these fights I never win. Again think about dropping the 'For'. ALSO do a , and or semicolon.
Your friends say forget her.

You would be by me, Believe you would be by me?
But you would inch away.
Until you, I couldn’t see, Ah, really forced.
And I would be the one to pay. Pay how?

My heart has suffered,
Because of this thing.
It can’t last any longer,
It can’t take this horrible sting. It can't or I can't?

So I tell you,
All of this and more.
You understand and change,
And you don’t walk out the door. Told you all of this SO you would understand and change?

You showed me,
I don’t need to run and hide.
That you care,
I believe that you are on my side. Until you show me? See parts of these poems I don't understand.

Pm me or post on my wall if you have any questions!

-Boo

Hey!

dragonlover92 wrote:I need help believing,
That you are on my side.
That you are not going to hurt me,
Too many times I’ve cried.Okay so I like the A b c b rhyme scheme here.

That you don’t plan to screw me over,
Or kill my hopes and dreams.
For my tears have never dried.
That in your mind there are no schemes.You've keep it going here, great job.

My heart is longing to let you in,
But I know better.
For in these fights I never win.
Your friends say forget her.So you switched up the rhyme scheme here- A B A B. Why?

You would be by me,
But you would inch away.
Until you, I couldn’t see,
And I would be the one to pay.This isn't very clear. Maybe put this in a different way?

My heart has suffered,
Because of this thing.
It can’t last any longer,
It can’t take this horrible sting.Distinguish "this thing." What is it?

So I tell you,
All of this and more.
You understand and change,
And you don’t walk out the door.Back to the A B C B pattern? You're confusing me here...

You showed me,
I don’t need to run and hide.
That you care,
I believe that you are on my side.Great ending. Nailed it.

I thought this poem was very cute, but also very cliche. Great idea behind it! Though you should keep your rhyme scheme the same through out the piece. Maybe not even rhyme it. If you don't rhyme it, you could get it so much more deep. And if you're going to rhyme it, make it the same through out. Don't change up the pattern.

Great job, will read more!
Love it,
-Brie

I enjoyed this poem. There is lots of emotion in it and a good story too. I like the abcb rhyme scheme in the first two stanzas but then you change it here:

My heart is longing to let you in,
But I know better.
For in these fights I never win.
Your friends say forget her.

Why? It doesn't flow as well with the abab pattern and better and forget her don't rhyme too well. The next stanza, you keep the abab pattern - it rhymes and flows better.
This stanza, horrible makes it a bit too long.

My heart has suffered,
Because of this thing.
It can’t last any longer,
It can’t take this horrible sting.

The last two are perfectly fine.
Overall, good work.

A very pretty poem, I like it a lot. It's absolutely true and I bet A LOT of people can relate to that kind of stinging feeling. The rhythm was over all good, except the last few lines kind of went off beat for my liking. Just a few things...

For my tears have never dried.
That in your mind there are no schemes.

I didn't understand these two lines very well, especially the second one. It's just really unclear to me.
But overall, I really liked it. There were just some punctuation that I saw wrong. Hopefully you'll read it over and fix it. Always keep writing though! I'm looking forward to more!

Some rhymes were too forced, and you missed a punctuation mark occasionally, but nothing serious enough to comorpmise this lovely poem.
It obviously comes from a place of pain- and resolve, which is nice. I liked the one-sided conversation between the narrator- and the boy.
I think this is a great poem, simple, clear, and not Pretentious- which is important, as I hate Pretentious stuff(Pretentious is written in capital letter cause I had no idea how to spell it, so I just copy pasted it from the google translate. )

Anyhow, lovely poem.
good job!
SubjectBlue

Hi! I'm going to get straight into things

Your first stanza is amazing. The rhyme did not feel forced, it flowed really way, and was an amazing hook to the start of the poem.

The second stanza was also really good, except for the last word. Schemes, didn't seem to fit, I think if a rhyme wasn't created here, it wouldn't be so bad. I think it kills the stanza, so if the rhyme faltered it would not be so bad. Just a thought

In Stanza 3 the second line is a little short for the stanza. It needs maybe, one or two more words to bulk it and fill out the meter, as it feels weak. The last two lines seem rushed as well, i think this is the weakest stanza and it needs some work, and rewording to try and recreate the point you're going for.

I liked the fourth stanza and i don't really have a problem with it to be honest

The fifth stanza I feel like you've created a cliche and i don't think it works well, in my honest opinion and would remove this stanza, and start it over as it doesn't work for me. However, this might just be me.

In the sixth stanza I would get rid of the you in the final line as It would aid the flow and meter a lot. and perfect the stanza.

In the seventh I would get rid of the second and third line and just have the two lines by themselves to add emphasis to them and then make them stand out. It then also sums the end up nicely.

Overall, i think it's a really good poem, it just needs a few tweaks to make it even better.

PM me if you need anything

~ReDro

Hello!


Good job!
Reading this Poem has been worth a read.
There are some mistakes here and there....

#1:

I need help believing,
That you are on my side.
ThatAnd you are not going to hurt me,
Too many times I’ve cried.

#2:

You would be by me,
But you would inch away.
Until you, I couldn’t see,
And I would be the one to pay.

I didn't understand this paragraph. What does it mean?
I read it so many times but the lines just don't match each other.

#3:

My heart has suffered,
Because of this thing.-What is that thing?
It can’t last any longer,
It can’t take this sting.

The forth paragraph was perfectly fine
No mistakes.

#5:

You showed me,
that I don’t need to run and hide.
That you care,
I believe that you are on my side.

Nice Poem!
Good Job!
Keep writing and Wall Post me when you've submitted a new poem and I shall be the first one to review it! ;P

Love and Cheers,
Cookie or LM

Hey there!
Your poem had a really good message that pretty much everyone can relate to. Unfortunately, a few confusing line/punctuation things caused me to misunderstand your meaning when I read it the first time.
Here's one of the things that I'm talking about:

I need help believing,
That you are on my side.
That you are not going to hurt me,
Too many times I’ve cried.

I honestly think that the comma after "believing" does not need to be there. If you read it like a normal sentence that comma would not be there. Also, The third line would be connected in a sentence to the first. A comma is fine for that one, but having the period gives me the impression that you're starting a new thought when you really aren't. Also, I think the comma after the third line makes it confusing, since it's almost starting a new idea. If I were to change this, I would put a hyphen, since the thoughts are connected but they're kind of separate. There are a few different options to make this better, but that is just my opinion.
Here's another thing that I wanted to point out to you:

Believing that,
In your mind there are no schemes.
You don’t plan to screw me over,
Or kill my hopes and dreams.

This is pretty much what I was already saying before. The comma after the first line of this stanza isn't necessary, but if you like it there, that's fine. I suggest replacing the period in the second line with a semicolon, since it's still connected to the first "Believing that..."

You would be by me,
But would inch away.
Until you, I couldn’t see,
And I would be the one to pay.

Okay. This stanza differs from the others slightly in rhyme scheme. The majority of the poem you have stanzas divided up into an A-B-C-B rhyme scheme. This one, changes, since as you can see it's an A-B-A-B scheme. Because of that, you worded the third line here in a way that seems awkward. I think having "Until I couldn't see you" would be just fine. Also, there are too many syllables on the fourth line and it's a little choppy. I think having I'd instead of "I would" would make it flow very nicely.
You have a wonderful writing style, and what you say is very good. What you need to work on a bit is your consistency in syllables, ordering of words and punctuation. Other than those (which are pretty minor), the poem was great!
Keep writing!
~Devan

Good job! My favorite part was...
'So I tell you,All of this and more.
You understand and change,And you don’t walk out the door.'

It was very deep Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Alright, so the first thing I noticed about this piece was that it had rather childish undertones. That whole lack of trust. That whole 'this is extremely easy for most young teens to relate'. And as much as it has a very strong, very impassioned story, it doesn't have really any substance whatsoever.

By substance, of course, I mean metaphor and poetic device. Without these two aspects, you're poem would be better off as a piece of prose instead. A short story on how trusting isn't something you can likely do, maybe, or even a rambling journal entry. As a piece of poetry, though, I don't think I could ever truly take this seriously.

Not that it can't be helped! With a little polishing, this could be something rather amazing. For instance, you have a stanza like this;

I need help believing,
That you are on my side.
That you are not going to hurt me,
Too many times I’ve cried.

Right off the bat, we get this image that you're really trying very hard to keep to a rhyming scheme. Is such a scheme even worth it, really? In the long run, you're spending more time trying to make this flow and work than you are on the actual story that you are trying to put forth. It makes your diction weak and your poetic form seem... non-existent. So what I'm going to say is that you should start by taking out rhyme schemes until you're completely comfortable with writing metaphor and using imagery. Until that point, schemes of this general nature will only make it harder for you to do what you're capable of.

And metaphor this needs.

Try writing with a different kind of strength. Instead of simply saying 'I need help', take that voice and turn it on its head. Say something like 'I'm a can of pop with fizz leaking because of a hole and I need someone to plug it. To save me from becoming flat and lifeless'. Of course, you don't have to use something as juvenile as the metaphor I gave, but any metaphor is better than simply stating what you want to get across.

Other than that, I love the passion and the will you give. Everyone who attempts poetry has something within them that makes them want to write it so it should never be stomped out. I just want to see you start improving your abilities and really working on your diction first and foremost. Everything else will come at a later time.

~Walker