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Whispers of the Fallen - Chapter One, Part 1



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Fri Jul 20, 2007 12:39 am
Sureal says...



Chapter One

1.

Music bounced from wall to wall, its volume blaring over all competing sounds. Random, colourful lights shone and twirled in the darkness, whilst in the centre of the room drunk teenagers made a pass at dancing on the polished floor.

Tess Browne was one of the few that had managed to cling to sobriety into the later hours of the party. Sat at one of the many tables surrounding the dance-floor, she tried to recognise the song playing. Apparently it was quite popular: the couples and groups in the centre of the room had cheered when it’d come on, and danced with renewed energy.

She mumbled a few lines she recognised from the chorus, and then shook her head as the title of the song continued to elude her. It wasn’t her type of music anyway; it was the sort of bouncy crap almost all such parties had. But despite her dislike for the genre, Tess knew she had danced to it more times than she cared to count. Alcohol did that sort of thing to people.

A soft voice broke her from her musings, talking in her left ear. ‘You’re being very quiet,’ it said. ‘Is something wrong?’

Smiling, Tess looked up from her drink. Her friend, Sarah, was sat beside her, drink in hand and a look of concern in her large eyes. Perhaps it was the fact that Tess was rarely quiet at parties that had provoked her friend’s concern. Certainly, Tess had noticed herself that she was acting out of character. A sort of lethargy had gripped her, and forced her into quiet submission. ‘I was just thinking,’ she said.

Sarah raised her eyebrows, a confused expression on her face making it clear she hadn’t been able to hear what Tess had said. ‘What?’

Leaning forwards to speak into Sarah’s ear, Tess repeated herself. The music playing - and Tess suspected that the song had now changed, although she wasn’t entirely sure - drowned out most other sounds. Speaking directly into each other’s ears, or else shouting, was really the only way conversation could be held.

‘Thinking?’ Sarah asked. ‘About anything in particular?’

‘Yeah. About whether or not I’ll get drunk enough to dance tonight.’

Sarah’s lips curved into a smile as the worry vanished from her eyes. ‘Knowing you, yes.’

‘That’s what I was afraid of.’ Tess glanced behind herself to look at the dancers, noting as she did so the way in which her sight seemed to lag a fraction of a second. ‘In the morning,’ she said, ‘I always end up cringing at the memory.’

‘Or vomiting.’

‘Or vomiting,’ she agreed, turning away from the dancers again to face her friend. She looked down at her drink. It had been a good month - perhaps longer - since she had last got drunk, and she felt loathe to ignore the opportunity now. And besides, if there was a way to dispel the lethargy that had gripped her, alcohol was that way. With a quick shrug, she downed her entire glass. The liquid rushed into her mouth and down her throat, the strong taste overpowering her.

A feeling of sickness welled up in the back of her throat, but as she put the empty glass down and wiped her mouth, she forced a predatory grin onto her face.

Sarah laughed. ‘Impressive.’

Tess said, ‘What was that drink again?’

‘Double vodka and coke.’

‘Ah,’ she said. ‘I think I’m going to be sick.’ The sense that she was about to vomit was growing and growing, every second, and she realised it was only a matter of time before she really did throw-up.

Sighing, Sarah nodded to a nearby door. ‘That’s the girl’s toilet. Do you think you can hold it that far?’

‘Probably,’ muttered Tess, trying to ignore the unpleasant sensation.

She peered at the empty glass. ‘This is your fault,’ she said to it.

‘Stop talking to inanimate objects,’ Sarah said, ‘and come on.’

Standing up, Tess walked, her friend almost dragging her by the hand towards the toilets. As they crossed the hall, Tess noted with a certain satisfaction the way in which her senses had further dulled. But, she couldn’t help noticing, she was not yet truly drunk.

‘That alcohol’s really kicked in fast on you,’ Sarah said as she pushed open the door.

The toilets seemed bright compared to the dark hall they had just left. The walls were perhaps white a few years ago, but had since become a light beige colour. And the little square mirrors sat above the two washbasins also looked rather grubby, their reflections dulled by aging glass and various greasy marks.

Still, for the most part, it looked clean. A few girls had congregated in there, leaning against the walls and chatting. The music was not quite so loud, which made having a conversation far easier.

But Tess’ main concern, right then, was having a toilet to throw up into. There were four cubicles in the room: two of which had closed doors with the OCCUPIED sign present; one of which had a girl in, leaning over the toilet and vomiting also, whilst two of her friends cheered her on; and the final one empty.

Thankfully, the floor looked clean and the toilet itself was empty. ‘I’m not actually drunk,’ Tess mumbled to Sarah, as she got to her knees and leant over the toilet. ‘I think it was just downing that drink, rather than the actual alco-’ she stopped mid-sentence as the feeling of blockage at the back of her throat suddenly increased. She opened her mouth to curse, and then her stomach muscles convulsed. Her head jerked forwards as a vile, acid tasting liquid burst into her mouth.

The vomit streamed out of her mouth, a viscous fountain of stomach acids and half digested food. It made an almost comical plop noise as it fell into the toilet.

Then she was leant over the toilet, breathing in the stench of the vomit. She opened her mouth to mutter a curse, but before she could, she convulsed and threw up again. I really hate being sick, she thought bitterly to herself, as she spat out the bile.

Breathing heavily, she leant against the toilet, waiting to see if she would throw up a third time. I really hate being sick. It was perhaps the worst downside to alcohol - to think that such a fun activity could have such a negative hiding in the back, in the shadows, waiting to pounce…

When she was younger, stomach bugs and illness had often prompted the much-hated vomiting, now it was partying. But at least she could usually enjoy herself before the vomiting set in, and that was a definite step up. Still, she always dreaded the seemingly inevitable moment.

After a few more moments of peace, she was confident that she was done.

Spitting the last of the bile from her mouth, she flushed the toilet. Groaning, the toilet sucked in the vomit; a twirl of brown and yellow. Tess felt better, and wasn’t too surprised about it. Experience had taught her that, often, it was best to just get it up and out the body. Wiping her lips, she climbed to her feet. The taste of the bile still stained her tongue, but she knew a few drinks would purge it, so wasn’t too concerned.

‘You feeling better?’ Sarah asked.

‘Much.’ Tess grinned, and then spat in the toilet again. ‘Come on, I wanna get wasted.’

‘Yes ma’am.’



(Any and all thoughts - especially the critical kind - on this would be very much appreciated.)


(Part 2.)
(Part 3.)
Last edited by Sureal on Mon Aug 13, 2007 1:25 am, edited 4 times in total.
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Fri Jul 20, 2007 2:59 am
Joeducktape says...



Nice work, Surreal. I'm curious as to when the fantasy aspect will come in to this, though.

Some things that need changing:

Sat at one of the many tables surrounding the dance-floor, she tried to recognise the song playing.


I'm pretty sure that "sat" needs to be either Set or Sitting. You do this again here:

Her friend, Sarah, was sat beside her, drink in hand and a look of concern in her large eyes. Perhaps it was the fact that Tess was rarely quiet at parties that had provoked her friend’s concern.


Also, replace one of the "concerns" with a synonym. It's a bit repetitive.

She opened her mouth to curse, and then her stomach muscles convulsed. Her head jerked forwards as a vile, acid tasting liquid burst into her mouth.

The vomit streamed out of her mouth, a viscous fountain of stomach acids and half digested food. It made an almost comical plop noise as it fell into the toilet.

Then she was leant over the toilet, breathing in the stench of the vomit. She opened her mouth to mutter a curse, but before she could, she convulsed and threw up again. I really hate being sick, she thought bitterly to herself, as she spat out the bile.



Ick. Personally, I think you talked about the act of throwing up too much. It really didn't need the amount of description you gave it, and it sort of threw me off of the story. It's fine that you included it, just trim it down a little.

Good stuff: I didn't catch any major grammar or spelling things.

(Hehe, actually I almost put in something about "leant". Since you never hear it used in America, I thought it was wrong, but Merriam-Webster says otherwise. :) I have to get used to the differences between US and English spelling....)

Hope you post more soon!

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Fri Jul 20, 2007 6:56 am
Jiggity says...



I must admit to some disappointment at what was, ultimately, a flawlessly executed but not very engaging text. I was looking forward to the fantasy element; I think, unlike some, that a protracted mundane setting can actually help off-set the fantasy rather nicely, as that wasn't eveident here (just yet) I was saddened.

Thus, the whole thing feels decidedly lacking. As it is, its nothing really. A short introduction to a certain character and her partying habits, all of which, of course, could have been summarised in a much smaller piece. I definetly think you need to get on with it, is what I'm getting at, and bring the fantasy along quickly mind. It becomes hard to rationale the magical once you bind something so tightly to reality.

Still, technically flawless. Brava.
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Fri Jul 20, 2007 12:38 pm
flytodreams says...



It was well-written, but a little boring. Nothing fantasy happens in this part.
I take it the fantasy element will come in the next part?
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Fri Jul 20, 2007 11:33 pm
Sureal says...



Jiggity and flytodreams: Heh, well, the fantasy aspects start to leak into the story in the next couple of paragraphs. But I chose to cut Chapter 1 - for posting on the net - at this point, because I liked how it ended with, 'Yes ma'am.'

Just as a note: Chapter one will be posted on the site in 2 to 4 'parts', each around 1,000 words in length. I still need to re/write the rest of the chapter, though, before I can post it...

Also, c'mon - this will be a roughly 60,000 word story (... hopefully). Does the first one 60th of it really need to introduce the fantasy elements right away? ;)


Joe: Aye, I agree with you on the sick thingy. I'll cut it down a bit.


All: Thanks for taking the time to read and review this. :) I'll be sure to give you all a crit in return.
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Sun Jul 29, 2007 6:29 pm
Leja says...



Tess Browne was one of the few that had managed to cling to sobriety into the later hours of the party.


The repetition of "to" here annoyed me.

[s]The vomit streamed out of her mouth, a viscous fountain of stomach acids and half digested food.[/s] It made an almost comical plop noise as it fell into the toilet.


I think if you cut the sentence noted above, the vomiting sequence would be a little more managable.

Then she was leant over the toilet, breathing in the stench of the vomit. She opened her mouth to mutter a curse, but before she could, she convulsed and threw up again. I really hate being sick, she thought bitterly to herself, as she spat out the bile.


This paragraph is a good example of including an image of vomit, as well as making your point, without going overboard.

When she was younger, stomach bugs and illness had often prompted the much-hated vomiting, now it was partying.


This sentence bothered me. It was a little too connection-making for my taste.

The taste of the bile still stained her tongue, but she knew a few drinks would purge it, so wasn’t too concerned.

‘You feeling better?’ Sarah asked.

‘Much.’ Tess grinned, and then spat in the toilet again. ‘Come on, I wanna get wasted.’


^ Ironic. Huh. Characterwise, I think this is the best part of the segment. Everything else, I find somewhat mundane; I find myself wanting it to hurry up so something can happen. Up until this point, I wasn't engaged in the story; I could care less about what the girl was doing. But now that I know a little bit more about what she's like, I want to know what's with this girl and what's going to happen to her. It saves what's before it (slightly) from being completely irrelevant.

The single quotation marks were a little strange, especially when used in conjunction with apostrophes, but at least you're consistant. And I'll leave it at that since I seem to recall you ranting about it somewhere :)

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Mon Aug 06, 2007 9:41 pm
Snoink says...



I don't know. Tess's character doesn't make sense. If she usually is a party animal, why would she be so quiet on the sidelines? I mean, we get the feeling that she is a shy girl and then her friends come and tell us that no, she is not a shy girl, so it doesn't make sense. You have to state in the story that she is not acting as she normally would, or you have to change her character so that she is a bit more animated. At the moment, her dual personalities that we know of are clashing way too much with each other.
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Mon Aug 06, 2007 11:05 pm
fothi says...



I really, really loved this. Not just because it's well-written, but i think I just like your writing style, as well. I thought the imagery and just general descriptions fit everything wonderfully, and I loved the storytelling, too. Just a few critiques and comments...

"Sat at one of the many tables surrounding the dance-floor, she tried to recognise the song playing."
I think it would sound better if you said "As she sat" instead of starting it out with just "Sat"

"Apparently it was quite popular: the couples and groups in the centre of the room had cheered when it’d come on, and danced with renewed energy. "
I don't know why, but "it'd come on" just seems awkward to me.. it might just be me, but I think it would sound better if it was replaced with "when it came on".

"Smiling, Tess looked up from her drink. Her friend, Sarah, was sat beside her, drink in hand and a look of concern in her large eyes."
You should take out "was".

"Certainly, Tess had noticed herself that she was acting out of character."
I feel as though herself is a bit uneccessary here... not wrong just not needed there.

"The music playing - and Tess suspected that the song had now changed, although she wasn’t entirely sure - drowned out most other sounds."
"playing" makes this sentence sound a little bit awkward...

"A feeling of sickness welled up in the back of her throat, but as she put the empty glass down and wiped her mouth, she forced a predatory grin onto her face."
I loved this!

"And the little square mirrors sat above the two washbasins also looked rather grubby, their reflections dulled by aging glass and various greasy marks."
Might want to insert a "that" before "sat"

"whilst two of her friends cheered her on"
Interesting word choice.

"Thankfully, the floor looked clean and the toilet itself was empty. ‘I’m not actually drunk,’ Tess mumbled to Sarah, as she got to her knees and leant over the toilet. ‘I think it was just downing that drink, rather than the actual alco-’ she stopped mid-sentence as the feeling of blockage at the back of her throat suddenly increased. She opened her mouth to curse, and then her stomach muscles convulsed. Her head jerked forwards as a vile, acid tasting liquid burst into her mouth."
Really, really good. Very well-written.

" to think that such a fun activity could have such a negative hiding in the back, in the shadows, waiting to pounce…"
I love this.

"The taste of the bile still stained her tongue, but she knew a few drinks would purge it, so wasn’t too concerned."
"purge".. ha.. clever!

It was wonderful, I loved it.
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Tue Aug 07, 2007 12:24 am
Gadi. says...



I can't understand how people found it boring! That was fantastic! It gave me the chills! I don't like fantasy much, so when i opened the forum for fantasy and clicked on yours I expected soomething completely dull. But this was just so good!

Question:
Why was she so serious in the beginning?
And how did her attitude change so fast?

I loved it! No dull moment!

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Mon Aug 13, 2007 2:35 pm
Lynlyn says...



Wow, I saw this on the front page and the first few paragraphs really drew me in - that doesn't happen too often. I wasn't expecting it to be in the fantasy section, but I can't wait to see where this goes - the premise reminds me a little of a Holly Black novel.

Most of the questions I had about this have already been asked by other people. I'm not sure how Tess goes from being such a wallflower to a party girl in a short amount of time, but I guess when I'm around the right friends I do the same sort of thing (well, not down a coke with double-vodka in one swig, but, you know, other ridiculous stuff).

I was thrilled to notice that this is almost completely free from grammar/spelling errors - my little heart went pitter-patter in my chest! - except for the sit/sat/set thing, which I have trouble with too. I think the deal is that if something is doing the action, it's "sat" (he sat down, etc) but if it's passive or an object of the action it's "set" - i.e. the drink was set on the table; he set the suitcase on the stairs.

It doesn't include much "fantasy", but so what? I don't think I've actually written a fantasy story where the first chapter did include dragons or fairies or people turning into gnomes.
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Mon Aug 13, 2007 9:27 pm
Sureal says...



Everyone: Thankee uber much for all your reviews. ^_^

I don't want to edit this just yet - experience has taught me that if I start editting the first chapter as I finish it, I'll never finish to Chapter Two.

But you've all given a lot of useful info, so when I do come to edit and rewrite and cut and trim, I'll hopefully be able to work this into something much better. :)

And of course, 'thank you' crits for everyone. ^_^
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Tue Aug 14, 2007 12:37 am
Lynlyn says...



Sureal wrote:I don't want to edit this just yet - experience has taught me that if I start editting the first chapter as I finish it, I'll never finish to Chapter Two.


That's probably a good move; I'm exactly the same way. I have to remind myself not to edit while I'm writing, or else I never finish the chapter. And I thought I was the only one who had that problem!
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Sun Apr 20, 2008 11:13 pm
Ailam Remard says...



I just have to say to Joeducktape that the vomitting part was cool. And to Sureal, ur writing is so discriptive! I try so hard to be discriptive but it all sucks. My stories usually end up in the trash half finished or still stuck in my head, not sure how they want to be put down on paper. Good job man!
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Thu May 08, 2008 11:11 pm
sylverdawn says...



overall I think this has potential. It seems like a typical party scene, a bit too much emphasis on the throwing up. But other then that really good description. I got a little confused because I couldn't find any fantasy elements to it. Had to come back and read it again after reading the second part. Its an interesting start and I'd personally like to see more.
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Sun Aug 24, 2008 12:40 pm
Kaylyn says...



Music bounced from wall to wall, its volume blaring over all competing sounds. Random, colourful lights shone and twirled in the darkness, whilst in the centre of the room drunk teenagers made a pass at dancing on the polished floor.


Tess Browne was one of the few that had managed to cling to sobriety into the later hours of the party. Sat at one of the many tables surrounding the dance-floor, she tried to recognise the song playing. Apparently it was quite popular: the couples and groups in the centre of the room had cheered when it’d come on, and danced with renewed energy.
Okay maybe you shouuld put a She in front of the Sat.

She mumbled a few lines she recognised from the chorus, and then shook her head as the title of the song continued to elude her. It wasn’t her type of music anyway; it was the sort of bouncy crap almost all such parties had. But despite her dislike for the genre, Tess knew she had danced to it more times than she cared to count. Alcohol did that sort of thing to people.
This is not the correct spelling, it should be recognized.


A soft voice broke her from her musings, talking in her left ear. ‘You’re being very quiet,’ it said. ‘Is something wrong?’
Use the "quotation marks" instead 'of these'


Smiling, Tess looked up from her drink. Her friend, Sarah, was sat beside her, drink in hand and a look of concern in her large eyes. Perhaps it was the fact that Tess was rarely quiet at parties that had provoked her friend’s concern. Certainly, Tess had noticed herself that she was acting out of character. A sort of lethargy had gripped her, and forced her into quiet submission. ‘I was just thinking,’ she said.
This doesn't sound right...

Sarah raised her eyebrows, a confused expression on her face making it clear she hadn’t been able to hear what Tess had said. ‘What?’


Leaning forwards to speak into Sarah’s ear, Tess repeated herself. The music playing - and Tess suspected that the song had now changed, although she wasn’t entirely sure - drowned out most other sounds. Speaking directly into each other’s ears, or else shouting, was really the only way conversation could be held.


‘Thinking?’ Sarah asked. ‘About anything in particular?’


‘Yeah. About whether or not I’ll get drunk enough to dance tonight.’


Sarah’s lips curved into a smile as the worry vanished from her eyes. ‘Knowing you, yes.’


‘That’s what I was afraid of.’ Tess glanced behind herself to look at the dancers, noting as she did so the way in which her sight seemed to lag a fraction of a second. ‘In the morning,’ she said, ‘I always end up cringing at the memory.’


‘Or vomiting.’


‘Or vomiting,’ she agreed, turning away from the dancers again to face her friend. She looked down at her drink. It had been a good month - perhaps longer - since she had last got drunk, and she felt loathe to ignore the opportunity now. And besides, if there was a way to dispel the lethargy that had gripped her, alcohol was that way. With a quick shrug, she downed her entire glass. The liquid rushed into her mouth and down her throat, the strong taste overpowering her.


A feeling of sickness welled up in the back of her throat, but as she put the empty glass down and wiped her mouth, she forced a predatory grin onto her face.


Sarah laughed. ‘Impressive.’


Tess said, ‘What was that drink again?’


‘Double vodka and coke.’


‘Ah,’ she said. ‘I think I’m going to be sick.’ The sense that she was about to vomit was growing and growing, every second, and she realised it was only a matter of time before she really did throw-up.
Wrong spelling, its realized.

Sighing, Sarah nodded to a nearby door. ‘That’s the girl’s toilet. Do you think you can hold it that far?’


‘Probably,’ muttered Tess, trying to ignore the unpleasant sensation.


She peered at the empty glass. ‘This is your fault,’ she said to it.


‘Stop talking to inanimate objects,’ Sarah said, ‘and come on.’

I love this exchange between the two, I can see it happening.

Standing up, Tess walked, her friend almost dragging her by the hand towards the toilets. As they crossed the hall, Tess noted with a certain satisfaction the way in which her senses had further dulled. But, she couldn’t help noticing, she was not yet truly drunk.


‘That alcohol’s really kicked in fast on you,’ Sarah said as she pushed open the door.


The toilets seemed bright compared to the dark hall they had just left. The walls were perhaps white a few years ago, but had since become a light beige colour. And the little square mirrors sat above the two washbasins also looked rather grubby, their reflections dulled by aging glass and various greasy marks.


Still, for the most part, it looked clean. A few girls had congregated in there, leaning against the walls and chatting. The music was not quite so loud, which made having a conversation far easier.


But Tess’ main concern, right then, was having a toilet to throw up into. There were four cubicles in the room: two of which had closed doors with the OCCUPIED sign present; one of which had a girl in, leaning over the toilet and vomiting also, whilst two of her friends cheered her on; and the final one empty.


Thankfully, the floor looked clean and the toilet itself was empty. ‘I’m not actually drunk,’ Tess mumbled to Sarah, as she got to her knees and leant over the toilet. ‘I think it was just downing that drink, rather than the actual alco-’ she stopped mid-sentence as the feeling of blockage at the back of her throat suddenly increased. She opened her mouth to curse, and then her stomach muscles convulsed. Her head jerked forwards as a vile, acid tasting liquid burst into her mouth.


The vomit streamed out of her mouth, a viscous fountain of stomach acids and half digested food. It made an almost comical plop noise as it fell into the toilet.


Then she was leant over the toilet, breathing in the stench of the vomit. She opened her mouth to mutter a curse, but before she could, she convulsed and threw up again. I really hate being sick, she thought bitterly to herself, as she spat out the bile.
You could put these in italics since it is a thought.


Breathing heavily, she leant against the toilet, waiting to see if she would throw up a third time. I really hate being sick. It was perhaps the worst downside to alcohol - to think that such a fun activity could have such a negative hiding in the back, in the shadows, waiting to pounce…


When she was younger, stomach bugs and illness had often prompted the much-hated vomiting, now it was partying. But at least she could usually enjoy herself before the vomiting set in, and that was a definite step up. Still, she always dreaded the seemingly inevitable moment.


After a few more moments of peace, she was confident that she was done.


Spitting the last of the bile from her mouth, she flushed the toilet. Groaning, the toilet sucked in the vomit; a twirl of brown and yellow. Tess felt better, and wasn’t too surprised about it. Experience had taught her that, often, it was best to just get it up and out the body. Wiping her lips, she climbed to her feet. The taste of the bile still stained her tongue, but she knew a few drinks would purge it, so wasn’t too concerned.


‘You feeling better?’ Sarah asked.


‘Much.’ Tess grinned, and then spat in the toilet again. ‘Come on, I wanna get wasted.’


‘Yes ma’am.’

Okay I love the story but you had a few grammar mistakes. Why do you use the ' instead of the " ? I really love the story and think you should keep going with it. Good luck with future writing!
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